a surfer that rides exclusively on Conan O'Brien's hair waves, the only white person in the newest black ensemble comedy centered around a neighborhood establishment (The Wash, Barbershop, Beautyshop, etc.), eaten by Graboids like 3 Ninja's Grandpa in Tremors, such a bad actor that I lose the best actor Oscar at the Academy Awards 5 years in a row to Keanu Reeves, Vin Diesel, every rapper/actor (DMX, LL Cool J, Ice Cube) all of the Baldwin Brothers and my Nicholas Cage/John Kerry/Mr. ED/Tom Brokaw/Jimmy Stewart impression, an inspiration to someone else, able to rearrange my face like Mr. Potato Head, allowed to write, direct and star in my own movie and cast Natalie Portman as my love interest so that I could make out with her, the leader of McDonaldland like Mayor McCheese, able to leap giant buildings in a single bound, in an Octopuss's garden with you, wanted dead or alive, one of the Hungry Hungry Hippos, the first mate on a pirate ship, the next contestant on The Price is Right, the cure for sadness, one bad mutha...shut yo' mouth, Chris Farley's stunt double, an astronaut when I grow up, a Toys-R-Us kid, a ga-zillionaire so I can swim in my money like Uncle $crooge, a video so that I can kill the radio star, someone's guardian angel like Clarence and guide that person into earning me my wings, a rock star in an 80's cover band, in a world of pure imagination, left alone with my average wife but why do I always feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone, clever enough to come up with a zany catch phrase that everyone repeats, able to come up with some new things that I wanna be next month...
(to be continued)
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