Learning a lesson

You know, it's funny when you learn a lesson in life. Sometimes, something happens and you learn from it. It does indeed sound like a generalized comment, kind of like those old time sayings you've heard since you were younger, such as "a picture is worth a thousand words" or "a penny saved is a penny earned." We've all heard things like this, but I do not intend to bore you with generalized comments. But I just needed to mention that I learned something about myself tonight, and was pretty much on my worst behavior in front of my friends. We as people spend so much time developing this fake image of something that we are not because we are too afraid to let our true colors shine forth. Well, ladies and gentlemen, my true colors shone, and they were black as the day before God created light. You could never fully understand that a person like me, with so many talents and good fortunes in life, could have such a negative self image and attitude, so much that it causes oneself to break down and quit. There's not much worse in life then letting someone down or truly hurting someone's feelings. It's just like when you loose someone's trust. Over time, it can be regained, although not fully. People's eyes have been opened about who I really am, and I certainly believe that I have changed somebody's opinion. I know, you're telling to stop skirting round the issue by talking about it in psychological terms or something. So here's what happened...

As many of you might or might not know, I play a drinking game known as Beer Pong and am involved in a league at a friend's house. We play on a regular basis, and it is quite structured. Most of the people who play are friends and co-workers, which is why this incident, unlike what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, this my friends, will not. My partner and I faced some tough competition in the 2nd round of the playoffs, and I quit. I sat back, put my hands in my pockets and refrained from playing the game. I gave up and let myself down. Worst part though, is that I let my partner Chris down. Everyone else there (my friends and co-workers) saw a side of me that decides that life is not worth living and that there is no point to even trying. I feel bad for myself, because after all is said and done, and I have moved on with my life, and I never see any of these people again, I have to l;live with the fact that I am a loser. There is no nice way to put it because I don;t let myself try to come up with a solution to this problem. To make matters worse, I hurt the person that I care for the most, and no offense to anyone else reading this, but I once again hurt my sister Jenny. All she has ever done to me in life is idolize me and try and make me feel like I am a good enough person to be around. If anything, I at least owe her some freaking respect. There's way too many times when I regretfully let her down, and it is something that neither one of us should have to live with. If there's anything I could ever do to prove to her that I am indeed the person that she thinks and knows I am, I would do it just so that she could be right when she tells me that I am in fact a good person. In stories there's a hero and a villain, and in mine, I'm both. For every good thing I do, I counteract it with a bad thing, which is why I never come out as good or bad, I just come out as confusing. Something needs to be done to get me on the right track.

I'm sorry that you had to read this, I'm not one to bear my emotions and to let my feelings out, but this was something that I just couldn't keep to myself. Now you might know that I like to joke around and I'm not a very serious person, but I think that I can finally say that I need some help. If you can think of something that might be beneficial for me, please let me know. I'm cashing in all of my favor chips here because I need to get my life back on track. I remember the days when everything seemed so simple. To be there again would mean worlds to me. Well, that's it for me, toss me a line at pookon@hotmail.com or AOL IM me at pookondotcom if you have something to say. I promise I'll listen, cause that's what I need to do for now.

www.pookon.com