The Write Month: June 16 - The Koala Punch

It's been a very long weekend and I'm exhausted from all the work it took to set up, rage and clean up from the 37th Reck Family Christmas Party. Thanks to everyone who came out and I'm sorry if I didn't get a chance to sit down and talk to all of you. I hope you ate some good food, were not too stumped by the trivia and that you were able to suck down the sweet goodness of a juice box or two. I'm off to meet my Pops for dinner to celebrate Father's Day so I don't have a whole lot of time to write today, so here is my entry for June 16th. Enjoy.

Genius. This is without a doubt one of my favorite commercials that I have ever seen. But it did not do its' job because I didn't remember what it was for until watching it again and I never have, nor will I ever go to CareerBuilder.com. So why is it amazing? Because it features a Koala getting punched in the face. This commercial first played at the Super Bowl in 2010 and it still makes me laugh. You can fault it for not achieving the goal of advertising for CareerBuilder.com but you have to admit that it is hilarious. Or am I way off? I wonder how many of you have the same sense of humor that I do. Watch the video and then see if you can get on board with what I'm talking about.

Now before you call the feds or PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) or my mother, let me assure you that I don't condone violence. Yeah, I assure you. But I do condone hilarity. And it is beyond funny that a koala is wearing glasses and speaking with an accent. And even better, that furry little marsupial gets punched right in the face. Who hasn't wanted to punch an animal in the face? This is not violence because it's just like a cartoon. Cartoons aren't real. I have a real animal living at my house and I would never ever punch my cat Korben Dallas in the face. But if he ever put on a pair of glasses and started speaking with an accent I might consider it. But I would not be able to punch him because he would probably pull a gun on me and ask if anyone else wanted to negotiate. That's what Korben Dallas does. If I ever came so close as to raise my hand to him, I could see my cat saying, "You wanna play it soft? We'll play it soft. You wanna play it hard? Let's play it hard." And then he kicks the shit out of me. You don't mess with Korben Dallas. He only speaks two languages - English and Bad English. But only if he is wearing glasses.

 - pookon -

www.pookon.com

"7 in 7" - Episode 4 - Money Isn't Real George - Wisconsin Humane Society

The Wisconsin Humane Society is an organization that is incredibly dear to my heart because a little over 6 years ago I adopted my BFF (best friend forever) and cat Coach Gordon Bombay. Him and I have been through a whole lot and I love him with all of my heart. I was never much into animals growing up even though at two separate times during my childhood we had a dog named Lassie. And then we also had a cat named Gizmo, but I wasn't necessarily close to either of them. But something made me go out and adopt Gordon and in February of 2006 Jenny Reck came along with me and I took him home and our adventure began. We've been through a lot of shit together and he's moved around to no fewer than 6 apartments/homes over the years because I couldn't stay in one place for too long. And during this time, aside from the stomach-induced "I'm hungry" meow, he hasn't really complained about the change of scenery and lack of continuity. Truth be told I have constantly provided him with food, water and toilet as well as a comfy place to nap for 18 hours a day. And he's been the one who has been by my side (or on my chest as I lie sleeping) through it all. I love Coach Gordon Bombay more than anyone in the entire world. No offense Mom.

At the Humane Society they told me that Coach Bombay was from the streets and that someone had brought him in as a stray. They named him Greg, which is a rather unusual name for a cat. There's nothing unusual about naming him after a fictional Pee-Wee Hockey Coach from District 5 and Team USA though, right? I can't imagine him surviving in the cold dark alleys of Milwaukee on his own but apparently he did because he has the battlescars to prove it. He's missing one of his fang teeth and his tail is a little crinkled, but aside from that he is not in too bad of shape. Of course he's a little undersized and refuses to gain weight despite eating and napping all day long and the vet told me that he has a heart murmur, but aside from that he doesn't seem to be in any physical or emotional trouble. All that I know is that he is better off in my care than he is on the streets or locked up in a cage somewhere. That is why it is so important for people to assist the Wisconsin Humane Society through donations and participating in their adoption program because there are countless animals out there in need of a good home. And if we don't help the little guys, then who will?

I'm just one guy who did one small thing, but that doesn't compare to what the Wisconsin Humane Society has been doing for over 130 years. As a private non-profit organization funded entirely through the generosity of the individuals in the community and through the government, they rely on you to help them in their mission. They aim to provide a comprehensive adoption program that matches homeless animals with families, to provide medical care for animals as well as spay and neutering animals to prevent overpopulation, to provide educational programs for people on the care, respect, treatment and over-all well being of their pets and they also teach obedience classes for the animals themselves which allow them to live in a domestic environment. A pet can be a fantastic companion but without the organization to support and provide people with the opportunity to own one they would never know what it feels like to have one. I can't really do any better at describing how important the Wisconsin Humane Society is to our community than they do at their website http://www.wihumane.org/default.aspx, so I encourage you to go there for more information. And if you are thinking about getting a pet I strongly encourage you to do so from the Humane Society because there are plenty of animals of all shapes, sizes and ages that just want a nice home to live in and someone to love them.

I love Coach Gordon Bombay and he is the sweetest pet in the entire world. Every single day he does something cute like this and when he isn't curled up in a ball sleeping somewhere he's sitting on the kitchen table eating some plastic, headbutting my leg or meowing up into the corner trying to ward off some ghostly spirits before he tears around the house in a panic. And at night he cries at my feet while I am on here typing, begging for me to go to bed so that he can lay on top of me. Whenever I sit on the couch he has to sit on my lap or my leg and almost always has to be around me. It's funny the connection that we have and although I do joke about it that he is my best friend forever it is kind of true. I spend more time hanging out with him than I do with any other creature on this planet. What makes it funny is that aside from the occasional meow or the rumbling purr, it's pretty much a one-sided conversation as I am telling him about my day or pouring out my emotions. For the most part he's a pretty good listener, even if he pretends to be asleep during the majority of our conversation. Sometimes he walks away but I figure that is his way of ending the discussion. If only the Humane Society taught him how to use his words then I wouldn't have to play Jay to his Silent Bob and constantly be a foul-mouthed little chucklehead that has to a constant victim to his follies while I try to understand what he is trying to get at. It's always an adventure with Coach Gordon Bombay and he has taught me so much.

I don't know where I would be without Coach Gordon Bombay and I can't imagine living without him. I remember once when I was looking for apartments with a prospective roommate a few years ago and we were forced to limit ourselves because not all rental units accepted cats. This person (who I will not name) suggested the possibility that I get rid of him so that it would have been easier to find a place to live. It's one of those things that I couldn't believe was said and he was obviously not a pet owner. You can't just give away a pet after you have made the commitment and the emotional bond to it. A pet isn't some toy that you play with a few times and then cast aside for the next thing that piques your interest. A pet is a part of your family and not something that you can easily be without. That's one of the reasons why I kiss Gordon goodbye every single morning when I leave for work and give him a big ol' hug before I go out of town every day. I love him so much and I can't stand to be apart from him for too long. The week at Afterglow is so hard because I miss him so much and I wish that I could bring him along. But like I said before, not all places are accepting of cats so I all I can do is make sure that he is well taken care of in my absence. Which is why I leave him under the care of only my most trusted friends. Coach Bombay is too important to me to leave him in the care of someone I don't trust.

And speaking of trust, from my experiences and knowledge gained from research and personal interaction, there's no organization that I trust more than the Wisconsin Humane Society when it comes to taking care of animals. What they do in our community is nothing short of amazing and I encourage you to contribute to their efforts if you love animals or if you have benefited from their work. After all, it is up to us as the dominant species on this planet to help those that are less fortunate than us. Some animals prefer to be left alone in their natural habitats, but domesticated animals like cats and dogs just want to be loved and cared for. Now if you excuse me, I know a certain little Coach that it is dire need of a hug and a snuggle.

http://www.wihumane.org/default.aspx

 - pookon -

www.pookon.com
email: pookondotcom@gmail.com
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"7 in 7" - Episode 3 - Now I Know What's It's Like to be You - Day 18

I haven't been writing on here lately and I'm betting some of you have been checking back here looking for my next episode of "7 in 7." The reason that there isn't a new one is because I'm still working on the last one. As you can see by the headline I have been a vegetarian for the past 18 days and aside from a couple of tough times it has been relatively easy to not eat meat. Just look at the cuddly animals and try to take a bite out of them. You can't because they are just so darn cute. I don't like my food to have a face nor do I want it to cry as I am chewing it. Sure, lettuce and potatoes are technically alive but as far as we know it they don't have a personality and look you in the eye and snuggle up next to you. Which makes me wonder something. I get the don't eat cows, pigs, sheep and chickens in the graphic but what kind of sick bastards are eating dogs, cats and parrots? I think foreigners eat dogs and cats but I've never heard of anyone chewing on parrot wings. Must be some kind of delicacy that I'm not aware of. After spending the last 7 years of my life in the company of Coach Gordon Bombay I couldn't imagine putting him in my mouth and washing it down with a cold beer. That just sounds wrong. And even though I'm not a dog person there's no denying that they have a personality and a spirit as well as an awareness of their world. It wouldn't be right to serve that up on a toasty bun, even if they had to go the Old Yeller route. They belong in the ground, not in your tummy. I don't get it, but I did find it funny in a way. And I also knew that I could say something about it. Because that's the point of Episode 1, right? To encourage myself to write more. I'm trying here.

Day 18 of being a vegetarian hasn't changed me one bit because I have gotten behind on my Episode 2 goal of looking like Jonah Hill. I haven't been working out as much as I had hoped and I'm in no better shape than I was a few weeks ago. I guess I'm eating healthier because I'm eating a lot more vegetables and not eating fast food because there aren't a lot of meat-less options. I bet if I met all 3 of my goals so far (writing, look like Jonah Hill and being vegetarian) I could land a chick like Australian model Sheridyn Fisher because I would be funny, fit fine and friend to animals. I think I'm going to email her and ask her out on a date the next time that she makes it to Milwaukee. Hey, it could happen! I'm a quasi-celebrity because of the beer pong documentary and the Brewers Sombrero thing so I should be able to land another celebrity. And an Australian too. The only thing that revs my engine like a girl who plays music and sings is a girl with an accent. I think I'm on to something here. Keep changing my life and somehow, someway, some beautiful girl will wander into my life and erase the loser tag that I've been carrying around for the last 30 years. Dreaming the impossible is definitely a reason to keep on going with my "7 in 7" challenges because apparently no one likes me for who I am now so I must become someone else. I guess I will still try to keep a couple pieces of the old me because I value my sense of humor and my dedication to the local sports teams but everything else can go. So if you are a single girl and reading this give me a holler and tell me what to change. I'm willing to be whatever it is that you like because the old shit wasn't working for you. And if you are a dude and are asking the same thing I'm sorry but I have to tell you for the last time, no matter what everyone is saying, I don't like dudes. Get that idea out of your head already. And whoever keeps spreading that rumor please stop already. You're never going to get anywhere making up lies. Trust me. I'm the lie master! If you asked everyone at work what my parents do for a living they would tell you that my Mom is a Ninja and my Dad is an Astronaut. Is that true? Hell no. Not everything you hear is correct. So stop playing telephone with the accusations and set me up with your hot sister/girl cousin/girl best friend already so we can all move on.

OK, I'll face reality head-on and come to the conclusion that I'll never land a chick like Sheridyn Fisher but don't you dare tell me that I will never land Natalie Portman. Yes, I understand that she is married to some dude not named Scott Reck and she has a baby with said dude. Oh and also don't point out that she is rich, famous, beautiful and an Academy Award winner that would never mingle in the same circles as me. But we are both vegetarians and we both love Star Wars. She might not like Episodes 1-3 (but that's OK because a lot of people despise them) but she can't deny the fact that she made some good money off of those movies and also introduced herself to a new generation of fans and furthered her movie career. She certainly garnered my attention although I fell in love with her on Mars Attacks! and Where the Heart is and then became absolutely smitten with her in Garden State. And the fact that she is a vegetarian just gives her a couple of more points in my book. Now I'm not going to be a veg-head forever, but I like to see it when someone does something for a reason. She's doing it for animal rights and apparently has been a vegetarian since childhood and I'm doing it to know what it's like, although if I ever meet Natalie I'd tell her that I was doing it for her because she is so inspiring. Or some crap like that. I have to be smooth like that if I'm gonna charm her pants off. But I wouldn't have to. She'd get one look at me and leave her husband. She can bring along her baby though. Although I'm not a fan of little humans I'd be willing to make an exception for her. I'd do anything for Natalie.

Eating vegetarian isn't hard as long as you are at home and can control what is going into your food. It has been easy for the most part because I eat most of my meals at home. I don't go out to eat much because I am single, sad, pathetic and weird. But a few times it has become an issue and I'd like to share that with you. My friend Aaron had a birthday last week and his family always goes out to Fuddruckers for dinner to celebrate. I don't know if you've ever been there but they have some of the best burgers ever. But since I don't eat meat I tried one of their Veggie Burgers, which was the first time that I ever had one. It wasn't bad and it kind of tasted like nothing, although I could have been masking the taste with all of the pickles, onions, tomatoes, ketchup and mayonnaise that I piled on there. Hard to taste anything when it is smothered with all of those condom-thingies. My first reaction was that it tasted like a garden but that could have been me just being an asshole about it. And speaking of being an asshole, when I ordered the cashier asked if I wanted bacon or cheese on my veggie burger. Um... hello! Don't people order these things because they don't eat meat or dairy products because they are vegetarian or vegan? I know you're a fresh-faced teen still living with his parents and working his first job but at least think a little pal. I was a little bit offended and even took to Twitter to voice my disgust:

Scott Iceman Reck ‏ @pookondotcom

I ordered a Veggie Burger at Fuddruckers. The guy asked me if I wanted bacon on it. Doesn't that defeat the point? #vegetarian

So that was cool I guess. A week ago I went out for trivia at BBC's and it was wing night but I obviously could not get the wings. That really sucked and I ended up eating some Mac N' Cheese but I had to ask them not to put bacon in it like they usually do. Sure bacon is amazing, but wouldn't someone order that because they don't eat meat? It was one of the only meatless options on the menu (supposedly) and it had bacon. It's a tough world for a veggie. Then this past Thursday I went to Subway for a sandwich and ended up getting a one with all veggies. Now I understand that a sammy is a sammy but I left feeling empty. I had cheese, lettuce, onion, tomato, green peppers, cucumber and mayo but I could taste the absence of meat. I wanted some kind of animal product on my bread but I'm not doing that now. Not eating meat is tough because it is so good. I miss it and now that I'm in over 2 weeks I can honestly say that it is a struggle. 

The first week was easy and I breezed through it with no problem. I know that I'm all over the map here as far as linear time goes, but last Saturday night I went to the Admirals hockey game with my cousins and got nice and drunk. I slept over at Jenny Reck's house and when I finally left Sunday around lunch time I was craving something greasy to get me through my hangover. A gyro from Oakland Gyros would have fit the bill just right. I could even smell it from outside her house but I drove home without any of that Greek goodness in my tummy. The last challenge I had these past 18 days was when I was at the grocery store the other day trying to find some food to eat. I wanted some soup real bad and had to read all of the ingredients on the can because most soups include chicken broth or chicken stock. I had to instead limit myself to those that were tomato based soups and settled on veggie soup. It's not all bad, but I was really in the mood for some kind of noodle soup.

So I'm 18 days in and not too much is different. I'm still pining over impossible women, constantly poking fun at myself and defending my sexuality and trying to infuse everything I say with humor. If you made it this far congratulations. I will be starting a new challenge on Wednesday March 14 so make sure you check back for that one. I can't really promise anything else besides that because I don't really know what I want to do. Well, besides Natalie Portman. Hey-o! You thought that I would leave on a classy high note. You obviously have no idea where you are. Seek medical help, take a nap and then come on back so I can screw you up all over again. At least you will be in good company. I'm as screwed up as they get. But I know that you wouldn't have it any other way. You're a repeat offender on Pookon's Ill Blog so I know that something is working. When I figure it out I'll be sure to let you know. Or I won't. Whatever man. I'm over it. Derrick Turnbow once threw a fastball so fast it went back in time and struck out Babe Ruth. Look it up.

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 - pookon -
d
www.pookon.com
email: pookondotcom@gmail.com
http://www.facebook.com/MilwaukeeIceman

It's as easy as shooting fish in a barrel...

...which is really not that easy if you think about it. Why do they say that then? I haven't been fishing in a few years, but I used to go back with my grandparents when I was younger. If I recall, fish are very slippery and when you take them off the hook and try to put them somewhere, they flip around violently and try to break free. And throwing a slippery moving object? There's no way in hell that that is easy, and trust me, I know. I've made a living out of throwing wet objects (ping pong balls) into barrels (plastic cups) so you can consider me an expert on the subject.

I assume that they are talking about live fish being thrown into the barrel, or else the quote would be "it's as easy as throwing dead fish in a barrel!" I haven't handled a whole lot of dead fish in my day, but I'd have to imagine that a cold dead lifeless fish would be easier to grab a hold of than a live one. One of these days, I'll become a real journalist, question professionals and do some on the scene investigation, which would allow for factual reporting instead of assumptions. But then of course, I would have to actually try, meet deadlines, and be professional. And I don't think that professionals are allowed to write stories about shooting fish in a barrel complete with a sweet twisted picture that makes sense and doesn't make sense at the same time. That having been said, I don't see myself ever becoming a professional journalist. This shit that I do here is just way too much fun.

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So this just goes to show you that some things don't make sense when you sit down, break it apart, and ponder over the meaning of the statement. We throw these sayings into the conversation without any thought or warning of the ramifications of their use. When someone says "it's as easy as shooting fish in a barrel" you need to figure out that the person who said it is in fact lying to you, because this sort of thing is not easy. Someone who lies is not a trustworthy person, and if that person is your friend, then it also causes you to reexamine your relationship with that person. You think back to all of the moments you have shared, and it makes you doubt some of the things they told you in confidence. Did their parents really leave them stranded at Wal-Mart when they were 6 years old (which lead them to believe they were neglected as children) or did they just make that story up to gain sympathy? You no longer are able to trust to your friend, and it was all because they used a common phrase without thinking.

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There are plenty of other phrases that people use with reckless abandon, and I don't want to take up too much of your time, but use caution when uttering these phrases :

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"killing 2 birds with 1 stone" - the person who said this is a homicidal and sadistic murder who takes pleasure in killing defenseless animals with blunt objects.

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"a penny saved is a penny earned" - don't expect this person to pay for drinks or leave a tip. This person will use you for your money and and will put a drain on your wallet.

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"there's no sense in crying over spilled milk" - why the hell not? If someone loves milk, and spilled it, I can see crying about it. If I dropped a case of beer or a bottle of rum and it broke, I'd be balling my eyes out. You can't tell me when to or when not to cry. I can cry if I want to dammit. Then I'd dry my tears, lie face down on the ground, and slurp up every last drop of alcohol. I paid for that shit, and I'll be damned if plants and ants get drunk at my expense.

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"the devil is in the details" - no, the devil is in hell. People that don't know that are idiots.

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"let the cat out of the bag" - seriously, who keeps cats in bags? PETA should get at these people for animal cruelty. Cats should be on farms or chilling on window sills.

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"curiosity killed the cat" - no, it was keeping the cat in the bag with no food, water, or air that killed the cat.

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And my favorite, "it's always in the last place that you look" - of course it is, why would you keep looking for something once you've already found it?

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Avoid using these phrases and the countless others that sound just like them, and you will avoid sounding like a jackass. If each person who reads this does that, then we will have less morons in this world. But since I'm going to keep shooting fishes in barrels and taking everything except the kitchen sink (f*ck the kitchen sink), this world is screwed. I know that you'll keep doing it too, so all hope for mankind is lost for all time. But when it rains it pours, we will put all of our eggs in one basket, beat a dead horse, burn the midnight oil, burn bridges, burn the candle at both ends, take a shot in the dark, and judge books by their covers. We're all gonna die. God help us.

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- pookon -

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http://www.pookon.com/

email : pookondotcom@gmail.com

I wanna punch a Kangaroo

I want to punch a Kangaroo. Before you get mad, I just want to tell you that I have nothing against animals (in fact, I really like them because they taste good). And I know someone with a conscience from PETA is gonna get all over my ass for this comment, but if God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them taste so good. I just want to punch a kangaroo because I heard somewhere (or maybe just saw it on Looney Tunes) that kangaroos punch back. I think that it would be pretty crazy to get into a brawl with one of these marsupials. It would be even crazier to get us both drunk and then we can duke it out like drunken buffoons. I can't say who would win, because I've never A - been in a real fight and B - been in a real fight with a kangaroo. Get me drunk enough and I'm sure that I'd be a loose cannon. I'd show that beast who's boss.

I want to suplex a Bear. A suplex is an offensive move used in wrestling. The move consists of one wrestler picking up his or her opponent off the ground (or mat) and then using a large portion of his or her own body weight to drive the opponent down on the mat. Nearly all suplexes have the attacker going down to the mat with the opponent landing on his or her back. That definition is from the Wikipedia, but if you've ever watched WWE/WWF wrestling, then you've seen this move performed. I just think that it would be rad to do this to a bear, although you run the risk of having your head gnawed off because you have to be in close proximity of the bear, grab it, then lift it over your head and drop them to the ground. I'd show that beast who's boss.

I want to Karate Chop a Dolphin. They always have that smug look on their face, like they are smarter than me. They splash around in the water with the mischievous grin, like they are just waiting to take over the world once the polar ice caps melt and global warming dooms mankind. I'd bring it up on land so that I have the advantage than I'd go Chuck Norris on his ass and Karate Chop it and follow that up with a roundhouse kick to the face. People say that Dolphins are smart, but I say that they are smart asses. I'd Karate Chop that grin right off its face. I'd show that beast who's boss.

I want to push a Cougar down the stairs. They look like big cats, but don't be swayed by their cutesy looks or their playful demeanor - these felines want to eat your face off. They simply can't be trusted, which is why no one in their right mind keeps them in captivity. Zoos do, but then again zoo workers are thrill seekers who cheat death every day to get a rise out of it by being around these creatures. If a cougar ever confronted me in a suburban home in middle America, Id lure it up to the second floor, point behind it an dexclaim "what's that?", then when it looks, push it down the stairs. I'd show that beast who's boss.

I want to point and laugh at a Platypus. What a loser. I'd gather some school kids, point and laugh, call him God's mistake, and scar him for life. What are you man? Are you a duck? Are you a beaver? It's like God was playing around with DNA and dropped it into a bucket, let it sit for awhile, and then pulled a platypus out like it was a white rabbit at a magic show. That shit just came out of nowhere. I would then put some pants on the platypus, then pull its pants down around its ankles and laugh some more. It would turn beat red then hide its ugly mug from the world. I'd show that beast who's boss.

Before you get all uppity and try and contact the proper authorites to have me arrested for inhuman acts towards animals, take a second to consider the fact that I am all talk and no game. Plus you have no proof. I'm too much of a pansy to get into it with a kangaroo, bear, cougar or platypus. I'm terrifed of those beasts. There's a reason that they put glass walls or moats as barriers between animals and humans at the zoo. It's because animals eat humans! Sure, we eat them back, but only after they are cooked and marinated over open flames. I'm sure glad that animals don't know how to read, or else they'd all come after me after they came across this blog entry. Maybe I should think twice about posting it - there are a shitload of animals out there. If they read this, there will be a shitload of pissed off animals out there. And when animals get mad, animals attack! Screw it, I'm taking my chances by posting this! Screw you animals!

- pookon -

http://www.pookon.com/
email : pookondotcom@gmail.com