A Glass of Wine

In keeping on topic with sober week, I'm going to present you with an article that I have been writing for some time about wine. Now that I am supposed to be a grown up, I'm going to have to start conforming with society. That means drinking wine at dinner parties, discussing current world events and attending community meetings that focus on improving the quality of life in the neighborhood. Of course then I'd have to start wearing neatly pressed khakis and sweater-vests, but it would be worth it if I could be accepted by the middle class society. That day may or may not come (I can't make any promises either way), but I have to prepare myself now by drinking the wine that I can be ready for the future. Plus I need to get used to wearing sweater-vests and caring about the community. Yuck.

I read somewhere that having a glass of wine each day has been shown to reduce the risk of heart disease, certain cancers and slow the progression of neurological degenerative disorders like Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s Disease. Some people (not to point fingers, but I'm talking to you Mom) have criticized me for my love of alcohol, but I'm just trying to stay healthy. If online doctors using the Google on the internet machine say that it is good, then I'm going to listen to them and take their advice. After all, how can internet doctors be wrong? When has the internet ever led you astray? Isn't WebMD the place to get better information and better health? I'm just trying to live past 50 people! And I might just need some white zinfandel, cabernet sauvignon, and chardonnay to get me there. Who's with me?

But I think that naysayers and people like my Mother get all uppity because people like me drink to excess, much like when they consume an entire bottle of wine (750 ML) in a day instead of the 1 or 2 glasses that make wine healthy. The only benefit that you get from the wine is a little classy buzz that helps you write genius commentary on a website or a blog. Plus wine is relatively cheap compared to some of the other forms of alcohol, and it makes me feel more like an adult than when I drink countless cans of Milwaukee's Best Ice.But the hangover can be quite troublesome depending on which grade of wine you consume. They say the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice, but I say the cheaper the wine, the heavier the hangover. I know that all too well.

Which leads me into my next point. I'm not a wine guy at all, so when I drink wine it usually comes in a plastic bag with a nozzle inside of a cardboard box. Chillable Red is my favorite, and it comes courtesy of the Franzia Wine Company, who have paved the way for kids of all "legal" drinking ages to S the B. That is the main benefit to drinking box wine because no matter how you try, you can't get as much satisfaction by slapping a glass bottle as you do by slapping a plastic bag. It's so much fun, that a small group of us have been known to consume all 5 liters in 1 night, which results in some pretty wicked hangovers the next day. Hangovers in general suck, but B-Dubs hangovers are hell. My head feels like the B getting S'd repeatedly for an extended period of time.

All's good with consuming a safe amount of wine everyday, as long as I don't end up like this guy. He calls himself the World's Greatest Wine-O, and he prides himself on being a drunken attraction at Venice Beach. If you give him some money (which he promises to spend on booze, and I totally believe him) he will tell you funny jokes, songs and stories. Now that I think about it, being this guy wouldn't be so bad. He probably makes more money than me, doesn't pay taxes, hangs outside with hot chicks, drinks all day, and is loved and remembered by all who cross his path. I bet if I engaged in conversation with someone who has been to Venice beach and I mentioned the Wine-O, they'd know exactly who I was talking about. Now that's big time famous. That's legendary. All for being a drunken derelict. I've been aiming high as far as career and life goals go, maybe I should start aiming low like this guy.

- pookon -

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email: pookondotcom@gmail.com