For me, it's always Fat Tuesday

Cause that's what kind of happens when you are fat. And no, I am not the dude wearing purple in this picture. It was one of the first pictures (besides woman flashing their titties) that I found when I did a Google Image search for Fat Tuesday. I see no reason to celebrate excess and why we get so excited about it. America is too fat to have holidays that celebrate eating and partying. But Mardis Gras has been celebrated for hundreds of years, so it's ok then, right? Wrong. We already have Thanksgiving (which probably came first and is more American) so why do we need this French shit still? Cause we love to eat and we love to party. USA! USA! USA!

I've reached critical mass. Literally. I can still walk around without needing a rascal and I don't need to be hoisted out of bed by a crane. And when I go to the beach they don't yell out "thar she blows!" and start hurling harpoons at me. But I'm pretty damn close. The problem is that I eat too much and don't exercise. I've always been a big person (as opposed to the "little people" celebrities in Hollywood always thank when accepting awards) but lately I'm spiraling out of control. I feel like I have an eating disorder because I keep on eating all the time when I'm not hungry. I've tried going on Hunger Strikes before, but those usually don't go well because whenever they end, I binge on all sorts of horrible stuff. And erase any progress I've made. I really don't even like comparing it to an eating disorder because I feel like I could just stop at anytime. I'm not addicted to food right? But then why can't I stop eating crap even though I know that it is bad for me?

Sometimes I do feel helpless, especially when I stand in front of the fridge at 3am when I should be sleeping. I know it's a terrible idea to eat, but I do it anyway. My weight is of big concern to me. It always has been. You probably never really hear me talk about it though because I don't mention it. It's not like I can hide being fat because even when you wear track pants and size 3XL shirts, you can still see that a person is large. In order to deal with it I developed a sense of humor early in life. I learned that people only really like the fat guy is if he is funny. I have a long list of comedians to thank for that including John Candy, Chris Farley and more recently Jonah Hill (whom I often get compared to). It's easy to hide your self-loathing and depression behind a fake smile and a joke. If people think that you are joking then they don't feel sorry for you and try to reach out and help. Kermit said that it's not easy being green, and I say it's not easy being fat. But the difference between me and Kermit (besides the fact that he needs a hand up his ass to be able to talk) is that he can't change being green, but I can change being fat.

I'm always going to be a bigger person no matter what I do. This is in no disrespect to my family, but we're built bigger than the average person. We even have a playful nickname to go along with our heavyness. We call it the "Kurutz Curse". And we try to do whatever we can to avoid being another victim. But thanks to Nana Meals (which I hate to knock because we can no longer have them) and my inactive lifestyle, I have become the very thing that I have tried to avoid. And although sometimes I feel like there's no point to improve my life because I don't plan on living past 50, I still have time to change. I'm only 28, which seems awfully close to 30. But 30 is the new 25. That means I've still got plenty of time to turn this robust ship around.

But I don't have too much time left. I believe that my weight is the source of a lot of my issues having to do with confidence and self esteem. And I have to get over that if I plan on living life. Take for instance the fact that I've never had a girlfriend. Kinda sad for a 28 year old to admit that, right? I've had plenty of girls that I've hung out with and loved, but although we hung out exclusively for months or a year at times, we never really took it to the next level cause I was always scared. And not scared of ghosts or anything, but scared of being loved I guess. I never understood (and to this day I still don't understand) why people like me. It's kind of hard for me to grasp the concept of it when I don't really like myself. So then it's easy for me to rationalize that I can't enter a romantic relationship with that doubt in mind.

This kind of thing didn't used to bother me cause I stay busy enough with family and friends (plus hobbies like this blog and pookon.com) that I'm used to doing things. And those times when I'm alone (like right now) I'm working on stuff like this that keeps my mind off of it. But it's times like when I hang out with people my age that makes me realize that perhaps I am missing out on a part of life that most people get to experience - dating, falling in love and getting married. I think about this often because I am 28 years old, and most of my friends are either married or engaged. Being the weird single guy in the group of couples is extremely awkward, which is why I usually just hang out by myself and eat and drink. And I think about things like this without taking action.

Which leads us to today. Today (as I've mentioned) is Fat Tuesday, the day before the Christian Season of Lent begins. I was raised Catholic/Christian, and although I don't go to church nearly as often as my Mom wished that I did, my upbringing in the Faith has shaped who I am as a person, and I will always be thankful for that. In Lent, it is customary to give up something and make a sacrifice for the weeks leading up to Easter. When I was a kid I used to give up candy or soda, but I don't remember ever doing it for the duration of Lent. I wanted to give up drinking this year (because I probably do it too much) but I decided against it because it's something that I really like to do. My Mom would certainly say then that that is definitely the reason why I should give it up. I am in no way addicted to alcohol (but they do say the first sign is not admitting it or some shit like that but I know I could go without drinking as I have done in the past) but it is a part of who I am. But what I will do is to make a conscious effort to limit when and how much I drink. Like for instance - don't get wasted on a Wednesday night when I have to be in at work at 9am the next morning. But enough about alcohol, because that is a whole 'nother story.

Coming up with a New Year's Resolution (which always gets broken) and a Lenten Promise (which doesn't last for the entire season) are the 2 times a year when I at least make an effort to change. The only problem is that it usually doesn't get past the inception stage. No action is taken upon this, and frankly I'm getting tired of my shit. I hate being who I am (besides my sense of humor and a few other personality traits I've developed over the years) and I feel like I could change that If I could figure out a way to change that. My biggest problem is motivation, and often I feel like I am all alone with this problem. That's probably because I never tell anyone about this shit. I have countless journals full of feelings and the greatest blog entry I've never posted with a list of 50 things that are true about me to prove it. That shit cuts just a little too deep for me to share with you because it is the God honest truth. No bullshit. But that's beside the point. Man I need to stop whining like I need to finish this entry. I just lack to motivation to do anything about it.

I am a member of a gym (Anytime Fitness) but I rarely go because I am embarrassed to be the fat guy at the gym. It sounds stupid because you would think that although it is hideous to watch me sweating all over the place and bouncin' around, I'm at least trying not to be fat, right? I should get some credit for the effort, right? It's then that I realize that this is all in my head and I have more issues than tissues. So if I have the time to sit around and bitch about my sorry excuse for a life, then I should have the time to do something about it. Instead of giving up something for Lent I instead will make a promise to myself to go to the gym to work out at least 3 times a week starting tonight. The hardest part is just getting there, because once I'm inside I actually enjoy working out and the satisfaction I get from it. But it's so incredibly hard to drag my fat ass off of the couch to go there. But once again, at least I am trying something.

So now this the part when I reflect over the past hour that I have spent thinking about this. And surprisingly I wasn't drunk when I wrote this debacle on here, which is a departure from the usual. I guess that it means that it is something that I really care about and want to make a conscious effort to work on, but I'm going to have to say that I need your help. Mom always said don't use the word hate because it is such a strong word but I hate asking for help. I like to think that I am independent enough to do this kind of thing on my own but obviously not, because I have gotten progressively worse the last few years. I originally came up with this title last year around Mardi Gras because it seemed like a funny way to bring up a serious topic. And it took me a whole year to actually write these thoughts down.

Looking back on it (although right now I refuse to read what I have written) this entry isn't very funny. In fact it is pretty damn serious. That sucks. I'm not known for being serious. And if you are the select few to read this don't worry about the 1st things that come to mind like suicidal thoughts and depression and stuff like that. But trust me, it's not that serious. I can't see me getting to that extreme. Which is why I struggled about writing this down, and why I am struggling with actually posting this then sending you the link. I don't think that it's that big of an issue but I'll let you be the judge of that I guess. I don't really know where to go from here. So I guess I'll just let you process this information and we'll go from there.

I guess the reason I am doing this is that I don't want to die and I just want to be happy like everyone else. But I know that everyone is not happy. I guess I just want to be able to look at myself in the mirror every day and not be repulsed by what I see, inside and out. And unless I do something about it I'm just going to pass through life unfilled, no matter how it looks like from the outside. But I bet some of you already saw this thing coming. You don't have to have a crystal ball to tell you all or most of the things that I just said. I'm going to go ahead and stop typing before I burden you with all of the other crap that I feel is bothering me. Nobody wants to open up that Pantera's Box. Cause all you'd get is the Cowboys from Hell. It's always good to end on a joke... Helps to alleviate some of the seriousness that went on here. But should I really be doing that?


- pookon -

www.pookon.com
email: pookon.com@gmail.com