My Hunger Strike

So it has been 20 days since my Hunger Strike!, and I feel like it has been in vain because nothing has changed since then. I still eat garbage all the time, drink lots of beer, and eat at inappropriate times of the day. And to make it worse, I never sent the $96 check to my Mom so that it could go to charity. I brought one with me when I was at her house 3 Sunday's ago, but because I was drunk when I wrote it out, it wasn't in proper check format. (I had written the numbers 96 in numerical form instead of spelling them out like ninety six and 00/100 on the second line.) I promised to send another check, but since that day, I have not had enough money in my checking account to clear that check. So even though the money will reach the proper charity eventually, I had intended for it to be done in a more timely fashion so that I felt like I had accomplished something. If I were to have done it 20 days ago, both my body and my bank account would have taken a hit. Instead I'm just some useless loser who can't change himself or the world around him. God I wish that I didn't suck so much. For once in my life I took a chance and decided that I was going to make a change for the better, and all that I could do was stick to it for 96 hours. From the moment I ate something and ending the Hunger Strike, everything that I intended to accomplish ended right there with it. But alas, it still can be considered a success if I ever feel like a guilty piece of shit for not following through on my end of the deal and shape up hardcore. Since I keep suppressing my feelings and emotions (most often with the assistance of alcohol), I doubt that even the strongest guilty feelings will be able to creep up into my head and cause havoc. But who knows, maybe I'll see Jesus or something and have a Revelation and change my life. Christmas is coming up; I may just get a visit from the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future. As long as they don't look creepy like in the Muppet Christmas Carol (although that Giant was pretty sweet) I'll be ok with their visit. What's the worst that could happen? At least if I listen to the spirits, then Tiny Tim won't die. That's got to be a good thing, right?

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So when I look back at November 2008 in the only way that I can (through these blog postings and my website) I will see that I had a sudden change of heart and decided to listen to Jiminy Cricket (my conscience) for 4 days. I will see that it was the 1st time in my life that I decided to care about someone other than myself (poor and starving people) and to do something about it. I will then see that after those 4 days, I went back to being the selfish, robust, cold hearted bastard that I always have been. But I guess that at least for those 4 days (out of 366) I was a different person. That's something to be a little bit proud of, right? I don't really know. Screw it man. I am who I am and I guess there is no way to change it. So I'll just sit and bitch about it while all of my friends are out getting married and having kids, and I'll just be sad and alone. It makes me feel like a complete and total loser. But at least I don't live in my Mom's basement. But I live in the 2nd worst place - above a bar with 2 other dudes. They say it's never too late to turn things around, but it is when you've given up on life. I really don't know what else to say here, but this coming Sunday (November 30th) I plan on giving my Mom that check for charity. I also am seriously considering going back to church. Maybe Jesus can help me turn my life around. Cause if he can't, then no one really can. Have you found Jesus yet Gump? I didn't know I was supposed to be looking for him Lieutenant Dan. Well now I know. In fact, I've probably known since 1994 when I first watched that flick. But maybe someday I will go out looking for him. Who knows. But for now I'll continue to sit here and write about how depressing my life is, even though it really doesn't have to be that way. But life is what you make it, and you only get one chance to make it rock. And I'm running out of time to do it before I'm old and it's too late. Maybe one day I'll look back on all this nonsense and laugh over how stupid I was to believe that my life sucked balls. But maybe my life will suck more and I'll look back and realize just how sweet it really was. But there's only one way to find out - and that's to just keep living and see what tomorrow brings. So I'll do that. And maybe tomorrow I'll have something positive to say. See you at ze track.

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- pookon -

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email : pookondotcom@gmail.com