You ever just hang with The Darkness? And no, I'm not talking about the British rock group that shot to fame in 2003 thanks to their insanely popular song "I Believe in a Thing Called Love." Although I have been listening to their music a lot lately and look forward to a new album that's supposed to drop sometime this year, but that's not the Darkness that I was referring to. Last night I experienced something that I haven't been privy to in a very long time - darkness as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep. When I was younger I used to have difficulty falling asleep so much to the point that I would lay in bed for sometimes hours trying to take that trip into dreamland. And the problem to me seemed that it was too quiet and too dark and I was left alone with my thoughts. For me this was a bad thing because when I'm alone and bored my brain starts cranking out ideas of how to entertain myself. That's good if you're trying to write a paper or commentary on social events but it didn't help me fall asleep. So then I started putting on white noise like a fan but then I got used to that as well. That's when I decided to put on a movie to put me to sleep. And what happened? It worked of course, and ever since then I've put on a movie to help me get to sleep at night.
The only qualification for a sleep movie had to be one that I've seen like 100 times, which led to many repeated viewings of Baseketball, Office Space and Back to the Future. I'm pretty sure that I wore out my VHS copies of those movies. Yes you read that correctly. I had all of those on VHS. If it was a movie that I've never seen I would sit awake and watch it intrigued about what would happen next. If I knew the movie line for line ideally I could act it out in my sleep, and the faint sound of dialogue and the glow of the TV was enough to rock me to sleep at night. I don't think that I necessarily need the TV to put me to sleep. It's not like I'm some late night TV junkie that needs his fix in order to feel right. It's just that I got so used to it that it became a habit and just 2nd nature. Part of the going to bed ritual involved setting the sleep timer so that the menu for The Replacements doesn't sit on the screen all night long and burn an imprint into my TV. I don't think that there is anything wrong with this behavior and it is nothing that I'm embarrassed about. But why then did I have such a problem hanging out alone in the darkness last night wishing that I had my TV to tell me that everything was going to be OK in the morning? I think that's the very definition of a problem when you go without something for one day and you already miss it.
So last night was my 1st night in seemingly forever that I went to bed surrounded by darkness and silence. And even though I miss hearing the 80's synth score from Fletch as I think about which one of his personas I'm going to be tonight (is it a Gordon Liddy night or a Dr. Rosenpenis kind of night?) I kind of liked it. I don't sit around and think very often without some kind of distraction like music, TV or the internet taking me away from reality. That's because reality sucks. You know what I thought about last night? How much I miss my brother and how unfair it is that he's gone. And how much my life has changed in the past year. I remember holding my hand a few inches from my face and not being able to make it out clearly. And that pretty much sums up my life right now. I can't really see too far ahead of where I am right now because I'm shrouded in darkness. Everything in my life tends to shift towards the negative side because what's the point of being happy and having fun adventures if my best friend isn't here to share them with me. But sitting there alone for a while got me thinking yet again. And this goes back to what I was saying yesterday. It's not about what you don't have it's what you do have. My cat Coach Gordon Bombay sleeps on or near me at night and he loves the shit out of me. And all the time I think about Jenny Reck and the fun things that we say and do. And cousin Kevin and I are planning out the summer and seeing what kind of Brewers roadtrip we can go on. There's some good out there in my head as long as I push the bad thoughts away. But first I guess I have to give them the opportunity to get in there so that I can deal with them and process that information. It's time to face it head on and stop running away from my feelings and emotions. If I keep doing that I'll be running for the rest of my life.
Not watching TV is easy if you have other things to do. But it is also almost impossible to avoid. Yesterday after work I went and got my hair cut. Today after work I went to play trivia at a bar. At both places there were TVs on. I will admit that I did look at them but I didn't stare longingly at them and get trapped in their glare like I do when I catch the eyes of a beautiful Serbian girl. And I think that is the whole point of this - I dig foreign chicks. No, that's not the point of this. TV isn't evil and it isn't a problem as long as you don't allow it to overtake your life. If it's on in the background while you do other things then you can go about your life being creative and putting your talents to good use. Staring at a TV program is not productive in any way, even if people claim that they learned something new and fascinating from something on the Cooking Network or the Science Channel. That's all good and all but it doesn't mean a god damn thing unless you use that knowledge in a productive manor. If TV influences you to take up baking and you start playing with recipes then good. If an astronomy show piques your interest and you grab a telescope and go out to the country to look at some of the most wonderful things our universe has to offer then go at it. Basically all I'm saying that there is a world of difference in watching someone else do things and live their lives versus you going out and doing it on your own. Be a participant. Do something. Don't be like me sitting there watching other people live. Live your life.
All this is really interesting because while sitting around writing this I'm doing just what I don't want to do - talking about shit instead of doing it. But I'm one that needs to get all this stuff out of my head before I can move on and actually do it. And the easiest way to do that is to write about it so I have a permanent copy to reference at a later date. I don't know exactly where I was going with this because I got lost in the eyes of that girl up there. I spent a lot of time looking for her on the internet. If I spent that much time looking for a real girl I probably wouldn't be wasting my time on the internet. But that's just the thing man. There's so much beauty in this world but I don't take the time to find it or appreciate it. Tomorrow I'm going to actually take a lunch break and I'm going to go out and find some beauty. Even though it is winter here in Wisconsin I know I can go out and find something beautiful. It's always out there waiting for you but you just have to shut out all of the distractions and open up your eyes and let it in. And in the end that's what this week is all about. Shut out the distractions and allow myself to be free and to be able to express myself in the best way I can. I'm not trying to be profound or introduce something new to you or me. Really I'm just trying to be myself. Did you know that I was an English major and a Journalism major before I graduated with a degree in Communications? I wanted to be a writer, and I feel like lately I have been denying myself of letting that happen. I only hope that once this experiment ends I keep doing the thing that I love. And that's what makes me happy.
I love music. I live music. I need music. I can go without TV for a long time but I wouldn't last 10 minutes without music. Even if I don't have something on I'm whistling, humming or singing to myself. And I have a new appreciation for music because right now that's the only thing that I have besides my writing. When was the last time you just sat and closed your eyes and listened music? I'm listening to Paramore right now and I can honestly tell you that at 12:40am tonight it doesn't get any better than this. If a girl has a good voice I could listen to her forever. I love the sound of a woman singing and within the last year Haley Williams has really done it for me. Say what you want pal but it kills me. Nothing is hotter than a singer with a good voice. I would tell you who comes in a very close second right now but I'm not going to tell you that one. I can't reveal everything about me. People love a good mystery and if I give away the ending, who's going to keep reading the book?
You can give me shit all you want. I don't care. All that I know is that I feel better than I have in a long time. Probably the best I've felt during L.A.T. (Life After Timmy which will most likely be the turning point in my life when all is said and done.) Maybe it's the haircut. Maybe's it's because I'm writing again. Maybe it's because I'm starting to get out some of my pent up emotions. Maybe it's because I was bored last night and went to sleep and got 8 hours of sleep for the first time in forever. Maybe it's because I was sick for the entire month of January and basically gave up drinking and now I'm seeing the world so much clearer than I ever have. It could be any of those reasons. It could be none of them. But I think I am finally seeing the path towards accepting myself for who I am and not being so upset about it. I can't love life and love other people until I love myself and I could be on the slow and uphill path towards that goal. Who knows man. All that I know is that I have plenty of time to figure it out. I have all of that time back that I used to waste so who knows what I can do with it. It's scary to think of what I can do if I apply myself.
2 days and we have this. Bet you never saw that coming. How am I going to be after a whole week? Who knows man, but I certainly am glad that you are coming along for the ride. Life is crazy and it throws a lot of things at you. Reach out and grab the good and duck out of the way from the bad. Just do something. That's all I ask. And if you chose not to then fine. I'm living my life, you're living yours. If you are happy then I'm all for it. I just know that I'm not so I have to do something about it. Life is too short to be miserable especially when there is so much joy in this world. And with all this new found free time I'm going to go find it.
- pookon -
email: pookondotcom@gmail.com
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