I had a conversation with who I think was my Guardian Angel. No, I wasn't drunk or fast asleep, I was awake and sober, and I was at work talking on the phone. At my job, I do nothing but talk to people all day from around the country. One day, Richard from Kene, NH called me up and talked to me for over an hour, and absolutely none of it had to do with his vacation reservation. He asked me about my life, my opinion on God, what career goals I had - it was all some real philosophical shit. I mostly listened to him babble on (he revealed that he had been drinking heavily, and it was only 12:30 pm Eastern time, which is why I know he had the potential to be my Guardian Angel) but I did get to stick a couple words in there. He asked a question that baffled me, and to be honest with you, I didn't really have an answer.
His question was: What is your dream?
My answer was: I don't know.
I at least kept it a bit ambiguous so that I didn't have to tell him that I didn't have one. Basically speaking, there is no reason for me to keep on living. There's no goal I'm working towards, there's nothing monumental that I want to accomplish before I die, and there's really no purpose in my life. He wouldn't allow me to get by with out revealing my dream. I don't know just wouldn't do it it for this man. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I really don't have one. For the sake of the conversation, I made one up.
It was this - my dream is become a professional Beer Pong player. I want my life to follow the same path as Coop and Reimer in the movie Baseketball and move from the basement/attic and into the stadiums and hearts of America. I want to become famous and get paid to do something that I love to do. Sure, my sport may end up killing me someday, but wouldn't it be sweet to go out in the championship game after hitting a kill shot? My body may expire, but my status as a legend will never die. That was the best that I could come up with.
When I got off the phone it got me thinking. I really don't have any long term goals or dreams. I wake up every day and do the same G-Damn thing. My life has become monotonous and scripted. That's what working a steady schedule will do to you I guess. But it shouldn't be like that. Whatever happened to my inner child (J.P. from Angels in the Outfield - yes my inner child is a African-American foster child) who used to always say, "hey, it could happen!" I used to believe that anything could happen, but then something did happen - I grew up and met reality. There still is a bit of flexibility, because if you work hard and don't take no for an answer, you really can accomplish almost anything. I've never been a hard worker, so I just kind of accept what's going on and deal with it. My mindset has never allowed me to dream or set long term goals, which is why I didn't have an answer then and I don't have an answer right now.
I guess it's rough that there is nothing that I am working towards, but I am too short term orientated to think beyond a few months. I personally love to just do whatever I want and make things up as I go along. If I plan my life out in advance and set goals, I will always be working towards achieving something and will not allow myself to get off track. I don't know if you've ever stumbled off of the path, but some of the most memorable things that I have have ever done and seen have come along by accident. I like to be able to chose and not have any extraneous factors influence my decision. I try to be free to do whatever I want, but even now I can't make a decision without considering the outcome. I'm in no way tied down right now, but if I decided to leave Milwaukee, I would be leaving behind nearly every member of my family (brothers, sister, mother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) and all of the friends that I have. I would even be leaving my greatest love - the Milwaukee Brewers. I would have to make a ton of sacrifices to get out of here and try something new, but at what expense? I guess it would be tough to do it, but I guess when the time comes and a situation presents itself, I will make my decision. I'm always open to suggestions, but what's the point in planning ahead if you can't even see 1 second into the future?
Currently, I need to plan my life out at least 1 month in advance and go from there. My jobs and activities dictate my life and plans. Beyond that, I don't even know if I will still be working at my current job. Hell, I don't even know if I'll still be alive! I guess it is good to have a dream and work towards goals, but I've never been a big fan of doing so and I don't see that ever changing. But then again, my whole outlook on life may have changed by tomorrow. That's what makes life so exciting - nothing is set in stone and it's entirely unpredictable. We can try to forecast the future, but seriously, what's the point?
- pookon -
http://www.pookon.com/
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