Great googly-moogly

And other things that don't make sense -

Why would the dish run away with the spoon? Seriously, did the dish really have nothing going for them that he/she had to vanish with the least deadliest of all utensils? Who ever heard of someone injured in a spoon incident? Talk about being badass....

What is a growing child like Little Miss Muffet eating some crap like curds and whey? Curds are some form of cheese, so that alone brings about high calorie and fat intake, and whey is protein, so I guess that offsets the curds somehow. But who ever goes on lunch break and says "Hey Larry, sorry I can't meet you at Ponderosa for lunch, the wife packed me some curds and whey..."

Wilbur the pig put way too much of his trust in that spider Charlotte. She could have easily written "who wants bacon?" in her web and the pig would have been Sunday morning brunch. That pig would have been the garnish on a McDonald's McMuffin...

The Count on Sesame Street was up to something. No one on the block thought that it was weird that a blood sucking pimp walked the streets mindlessly shouting random numbers would be of any harm to anyone. When the Count bites Telly and Grover on the neck and turns Snufelupegous into a vampire people will wonder what went wrong. Then I'll walk around and say "I told you so" and everyone will be like "I didn't see that coming" and the world will be doomed because everyone in the world is a freakin' idiot...

Pee-wee's playhouse was a messed up place to go to. Everything in the godforsaken house could talk, but none of them had a soul and they all were bound to spend all eternity in limbo. If in fact they were to all be annihilated, all of them would scream in unison, much as they always do, and clown around the house like dumbasses until they meet their timely demise...

"You got it, dude" and "You're in big trouble mister!" might have gotten them plenty of money as children, but it could never stop them from becoming weird drug addicts and scary rich adults...

Cody had it right. Every one's cousin from Wisconsin really did talk like a stoned out surfer and refer to themselves as the "Codeman" and say clever things like "Woah! A Canadian penny! Now I can buy bubble gum! That is, if I go to Canadia." If only he didn't get all weird and try to replace Jean-Claude Van Damme as the newest Kickboxer...

One character actors like Jaleel White and Dustin Diamond are screwed because for the rest of their lives, people will see them and yell "Hey Urkel!" or "Hey Screech!" and there is nothing that they can do about it...

It was a really scary place outside of Fraggle Rock. Once you exit the tunnel, a big muppet dog tried to chew on you, a crazy old Doc wanted to examine you, a trash heap tried to offer you advice on life, enormous Gorgs wanted to rip you apart and eat your insides for lunch, and heaven forbid you run into any of the silly creatures that Uncle Traveling Matt wrote home to Gobo about...

Wow - I gotta lay off the drink a little bit and stop writing things as soon as they creep up in there. Mybe I should stop talking for a while and just sit the next couple of plays out...

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I Wanna Be... (The May/June Edition)

in the driver's seat (literally and figuratively), posthumously honored by having a memorial freeway named after me, a roadie for the Electric Mayhem, a real boy, Evel Knievel's stunt double, an inmate at Alcatraz, back in the U.S.S.R., the Jack of Diamonds, a constellation in the sky, bulimic so that I can read minds (see the movie Zoolander), good at gambling so that I don't lose lots of money in Las Vegas, a painter for the Golden Gate Bridge, like Scooter and have no eyes underneath my glasses, a world-class chef and have my own chain of 5-star themed restaurants, metal on the inside like the Terminator, a deep sea diver searching for buried treasure, stackable like Tetris pieces, Chewbacca, able to trust the Midas touch, Canadian money so that I have no real value in the world outside of Canada, on the log ride at Great America right now, Danny Tanner's co-host on 'Wake Up San Francisco', a successful comedian so that I can use material from my stand-up act as a basis for an ABC primetime sitcom, water soluble, the owner/operator of a neighborhood lemonade stand, the sole survivor and win $1 million dollars, a better inventor than Ben Franklin, one of those weirdos at Venice Beach, cool enough to have Daniel Stern be the voice of my inner monoluge throughout my wonder years, smarter than the average bear, the mayor of Bald Knob, Arkansas, the voice of the Bop-It! game (twist it! pull it! BOP IT!), a member of the News or the Heartbreakers or the Miracles or the Wailers or the Blowfish or the Blue Notes or the Family Band or the Revolution, Sugar Bear and save someone's life tonight, ready to rumble, uncredited in a major motion picture, the king of the world, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, rockin' down the highway, a street vendor in Tijuana, bananas b-a-n-a-n-a-s, Airbud's owner in Air Bud: We Ran Out of Clever Sports References so the Dog Will Just Run Around and be Cute for 80 Minutes, Peter Griffin for Halloween so that my friends can dress up as the rest of the Griffin Family, Donald Trump for the sole purpose of saying the "You're Fired" line without sounding like an imitator, fluent in HTML, C++, Visual Basic, Unix and Navajo, the face on the $7 Bill, married to the Girl sitting on the moon on the Miler High Life logo, Commander to Michael Jackson's Captain EO in the 3D movie/attraction of the same name, coo coo cookoo for Coco Puffs, representin' for my homies no matter where I go, the person who finds out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop, able to come up with more random things that I wanna to be...

(to be continued)

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