June's Blanket - Merry Merry Man

I've always wanted to be in a band. I always wanted to be a rock star. Who didn't? When you were a kid you'd play air guitar along with the radio or music videos, sing into a wooden spoon or bang on a collection of pots and pans in the kitchen like you were in the middle of a showstopping drum solo. But for most of us it was a fantasy. It was something that you goofed around with and you never expected it to get serious. But some of us were pretty serious. My brother Timmy made music his life and he lived and breathed it every single day. It was rare that you didn't see him with a guitar in hand,  writing lyrics into a notebook or practicing his craft for anyone who would listen or at a local bar. He wanted to make it a career and he didn't care how. He put as much time into the music side of things (writing, performing and practicing) as he did the technical side. He had the talent but realized how hard it would be to break into the business as a solo artist or as a band so he learned all about recording and producing music as a way to get his foot in the door somehow and some way. He was on the verge of figuring it all out when he died at the age of 24. I could talk forever about how amazing he was as a musician on his own time, but the purpose of this article is what he did for other people. They could tell their story, but this is my blog. So I'm going to tell mine.

I don't know when exactly June's  Blanket was formed. I don't know why we even formed a band. We shared a love for music and enough talent to form a competent duo even if he was 75% of the talent and I filled in the other 25% to make us complete. I was mostly a singer and I picked up the harmonica so that I had something to do in between the words. We wrote several original songs but excelled at doing covers of songs that we really loved. Since Timmy and I were so close and from similar backgrounds, we could read each other and our voices were so in tune that when we harmonized, it was flawlessly beautiful. He was confident in his guitar playing (but not confident in his voice) and I was confident in my voice (but not confident in my guitar or harmonica playing). I know it sounds corny and a little weird, but we complimented each other and worked together to form a complete sound. We had something really special but we rarely shared it with others. Sure, we were a hit at family parties and at the Afterglow campfire but we never got around to realizing our full potential.

We had one real show, and that was at the St. Catherine's Auction in 2010. My Mom asked us to provide the music for this church event and everyone we knew was pretty much there. She thought that we were going to hook up a CD player and some speakers and pick out a playlist but we decided to surprise her and everyone there. The theme of the night was Magic and we put together a set list of songs about or containing the word magic in some form or variation. Some of the songs that we learned were "Abracadabra" by the Steve Miller Band, "This Magic Moment" by Jay and the Americans, "Magic Carpet Ride" by Steppenwolf and "Magic Dance" by David Bowie (my personal favorite because it's from the movie Labyrinth. We practiced for several days and I was pretty nervous to get up in front of crowd that wasn't family and sing. I've been singing in choirs and for fun for most of my life, but I'm not a natural performer despite my easy going attitude and personality. So I was really nervous to go up there and be the center of attention. And you know what made me feel better? Well, besides the booze - it was Timmy. He was so amazing at adapting to other people's styles and making them sound better. When I would go too fast or sing out of key, Timmy would speed up, slow down or even change keys with me to make sure that I didn't sound out of place. He had no problem taking a back seat and allowing me to get all of the credit, even if I didn't truly deserve it. He made sound like a real musician. He made me a rock star. Don't believe me? Click the play button below to hear us play "Magic Dance" by David Bowie. 

Learn how to get your music noticed at ReverbNation.com

That's all wonderful, but the real reason I am writing here is to show you a little video of sorts that I put together for the last song that we recorded called "Merry Merry Man". This was recorded in March of 2011, a mere month or so before Timmy would leave us. Had I known this was the last work of art that we would create, I might have done something better to ensure that it was a masterpiece. But instead we created this song that is very reminiscent of "Master of the House" from the play/musical Les Misérables. I'd apologize for plagiarizing such a notable work of art, but what we came up with was pure genius. Sorry for the bad audio quality, but I recorded this on my phone. It's better than nothing, for if I didn't record it on my phone, I wouldn't have a record of one of the last times that Timmy and I pretended to be a real band. But what I didn't know at the time is that we were a real band. Who says that you need to be famous or put out albums to be considered legit?

Some time later I took the song and I set it to some pictures of some of our best times together and other moments that fit in with the lyrics that we put together. I must point out that Timmy sat down at the piano at Mom's house and just started playing this song and I just came up with some lyrics off the top of my head. After I started singing the song Timmy just continued it and we rolled with it. And so I was a Merry Man. And Timmy was a Merry Man. And we like to drink and drink and drink all day.

June's Blanket was a big part of my life. If I'm fortunate enough to get all old and gray, I will look back upon those times with Timmy as some of the best days of my life. I have no doubt that I will make plenty of new memories over the years and I may even be lucky enough to have a wife and kids to form a family of my own. Life may be good again someday and I might be able to get to a place where I am happy. But I will miss Timmy. Always. And I will miss all of the good times that we had. I will miss being in a band and entertaining the crowd. I will miss his laugh and how he made me a better person. It's been 3 years since I last saw him and life hasn't gotten any easier. I doubt that it ever will. But I just want you to know that I wasn't always so sad, depressed and cynical. I used to be in a band. I used to be a rock star. And there was this kid named Timmy who made it all happen. He was the real rock star. He was the heart and soul of this band. He was the glue who held it all together. And now I'm just a solo act trying to make it on my own but I'm failing to adjust to life on the long and lonesome road. It's a tough life out there but I must keep trying. I'm just doing it for me. I'm doing it for Timmy. Because of that June's Blanket must live on. If it all ends now, then what was the point of all of it?

 - pookon -

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Oh What A Lovely Tea Party

I'm no stranger to the sauce (alcohol). I like to partake in it quite often and sometimes I go a little overboard. It's probably not good for me and it is certainly one of the reasons why I'm sad and alone. But it has led to some great times and hilarious results. The following text was on a Wednesday night in January 2014. I have this speech-to-text function on my phone and I talked to it when I was drunk. The results below are a combination of me drunkenly slurring my words and the voice recognition software having a difficult time translating it. This leads to a whole lot of random because it's hard for me to tell if I came up with this nonsense or if the A.I. just decided that's what I said. Who knows? All that I know is that I was a little drunk and I just talked until I didn't feel like talking anymore. The best thing about computers that record your thoughts are that they are always there to listen. That's more than I can say about most people in my life. Not many people can put up with this kind of crazy. In case you ever had a question about why I'm still single, the following couple of paragraphs should answer that question. So this is me, drunk on a random Wednesday:

To make things even more ridiculous, I put this into a text to speech generator so that you can listen to a computerized voice try and make sense out of my drunken rambling:



I'm watching The Little Mermaid again, so that pretty much tells you her where this night is. It all started with the rum and the tea lemonade. When life gives you lemons, you just say f*** the lemons and bail. When life gives you lemons TV, you just throw some rum minutes and rage. And then you pretty much just got to be free to go with what happens next. Close your eyes and jump off a cliff and not be scared about what's going to happen man. I should be here every night. But I'm scared man. Too scared to do all the things I should have done instead of what I actually did tonight. Hahahaha. I realize now that I'm making too much sense. Perhaps the ROM is wearing off. All the reason to start drinking again.

Priceline, its 2:30 in the morning. The Hells wrong with you Christian mark? How much time do you have. I wish in mermaid fall in love with me. Hello, I just wish anyone would fall in love with me. Maybe even dudes. It's gotten to that point. Instead of doing something with my life I've become pretty much shut in. Although tonight I really didn't have any other choice. My car battery decided that, "hey man - I don't need a job. I'm not working here anymore. You could just take your your energy in your power and you can just f*** off. I quit." A****** car battery. Things you can just like screw with me then. Well I'll show my finger to tomorrow when I drowned in the river. I'll type concrete block around him. Hellsing to the bottom faster than Lightning McQueen.

Lemonade tea in Rome is the best combo. In Rome? I've never been in Rome. I meant in Rome. No. En Roma you stupid voice thing. How many times do I have to say rum before you get it right? Finally. Jesus. I'm the one who's been drinking. Like I said its not the best combo. That was sweet ass and some big ol titties. Now thats a nice combo. Its like those pretzels with cheese in the middle - they just go together. Is there something wrong with me? Like seriously wrong with me? I mean, like is there some kind of scale where you can compare me against other people that are wrong? I'd like to know just for curiosity sake. I'd like to see where I rank. Like serial killers are red. Really weird. And then like circus clowns are different kind of weird. Method actors are kinda weird as well and so R children's nurseries to grow up. Where do I fit in? Probably somewhere in the middle - Malcolm style. I'm probably not as strange as I think I I am Sam I am. But oh what a lovely tea party.

I think I'm going to change my life so that it revolves more around T. Why is it that the English you're the only one who can have to time? The roots want to cook its two tone hello you. What you stupid sore darling have a spot of tea. And some scripts to. Why should the English have a backyard Christian mark? I want to too. I want to you too James Cameron style. Doesn't understand see you too. I'm going to keep saying to you too and to a concert right TF 2. Cheese too. Tease too. T 2. That was the closest I ever got and it still didn't get to you too right.

I'm trying to say TV like to drink, like the hot beverage that you would drink with your friends. Does it have to be a hopper fridge cuz the T on drinking is cold? What about Mr T, does he drink cold beverages? I hope so. He needs stay hydrated if he's going to punch some fools in their mouths. I pity the fool who gets punched in the mouth by Mr T. Does Mr T and misses TV make that bloody mary Mac's I like? I hope so because I pity the fool who doesn't like my Bloody Mary Mix. Its spicy fool. I'm at the part or Ariel becomes human. That's good for me because then I actually got a shot with her. Nevermind she's a cartoon I'm real life. It worked in Cool World and Roger Rabbit so I could work with me too. I don't even know how to respond to that and I'm the one who said it. Who has problems now?

I'm never going to get the Little Mermaid to fall in love with me. Let's not even start talked about the fact that she is a cartoon anime realize. Let's not even talk about the fact that she is a fish ish and I'm a human. That's not a part of this conversation. The real problem is that until I start to figure out what's important in my life and get rid of all the bullshit that surrounds me, I'm never going to let anybody fall in love with me. Not a mermaid, not a cartoon, not a single mother with daddy issues and definitely not a single available woman. So I'm basically screwed. It's a good thing I'm used to the single life because I'm going to be dealing with it for the rest of mine. Lisa give away free cats with you mean Siri. Free so did what cut? What does Siri have to do with this? I was talking about cats and free cats at that at the Humane Society. As long as they're still free I can get a new one everytime my old one unfortunately dies. So in essence I never really be alone. So I got that going for me.

Dealing with colored caulk (Do you think Macaulay Culkin) ever recovered from being left home alone? I mean is f****** parents went to France and left a min apparently situation where's some bumbling criminals and nearly killed him and took all of their possessions. I'm not even talking about the scary furnace or the old man who supposedly killed people and ground them up with salt to spread on the sidewalks. That's a lot for any kid to deal with any probably needed years of therapy. And then to make matters worse, the next year or two later they went to Florida and most his little bitch ass at the airport and pre 9/11 security oh wow him to get on a flight to New York. How does that happen? The Lucia just get so fly by himself nn ones up and just strange city and not only that but it's the biggest city in the whole entire world quest! So he goes and he holds up at the Plaza Hotel for a while and then decide to sit ups in the traps at his uncles place is getting renovated. And Daniel Stern Joe Pesci, the two dumbest criminals of all time, ended up getting spoiled by the soul but I start again. I know they're not the best but they're still adults. They shouldn't get to see did buy some punk ass little kid. Even if this kid knows what the hell he's doing. So what's the code (Macaulay Culkin) up to these days? F*** if I know. He was Richie Rich and then he was in some other flicks and then he hung out with Michael Jackson and got touched and then just kind of got old and got weird. For all I know is sitting in some bunker somewhere like Howard Hughes counting all of his money and staying away from germs. What a f****** weirdo. But I'm sure he gets more pussy than I do. Is that a bunch of bullshit? He can get like a wife for something and I can't. Just goes to show you that all girls just dig money. Especially if you're weird like Macaulay and like me. So am I just home alone. Apparently. Story of my life.

So this is me whether you like it or not. I'm not ashamed of who I am or else I wouldn't put all of this out there for everyone to see. What's the point in trying to be someone that you aren't? If people don't like you for who you are, then screw them. There's plenty of people in this World and chances are I will find someone who has the capacity to deal with all of this nonsense. Of course I will have to tone it down a little bit and unleash the beast in small increments. You never go full Makena and show them the entire package right away. That scares the ladies away. Of course my face and my size already does that before I'm able to show them the Makena. What is the Makena? Wouldn't you like to know. But I can't give you access to that information at the moment. Only the special ones get to see what lurks underneath the surface. But I haven't met her yet. I'm starting to think that I never will. I've never been lucky in love. I've never even been unlucky in love. Who knows really. I've been in love many times but no one has loved me back. Who is to blame? Me of course! You just read or listened to all of the goofy stuff that I came up with when I was drunk. If you were a single, available female looking for a male partner, would you introduce that to your friends and family or allow that to be the Father of your children? Of course not. So here I am. I make myself laugh. But I'm the only one laughing.

 - pookon -

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25 Brewers in 25 Days - 2014 - The Starting Rotation

I'll apologize right off the bat (hey! that's a baseball reference!) for all of my randomness, explicit language, desperate attempts at pleading for Sage to be my wife, obscure references or sexual innuendos that I make during this article. I am currently drinking rum and Sierra Mist out of a flower vase and when I do that it rarely leads to good results. So don't say that I didn't warn you. This is the final article for my Milwaukee Brewers 2014 series of 25 Brewers in 25 Days. Although in hindsight it should have been the first one. And in hindsight I should have laid off the snacks and made best friends with the local gym so I wouldn't still be single at age 32 with my Mother as my best friend. But as they say, hindsight is 20/20. But to be quite honest with you, I don't have a fucking clue what that means. I do understand 7&7s, 24/7, 25 or 6 to 4, working 9 to 5, why 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 8 9, and 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 twel-el-el-el-el-elve! from the Sesame Street pinball game.

That was a fun trip down memory lane now, wasn't it? At least if you are as old as I am. But if you're a small child reading this, first off, congratulations on being able to read at such a young age, and secondly, what are you doing on the Internet unsupervised? You shouldn't be reading this shit! Parents these days. God damn it. Look after your kids before they endure a childhood full of missed naps, lack of discipline and morals, daddy issues, stunted mental growth and disrespect for their elders leading to a life of crime where they grow up and rob me someday. Fucking kids these days.

I better get back on topic before I turn too many people off. Because what I'm really trying to do is turn people on. Sexually. The 2014 Milwaukee Brewers Starting Rotation is going to be something special to watch, kind of like the group they put together in 2011 (Yovani Gallardo, Zack Greinke, Shaun Marcum, Randy Wolf, Chris Narveson and Marco Estrada) that won 96 games, the NL Central, the NLDS and made it to the NLCS. I will argue that talent wise, the 2014 Starting Rotation is better than that group. Much like I did with the bullpen, I'm going to give you a brief preview of the pitchers, but this time with no mention of Sage's underpants, although I would gladly talk about that topic in length all day, every day until I am granted the opportunity to see them for myself. Maybe if I get cancer I can Make a Wish to see those panties with my own eyes so that I can die happy. Wow that's messed up. Who wishes for cancer to see some random girl's underwear? I have reached an all-time low pal. There's no way I can be this pathetic, right? Does this girl really mean that much to me? You're god damn right she does. To quote Bryan Adams, "You can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for. I can't help it, there's nothin' I want more. Yeah, I would fight for you, I'd lie for you. Walk the wire for you, yeah, I'd die for you. You know it's true. Everything I do, oh, I do it for you." Maybe that's what I can do to charm the panties off of her - I can sing her some Bryan Adams. That's worked before right? What girl hasn't gotten moist when a guy sings to them, "And baby you're all that I want when you're lyin' here in my arms. I'm findin' it hard to believe we're in heaven. And love is all that I need and I found it there in your heart. It isn't too hard to see we're in heaven." I can't lose.

As promised, here is your 2014 Milwaukee Brewers Starting Rotation:

• Yovani Gallardo: he has been in the Major Leagues with the Brewers, the only organization he's ever known, since 2007 (although he did miss most of 2008 due to a torn ACL). If the Brewers don't pick up his option for 2015, he will be a free agent at the end of this season. There's been a long-winded debate if he is a #1 starter, but you can't argue he's the best pitcher the Brewers farm system has produced that is not named Ben Sheets. I'm hoping he performs even above my expectations in what could be a contract year.
• Kyle Lohse: When the Brewers signed Lohse prior to the 2013 season, many people got worried. Oh no! Not another former St. Louis Cardinals pitcher! Thoughts of Jeff Supan and Braden Looper made everyone uneasy, but Lohse was as good as advertised. If given more run support, he would have had more than 11 wins last year. His 3.35 ERA over 32 starts (198 innings) backs that up. But what no one talks about is his veteran presence in the clubhouse and how much he has helped younger pitchers like Tyler Thornburg (age 25) and Wily Peralta (age 24) as well as all of the players who made their Major League debut last season. You can't attach a stat to that value.
• Matt Garza: Milwaukee's most expensive free agent signing in team history has a 4 year deal worth $50 million + when you factor in options and incentives. It's a big deal. People might scoff at the fact that career wise, he's only a .500 pitcher (67-67 with a 3.82 ERA) but a win/loss record is not indicative of talent. Garza makes the Brewers a whole heck of a lot better and it just might be the move that puts them over the top... if he stays healthy. Garza has had some injuries in the past and it is a big concern, but then again, doesn't every player have some kind of issue? I prefer to think positively, so I'm expecting a big year from Garza.
• Marco Estrada: I've never given Estrada enough credit. I think he's no better than a long-man in the bullpen or an average starter on a bad team. But in actuality, he was one of the best road pitchers in all of baseball last year (5-2 record with a 2.09 ERA over 77 innings in 12 starts) and is a strikeout machine. He doesn't fuck around with "nibbling" or "painting the corners" and other things that drive up pitch counts. But what he does is give up home runs, which does not help him out at Miller Park. Since he is only good in half of his starts, if it pleases the court your Honor, I move to strike this evidence from the record. May I approach the bench? That's when the Defendant yells out, "Objection Your Honor! He's badgering the witness!" Then I get held in contempt of court, and just like that, my legal career is over. Fuck you Marco Estrada and your legal council.
• Wily Peralta: he's the biggest key that opens the giant ass lock that will allow us to go into the gates of the playoffs. Cryptic enough for you? Alright, I'll be more clear. Our season is riding on Peralta's shoulders. Is it fair to put that kind of pressure on a player in his 2nd year? Probably not. But if he's awful, we have an average Starting Rotation. But if he is great, we have an amazing Starting Rotation. How does one player tip the scales that much? I don't really know and I doubt I can fully explain it. But I have a feeling and for the first time it isn't in my pants when someone mentions Sage. This one I feel in my heart. It makes no logical sense at all. But mark my words - as Wily Peralta goes, so do the Brewers. Funny, it used to be as Rickie (Weeks) goes, so do the Brewers. How times have changed, eh?

Check out my final video, which covers the Starting Rotation for the 2014 Milwaukee Brewers, recorded outside of Miller Park in Milwaukee, WI on the day I returned from Phoenix, AZ:

 

I'll be blunt when I say that I was a little pissed off while recording this video (it was really cold and windy so I recorded the audio on my phone, learning from my mistake at The London Bridge). I love Wisconsin will all of my heart and I will probably stay here for the rest of my life, but the Winter really sucks. I hate the snow and the cold, and coming back here was a real slap in the face. Especially after spending 6 days in Arizona and Las Vegas were it was sunny and in the high 70s or low 80s every single day. Why do people live in cold weather climates? I blame my parents, although I could have left at any given moment in my adult life. But I'm still here. This video should have been first because starting pitching sets the tone for the game and will be the #1 reason why the Brewers succeed or fail this year. But it was filmed last, so deal with it pal.

Yovani Gallardo #49 - 15-9 record, 3.44 ERA, 188 innings pitched, 32 starts, 174 strikeouts, able to put last year's on and off the field troubles behind him and reclaim his throne as the leader of this pitching staff for this year (and hopefully many years to come when they resign him).

Kyle Lohse #26 - 13-7 record, 3.29 ERA, 202 innings pitched, 32 starts, 130 strikeouts and the slow but steady force that keeps this pitching rotation (and this clubhouse) chugging along like Casey Jr.

Matt Garza #22 - 12-9 record, 3.75 ERA, 160 innings pitched, 25 starts, 141 strikeouts and decent bill of health thanks to an apple a day which kept the Doctor away.

Marco Estrada #41 - 9-11 record, 4.18 ERA, 145 innings pitched, 25 starts, 141 strikeouts and never, ever ever, ever ever ever going to get any respect from me, Rodney Dangerfield-style.

Wily Peralta #38 - 13-11, 3.65 ERA, 32 starts, 189 innings pitched, 140 strikeouts and one small step for Wily Peralta, one giant leap for Milwaukee Brewers Starting Pitching.

And there she is. I'll only talk about Sage one more time in this year's 25 Brewers in 25 Days feature. Of course that's only because this is the last article. Don't worry friends (or worry because you fear for my mental health because of my obsession with her) I will still figure out a way to bring her up throughout the remainder of the Brewers season and for the rest of my life. The picture on the left was taken down in Arizona but sadly I wasn't the photographer. My friend Elliot sent me this picture when I was down in Phoenix to let me know that she was there. I told him that if I saw her, I was going to ask her to be my wife. I told him that he would be invited to the wedding and that if he played his cards right, I might even make him my best man. And you know what the best man gets to do, right? He asked what. I told him, "Give a speech you sick bastard. She's my wife!" I love putting words in someone else's mouth or coming up with a sick idea and blaming the other person for doing it. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but my favorite example of it is in Groundhog Day. When Phil Connors (Bill Murray) steals the groundhog and is driving away in the car, Larry (Chris Elliott) and Rita (Andie MacDowell) are following in the news van. Rita asks, "Why would anybody steal a groundhog?" Larry responds with, "I can probably think of a couple of reasons. Pervert." But since Larry is the one who came up with the sick ideas, isn't he the pervert? But he puts the blame on Phil for some of the things that Phil would do with the groundhog that stemmed from his imagination. I love it.

And so that's the end of this year's 25 Brewers in 25 Days. I kind of crammed it all into 16 days and my previews were still happening even as the regular season started. I don't intend to do things this way but some of the best things in my life have been unplanned, like my future children. I'm not perfect and neither are the Brewers, but they will need to play that way if they want to make the playoffs this year. They have better pitching depth than in years' past, but they can't sustain major injuries to their top players. What team can? I'll happily sustain a major injury so that Sage would come visit me in the hospital as long as I don't have to lose a limb. You know how people how people say "I'd give my right arm to spend a night with Sage, no questions asked." Wait, people don't say that? I'm the only one? But as much as I love Sage, I don't think I would give up my right arm. As a writer and a guitar player, I would be seriously altered for life without that appendage. So how about a leg? If I lost a leg I would either be on crutches or in wheelchair for life. People who are crippled have to work twice as hard as the normies do. I'm not looking for extra work. I don't even do a whole lot of work as it is. So let's throw that one out of the window. I already mentioned the Cancer thing in previous articles. but I don't want to once again make a joke out of a serious issue. So I can't lose a limb or get a life threatening disease. So how I am supposed to get Sage to feel sorry for me to get close enough to realize how amazing I am and then fall madly in love with me? Good old fashioned charm. And a whole lot of luck.

Skill is one thing. So is talent. Putting in the hard work and effort will get you a long way. But you also need luck; for things to go your way. I didn't even mention Hank the Dog in any of these articles. I won't get into length about it, but the Brewers found a stray dog that wandered into Maryvale Ballpark in Phoenix and they started taking care of him. It became a huge story and people are in love with the little rascal. Now they may have taken it too far with the merchandise and public appearances, but they have said they are donating some of the proceeds to both the Wisconsin and Arizona Humane Societies. As someone who has adopted two cats from the Humane Society, I can totally get behind that. We should always help out those less fortunate than ourselves, even if they are animals. So the Brewers did something really good. I'm a firm believer in Karma (and not just the drink girl at La Bayou in Las Vegas from a few years ago) and that this good deed could earn them some serious good fortune in the future. 

So the Brewers have the tools and they have the talent. They may have the luck. Will it lead to the playoffs? Will I ever get to meet Sage? Will she realize that I am her destiny? Will I wake up and register for an Internet dating site such as Match.com so I will focus my attention on a girl that is more in my league? Will California ever separate from the United States? Not legally, but in terms of land mass? Because like by the year of 20-something they are supposed to do something. Will X ever truly mark the spot? Will Rickie Weeks be able to bat his weight? Can Matt Garza avoid the DL? Will Ryan Braun's thumb injury prevent him from being Ryan Braun? Will the Starting Rotation be as good as I think they can be? Will Carlos Gomez, Jean Segura, Khris Davis and Scooter Gennett be able to replicate their amazing performances from last season? Will Wily Peralta take the next step forward? Will Marco Estrada keep the ball in the park, the spice in his marriage and the spark in the bedroom? Will this article ever end? Here's hoping we get some of those answers during the 2014 Milwaukee Brewers season. But even if we don't, at least it's going to be one hell of a ride.

 - pookon -

www.pookon.com
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25 Brewers in 25 Days - 2014 - The Bullpen

I dare you to try and name every member of the Bullpen in a given year. It's impossible, even for the most Rain Man-like person who can spout out random facts. (Did Rain Man do that? I haven't seen that movie in like 10 years. I only remember bits and pieces of it so excuse me if the reference isn't correct. Look, if you're going to call me out on some shit like that than I've led a pretty good life. I've done far worse and made some more egregious mistakes that I haven't been called out for. Why should this be any different? Lay off me pal, OK? I'm working really hard for free here man and I've got all these suits from corporate breathing down my neck and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I'm under a lot of pressure to meet some pretty ridiculous deadlines and my department is understaffed. We're doing the best we can. Is this little departure still within the parenthesis? Wow. Hard to believe that I was able to keep it going this long. Usually I quit long before this and abandon such a noteworthy quest. I guess I have changed a lot since I transitioned into my 30's. Sometimes I sit back and wonder if the Scott in his 20's would have been able to take on such a gargantuan task. He was sharper, right? He went to college. He knew how to cram for an exam and spent some time in the Library on a school night. But I have bested him in a duel to the death. He is no more. I am the Supreme Champion!) What just happened there? Weren't we talking about the 2014 Milwaukee Brewers Bullpen? I'm so confused.

Here are the 7 men (and Sage for no reason other than I think she's a Goddess) that will comprise the relief corps also known as the Bullpen: Wei-Chung Wang, Tyler Thornburg, Will Smith, Zach Duke, Brandon Kintzler, Francisco "KRod" Rodriguez and Jim Henderson. You should recognize some of those names while a few of them should be new to you. That's OK. The Bullpen has a high turnover rate during the season and from year to year because guys come and go from team to team, from the Minors to the Majors and from Bartending (John Axford) or a Garbage Man (Joe Winkelsas) to Major League Pitcher. I can guarantee you that the 7 names I've just given you will not be the same 7 names that are on this team at the end of the year. That's just how the game goes. But these 7 players carry so much weight on their shoulders and aren't given the leeway to allow any runs. If a Starting Pitcher gives up 3 runs over 6 innings it's considered a quality start. If a reliever gives up 1 run in an inning it's considered a failure. That hardly seems fair but there are pretty high standards for relief pitchers. With the exception of the Closer, you don't even notice them unless they completely explode/implode.  

Here is a little something about each of these Relief Pitchers. I'll try to keep it brief (although I prefer boxer-briefs. But what about Sage? I find myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I started thinking well maybe they're silk panties, maybe it's a thong. Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about. You know, and uh, and I started feeling... what? What, I thought we were in the trust tree, in the nest, are we not? I don't know where I was going with that...) Look, I don't have the time to write and you don't have the attention span to read in detail about all of them. So here it goes:

• Wei-Chung Wang: Acquired from the Pittsburgh Pirates in the Rule 5 draft. This 21-year-old pitcher from Taiwan has never pitched above the single-A level, so his jump to the Majors is a HUGE leap. But he really impressed in Spring Training and if he isn't kept on the Major League roster for the entire year, he has to be returned to Pittsburgh. The Brewers would love to keep this kid.
• Tyler Thornburg: Steve "Sparky" Fifer and Tim "The Franchise" Allen of the Sportsradio 1250 Brewers Postgame show have coined the term "Tyler Thornburging" a young pitcher for when they move a promising prospect between the Majors and the Minors and from the Starting Rotation to the Bullpen. Pick one and stay with it. He was outstanding as a Starter in 2013 (2-1 record with a 1.47 ERA in 7 starts) but will be in the Bullpen for 2014. He should be a Starter. If there's no room for him in the Starting 5, he should be in AAA.
• Will Smith: Not to be confused with the Actor/Rapper of the same name who starred in Men and Black, Independence Day and The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. This one is white and a baseball player. He was acquired in the trade with Kansas City for Norichika Aoki. He's young (24) and he could eventually be a Starter, but for now his devastating slider will keep him in the big league bullpen.
• Zach Duke: You might remember Duke from the mid-2000s Pittsburgh Pirates. He was a part of the pitching staff (along with Ian Snell, Paul Maholm and current teammate Tom Gorzelanny) that was supposed to break the losing streak (the team had not finished above .500 since 1992, a streak that reached 20 years and would not be broken until 2013). He has found new life as a relief pitcher.
• Brandon Kintzler: Was the primary set-up man in 2013 and had a breakout season (3-3 with a 2.69 ERA in 71 games) and was a real nice comeback story because of injuries and coming from the Independent League.
• Francisco "KRod" Rodriguez: HE'S BACK!! For his 4th go-round with the Brewers. With the exception of 2012, he's been really really damn good and will serve as a back-up plan in case Jim Henderson falters as the Closer.
• Jim Henderson: Now that the Mustachioed Wonder (John Axford) is gone, the Bearded Wonder can now take his place as the Brewers Closer. It's his job until he's dead or we find someone better (that's a Starship Troopers reference for you non-movie nerds).

Check out my 10th video, which covers The Bullpen for the 2014 Milwaukee Brewers, recorded by The London Bridge in Lake Havasu City, AZ. I apologize if you can't hear me at times. It was really windy and I didn't think about how that would affect the audio. I mean c'mon! I was at THE London Bridge! I couldn't concern myself with petty things like audible audio:

I was in Phoenix from Wednesday 3/12 - Saturday 3/15. Then I drove to Las Vegas and was there from Sunday 3/16 to Monday 3/17. On Tuesday 3/18 I was due to fly back home to Wisconsin, but my flight didn't leave until 11:35pm. It was only a 5 hour drive from Vegas to Phoenix, so I decided to stop by Lake Havasu City to try out the beer at Barley Brothers Brewery and to see the London Bridge. It was built in 1831 and spanned the River Thames in London, England until it was dismantled in 1967. Robert McCulloch, the founder of Lake Havasu City, bought the bridge and had the bricks numbered, shipped to his new town and reassembled (completed in 1971) so that it could serve as a tourist attraction. And it worked, as evident by the fact that I went out of my way to stop and see it.

It is incredibly hard to predict stats for bullpen pitchers. My stat predictions are based on a full Major League season, which means there's a whole lot of leeway. You don't know if they will be on the roster for the entire year (Wang), sent down to the Minors (Smith, Thornburg), released (Duke), traded (KRod) or removed from the Closer role (Henderson). And I didn't even mention injuries or the possibility of one or more of them (Thornburg, Duke or Smith) starting games because the Rotation suffered cataclysmic injuries. All of those factors will determine their stats on the year. I do my best, but this is the area where I make the worst predictions. So take everything here with a grain of salt.

Wei-Chung Wang #51 - 2-4 record, 3.75 ERA, 45 innings pitched, 40 srtikeouts, made in Taiwan and kept on the Major League roster for the entire year, allowing the Brewers to keep him long-term.

Tyler Thornburg #30 - 4-4 record, 3.84 ERA, 110 innings pitched, 7 starts, 78 strikeouts and once again Tyler Thornburg'd between the bullpen, starting rotation and AAA Nashville.

Will Smith #13 - 2-3 record, 3.04 ERA, 41 innings pitched, 50 strikeouts and not able to escape Miami or the Wild Wild West by Gettin Jiggy wit It in the Summertime because Parents Just Don't Understand and Girls Ain't Nothing but Trouble. But seriously. He's not that Will Smith.

Zach Duke #59 - 1-4 record, 4.65 ERA, 55 innings pitched, 24 strikeouts and the first one cut or sent down to the minors to make room for Tom Gorzelanny. So why did I even bother prorating his stats out to a full season? Because I don't have a girlfriend. That's why.

Brandon Kintzler #53 - 3-1 record, 3.11 ERA, 68 innings pitched, 47 strikeouts, 25 holds and a champion of the movement to make Holds an officially recognized stat by Major League Baseball.

Francisco "KRod" Rodriguez #57 - 2-3 record, 2.85 ERA, 64 innings pitched, 69 strikeouts, 13 for 15 in Save Opportunities and welcomed back for a 5th time despite the possibility of being traded mid-season yet again. So business as usual. Some things never change.

Jim Henderson #29 - 3-3 record, 3.48 ERA, 58 innings pitched, 67 strikeouts, 20 for 24 in save opportunities and the pride of the entire Canadian Nation despite having to share closer duties with KRod. They're just proud one of their native sons is playing in the big leagues. The Canadians have low standards. Does that make me Canadian?

What's better than one Sage? Two Sages of course! Right now I'm faced with a conundrum. If faced with two Sages, would I just try to tackle them by myself? Have the good kind of Threesome (as opposed to the Devil's Threesome)? Or would I clone myself so that each one of me could enjoy each one of her? It's a tough choice. One should not engage in too much excess, so keeping both to myself would be selfish. If I cloned myself then I could share the wealth. And we all know that sharing is caring. Sage should be treated with the kindest, most gentile care because she is an Angel. I would treat Sage #1 with love and respect. Who could I count on to take care of Sage #2? My clone of course! Who better to trust than yourself? Plus it would really freak everyone out if Scott #1 and Sage #1 went out on a double date with Scott #2 and Sage #2. But heaven forbid Scott #1 gets drunk and confused and puts the moves on Sage #2 and pisses off Scott #2 who tries to get even with Scott #1 by sleeping with Sage #1. What a brawl that would be. Scott #1 vs. Scott #2 in an epic battle to the death where the winner gets Sage #1 and Sage #2. Or Scott #1 and Scott #2 could just shake hands and realize that we're prone to make mistakes, especially when we're drunk. The main thing is that two Scotts are better than one Scott and two Sages are definitely better than one Sage. Am I right or am I right?

- pookon -

www.pookon.com
https://twitter.com/pookondotcom
https://www.facebook.com/MilwaukeeIceman

25 Brewers in 25 Days - 2014 - Rightfield

Hey Brauny - The shadows are gone pal. There's nowhere left to hide. You've been standing behind your lies, your shiny glittery dragon t-shirts, your bush baby eyes and your gelled up hairdo for far too long. You got caught... again. Only this time you weren't able to weasel your way out of it by blaming it on "procedure" or "chain of command". MLB caught you red-handed in the Biogensis scandal and you served a 65-game suspension, which makes me wonder - what color are his hands now? Hopefully white. Clean. Free from all dirty foreign objects and scuff marks. I think he's ready to turn the page and move on from this debacle. But the real question is - are the fans ready to let it go? Or will they rain down a chorus of boos like if Gary Sheffield announced on the field during a game that he wanted to come back to the organization and retire as a Brewer. I would love to be there that day just so I could lose my voice in the loudest and longest boo of my life. And I've booed dogs and children on the scoreboard at Miller Park. I can boo with the best of them. But back to Braun.

Look, we all know what he did. But what about what he is going to do now? He's already apologized for "mistakes" and expressed his regret for "transgressions" or whatever mumbo jumbo PR speak he concocted. But love him or hate him you have to agree with me on this - if Ryan Braun doesn't put up MVP-type numbers we aren't going to make the playoffs. We need Braun more than we need the truth about what he was taking and how long he was taking it. Assuming that his thumb is healthy (and whatever malady is gone that kept him out of the lineup last year) he is still one of the best hitters in all of baseball. A top 5 player for sure. His power numbers might fall off a bit (not because of steroids), but because he's not going to get pitched the same. No one respects Ryan Braun anymore. And why should they? The National Media has slammed him. The visiting crowds revile him. The Hometown Fans are divided. You know what will shut all of them up? His performance on the field and him passing every single god damned drug test this season. But even that won't be enough for some people.

I'm going to give you my take on the whole Ryan Braun PED thing just in case you didn't read my 2013 Season Recap here on the blog. To sum it up I think he was hurting real bad by leg or oblique injuries or whatever and realized that the Brewers had a legitimate chance to win the World Series in 2011. He was willing to do whatever it took to stay healthy and to make the pain go away so that he could help his team win it all. The reason why I feel that way is that I had some back trouble in early August of 2013 (Braun was suspended on July 22nd, 2013) and I was in the most pain of my life. I could barely walk, it hurt to sleep or sit down and doing the basic things in life (like putting on my shoes) became a 20 minute endeavor complete with tears and screams of pain. Despite all of this my Doctor would not prescribe me the proper pain medication to help me deal with the agony. 

On August 13th I fell to one of the lowest points in my life. Literally. And this is coming from someone who has dealt with depression, self esteem issues and lost a best friend and brother who was only 24 years old - I fell off of the couch while trying to get up and I laid on the floor unable to move. I don't know how long I was down there but it felt like an eternity. I couldn't summon up the courage or the strength to push through the pain and pick myself up. I was nowhere near my phone so I called out to every God or deity that I could remember by name. At that moment I would have done anything, no matter how illegal, how much my friends and family would be disappointed by my actions, no matter what the cost, the long term repercussions, no matter what the outcome; I would have lied, cheated, stolen or done whatever it took to feel normal again. I can't even fully describe how I felt. It was as close to rock bottom as I've ever been. I don't know how serious Braun's injury was or what he felt like. But if he was anywhere near where I was (or worse) I can completely understand why he did it. That doesn't make it right. But I understand.

It's time to move on. I drove through the desert in Arizona and decided to randomly stop off to the side of the road when it felt right. That's when I filmed this entry. Check out my 9th video, which covers Rightfield for the 2014 Milwaukee Brewers, recorded in the middle of the desert off of Highway 93 in Arizona:

There's nothing that I love more (besides Sage) than taking a drive. Sometimes I have a destination in mind and sometimes I just drive until I don't feel like doing it anymore. When life gets me down, when my troubles become too much to deal with and when I need to get away, I go for a drive. And just like that I am relaxed. I am free. I get centered. I decided to drive from Phoenix to Las Vegas and the drive through the desert was the best part of my entire trip. I had the windows down, the music up and I meandered down this two lane road with some of the most beautiful scenery surrounding me. And then I stopped and recorded this video. This was my favorite thing about doing these videos. For the most part I didn't plan them. I went somewhere, hit record and started talking. The result of which is what you see here. I hope you are having as much fun with this as I was.

Ryan Braun #8 - .304 batting AVG, .369 OBP, 32 HRs, 108 RBIs, 25 stolen bases, a smooth transition to right field, able to deal with the deafening boos on the road and MVP-type numbers despite not getting any MVP votes. You dug your own grave pal. (editor's note: this prediction was made prior to 4/4/13 when it was announced Braun's right thumb, the same one that put him on the DL last year, is still a serious problem. All of my predictions are made based upon perfect health because I need them to come true for the Brewers to succeed).

And here's another picture of Sage. Why? Because I'm fucking in love with her, that's why! You got a problem with that pal? Big fucking deal. You want to bitch and moan about the things I talk about on here then start your own blog about how I'm obsessed with some girl I've only seen on internet and TV commercials. Make fun of how sad and pathetic I am. I encourage you to do it. I want you to do it. Because then it makes it real and I can wake up and put some effort into getting a girl who is more in my league (if she even exists because every girl is way too hot for a guy like me). Just look at her! That smile! Those eyes! The beautiful flowing hair. That body. And that voice too! Have you ever heard her speak? It's like a piece of classical music that tugs at your emotions and brings a tear to your eye. And I know I don't know her and it could all be an act because of the job, but she seems like she truly cares about these teams and Wisconsin Sports. Who doesn't love a chick who is into sports? I'm into chicks who are not into sports. I'm into chicks that are into other chicks. I'm into chicks who don't like being referred to as "chicks". Hell, I'm even into chicks who aren't into anything at all. But I'm definitely into chicks that let me be into them, if you know what I mean. See what I did there? Classic Iceman. I'm sorry. I'm drunk.

Some final thoughts on Braun before I leave you today. I didn't really even mention that he moved from leftfield to rightfield. Some people think that's a big deal and will probably want me strung up in the town square for glossing over the move, but I don't think we should be concerned over it. I get that leftfield is different than playing right. I get playing 1st is different than playing 3rd. Each position in baseball brings its' own unique quirks. But if you are a true athlete you can adjust to any new environment and learn on the job based upon speed, instinct and arm strength. Braun possess a lot of talent and ability. He will be just fine. But can he deal with the knowledge that he probably will never again be an All-Star? That it's very unlikely that he will never get into the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown even though his numbers say otherwise? Can he live with his mistake? Can he even stay healthy for an entire year? I don't know. I doubt he even knows. Some of those questions will be answered this season. Some of those questions will be answered at the end of his career. And some of those questions will never be answered. I'm OK with that. Quit asking questions. Just play baseball.

- pookon -

www.pookon.com
https://twitter.com/pookondotcom
https://www.facebook.com/MilwaukeeIceman

25 Brewers in 25 Days - 2014 - Centerfield

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "America is all about speed. Hot, nasty, bad-ass speed." If she was alive now instead of from 1884-1962, she might have said the same thing about Carlos Gomez. He only knows one speed - fast. There's a reason they call him Go-Go Gomez. Sometimes he goes so hard and so fast that he can't stop. While that can get a little frustrating sometimes when he tries to stretch a double into a triple and gets thrown out at 3rd, I'd rather have a fast guy who can slow down than a slow guy who could never speed up. You can't teach speed. You have it or you don't. But you can teach discipline (remember that word - discipline. Do you want to grow up to be a slacker?) You can teach self-control. You can teach smart base running. I don't Gomez to slow down. He runs hard, crashing into to walls and sacrificing his body to make the catch. He's hurt his knee and broken his collarbone because of this style of play. I'm don't want Gomez to alter his swing. Sometimes he swings to hard he spins around like the Tasmanian Devil. He doesn't take a lot of walks. But his aggressive style of play allowed him to hit for a career high average of .284 and hit 24 homeruns, also a career high. With numbers like that, why would you ask him to change?

You want him to stay the same person he is today. That's who I fell in love with. And of course, since I'm talking about love, I have to mention Sage again. This is getting weird. But it's Brewers related, so I'll allow it. Yeah, all over her face. I hope children and those with morals, high standards or integrity don't read this nonsense I churn out. And I wonder why no one ever takes me seriously. But how serious do you take the 2013 version of Carlos Gomez who won a Gold Glove and represented the Milwaukee Brewers at the All-Star Game? Hopefully as serious as I am when I say that my life would be a lot better off with more Sage in it. A whole lot better. Watch him play. Listen to him talk. See that giant grin that he runs around with. A lot of athletes look like they're just doing a job and collecting a paycheck. Not Gomez. He looks like a little kid in a grown man's body out there just having fun. Kind of like Tom Hanks in Big. I love me some old school Tom Hanks, but if they ever do a Latin remake of that movie I want Carlos Gomez to be the star. 

If you don't believe me just do a simple search online or watch a fucking game or two. It's pretty evident that he plays with a lot of heart, energy and effort. Carlos Gomez will never be accused of taking a play off or half-assing it. I'd like to see Sage take it off and half-ass it. Just a tease is all I need right now. The rest I can fill in with my vivid and creative imagination, although the real thing would be greatly appreciated. I mean it when I say greatly. Want your own personal, well slave isn't the way to put it because I don't think it's PC in 2014 to use that S-word, man to attend to your every need? I would be at full attention (if you know what I mean) to please you in every way. I will go 110% and be like a kid playing an adult's game. I'd be your Carlos Gomez Sage. Except for that uncontrollable speed thing. No one wants to make the first out at 3rd base if you know what I mean. It's time to move on to something more relevant. Every now and then I just like to type such random nonsense because I know that in today's day and age, no one takes the time to read anymore. So if you did you found out that I'm a sick bastard with many problems. Congratulations pal. Enjoy your prize.

Now that we're on the topic of sin, women, adult adventures, games and the fast life, I implore you to check out my 8th video. It covers Centerfield for the 2014 Milwaukee Brewers, recorded outside of The Planet Hollywood Casino overlooking the Bellagio on The Strip in Las Vegas, NV:

I got into Las Vegas on a Sunday evening and proceeded to start drinking heavily. I went gambling in Downtown and lost everything except The Man with One Red Shoe (another old school Tom Hanks reference). I was up until at least 4am and Druken Iceman took over. The next day I was in bed or in my hotel room until 6pm and finally worked up enough effort to venture out to the Strip. I was in Las Vegas after all. I had to run around and get into trouble. I picked a perfect spot to record this video, although things weren't so perfect behind me. Classic Las Vegas. Hell of a town...

Carlos Gomez #27 - .264 AVG, 23 HRs, 72 RBIs, 35 stolen bases, another Gold Glove and truly deserving of the love from every man, woman, child and beast that just always wanted to go fast.

Carlos Gomez is going to see the Lion's share of time in Centerfield for the 2014 Milwaukee Brewers. Why do they call it the lion's share? Is that because he's the King of the Jungle, leader of the pack, the mane man? I've watched enough Medieval movies to know that the King gets to sit high and mighty in his tower eating a giant turkey leg while his soldiers go out and die on the front lines. How do I get that job? And why am I talk about Kings instead of lions? Why didn't I say, "Well, I've seen enough lion movies to know that lions protect their territory, sleep all day, mate with the female lions and eat." Wait... how do I become a lion? That sounds like a way better job! I love napping, I love eating and I love doing it with hot female lions. What? Hey!! Look over there! What's that!?! (Turns and runs away while you're busy looking at that.) Logan Schafer may also see some time in Centerfield but this really is the Carlos Gomez show. He's the King of this Pride (are we back on lions?) and will not surrender his job if he has his way. Now I have nothing against Schafer, but I'm hoping that Carlos Gomez is roaming the savanna of outfield grass at Miller Park for many many years. 

So get excited about Carlos Gomez. Feel it in your pants when he dives for a sinking line drive or when he pulls back a homerun. Feel that erotic tingle down your spine when he swings so hard that the ball is never coming back home even if he threatened to ground it for 3 weeks with no television or internet. Shudder as the tingling sensation overwhelms you went he flies around the bases when he hits one in the gap. And scream in pleasure when he steals 2 bases in one inning and there's not a damn thing the opposing team can do about it. Carlos Gomez just wants to make you happy and make you feel good. Everywhere. And you're going to like it even if you try and resist. You can try and play hard to get all you want, but eventually you too will succumb to the mystical powers that he has over you. Don't fight it. Just sit back and take it all in. Are we still talking about baseball here? I don't know anymore. What do you think?

 - pookon -

www.pookon.com
https://twitter.com/pookondotcom
https://www.facebook.com/MilwaukeeIceman