I want to punch a Kangaroo. Before you get mad, I just want to tell you that I have nothing against animals (in fact, I really like them because they taste good). And I know someone with a conscience from PETA is gonna get all over my ass for this comment, but if God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them taste so good. I just want to punch a kangaroo because I heard somewhere (or maybe just saw it on Looney Tunes) that kangaroos punch back. I think that it would be pretty crazy to get into a brawl with one of these marsupials. It would be even crazier to get us both drunk and then we can duke it out like drunken buffoons. I can't say who would win, because I've never A - been in a real fight and B - been in a real fight with a kangaroo. Get me drunk enough and I'm sure that I'd be a loose cannon. I'd show that beast who's boss.
I want to suplex a Bear. A suplex is an offensive move used in wrestling. The move consists of one wrestler picking up his or her opponent off the ground (or mat) and then using a large portion of his or her own body weight to drive the opponent down on the mat. Nearly all suplexes have the attacker going down to the mat with the opponent landing on his or her back. That definition is from the Wikipedia, but if you've ever watched WWE/WWF wrestling, then you've seen this move performed. I just think that it would be rad to do this to a bear, although you run the risk of having your head gnawed off because you have to be in close proximity of the bear, grab it, then lift it over your head and drop them to the ground. I'd show that beast who's boss.
I want to Karate Chop a Dolphin. They always have that smug look on their face, like they are smarter than me. They splash around in the water with the mischievous grin, like they are just waiting to take over the world once the polar ice caps melt and global warming dooms mankind. I'd bring it up on land so that I have the advantage than I'd go Chuck Norris on his ass and Karate Chop it and follow that up with a roundhouse kick to the face. People say that Dolphins are smart, but I say that they are smart asses. I'd Karate Chop that grin right off its face. I'd show that beast who's boss.
I want to push a Cougar down the stairs. They look like big cats, but don't be swayed by their cutesy looks or their playful demeanor - these felines want to eat your face off. They simply can't be trusted, which is why no one in their right mind keeps them in captivity. Zoos do, but then again zoo workers are thrill seekers who cheat death every day to get a rise out of it by being around these creatures. If a cougar ever confronted me in a suburban home in middle America, Id lure it up to the second floor, point behind it an dexclaim "what's that?", then when it looks, push it down the stairs. I'd show that beast who's boss.
I want to point and laugh at a Platypus. What a loser. I'd gather some school kids, point and laugh, call him God's mistake, and scar him for life. What are you man? Are you a duck? Are you a beaver? It's like God was playing around with DNA and dropped it into a bucket, let it sit for awhile, and then pulled a platypus out like it was a white rabbit at a magic show. That shit just came out of nowhere. I would then put some pants on the platypus, then pull its pants down around its ankles and laugh some more. It would turn beat red then hide its ugly mug from the world. I'd show that beast who's boss.Before you get all uppity and try and contact the proper authorites to have me arrested for inhuman acts towards animals, take a second to consider the fact that I am all talk and no game. Plus you have no proof. I'm too much of a pansy to get into it with a kangaroo, bear, cougar or platypus. I'm terrifed of those beasts. There's a reason that they put glass walls or moats as barriers between animals and humans at the zoo. It's because animals eat humans! Sure, we eat them back, but only after they are cooked and marinated over open flames. I'm sure glad that animals don't know how to read, or else they'd all come after me after they came across this blog entry. Maybe I should think twice about posting it - there are a shitload of animals out there. If they read this, there will be a shitload of pissed off animals out there. And when animals get mad, animals attack! Screw it, I'm taking my chances by posting this! Screw you animals!
- pookon -
No comments:
Post a Comment