I'm no stranger to the sauce (alcohol). I like to partake in it quite often and sometimes I go a little overboard. It's probably not good for me and it is certainly one of the reasons why I'm sad and alone. But it has led to some great times and hilarious results. The following text was on a Wednesday night in January 2014. I have this speech-to-text function on my phone and I talked to it when I was drunk. The results below are a combination of me drunkenly slurring my words and the voice recognition software having a difficult time translating it. This leads to a whole lot of random because it's hard for me to tell if I came up with this nonsense or if the A.I. just decided that's what I said. Who knows? All that I know is that I was a little drunk and I just talked until I didn't feel like talking anymore. The best thing about computers that record your thoughts are that they are always there to listen. That's more than I can say about most people in my life. Not many people can put up with this kind of crazy. In case you ever had a question about why I'm still single, the following couple of paragraphs should answer that question. So this is me, drunk on a random Wednesday:
To make things even more ridiculous, I put this into a text to speech generator so that you can listen to a computerized voice try and make sense out of my drunken rambling:
I'm watching The Little Mermaid again, so that pretty much tells you her where this night is. It all started with the rum and the tea lemonade. When life gives you lemons, you just say f*** the lemons and bail. When life gives you lemons TV, you just throw some rum minutes and rage. And then you pretty much just got to be free to go with what happens next. Close your eyes and jump off a cliff and not be scared about what's going to happen man. I should be here every night. But I'm scared man. Too scared to do all the things I should have done instead of what I actually did tonight. Hahahaha. I realize now that I'm making too much sense. Perhaps the ROM is wearing off. All the reason to start drinking again.
Priceline, its 2:30 in the morning. The Hells wrong with you Christian mark? How much time do you have. I wish in mermaid fall in love with me. Hello, I just wish anyone would fall in love with me. Maybe even dudes. It's gotten to that point. Instead of doing something with my life I've become pretty much shut in. Although tonight I really didn't have any other choice. My car battery decided that, "hey man - I don't need a job. I'm not working here anymore. You could just take your your energy in your power and you can just f*** off. I quit." A****** car battery. Things you can just like screw with me then. Well I'll show my finger to tomorrow when I drowned in the river. I'll type concrete block around him. Hellsing to the bottom faster than Lightning McQueen.
Lemonade tea in Rome is the best combo. In Rome? I've never been in Rome. I meant in Rome. No. En Roma you stupid voice thing. How many times do I have to say rum before you get it right? Finally. Jesus. I'm the one who's been drinking. Like I said its not the best combo. That was sweet ass and some big ol titties. Now thats a nice combo. Its like those pretzels with cheese in the middle - they just go together. Is there something wrong with me? Like seriously wrong with me? I mean, like is there some kind of scale where you can compare me against other people that are wrong? I'd like to know just for curiosity sake. I'd like to see where I rank. Like serial killers are red. Really weird. And then like circus clowns are different kind of weird. Method actors are kinda weird as well and so R children's nurseries to grow up. Where do I fit in? Probably somewhere in the middle - Malcolm style. I'm probably not as strange as I think I I am Sam I am. But oh what a lovely tea party.
I think I'm going to change my life so that it revolves more around T. Why is it that the English you're the only one who can have to time? The roots want to cook its two tone hello you. What you stupid sore darling have a spot of tea. And some scripts to. Why should the English have a backyard Christian mark? I want to too. I want to you too James Cameron style. Doesn't understand see you too. I'm going to keep saying to you too and to a concert right TF 2. Cheese too. Tease too. T 2. That was the closest I ever got and it still didn't get to you too right.
I think I'm going to change my life so that it revolves more around T. Why is it that the English you're the only one who can have to time? The roots want to cook its two tone hello you. What you stupid sore darling have a spot of tea. And some scripts to. Why should the English have a backyard Christian mark? I want to too. I want to you too James Cameron style. Doesn't understand see you too. I'm going to keep saying to you too and to a concert right TF 2. Cheese too. Tease too. T 2. That was the closest I ever got and it still didn't get to you too right.
I'm never going to get the Little Mermaid to fall in love with me. Let's not even start talked about the fact that she is a cartoon anime realize. Let's not even talk about the fact that she is a fish ish and I'm a human. That's not a part of this conversation. The real problem is that until I start to figure out what's important in my life and get rid of all the bullshit that surrounds me, I'm never going to let anybody fall in love with me. Not a mermaid, not a cartoon, not a single mother with daddy issues and definitely not a single available woman. So I'm basically screwed. It's a good thing I'm used to the single life because I'm going to be dealing with it for the rest of mine. Lisa give away free cats with you mean Siri. Free so did what cut? What does Siri have to do with this? I was talking about cats and free cats at that at the Humane Society. As long as they're still free I can get a new one everytime my old one unfortunately dies. So in essence I never really be alone. So I got that going for me.
Dealing with colored caulk (Do you think Macaulay Culkin) ever recovered from being left home alone? I mean is f****** parents went to France and left a min apparently situation where's some bumbling criminals and nearly killed him and took all of their possessions. I'm not even talking about the scary furnace or the old man who supposedly killed people and ground them up with salt to spread on the sidewalks. That's a lot for any kid to deal with any probably needed years of therapy. And then to make matters worse, the next year or two later they went to Florida and most his little bitch ass at the airport and pre 9/11 security oh wow him to get on a flight to New York. How does that happen? The Lucia just get so fly by himself nn ones up and just strange city and not only that but it's the biggest city in the whole entire world quest! So he goes and he holds up at the Plaza Hotel for a while and then decide to sit ups in the traps at his uncles place is getting renovated. And Daniel Stern Joe Pesci, the two dumbest criminals of all time, ended up getting spoiled by the soul but I start again. I know they're not the best but they're still adults. They shouldn't get to see did buy some punk ass little kid. Even if this kid knows what the hell he's doing. So what's the code (Macaulay Culkin) up to these days? F*** if I know. He was Richie Rich and then he was in some other flicks and then he hung out with Michael Jackson and got touched and then just kind of got old and got weird. For all I know is sitting in some bunker somewhere like Howard Hughes counting all of his money and staying away from germs. What a f****** weirdo. But I'm sure he gets more pussy than I do. Is that a bunch of bullshit? He can get like a wife for something and I can't. Just goes to show you that all girls just dig money. Especially if you're weird like Macaulay and like me. So am I just home alone. Apparently. Story of my life.
So this is me whether you like it or not. I'm not ashamed of who I am or else I wouldn't put all of this out there for everyone to see. What's the point in trying to be someone that you aren't? If people don't like you for who you are, then screw them. There's plenty of people in this World and chances are I will find someone who has the capacity to deal with all of this nonsense. Of course I will have to tone it down a little bit and unleash the beast in small increments. You never go full Makena and show them the entire package right away. That scares the ladies away. Of course my face and my size already does that before I'm able to show them the Makena. What is the Makena? Wouldn't you like to know. But I can't give you access to that information at the moment. Only the special ones get to see what lurks underneath the surface. But I haven't met her yet. I'm starting to think that I never will. I've never been lucky in love. I've never even been unlucky in love. Who knows really. I've been in love many times but no one has loved me back. Who is to blame? Me of course! You just read or listened to all of the goofy stuff that I came up with when I was drunk. If you were a single, available female looking for a male partner, would you introduce that to your friends and family or allow that to be the Father of your children? Of course not. So here I am. I make myself laugh. But I'm the only one laughing.
- pookon -
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