Welcome to Pookon's Ill Blog - home of my inner thoughts, creative outbursts and random thoughts. This site contains such original classics as "It's in My Head", "Pickle the Day" and a multitude of other reoccurring features. I'm often a little too raw, truthful and honest at times so proceed with caution.
Today is March 17, 2018. This episode is from my attempt at another solo podcast called "Walk of Life" that never really took off and is actually from May 5, 2016. That's almost two years ago if you are keeping score at home. But why I am posting this just now? That's because on the primary entity of the Pookon Inc. Empire (www.pookon.com), I just finished posting the pictures and captions for Iceman Celebration Day 2016. Yes, I understand that none of this is relevant anymore because I have changed so much due to the unstoppable passing of time. But even though I am different person now, this episode encapsulates who I was at the time and what I was thinking and feeling on Cinco de Mayo 2016 as I stood atop of the Skylon Tower overlooking Niagara Falls as I was about to enter my 35th year of life. So click below to time jump back into the past and see what life was like at that glorious moment in time.
A more in depth retelling of this tale can be found on at http://www.pookon.com/icd/icd2.html, but let me tell you right here that I had an amazing experience. I love being up high on my tower. From an elevated vantage point, I like to be able to see the World around me. That unique perspective is something that you just cannot get on the ground. It helps you to understand how truly small you are and how big the World is. At 775 feet above Niagara Falls, they say that you can see both the Toronto and Buffalo skylines on a good day. Since I was up there at dusk/night, I concentrated my seeing power on the falls herself. While walking around the observation deck, I talked about the different towers that I have been on (from Rockefeller Center in New York City and the Stratosphere in Las Vegas and someday I hope to do the same thing in Seattle from the Space Needle and Toronto from the CN Tower) and how much I loved being up here. As I walked around this relatively small round space up here (as you can see from the picture on the right), I got a little too deep and introspective on what life means and what we mean to the life around us. Happens. It was Cinco de Mayo and I was drinking backpack booze. None of this makes sense. But why should it?
When you are up on top of the World (or as far as someone like me can go on a restricted budget), you get to marvel at the surroundings. That's when you realize that for some people the sky's the limit and for others the limit is the sky. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but for May 5th and 6th I was willing to live outside of my means and celebrate like there was no tomorrow. I hope to live a long and fruitful life, but one of these days today will be my last. And I hope that when that day does come, my final day on this planet will be something spectacular. I understand that not every day can be the greatest day ever. But if I try hard enough and rage until the wheels fall off, there's a chance that it won't have to be.
When I started this podcast a week ago I knew that today was going to be a day to record another episode. I was kind of looking forward to it and not at the same time. I knew that on Monday April 25, I would be a mess of emotions and there was no telling how this would benefit or detriment an audio recording. Even though the results are mixed, it is still important that I captured my feelings at this time because today was 5 years to the day that my younger brother Timmy passed away at the age of 24. It's been a very long 5 years, but at the same time I feel like it was just yesterday because the wounds and emotions feel so fresh. I feel like if I keep typing then I will just be rehashing everything I say in this episode, so click below to listen to find out what I was feeling on that day:
Timmy was the best friend I could ever have and it hurts me so much to know that I have to spend the rest of my life without him. I think about him every single day because that is one more day since he was (physically) in my life. I hate to have negative thoughts and let them hamper me from enjoying my life, but I can't help but think about how much life would be so much better if he was still here. I'm thankful for every opportunity that I have gotten in the past 5 years and I certainly have enjoyed every single adventure that I have been on. But I will always play the "what if" card no matter how many times I tell myself not to. That's how important he was to me and how much of an influence that he had on my life and on me as a person. Life is hard. It throws a lot of things at you that you really are never ready for. But you just gotta keep on going dealing with them and moving forward. You gotta keep on walking. On that's what this podcast is really all about. Today was hard. But tomorrow things may get better. Who knows what will happen in a few weeks? But I know that I will be here to to provide yet another snapshot on my life during this walk of life.
Welcome to another foray into podcasting. While "Burnin' Down the Podcast" from The Daily Burner is on hiatus, I figure it's time to get my spoken thoughts out there again. My last solo podcast "The Drive to Stay Alive" went for about 25 episodes from October 2012 to March of 2014. And while I certainly will go back to that Podcast in the future, I decided that the "Walk of Life" could be kind of an offshoot of that (which was recorded in my car during my morning and evening commute to work) but tailored to my current situation. I now live about 5 minutes away from work, so recording during my commute wouldn't give me enough time to talk. But I do take a half hour walk during my lunch break, which gives me more than enough time to snapshot a moment in my life. While each "The Drive to Stay Alive" episode was around 50 minutes long, I'm going to try to keep these around 10-20 minutes. Just long enough to get my point across and get my thoughts out there. Episode 1 is 15 minutes long and basically gives an introduction as to what I'm trying to do here. Check it out by clicking below:
So that's basically it. I'm not premeditating these episodes or writing down future topics for discussion. I'm just going to hit record when I have an idea and see what happens. That means each walk/episode should be fresh and spontaneous (not to mention topical). I'm excited to see what happens, but more than that I am eager to talk out my feelings and ideas and get them on the record. I don't know where this idea will take me or how long it will last, but the important thing is that I'm still trying. And still walking. And I'll keep on doing that until I'm no longer able to.
I've been doing this podcast since October of 2012. Wow. I can't believe that it has been that long. Most podcasts are done weekly or monthly or have some kind of a schedule so the listeners know when to expect a new episode. Since I don't have any listeners, I pretty much do it whenever I have something to say. What is the point of talking if you aren't saying anything? I haven't had much to say lately. In fact, this episode was recorded in March when I was driving from Las Vegas, Nevada to Phoenix, Arizona in mid-March but I'm not posting it until late August. So I haven't had anything relevant to say for the past 5 months. But I did want to post this episode because the drive to Las Vegas on Sunday March 16 and the drive back to Phoenix on Tuesday March 18 was exactly what I needed at that point in my life. There's not a whole lot more I love to do than to go for a nice long drive. When I'm out there I'm free from the World and free from my problems. It's just me and the road. When I'm alone with my thoughts I can either go to a really dark place or I can get all deep and introspective about my life. Very rarely do I think positively or or have happy thoughts. That's why I try to always do something to distract myself from thinking too much. I surround myself with various forms of entertainment to keep my mind from wandering. But I can't ignore it forever. Those thoughts are there waiting for me and they will never go away unless I address them head on and start dealing with my issues. I'm no different than anyone else. People have problems. They just have a better way of dealing with them. I've tried a couple of things but this podcast helps in a way because it allows me to talk things out loud and be held accountable for things I say or promises that I make. No one listens to this nonsense, but there is always the possibility that someone might. And that possibility it what keeps me driving on. I'd like to think that someone out there truly cares about me and what I have to say. They say everything has an audience somewhere. You just have to keep putting yourself and your work out there until that audience finds you. But until that happens I'll just keep doing this for me. So here you go Scott. Here's a reminder that life isn't all bad. There are great things that happen and for at least at one particular moment in time, everything was perfect. Remember that the next time life gets you down.
Right now in this moment in time everything is perfect. I want to remember that for the times when when I need it
— Scott Iceman Reck (@pookondotcom) March 19, 2014
This is a picture of that moment in time. It probably doesn't look like much, but the picture doesn't really tell the whole story. It was the open road, the setting sun, being by myself in a strange and beautiful environment, having nothing better to do and all the time to do it in. Well, within reason I guess. I did have to be back in Phoenix by 10pm for my 11:30pm flight back home. So I couldn't take all the time in the World but it was damn near close. For the most part I knew where I was going. Here's the road - take it to get where you were going. But since I have never traveled on this path, I knew that anything could happen down the road ahead. It was my sense of adventure that kept me going. I guess that's what keeps me living. There's always another adventure waiting for me down the road and I won't be able to experience it if I don't keep driving. I still haven't figured it all out yet and I doubt that I ever will. Maybe we aren't supposed to understand life or know how we factor into the history of the World. Maybe we aren't meant to ever figure out our purpose or the meaning of life. Sometimes things happen that we can't explain or even begin to make sense of. That's when I need to go back to that place. That one moment in time where none of that matters and I just existed in the middle of a grand adventure. Back when even for just a moment, I was free.
I realized that I haven't recorded an episode of this podcast since August. I guess I really didn't have anything to say. Well that's not true. There's always something to say. I suppose I should clarify that there has been nothing worth saying. Nothing has changed. There are no really happy times in my life and no real sad ones. I guess I just had an average couple of months. I decided that I might as well try and recap the past few months with a new episode, which I recorded a few days before Christmas. In this episode I once again talk about my disdain for the holiday season, how I tried and failed at Movember (here's what I wrote about my optimism at the beginning of the month and my pessimistic admittance to failure at the end), my hate for the yearly Christmas Letter and lack of life moments, what my final words will be when I'm on my deathbed, my driving habits/philosophies, 10-year Confirmation Reunions, driving in the snow and whatever random thoughts populate into my brain as I was driving on that Winter's day.
Right click and Save As to download a copy of The Drive to Stay Alive Ep. 22 - It's the Holiday Season and Whoop-Dee-Doo: http://pookon.com/music/dtsa-ep22.mp3
The drive home ended being a little rougher than I anticipated thanks to the snow, which made it more ridiculous that I was talking into a little black box and telling it the story of my life. If I would have died in a fiery crash and my recording device was the only thing that survived, someone could have had a field day with this episode. I sound like such a pussy complaining about 1st World Problems and how much my life sucks when I brought all this shit on myself. I had been on a 6-week bender at this point and fresh off of a failure Movember when I promised to better my life. What did you expect me to talk about - faeries, moonbeams and unicorns? Happiness, good times and the unbroken spirit of the human race? NO! I was depressed. So I talked about depressing shit. Sorry. That's life. It changes every single day. This episode is merely a capture of one particular day in the life. And for me, life is usually pretty rough around the Holidays. We'll see what happens next time.
Some days are diamonds, some days are rocks. That's what Tom Petty sings in the song "Walls" which happens to be one of my favorite songs. It has some really good lines in it and it speaks to me with its' poetry. There are other lines in the song (because what would be the point of a song with one line?) but for the purpose of this episode I've chosen to focus on that one line. The day that I talk about here was a diamond. And I was due for one because I've had a lot of rocks in my life. For the most part everything has been depressing or negative during this Drive to Stay Alive experiment so I figured that if something good happened I definitely needed to mention it. There is a balance in this World so everything can't always be bad even though it seems to be that way sometimes. Memorial Day weekend was pretty epic and random and I start to explain what happened to me in those couple of days. Then somehow during this episode the story changes and I go off on a different tangent. Some stories are meant to be told and some are supposed to stay with the creator. I have no idea what I am doing here but it is all part of the drive. Click below to listen and to come along for the ride:
I'm still trying to put the pieces back together after that weekend of rage and I was hoping that this podcast (recorded just a few days afterwards) would help me to remember everything that happened. I can't grab a hold of everything but a couple of specific memories are ingrained in my head and I hope they stay there forever no matter how hard I try to drink them away with the bad ones. Let's just say that it was equal parts outstanding and ridiculous for so many reasons. I've done enough teasing both in the podcast and here in text without revealing a single thing and I can understand how frustrating that is. Look, I get it. But you're just going to have to deal with it. This is my life and I'm the only one that is privy to every detail. But if you follow me on Twitter and happened to be looking at my page on that day then I'm sure you grabbed a few morsels along the way. It's not a full meal but it will tide you over until suppertime. You're going to have to go somewhere else for that meal because I'm fresh out of juicy tidbits. Sorry pal. But look at it this way - it's not the first time that I've let you down and it will not be the last. So much for being a positive episode...
It seems to me that I'm always the wrong guy in the wrong place at the write time. Story of my life. Let me explain. I'm always the wrong guy. I know I haven't lived up to my potential both inside and out because I can do so much better with what I have been given. No one is excited when I appear on the scene. People are like oh it's that guy. I thought it was gonna be He-Man. I'm not good looking. I'm not an athlete. I'm not model. Although those can be debatable because I was a semi-professional beer pong player and I once signed a model release form to authorize Playboy to use my picture on their website for a feature article on the World Series of Beer Pong II. Basically I'm the wrong guy. I'm what you get when all other options are taken and you've decided that your parents wouldn't approve of you being a lesbian. And even after that I'm still single. Of course I could change this by putting in the time and effort to make myself the right time but that leads to the next part - I'm always in the wrong place.
I'm not comfortable in my own skin or with myself as a person so I'm either awkward around people. so over the top as to make everyone else awkward or sitting at home by myself to avoid the awkwardness. While you may argue that this is not true because I'm guessing if you are reading this we've hung out before I'll let you in on a little secret - it's all a ruse. A cunning attempt to trick you from knowing who I really am. At least in person. Which brings up the next part of the line - the write time. If you follow me on here or anywhere else online you'll see a different side of me than I display elsewhere. On here I can hide behind my words under the false assumptions that no one will ever read this and figure out who I really am on the inside.
Or maybe I'm just bullshitting and I have no fucking clue what I am talking about. Ha ha ha, I say. I was only kidding. I am a chronic liar after all. That way you will never know the real truth. So am I write or am I wrong? Who can tell? I've been living a lie my entire life and I've forgotten which path I have chosen and how deep the rabbit hole goes. I know what you're thinking right now - why oh why didn't I take the BLUE pill? Because the world is fake. I would rather see it for what is than not be able to see it at all. That's why I write what I see. That's why I record my life through various mediums. I want to get it all down and try to understand it. There has to be a reason I'm the wrong guy in the wrong place at the write time. God gave me the ability to write coherently and a boundless imagination for a reason and I'm left alone to figure out that reason. But until then here is a recap of what happened this last week here on the blog in case you missed it.
Monday June 10th -I didn't say much on Monday because everything that I had on my mind was recorded in my personal journal that you (the general public) does not have access to. Unless you broke into my house and stole it of course. I don't know why you would do that but it wouldn't be worth it. There isn't anything in there that will be any use to you. I'm hoping in 10, 25 or 50 years (if I live that long) it will serve as a reminder that life was good once and that it wasn't a total waste. Even though the information in there might not even serve useful to me in the future the important thing is that I am writing in there. Kickin' it old school if you will. My thoughts, a pen and some paper. What else do I need?
Thursday June 13th - One of the reasons I don't really hang out with people is because I lost my brother Timmy who was my right hand man and my best friend. He was always free to get together, catch a movie, play a show to get me out of the house or go for a drive in the countryside and jam out to some music. In so many ways I haven't dealt with his death even though it has been over 2 years and I'm worried about life without him. But he wrote a song called Driving On that speaks to me at this point in my life and kind of sums up everything that I want to say about where I am right now. It's not a good place but I'll keep driving on until I get there.
Saturday June 15th - For the last 2 weeks I've been doing a lot of writing. A lot of writing. For the most part it has been entertaining to me so I suppose I could keep it up for the remainder of the month. But no topic that I have covered this month was as much fun as coming up with responses to some of the random questions that you asked me. I sent out a text message to a select group of people and told them to ask me a random question. Since I had no idea what was coming I decided to respond with my first thought which is often the most truthful because you don't have time to formulate a lie. It was a fascinating experiment and one that I will definitely do again on this blog.
That's what has happened in my life over the last week, or at least in my online life. I'm sure there were a lot of moments that happened outside of this digital space but these were the moments that I chose to share with the world. I know that I shoot myself down a lot and have no self respect but it all comes from having no confidence or self-esteem. I blame myself entirely but you grow up being a fat kid and see how you turn out. But it taught me to find humor and learn how to develop a skill and for me that was writing. Say what you want about my style or word choice but I'm going to ignore you if you are negative. I know I'm a damn good writer and I take a lot of pride in what I do. It's the only good thing in my life and the only thing that could possibly get me out of whatever self created hell I've been living in. So stayed tuned to the blog for more nonsense during June and I promise you that even though I may be the wrong guy in the wrong place, here on my blog it will always be the write time. Yippee-ki-yay, Motherfucker!
I've been doing a solo podcast since late October of 2012. I call it The Drive to Stay Alive because I record the episode while I am driving back and forth from work while searching for my purpose in this world; a reason to keep living. I started recording at a very dark time in my life and over the course of the last 8 months I have figured out a lot of things about myself and how to be happy in an otherwise sad world. I haven't got it all figured out yet which is why I keep recording. To my knowledge I'm the only one who has ever listened to an episode of this even though I have posted every single of them in this blog. But I'm ok with that. In fact I don't really care if you listen to them because you don't really have a reason to. It's not your life on the line here. Whatever you tell me to do or try and help me fix my life probably won't work (no offense) because the answer needs to come from within. I have to figure this one out on my own. But I post these episodes to hold myself accountable in the rare case that someone does take the time to know what's going on in my life. At any time someone could stop me and ask if I have stayed true to any of the promises that I have made or if I have quit like I always do. But no one has done that yet. But I do enjoy going back and listening to the previous episodes because each one is a snapshot of my life at that moment. I can also see how much (or how little) I have changed since then. The following episode was recorded at like 3 in the morning when I was in Las Vegas in late March of 2013, which is a bit of a departure from the usual Drive to Stay Alive Podcast.
I rolled into Las Vegas on a Friday night around midnight. My flights had been delayed and were switched around so I got in later than I had expected. For my troubles I received a $600 travel voucher so my trip started out on a very high note. I arrived at my hotel (The Super 8 just off Strip) and met up with my friends where we hung out and sand some karaoke. They went to bed around 230 am but I was pretty jazzed up and not ready to turn in. That's when I started Operation Dawn. I was drinking (and not driving of course) so I decided to record even though it wasn't a traditional episode of this podcast. It's a little on the long side because I just hit the record button and had a hard time paying attention thanks to the booze, flashing lights and obnoxious noises. But now I'm sober and I was able to edit together a semi-coherent representation of my night. It's not as introspective as I usually get and I in no way, shape or form identify a problem in my life or figure out a way to solve it. But I do have some fun. Some good drunken fun. Give it a listen if you have an hour to burn.
When I'm drunk and alone I usually take to Twitter to share my adventures with someone. And that someone ends up being anyone who is brave enough to follow me. I'm 100% honest on there and everything that I say actually happened. I know. Seriously. I don't really believe it myself which is why I put it on there. When I sober up I check my Twitter account to see if I imagined it or if it was real. The following are real things that happened to me that night during Operation Dawn:
Picked up my bottle of backpack rum. My weekend in #LasVegas can now officially begin. I'm gonna be drunk 24/7 bitches!
Lost $4, had 2 rum drinks, ate the shit out of some pizza and a $2 local microbrew. This place is awesome. #EllisIslandCasino
My only stipulation for a slot machine is that it has to be as loud and obnoxious and I am. #LasVegas
It's 5am. I won $100 on penny slots and $20 by letting it ride on black. I'm up on the night plus I had plenty of beers. #LasVegas #victory
Fuck. Shit. God damn it. I was up and now I'm back at even. Why did I play blackjack? #GamblingAddiction #LasVegas
I should have left this casino hours ago. I shouldn't have had 10 beers. I've made some mistakes. But fuck it. #rage #LasVegas
I've been in this casino for going on 6 hours now. If I leave even then at least I did something better than sleeping. #rage
I'm just so fucking drunk right now. Creating a spectacle and cheering and laughing over nonsense. Another day in the life... #Iceman
Hanging out with this old dude. I'm drinking beer. He's drinking coffee. This old guy rules! #victory
I don't care if I win money or I lose money. This entire trip is going to be #victory when all is said and done. #LasVegas
The best part about this is that it's 830am back in Wisconsin and I'm talking to @JennyReck and @MPW8279 and I'm wasted. #LasVegas
Every time that I think about leaving this casino I get another round of free games or #victory. I can't lose! #LasVegas
This machine doesn't want me to leave. Every time I get up to go I get another bonus game. And another drink! #victory
This is beyond ridiculous. You would think I was dreaming right now. I have gotten so many free games and so many free beers. #victory
I just left the casino. Didn't sleep all night. Was raging like a banshee. I don't even know what that means. Classic. #victory
Still haven't slept. Drunk as shit, chillaxing in a hot tub. Living the good life. It's good to be the Iceman. #victory
Sobering up by doing laps in the pool. I wish every day could be like this. I truly am living the dream right now. #victory
I know I shouldn't be proud of this, but I'm so fucking drunk still at 9am. My life is insane pal. #LivingTheDream
(Taxi cab rolls up) Driver: you need a taxi? Me: No thanks pal, I'm trying to cut back. #classic
Sitting outside on the street, eating the shit out of some breakfast I got at 7 Eleven. Pretty much a perfect morning. #LasVegas
I'm such a drunken asshole right now. I saw some vomit on the ground, said last night's dinner and chuckled. #classic
I knew #LasVegas had a traffic problem, but I don't remember getting hit by a bus this morning. Good Lord. #GettingOld
This was a really good night. I actually remember a good amount of it despite being so drunk. I love that this happened the first night I was out here because I blew off so much steam and had a blast. I was losing money all night long and then hit a really big score that put me back ahead for the day. And I was drinking. All. Night. Long. When I finally left the casino at like 7am I went swimming to try and sober up. That didn't really work so I went to 7/11 for some breakfast. I sat out on the street corner eating my sausage muffin and drinking some orange juice and I just laughed. It's been a long time since I was that drunk so early in the morning. I just kept laughing to myself that I was a such a drunken asshole. This was a pretty good day. It wasn't the Virgin Islands and I didn't meet a girl. We didn't eat lobster, nor did we drink pina coladas. At sunset we definitely didn't make love like sea otters. I didn't get that day, but this was a day that I wouldn't mind living over and over. How's that for a glass is half full kinda guy?
I haven't posted an Episode in well over a month because I haven't recorded anything lately. But I forgot that I had a couple of episodes in the hopper for times like this. Call it Lois' rainy day fund. I actually recorded this episode on March 1st but for some reason it's getting posted on May 16. Why the lapse of time? I don't really know. Granted I did have a really busy March and April but there is no excuse for the delay. It's not like anyone cares about this shit anyway. But I recorded this shit so I might as well post it even though so much has changed since then. I'm a different person than I was on March 1st even though it's only been 2 months. But it's like Cheech Marin (as the New York City dock worker) said in Ghostbusters 2 when the ghost Titanic arrived, "Well, better late than never." That's the attitude I'm going to take here. I do enjoy these little snipits of my life because they capture where I am at a particular point in my life that will never be replicated. Life is a series of moments strung together by time. At this particular time I was struggling with a lot of broken things in my life. My back was killing me for no reason and I hurt really bad for about 10 days. It was damn near crippling and I felt so helpless. My car was also broken and in the shop so I was borrowing my Dad's Baby Truck, which definitely didn't help my back. You know Chris Farley's "Fat Guy in a Little Coat" routine in Tommy Boy? It's like that except "Fat Guy in a Little Truck" when I drive this vehicle. All of that made me exceptionally upset in this episode and I provide one of the most angry commentaries in this Drive to Stay Alive. In that regard it is definitely worth a listen. I certainly can laugh at it now. So I have at least been able to entertain one person. I just wish that I could touch more people. And I wish that they would like it. Let me touch you by listening below.
For some reason I recorded the 2nd half of this episode nearly a week after the 1st one. This allowed me to calm down and have a completely different perspective on the return trip of this episode. And then something happened on this drive home that got me fired up once again - other drivers. Every now and then the fact that I record this while I'm driving affects what I talk about as I just lose my mind in a rage-fueled tirade. That's when the F-bombs start dropping and everyone has to duck and cover. It gets a little weird here every so often which is why I keep recording this and posting it in the hopes that you check it out. Like I said, it is entertaining to me but then again so is my life. I love this shit. So I'm going to keep on driving. I'm going to keep on living. That is until God decides to stop this drive. Who knows when that will be. If it is in my power I'll see you again soon. Drive on my friends.
When I started this podcast in October of 2012 I didn't really know how long it would last or if it would help me out at all. Now it's April and I'm running out of things to talk about. But that good thing is that I've figured out a lot of things along the way and that I've been able to talk out some of my problems even though no one is listening. I don't you guys don't give a fuck about me or this podcast but I couldn't care less because this is helping me. I've spent the last 5 months of my life as a recluse trying to figure out my purpose in life and a reason to keep on living and while I can't say I've figured it out yet, I can tell you that I've learned a lot of really good things about myself. I've figured out 2 secrets to life so far (slow down and don't be a fucking idiot) and now I've figured out the 3rd - find a balance. While these things sound real basic on the surface they become really complex once I try to figure out a way to incorporate them into my life. This episode finds me trying to figure out the 3rd secret to life while also trying to figure out a way to make up for some lost time. I started this podcast because I needed to get my life back together but while I have been in solitude I have let some of my friendships slip away. There is no doubt in my mind that I could pick these up again and it would be all good again but like everything in life, it's going to take some work. Am I willing to work on that when I'm so busy with everything else? I don't know. Maybe some people are just better off alone. Or maybe I should just try and find a good balance, which is what this episode is all about. Click to listen below.
Now that I'm back working at Miller Park for the Summer I don't have a lot of time to do just about anything anymore. I know that I can find a way to balance it all but to be quite honest with you, I don't really want to. If I have the option of sitting at home alone or hanging out with people, I'll choose sitting at home alone 99 out of 100 times. I'm just a loner I guess. Plus I'm so swamped with all of these projects on this blog, my website or any of the other things I'm trying to do that I feel like I'm not doing my due diligence if I am ignoring them. After all I am writing the story of my life and leaving behind my legacy. But if I lose all of my friends and family then who will care to read it when I am gone? That's why I have to find a balance. And like everything that I've been talking about over the course of the past 5 months, this is something that is easier said then done. But nothing worth having comes free, so I suppose I'll have to work on this thing too. Like I don't have enough shit to do. Sigh...
I recorded this episode a few days after Valentine's Day. If you've ever been single this time of the year then you know how depressing it can be. You get reminded that you're single everywhere you go, when you watch TV, go on Facebook and various other ways. The card/gift companies, flower stores, jewelry stores and restaurants thrive off of this holiday where people are expected to buy things for their significant other. The one good part of not being in a relationship is that you don't have to deal with all of that shit and the drama that comes with it. Other than that being single really sucks. Especially when every one you know is either married or in a relationship. I've been single forever and I've decided to change that. But it's going to be a real challenge. For starters I'm a piece of shit so I've started working on my personal problems through this podcast. I think over the last few months I've got my mind right so now I can start getting my grind right. And therein lies the problem.
I'm unattractive by ever standard of every race, culture, social group and living breathing human on the Earth. If there are other people (aliens) in the Universe I'm pretty sure they find me unattractive too. That's because I'm fat and ugly. God gave me a decent looking body but I screwed it up by eating too much and not working out. It may be too late for me to change but I'm hoping there's still some time left to skinny up and trick a girl into marrying me. I wish I had a boatload of money so I could one of those mail-order brides. That would solve all my problems because she would have to hang out with me because I have money and she wants it. But I don't have money so I'm just going to have to use my sparkling personality, sense of humor and good looks to get a girlfriend. I don't know have any of those. In this podcast I discuss the lack of these things and my plan to get them.
My goal by the end of the year is to be in a committed relationship, and I don't mean locked up in the Mental Hospital with some guy who thinks he is Dr. Teeth from the Electric Mayhem. I want to have a girlfriend. It's going to take a lot of work but everything that is worth it always does. I don't know if I'm cut out for this kind of thing and that's not my way of coming out of the closet. I don't like dudes. I like chicks. But I've just been single so long that I'm so used to being alone. I'm always alone. That was actually the reason I got a cat because I got tired of hanging out by myself all the time. But as awesome as Coach Gordon Bombay was and Major Korben Dallas is, they are not ideal companions. I love them and they love me, but pets are different than humans. I want a human to love me. And that starts with me loving myself. I don't like my life so I have no choice but to change it. Easier said than done. I don't think I can do it. I might as well just give up on life. But I can't do that. I won't do that. I can't find my drive to stay alive if I quit now.
If you've been following along with this Podcast since I started it in late October then you would know that I mostly discuss negative things and sadness. My life has been full of those kinds of things lately so naturally that is all I have had to talk about. If I would have been positive and happy in my life then this podcast wouldn't exist because I would have found my reason to keep living. After so many weeks of working through problems and issues in my life I really needed a win to remind me that good things to happen to good people in life. This was made perfectly clear to me on January 27 at the annual Brewers on Deck event. I'm a believer in Karma, which is the idea that there is a balance in the world and that good things will come to good people and vice versa. Things can't be all bad and they can't be all good. Things have been pretty bad lately and this small thing was enough to pick me up out of the gutter. In the grand scheme of things it was something very small but at the time it was huge, especially since it had to do with the Milwaukee Brewers.
I don't want to spoil the story because I want you to listen to the podcast. That's kind of the whole point of me recording this thing and posting it here. But I do promise you that it is a real feel good kind of story that you will probably directly benefit from at some point during the year. Let's just say that I got rewarded with some things I can share with other people. This episode deals with Karma and the balance of the Universe and how one will eventually be rewarded as long as they work hard to change their life. Through this podcast I have been trying to make some changes to be a better person and it was nice to finally see it pay off. It is moments like this that make all the suffering and hard times worth it.
I have noticed that some more good things have happened in my life lately as soon as I was ready to accept them by letting go of the negativity. Good things happen to good people. Although I don't always make the right choices for the most part I am a good person. Karma will pay me back once I let her do it. And on January 27 at Brewers on Deck, I got paid back in a way which I could have never imagined. It was truly a once in a lifetime experience and it couldn't have come at a better time in my life. I needed this win. And I got it. It gave me a reason to keep on living if only to see what happens next. Who knows what might happen tomorrow?
It was real cold outside this Monday morning when I recorded this episode but that's not the reason why I wore a ski mask. I wore it because it was funny. In fact the only reason why I own one was because I thought it was funny. When I was at Goodwill with Jenny we found it and it was only $3 so I decided to buy it. And so far it has been the best $3 I have ever spent in my entire life. The thing is no one really needs a ski mask, not even skiers. They'd be better off wearing a normal hat and goggles. Come to think of it, have you ever seen someone wearing a ski mask that wasn't robbing a bank or a convenience store? No! That's because normal people don't wear ski masks. But I was wearing one today because I'm anything but normal. I have a really good story about it but I'm not going to spoil it in text form. If you want to hear it then you just need to click the play button below or save a copy to listen to whenever you feel like it. And in case you are worried that this episode is as worthless as a ski mask then fear not - I come up with a really good metaphor for the ski mask that will make sense if you are willing to give me an hour of your time. Once a week. Sorry pal but that's kind of what goes on around this joint. This is a Drive to Stay Alive and I need someone to ride shotgun. Are you willing to get in the car with a deranged lunatic? I thought so.
We all wear masks to hide our fears, insecurities and blah blah blah analytic metaphorical "I went to graduate school and I have a Doctorate in Psychology" bullshit that those people tell you. To be quite honest with you I have no idea what they are talking about. Shit, I have no idea what I'm talking about in these podcasts but I'm going to keep on talking until I figure this life out. And that's all part of the drive my friends. Keep on going until it all makes sense. I just hope that I don't run out of gas or my car breaks down. Wait... are we talking about life or driving cars? Now I'm lost. Better stop at the nearest station and ask for directions.
Obituaries are harder to write than they are to read. That's a given. The purpose of them is to provide information with the most important (and most depressing) news that they have passed. After that there are the facts - their family (parents, siblings, spouse, etc), funeral information and a couple of words about their lives. But how do you sum up a life in a short paragraph? You can't. That's why you continue to keep their memory alive by remembering what they taught you and living your life to the fullest for them, raging for them if you will. You might think I'm talking about Timmy and I kind of am from an experience standpoint. But the thing that brought this episode to fruition was finding out someone I hadn't talked to in nearly 10 years had recently died. I won't get into details but I heard about his passing from a friend and then read the obituary on Facebook. And even though I knew nothing about him over the last decade I couldn't help but marvel at how amazing his life sounded and how much it seemed like he had impacted the people whom he had made contact with during his life. It was just a paragraph but his life summed up in that blip sounded better than mine. I hate to make this about me but hell it's my podcast so I suggest you deal with it. I couldn't help but think that my life has been a waste so far and that I had basically accomplished nothing in 31 years on this planet. I started thinking about what my obituary would contain. I don't think I would like it. And why should I? There would be nothing worth reading in there so you should probably avoid it at all costs. Hopefully you'll never have to read it. Because reading an obituary is a really hard thing to do. But when you do, it makes you think about so many things. And you know, when I think I say them out loud on the Drive to Stay Alive. And you can hear them by clicking below...
I need to find something to be happy about because I don't know about you, but I'm getting really tired of the depressing shit. But that's life man. I'm in a low place right now and I'm just going to have to dig myself out. That's because no one is going to help me. I've been doing this podcast for over 3 months and have yet to get any feedback from anyone or something as simple as a pat on the back telling me that it's going to be ok. That's because no one wants to listen to me bitching and moaning about my problems. Everyone has problems. Deal with it pal. But it does make me realize that I am the only one that can fix what is wrong with me. So I alone am faced with the task of figuring out the solution. That is the hardest part because I don't even know the answer yet. But I do know that when I figure it all out I'm going to be a hell of a better person for having picked myself up. If only I could just fast forward to that part instead of watching this show play at 1/4th speed. If only it was that easy. But life isn't easy pal. Deal with it.
Beer pong was a pretty big part of my life but I've moved on. My priorities changed when my life changed and I know I made the right decision. But still it feels weird to be home during the first week of January and not out in Nevada for the World Series of Beer Pong. I've been to seven of them beginning in 2006 and ending in 2012. This one (Year VIII) was the 8th incarnation of this International Beer Pong Tournament with a Grand Prize of $50,000. While the money sounds nice there is no way in hell I'd even come close to winning that cash seeing as I haven't made the Day 3 Playoffs since Year II. When I first started this blog in 2005 it was pretty random with content before I decided to start focusing on certain subjects and beer pong was one of them because it was a big part of my life. Those were the glory years of the CHBPL (Cramer House Beer Pong League) where we would play official games once a week and shoot around on the others. All of my friends from the UWM Union were also in league so we hung out every day. This was also the era of June's Blanket and The Godsplash so I was living pretty high and mighty for a few years. And then something happened - I got old.
I graduated from college in 2006 and pretty much stopped playing beer pong outside of some random nights or BBFE. Since all of my friends are right around my age they all graduated too and the league disbanded. But even though we didn't play as much as we used to, we kept on going out to Las Vegas for this event. When the Last Cup movie (which was shot during Year II) came out I became a well known character in the beer pong community and I kept going out there because they treated me like a rockstar. I met a lot of great people out there and it became more about hanging out with friends than playing beer pong. Joey Kanz and Hummel joined me out there for several years but when I realized it was more about having fun than anything else. I was having such a good time blogging and tweeting about what I was doing and then I realized that I didn't need to spend $1,000 to do that. The World Series of Beer Pong is quite expensive and just wasn't worth it if I wasn't getting anything out of it. But still it was weird to not be out there and I took the time on my commute to address it. You can listen by clicking below.
All things have an expiration date and the beer pong part of my life probably sat on the shelf for a little bit too long. I should have retired years ago but kept on going out there for some odd reason. I guess I just wasn't ready to grow up and move on with my life. But one thing that I realized by not going to the WSoBP is that I wasn't missed. I didn't hear from any of my so called "friends" that they were upset that I wasn't there. That really validated my decision to do more important things with my life then to play beer pong in the dirtiest fucking city in the world. There's more to life than that shit and I'll damn sure keep on trying to figure out what that is. But I do know that life has nothing to do with beer pong. I'm sure about that one. But life still has a lot of mysteries to discover and until I figure them out I'm going to keep driving. And as long as I'm still driving I'm still living.
