I fucking love Total Recall. It's one of my favorite science fiction movies of all time and might just be by favorite Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. I've been watching this flick since I was a little kid which is a little upsetting considering the high amount of violence, the mutant freaks and a woman with 3 titties. That kind of stuff would scar a normal kid but you probably guessed that I wasn't a normal kid. In fact this movie just me all kinds of hyped and made me thirst for not only more Arnold movies but also for more 3 tittied mutant movies. Sadly this is the only one that I know of so it has to do. They need to make more movies with 3 tittied mutants. There's only one! Whoever has the idea but isn't running with it is sitting on a gold mine! Does that mean I'm sitting on a gold mine? Once I gather the capital that is needed to start up a business (imagine me going to a bank to apply for a small business loan and they ask what I plan on doing and I tell them I'm making movies with 3 tittied mutants... awkward) I'm going to bring you all kinds of sweet flicks with 3 tittied mutants. So be on the lookout for that. Coming soon to a street corner near you. I'll be selling them out of the trunk of my car because I doubt any store on this planet will sell them there. But I will be hugely popular on Mars and the rest of the solar system where 3 tittied women are the norm.
There's another reason why I love this movie and it has nothing to do with the alteration of female anatomy. Timmy and I used to watch this movie a lot and would often whisper Quaid... (like the alien Kuato does) whenever we saw or talked about Randy or Dennis Quaid. My Mom is in love with Dennis Quaid so she would watch a lot of his movies. We'd tease he that she was in love with Quaid... and she would wonder why we whispered it instead of saying it out loud. I don't think she ever saw Total Recall so I don't blame her for not getting our inside joke. I still whisper Quaid... even though Timmy is gone and I don't care that anyone doesn't get my jokes. It's funny to me and always will be. Timmy and I had so many inside jokes that it would be damn near impossible to stop doing them and laughing hysterically afterwards. That's just the kind of connection we had.
Keeping in tradition with my Live Tweet movie sessions, I was good and drunk while watching this movie. Proceed with caution from here on out because I tend to be very unfiltered when I'm drunk and on Twitter. Look, if you are still reading and weren't turned away by the 3 tittied mutant talk in the first paragraph, nothing below here is going to offend you. And if you are offended then get over it. It's called humor and taste. Humor is subjective and if you don't find it funny then leave. There are plenty of other people out there who do so deal with it. So you have been warned, but here is my Drunken Twitter Commentary to one of my favorite movies. I present my take on Total Recall.
Now it's time to get my ass to Mars. That's right you Kuato lovers, time to drunken #LiveTweet #TotalRecall!
There's no better way to suck audiences in right away than with a sweet 90's action score and an Arnold freakout. #TotalRecall
You would hate it on Mars. It's dry, it's ugly, it's boring. Kind of like my ex-wife. #TotalRecall
Lori, I changed my mind. I don't want to go to Mars. I want to go to Uranus. #TotalRecall
So there are terrorists on Mars? I thought Operation Enduring Freedom took care of those fuckers. Must have missed a few. #TotalRecall
Those scanners in the subway can see if you are packing heat. They can also see what you are packing in your shorts. #TotalRecall
They couldn't get Arnold's actual twin Danny Devito to cameo in this flick so they got a look alike? Cheap bastards. #TotalRecall
Doug Quaid? I wonder if he is related to Dennis and Randy Quaid. That would make for a pretty fantastic family reunion. #TotalRecall
That's nice these people can give you Total Recall. I can't even experience drunken recall or recall where I parked my car. #TotalRecall
Arnold looks way too happy to enter the Recall program. It's like he found a Turbo Man doll for his son or some shit. #TotalRecall
I use Johnny Bowl to describe a large bowl for food such as cereal. Pretty sure I stole it from the Johnny Cab. Guilty. #TotalRecall
The Danny Devito clone tries to kill Arnold but ends up getting killed. Vincent should have known not not mess with his twin. #TotalRecall
Arnold takes domestic violence to a new level as he throws a chair at his wife's face. But she did deserve it. #TotalRecall
Damn I'm lonely. I'm willing to be a secret agent and have my memory erased just so some chick could pretend to be my wife. #TotalRecall
Someday I hope to be important enough to have some chick sleep with me and pretend to be my wife. Just to keep an eye on me. #TotalRecall
Subway security got a look at Arnold's package and got jealous. Look guys, that's no reason to arrest him. #TotalRecall
A lot of people die on this escalator. Not just that one kid who is back on the escalator again. #Mallrats #TotalRecall
In an hour Arnold could have Total Recall. In an hour I'm going to be totally passed out. #drunk #TotalRecall
If Patrick Duffy told me to wrap a towel around my head I'd tell him to go fuck himself + take care of his stepkids. #TotalRecall
That old bitch should have been allowed to keep the suitcase. Whatever happend to finders keepers losers weepers? #TotalRecall
Johnny Cab just tried to kill Arnold. That will teach that Austrian fuck. Don't skip out on cab fair. It's just not right. #TotalRecall
I once stuck a Whopper malted milk ball up my nose. But it wasn't used for tracking. It was to entertain my co-workers. #TotalRecall
Arnold had to dress like a fat woman to pass through customs on Mars. To go into Canada, I just had to be a fat man. #TotalRecall
Mars sucks. I mean it. Literally. It sucks you from inside the compound into the barren wasteland. #TotalRecall
Cohaagen? That's not the administrator of the colony on Mars. That's an unincorporated community in Montana. #TotalRecall
The first thing Arnold does on Mars is to check in at the Hilton. Foley works at the Hilton. #ThatsWhyTheyCallHimMadMan #TotalRecall
Arnold has horrible penmanship. It's not even proper grade school cursive. The Austrian school system is terrible. #TotalRecall
Benny has 5 kids to feed. Seems like a pretty good reason to take a ride in his cab. I don't have kids. I wouldn't know. #TotalRecall
Hands down. Like 3 hands down. The best scene in the movie. A woman with 3 titties? Lord have mercy. #TotalRecall
Good to see that the not Wendy's Dave Thomas and some freak with a vagina on his face are part of the mutant revolution. #TotalRecall
"You never loved me Hauser. You just used me to get inside." Yeah. Get inside that pussy you dirty slut. #TotalRecall
Benny wishes he had three hands so he could grab those 3 titties all at once. And I wish I had 3 dicks. #masturbation #TotalRecall
The entire world is after Quaid + he is chilling in his hotel room. Only a squirrelly little doctor could find him. Bullshit. #TotalRecall
A fake doctor and his fake wife come to convince him he's in a dream. I'm confused. Or drunk. Can it be both? #TotalRecall
Quaid took the pill. In his mouth. Another fucker did that. His name was Neo. He took the red pill. The truth is revealed. #TotalRecall
This chick is some kind of Spanish. Which is why I don't understand how she almost loses this fight. Supposed to be feisty. #TotalRecall
"You wouldn't hurt me sweetheart. We were married." He shoots her in the head. "Consider that a divorce." Best line ever. #TotalRecall
The chick with 3 boobs didn't deserve to die. First time I cried during movie. She has 3 beautiful things to share. #TotalRecall
The midget stripper meant business when she stabbed that dude. She might be 1/2 the size, but she's 100% business. #TotalRecall
I'm sick of talking about #Braun. I need to readjust my priorities for what's really important - finishing #LiveTweeting #TotalRecall
All that Benny ever says is I got 5 kids to feed. My grade school friend Cortez always said his Uncle Morris only had 3 toes. #TotalRecall
I don't recall a whole lot from my childhood but I will never forget Uncle Morris and his 3 toes. #TotalRecall
Cohaagen says stop fighting and pull out. I'm cool with your birth control method. It's just that condoms work better. #TotalRecall
They stopped the air flow to the mutants. Listen pal, the lack of oxygen is the least of these freaks' problems. #TotalRecall
People will confess a lot of things at gunpoint. Benny reveals his mutant hand. I would reveal that I'm secretly gay. #TotalRecall
Not Wendy's Dave Thomas hides a mutant baby in his belly. I only hide digested cookies and steak sandwiches. #TotalRecall
When Kuato gets shot he whispers Quaid...Quaid.... Timmy and I used to do this anytime we saw or mentioned Dennis Quaid. #TotalRecall
They locked Arnold up in the chamber and made him try to recall the plot of this movie. Which is why he went mad. #TotalRecall
Just once in my life I want to stab someone in their throat. Just to see if the blood shoots out in a stream like that. #TotalRecall
We all made plates as kids. Mine has a Christmas tree. Mike Bates' had this mine drilling tank from #TotalRecall. Awesome.
Quaid drills Benny. But not in a gay way. Pervert. I mean he drills him. Literally. There was blood everywhere. #TotalRecall
In this flick you get 2 Arnolds for the price of 1! Talk about a deal! That means twice as many freak outs and one liners! #TotalRecall
Do you think Arnold would do Melina and her hologram at the same time? It'd be like a 3 way but not really. #TotalRecall
A fight on an elevator. The only fight I ever had in an elevator was to keep the gas inside of me. You can't fart in there. #TotalRecall
Richter just lost his arms. Good thing he lost his life too. Would be impossible to masturbate without arms and hands. #TotalRecall
I wish that the alien handprint on the device had a big middle finger. One big fuck you to the people who find it. #TotalRecall
Frodo throws the one ring into Mount Doom and Arnold gets to breathe on Mars. So glad the movie had a happy ending. #TotalRecall
Atmospheric change happened way too fast on Mars. I know it was alien technology, but do you really expect me to believe that? #TotalRecall
If I were able to recall all of the horrible shit I've done in my life, I'd want to get my ass to Mars too. #TotalRecall
There's a remake of Total Recall coming out this August directed by Len Wiseman (the Underworld movies and Live Free or Die Hard) that has Colin Farrell as Douglas Quaid, Kate Beckinsale as Lori, Jessica Biel as Melina and Bryan Cranston as Cohaagen. That's a pretty awesome cast and so far the trailers look pretty sweet. But here's the kicker - unless they're not trying to give shit away there is no Mars. There is no Richter. There is no party to see him at. There is no Benny. It looks like a sweet science fiction film but it doesn't look like Totall Recall. I'm sure it's faithful to the source material (Phillip K. Dick's short story "We Can Remember It for You Wholesale") but it isn't the Total Recall that I grew up with. It looks too slick and modern to be the 90's classic action blockbuster where some Austrian dude spits out one-liners. So I'm a little leery of it, much like I am with every remake of a movie from my childhood. So we'll see on this. I can't promise to go see the new Total Recall. I will say that if I do I won't be drunk and Live Tweeting it. I only do that with movies I love and have seen many many times. I still have some more Live Tweet movie commentaries to share with you and I've shared the best ones for last so make sure to check back here at Pookon's Ill Blog, your source for all the juvenile humor and drunken observations that you need to know while watching a movie.
- pookon -
email: pookondotcom@gmail.com
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