There are some movies that I absolutely love that I get a lot of shit liking. Look I know that everyone is entitled to their own opinion but the movies that I love are fucking sweet. We're not talking about boring old classics like Gone with the Wind or romantic comedy fodder like 27 Dresses here. I'm talking about ass kicking movies like Total Recall, The Replacements and this movie - Face/Off. The involvement of Nicolas Cage and John Travolta might turn some people away but in 1997 they were on top of the world. Travolta had found a career resurgance due to Pulp Fiction and Broken Arrow and Cage was in his prime coming off of The Rock and Con Air. At the time there were no two bigger movie stars and director John Woo had made the transition into American Cinema. Look I'm not going to sit here and tell you about how good the movie is or give you a plot synopsis. You can go anywhere on the internet and read reviews of the film. But there is only one place on the internet that you can go to read about what some drunken asshole thinks about Face/Off. And that's here at Pookon's Ill Blog. Congratulations friend. You've come to the right place.
In case you aren't familiar with this series (Drunken Live Tweet) let me bring you up to speed a little bit. I like to get hammered and watch movies that I've seen a hundred times and offer my commentary is bursts of 140 characters or less. It's a great way to spend a night when you're a drunk that doesn't have any friends and likes to pretend that he's hilarious. So I settle in with a bottle of rum, put on the flick and let the booze do the talking. If you've seen Face/Off even a few times you should be able to follow along with my insightful and random observations on this movie. If you haven't seen it or if it has been a while I suggest you pop in the movie right now and follow along with me as we take this journey into the depths of my mind. See what makes me tick. See what I find exciting and weird. And see just how many times I can swear and talk about sex. I promise you that it will be a whole lot. If that sort of thing is your bag then read on. If that sort of thing doesn't amuse you than we don't share the same sense of humor. Why are you even here if you don't understand me? Well, no one really understands me. Maybe someone else has been wearing my face for the last 10 years and making me seem to act weird. Maybe that's why I diverted from the sweet little catholic boy with the nice voice who liked frogs. It wasn't me the whole time man. Someone took my face...off!
I know I'm going to get drunk + revisit this flick for a #LiveTweet session. How could I not? I'm Castor Troy!! Woooooo!! #FaceOff
Nic Cage is rocking a stellar mustache in the beginning of this flick. That's how the viewer knows this is a flashback. #FaceOff
Travolta's kid gets shot in the fucking face while on the Merry-Go-Round. And people wonder why I don't ride those things. #FaceOff
Nic Cage grabs choir girl ass in '97 + gets away with it. If I tried that I'd go to jail. Everyone is so sensitive these days. #FaceOff
Pollux Troy can't tie his shoes. Cause he's an idiot. I mean that fucker did steal Raptor eggs out of the nest. #FaceOff
"Peach... I could eat a peach for hours." If I was Castor Troy it'd be more like "pizza. I could eat a pizza in 5 minutes." #fat #FaceOff
Francisco Scaramanga isn't the only man with the Golden Gun. Castor Troy did him one better by using 2. Your move Francisco. #FaceOff
Nic Cage asked Travolta if his daughter Jamie was ripe. He won't let it go. He really likes peaches. Wants to shake her tree. #FaceOff
You know John Woo is a great director when he can make the "Look Who's Talking" guy + "City of Angels" guy look like action stars. #FaceOff
If I could do a #FaceOff and switch faces with someone else, I'd do it with Usher. Although something tells me people wouldn't believe it.
Travolta has the top scientists and plastic surgeons and he chooses to switch with Nic Cage? Why not George Clooney? #FaceOff
George Clooney as you know, was People Magazine's Sexiest Man in 1997. And of all time depending on who you ask. #aLittleGay #FaceOff
Doctors transplanted Nic Cage's face onto Travolta. It's a good thing they were also able to transplant his need to always shout. #FaceOff
When the Mario Brothers wore those boots they were able to jump really high. Why can't the Erewhon prisoners do the same? #FaceOff
You watch your fucking mouth! Cause I'm CASTOR TROY!! WOOO! So good it'll make you cry. I love a good Nic Cage freak out. #FaceOff
If I didn't have a face the first thing I would do is scare the shit out of some kids. Then whine about it, then get a new one. #FaceOff
I'm not into mature women, but I've wanted to do Joan Allen since she got all naughty and colored in Pleasantville. #FaceOff
And speaking of doing, I'd do Travolta's daughter Jamie. It's ok though, cause in '97 she was 17 and I was 16. #FaceOff
I'd like to defuse a bomb someday. But that's impossible because I am the bomb. Kind of hard to defuse myself. #FaceOff
Tonight Travolta is going to do to Joan Allen what William H. Macy and Jeff Daniels could never do. #FaceOff
Exercise for these prisoners is walking around single file? In High School our gym teacher Sgt. Karps gave us basketballs. #FaceOff
Drew Carey's brother is a real bastard. He must have swallowed all that aggresion from Mimi + directed it at the prisoners. #FaceOff
Drew Carey's brother said cigarettes will kill you. Nope. Electric chairs kill you. Mr. Larson from Happy Gilmore will kill you. #FaceOff
I see an oil rig but I don't see Harry Stamper and crew. And I also see a remote prison and no John Mason. Movies are bullshit. #FaceOff
Movies make it seem so easy to escape from prison. But how do you escape prison rape? Because that info could come in handy. #FaceOff
When I broke out of prison I didn't get greeted with guns, hookers and drugs. Some people have all the luck. #FaceOff
I'd like to take his face off? Well I'd like to someday walk on the moon but we all know it isn't happening. Lower your standards. #FaceOff
If Hyde tried to rape my daughter I'd probably kick his ass. Then make him sit and listen to Eric Forman bitch and moan. #FaceOff
I wish I woke up from a bender to a girl taking off my pants and kissing me. I just wake up to a hungry cat meowing. #FaceOff
I see Gina Gershon and I think Showgirls. And titties. And Jessie Spano. And her caffeine pill "I'm So Excited" freakout. #FaceOff
I hope if I get ever get caught up in a slow motion shoot-out wearing headphones The Miracles "Love Machine" is playing. #FaceOff
Sometimes I wish I was in a John Woo movie because I could use some of that slow motion. Life moves way too god damn fast. #FaceOff
Jonah Hill and I could have our own kind of #FaceOff. Because we look alike. Or so they say. Until that fucker went all skinny and shit.
Pollux Troy deserved to die. No one steals Raptor eggs out of the nest and gets away with it. Nobody!!! #FaceOff
Nic Cage (as Travolta) just killed Big Ed of Big Ed's Tires. If you didn't like your job just quit. Don't go to the extreme. #FaceOff
Nic Cage and Samuel L. Jackson must have a clause built into their contracts where they have a minimum of 3 screams per movie. #FaceOff
I know this movie is called #FaceOff but I just took my clothes off. Hey man, it was getting a little too hot in here.
Due to popular demand I will now be putting my clothes back on. I'll tell you it's because I'm cold, but we all know the truth. #FaceOff
Not that anyone asked for it, but I will be #LiveTweeting the thrilling conclusion of #FaceOff tonight. I passed out before finishing.
Time to finish up #LiveTweeting #FaceOff. The epic finale is here. And now it's time for me to take my pants.......off!!
I once had a dream (some would call it a nightmare) where I found out I had a kid. Woke up feeling sad it wasn't true. WTF? #FaceOff
I think I would be a good dad. Even if I switched faces, ended up in prison and then showed up in his life amidst gun fire. #FaceOff
See, I would protect my kid from oncoming traffic and unlicensed day care, but I wouldn't know how to protect him from gunfire. #FaceOff
I went back in the movie a little bit, but I guess I had some daddy issues and regrets to work out. With guns of course. #FaceOff
It's me, Sean. Don't look at my face. Look at my penis. And listen to me recap the movie for those who weren't paying attention. #FaceOff
In bed Eve gives Sean a little prick to take a sample of his blood. Funny, I thought he was supposed to give her a little prick. #FaceOff
Good luck apologizing. This isn't like forgetting your anniversary or not taking out the trash. You let a killer into her house. #FaceOff
For a guy who was old and in charge of shit, Big Ed doesn't have a lot of people at his funeral. Must have been a real asshole. #FaceOff
I want two guns like I want two chicks at the same time. With two chicks if I fall asleep, they have each other to talk to. #FaceOff
Where does Castor Troy Travolta get off calling Michael a mistake? He wasn't planned. That doesn't mean they don't love him. #FaceOff
It's a Mexican Standoff when 2 or more opponents draw their guns creating a tense situation. Why Mexican? No tacos. No sombreros. #FaceOff
If I found a Genie I would use my 1st wish to be in a gunfight. And my 2nd wish to survive it. My 3rd wish? To get laid of course. #FaceOff
I'm call that move a UF for unnecessary flip. But you do those in action movies. Like James' UD (unnecessary dives) in softball. #FaceOff
I would stick a knife in Jamie's leg. And by knife I mean penis. And by leg I mean vagina. #FaceOff
Why have a car chase when you can have a boat chase? I haven't seen something this Over the Top since Stallone in '87. #FaceOff
So scientists can take Nic Cage and John Travolta's faces off, but they couldn't put them onto their stunt doubles? #FaceOff
A fist fight on the beach is a good way to work out your differences. Not by playing gay shirtless volleyball. #TopGun #FaceOff
A harpoon is a very deadly weapon. Trust me, as someone who gets confused for a whale at the beach, those things can kill. #FaceOff
If someone wanted my face I'd give it to them. It hasn't really worked out for me. Be my guest. Good luck picking up the ladies. #FaceOff
You know that scar near my heart? That bullet wound? I won't need it anymore. But Doc, how about getting a bigger penis? #FaceOff
Hey honey! I'm home! And I look like Travolta again. Oh this kid? Raise him as our own. I promised his dead parents we would. #FaceOff
Life isn't fair. I get to look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow man and Nic Cage + Travolta are bitching cause they switched faces. #FaceOff
The credits end and I'm still me. And my face isn't off. What was accomplished by watching this? Movies are bullshit. #FaceOff
The idea for watching this movie came around Thanksgiving Weekend of 2011. As subscribers of AT&T Cable we were treated to a preview of all the premium channels and instead of watching some brand new movie, I watched bits and pieces of Face/Off all weekend long at random times on Showtime or HBO or some shit. I sat alone in the living room watching and I could do was to repeatedly shout, "I'M CASTOR TROY!!! WOOOOO!!" over and over again until I pissed off my roommate, the dog and my cat. I'm sure Bombay has seen parts of it over the years but Gracie and AK had no idea who Castor Troy was, but I was on a mission to let them know - HE IS ME!! I'M CASTOR TROY!!! WOOOOOO!!! If you still don't get I encourage you to watch Face/Off right now. If you made it through this entire Live Tweet session and feel like you understand the movie (and I don't know how that can be because I can't even figure out what the hell is going on here and I said it!) then you should still go out and watch it. In fact call me up right now and I'll bring it over. We can grab a couple of peaches to eat for hours, switch faces and enjoy the shit out of this movie. You won'r regret it. I'll be sitting next to my phone anxiously awaiting your call. And if you don't call me I'm likely to have a signature Nicolas Cage freak out moment so you better just go ahead and call me... MAYBE!!
- pookon -
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