...cause I just may jump off. I told my roommates Paul and Joe that I am no longer allowed to go out back on our rooftop patio because I may get the urge to hurl myself off of it because the Milwaukee Brewers are playing so poorly right now. Granted, it is only on the 2nd floor and I might only sustain minor injuries (broken bones and such) unless I landed on my head. This thought got me thinking about something. Is it OK to joke about suicide? I've been depressed at several stages in my life, but I never once thought about ending my life. That's why I always turn to alcohol to solve my problems. That leads to another point then I guess - is it OK to joke about alcoholism too? I really shouldn't poke fun or use them to elicit humor from others, but I guess I just don't have any tact when it comes to conversation topics. It's one of the reasons why I sit alone in my room, drink, and don't talk to anyone besides my cat. On a more serious note, I am 100 % totally against suicide because it is one of the most selfish thing that someone could do. Sure, their problems may be over, but everyone that they left behind will be forced to think about it and deal with it for the rest of their lives. If it is someone who is very close to you, then not a day would go by where you wouldn't think about them and how much you wish that they were still alive. It's complete bullshit that someone would ever think that it was OK to screw over everyone they ever met by doing something so hurtful and uncalled for. But then I guess it begs the question to be asked - am I hurting other people by making jokes about the suggestion of it? At which point does fantasy become a reality? I always tell people that I am all talk and no game, which is a direct result in me never being serious about anything. I can't count how many times that I have broken into laughter when my Mom was yelling at me about something that was not funny, or how many times that I have had to choke back tears at church because I was trying to suppress my laughter. I don't take anything seriously, and it has resulted in me having a worthless life. I told my roommate Paul that the Brewers 2008 September collapse was the worst thing that has happened to me since my parents got divorced and my life got F-d up. He of course was taken aback by it and a little floored by my comparison of a sports team's follies with a major life event, but I kind of meant it. Sure, I was a little drunk at the time, but that's usually when I am the most open on honest. He said that I never set myself up for failure, which is why I am never disappointed. He's got a really good point, as I really never try to better myself in any of life's most important facets. Which is why I guess the Brewers September struggles are hitting me so hard. I've invested a lifetime's worth of Brewers baseball into the last 7 years when I've obsessed over every aspect of the team. I finally gave in to all the hype and believed that this was the year, and although I've been through the ups and downs over the years, there has never been a year quite like this. We opened the month with a 5 1/2 game lead, and as of today, that lead is down to 0 as we share the NL Wildcard 1st place with the Philadelphia Phillies. Sure, by winning 4 games against us they caught up real quick, but there was no reason why it should have ever happened. Without getting into too many details (my Journalism professors always told me to be short and sweet, looks like I didn't listen. No wonder I failed their classes) the Brewers had a spot in the 2008 postseason and it was theirs to lose. And they are not only losing it, but they are giving it away for free. Since my attitude is connected directly to the outcome of every Brewers game, it goes without saying that I should be placed on watch right now so that I don't do anything stupid. Like stumbling out onto the porch and falling over the ledge. Tony would be pissed.
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There's still a chance (be it remote) for the Brewers to turn it around and right the ship so that the passengers (thailers!) won't drown in the stormy sea, but it's looking a little gloomier with every passing day. If alcohol isn't the answer, then what is? I'll tell you what is - victory. Because if the Brewers win, then it doesn't matter what the other teams do. And if they win, then I win. I'm sick and tired of being a loser, and for once I would just like to be a winner like everyone else that I know. Then my family can finally stop referring to me as their loser brother/son/cousin/nephew/grandson. Cause I know that they are all sick and tired of me being the black sheep in the family. I guess we'll know in a few more days whether or not it's going to be another long and bleak "well, there's always next year" winter that we in Milwaukee have grown all too accustomed to. At least we have A-Rodge (Aaron Rodgers) to help ease the pain.
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- pookon -
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email: pookondotcom@gmail.com
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