Drunken Live Tweet - Finding Nemo - "Just Keep Tweeting. Just Keep Tweeting..."

Words can't even explain how creepy and wrong this is. Who #hashtags a kids movie and talks shit about it while drunk? Me I guess. That's what I do on a Friday night. And this is why I'm still single. And this is also why I have problems. I didn't intend to Live Tweet the Disney/Pixar movie Finding Nemo. I made one comment on my Twitter account and it just kind of snowballed from there (as it often does when I'm drinking whiskey). All of the sudden it's 1am and I'm watching the thrilling conclusion of one of Pixar's finest movies. 

It's ultimately the story of a boy and his Dad and the grand adventure that they share. They each go on a separate voyage in the great big sea but it is all confined within the same story (although they didn't know it at the time). I'm sure that when they look back (assuming that Nemo isn't horribly scarred from this tragic event) they will laugh and recount these fond memories. But what are these memories? What happened when Marlin was out #FindingNemo? I'm sure that you know them. You've seen the movie. You've probably even seen it several times. So you you what you think about it. But have you ever wondered what I think about #FindingNemo? Oh you have? Well then my friend you have come to the right place!

The following is a series of tweets that I sent out from my Twitter account (@pookondotcom) on Friday January 30. Despite this seeming like a shameless attempt to gain new followers by promoting the shit out of myself, I beg you not to waste your time on this nonsense. That is unless of course that you like nonsense. I have plenty of it to go around. I learned long ago that I can't stop myself from being myself. Unfortunately social media has given me an outlet to be myself to the whole world. This is quite possibly the worst thing to ever happen to the World. OK, so maybe I'm being a little over dramatic. But I'll let you be the judge of that after you read my tweets about Finding Nemo.

I couldn't handle losing my wife and all of my kids (except one) in the first 5 minutes of the movie. #FindingNemo is fucking sad.

The other fuckers in the ocean give Marlin a hard time, but he's one tough ass fish. He's been through some real shit. #FindingNemo

Hands down the best part of #FindingNemo is when the baby fish falls off the sponge bed and cries. I love when kids fall down.

That little squid kid inks and then swims in it. What a nasty little bitch. Someone should tell the the EPA. #FindingNemo

Some ass jockey just up and steals Nemo. And people wonder why I don't swim in the ocean. Don't want to get stolen. #FindingNemo

Don't know if I'm Marlin or Dory. Probably both. I'm an non-funny clown who can't remember a God damn thing. #FindingNemo

I hate sharks. They straight up eat you. Who wants to be someone's dinner? I bet I don't even taste that good. #FindingNemo

If Jeffrey Dahmer was still alive, I bet he could tell me what I taste like. What? #TooSoon? #FindingNemo

But these sharks go on a dolphin hating rant. I can get behind that. Dolphins think they're so smart. Smug ass bastards. #FindingNemo

Fish are friends, not food? Apparently those sharks have never been to Milwaukee on a Friday night. #FishFry #FindingNemo

This shark needs an intervention because he wants some of #THATMEAT!?!? Why stop when it tastes so good? #FindingNemo

Worst part about what I'm doing right now? Hashtagging a kids movie and saying these awful awful things. #FindingNemo

Bird blames the other bird for farting and then flies away? Hey pal - he who smelt it, dealt it. #FindingNemo

I didn't expect to be live tweeting #FindingNemo. But I also didn't expect to be unmarried at 33. Oh wait - yeah I did.

I have some real problems if this is what I do with my Friday nights. But it could be worse. I could be in prison like Nemo. #FindingNemo

Love that Jacques fella. He makes popping noises and scurries around. Foreigners are the best. #FindingNemo

Hitched a ride on the porcelain express? Been there. Every morning after a #BachelorParty... #FindingNemo

I'll admit I'm still a little afraid of the dark, so there's no way I'm going to the bottom of the ocean for a fucking mask. #FindingNemo

If I'm not deathly hungover tomorrow, I'm making P. Sherman at 32 Wallaby Way in Sydney, Australia my new pen pal. #FindingNemo

All I want in life is to be part of a ragtag group of outcasts forced to spend a confined space together. #FindingNemo

I wish my voice was half as sexy as Brad Garrett's or Patrick Warburton's. #FindingNemo #aLittleGay

Other best part of the movie - John Ratzenburger as the school of fish when one fish walks the plank of the Pirate ship. #FindingNemo

It's the little moments in this movie that kill me - why Ted here has relatives in Sydney. "Sure do!" #FindingNemo

I just told my cat we're live tweeting #FindingNemo. He said, "who is this we? Don't lump me in with you." My cat is a jerk.

I wish that I lived in a sea anemone and was used to stings. That way I wouldn't get hurt so much. Getting hurt sucks. #FindingNemo

Fuck a horde of jellyfish. Forming an unlawful assembly and putting the citizens in danger. They should all be destroyed! #FindingNemo

If all drains lead to the ocean, then I've been peeing in the ocean all night long. #FindingNemo

If you see a small opening, wedge a pebble into it. Maybe it's just me, but that sounds a little naughty. #FindingNemo

Norman Osbourne needs to stop making his cronies do his dirty work. But he's rich. I guess that's what rich people do. #FindingNemo

Marlin wakes up passed out on the back of a righteous sea turtle. Some fish have all the luck. So not fair. #FindingNemo

Wish I woke up passed out on a turtle. But at least I never woke up passed out in the sewer or in a lion's den. #FindingNemo

Jelly Man is a sweet nickname. I'm lucky to be Iceman. And a security guard in Las Vegas once called me The Whistler. #FindingNemo

I headbutt my cat Korben Dallas all the time. There's no sweeter move than knocking heads with another life form. #FindingNemo

I want to scrape together some money and buy a shitload of baby sea turtles. Those creatures are the bomb. #FindingNemo

I wish a bunch of little sea turtles would gather and listen to my stories. I promise they're entertaining! #FindingNemo

Other best part of this movie is the Boston Lobsters talking about it being wicked daaaak. How's it goin' Bob? #FindingNemo

I'm Iike those seagulls every time I see a girl with hot totties - Mine! Mine! Mine! Except she's never mine. #sadness #FindingNemo

Marlin takes on 3 sharks and he's a hero. A girl takes on 3 sharks and she's a slut. That's not fair. #FindingNemo

Does @Disney have a water slide based on the East Australian Current in #FindingNemo? If not they should. They're sitting on a gold mine!

I want credit if @Disney now builds a water slide with inflatable turtles where you ride the East Australian Current. #FindingNemo

Just keep swimming... Just keep swimming... Is that a mantra for Dory or for sperm? #FindingNemo

And speaking of sperm, here's a sperm whale. Why is it called that? Has anyone ever stopped to question that? #FindingNemo

Is anyone else a little weirded out about a girl asking if you have seen her flow? Now that's just gross. #FindingNemo

Can't say that I've ever been inside a whale. Not even in college. #FindingNemo

Marlin says the whale is half empty. Dory says the whale is half full. Whose side are you on? #TeamHalfFull #FindingNemo

If I was up inside a whale I would never quit. Never give up! Never surrender! Get ejaculated from that whale! #FindingNemo

If the light is green, the tank is clean. The fish are incarcerated here in our custom made storage facility. #FindingNemo

But the light is red. The purple fish guy covers his nuts when the machine scans the tank. You can never be too cautious. #FindingNemo

Eaten by a pelican. That's not the way I'm going to go. I'm probably going to suffer from violent cardiac arrest. #FindingNemo

Hop inside my mouth if you want to live? Is that the #FindingNemo way of saying come with me if you want to live? #Terminator2

It's absolute chaos in the dentist's office. That's why I don't go despite having dental insurance. #FindingNemo

I can sympathize with Marlin. I've gone on many a quest only to find a dead fish at the end. #FindingNemo

Have you seen my Dad? And have you seen my baseball? #FindingNemo

I think that Dory just had Drunken Recall. Arnold Schwarzenegger had Total Recall. And Marlin has Nemo Recall. #FindingNemo

Swim down never works. I've been swimming down all my life and it hasn't gotten me anywhere. I'm bound to go belly up. #FindingNemo

I hate that everyone tells Nemo what he can't do. No wonder the kid was underdeveloped. Everyone is holding him back. #FindingNemo

I met a sea turtle once. And he was 150 years old. You know what that means? That Sandy Plankton was full of shit man. #FindingNemo

Like father, like daughter. Adult squid guy inks at the first sight of a shark. Way to keep it together pal. #FindingNemo

At the end of the day it's the story of a boy and his Dad. That's why I love it. It speaks to me. #FindingNemo

Where the fuck do these asshats think they are going in these plastic bags? They were better off in camp tivity... #FindingNemo

I want the end of my life to play out like the end credits of #FindingNemo. "Somewhere beyond the sea, she's there waiting for me..."

Got drunk and live tweeted #FindingNemo. One could say I'm channeling my inner @jimmylaw22 @BingeMedia #Pixar

Did you like that? Did you like what you saw there? You shouldn't. In fact you should be ashamed of yourself if you chuckled at any of these horrendous comments. Don't encourage me because then I might do this kind of shit more often. I encourage myself on a daily basis and I don't need any help pal. But thanks for the assist. Look, I'm sorry that I subjected you to this. But then again, you didn't have to read it unless you wanted to. My head is a twisted place. The only way I can stay "normal-ish" is to let the crazy out from time to time. And sometimes when I let that crazy out, I go after children's movies. It's better than going after children, right? And this blog post just took a real disastrous turn. And that is where I'm going to leave you. Go out and find your Nemo pal!

 - pookon -

www.pookon.com
https://twitter.com/pookondotcom
https://www.facebook.com/MilwaukeeIceman

Oh What A Lovely Tea Party

I'm no stranger to the sauce (alcohol). I like to partake in it quite often and sometimes I go a little overboard. It's probably not good for me and it is certainly one of the reasons why I'm sad and alone. But it has led to some great times and hilarious results. The following text was on a Wednesday night in January 2014. I have this speech-to-text function on my phone and I talked to it when I was drunk. The results below are a combination of me drunkenly slurring my words and the voice recognition software having a difficult time translating it. This leads to a whole lot of random because it's hard for me to tell if I came up with this nonsense or if the A.I. just decided that's what I said. Who knows? All that I know is that I was a little drunk and I just talked until I didn't feel like talking anymore. The best thing about computers that record your thoughts are that they are always there to listen. That's more than I can say about most people in my life. Not many people can put up with this kind of crazy. In case you ever had a question about why I'm still single, the following couple of paragraphs should answer that question. So this is me, drunk on a random Wednesday:

To make things even more ridiculous, I put this into a text to speech generator so that you can listen to a computerized voice try and make sense out of my drunken rambling:



I'm watching The Little Mermaid again, so that pretty much tells you her where this night is. It all started with the rum and the tea lemonade. When life gives you lemons, you just say f*** the lemons and bail. When life gives you lemons TV, you just throw some rum minutes and rage. And then you pretty much just got to be free to go with what happens next. Close your eyes and jump off a cliff and not be scared about what's going to happen man. I should be here every night. But I'm scared man. Too scared to do all the things I should have done instead of what I actually did tonight. Hahahaha. I realize now that I'm making too much sense. Perhaps the ROM is wearing off. All the reason to start drinking again.

Priceline, its 2:30 in the morning. The Hells wrong with you Christian mark? How much time do you have. I wish in mermaid fall in love with me. Hello, I just wish anyone would fall in love with me. Maybe even dudes. It's gotten to that point. Instead of doing something with my life I've become pretty much shut in. Although tonight I really didn't have any other choice. My car battery decided that, "hey man - I don't need a job. I'm not working here anymore. You could just take your your energy in your power and you can just f*** off. I quit." A****** car battery. Things you can just like screw with me then. Well I'll show my finger to tomorrow when I drowned in the river. I'll type concrete block around him. Hellsing to the bottom faster than Lightning McQueen.

Lemonade tea in Rome is the best combo. In Rome? I've never been in Rome. I meant in Rome. No. En Roma you stupid voice thing. How many times do I have to say rum before you get it right? Finally. Jesus. I'm the one who's been drinking. Like I said its not the best combo. That was sweet ass and some big ol titties. Now thats a nice combo. Its like those pretzels with cheese in the middle - they just go together. Is there something wrong with me? Like seriously wrong with me? I mean, like is there some kind of scale where you can compare me against other people that are wrong? I'd like to know just for curiosity sake. I'd like to see where I rank. Like serial killers are red. Really weird. And then like circus clowns are different kind of weird. Method actors are kinda weird as well and so R children's nurseries to grow up. Where do I fit in? Probably somewhere in the middle - Malcolm style. I'm probably not as strange as I think I I am Sam I am. But oh what a lovely tea party.

I think I'm going to change my life so that it revolves more around T. Why is it that the English you're the only one who can have to time? The roots want to cook its two tone hello you. What you stupid sore darling have a spot of tea. And some scripts to. Why should the English have a backyard Christian mark? I want to too. I want to you too James Cameron style. Doesn't understand see you too. I'm going to keep saying to you too and to a concert right TF 2. Cheese too. Tease too. T 2. That was the closest I ever got and it still didn't get to you too right.

I'm trying to say TV like to drink, like the hot beverage that you would drink with your friends. Does it have to be a hopper fridge cuz the T on drinking is cold? What about Mr T, does he drink cold beverages? I hope so. He needs stay hydrated if he's going to punch some fools in their mouths. I pity the fool who gets punched in the mouth by Mr T. Does Mr T and misses TV make that bloody mary Mac's I like? I hope so because I pity the fool who doesn't like my Bloody Mary Mix. Its spicy fool. I'm at the part or Ariel becomes human. That's good for me because then I actually got a shot with her. Nevermind she's a cartoon I'm real life. It worked in Cool World and Roger Rabbit so I could work with me too. I don't even know how to respond to that and I'm the one who said it. Who has problems now?

I'm never going to get the Little Mermaid to fall in love with me. Let's not even start talked about the fact that she is a cartoon anime realize. Let's not even talk about the fact that she is a fish ish and I'm a human. That's not a part of this conversation. The real problem is that until I start to figure out what's important in my life and get rid of all the bullshit that surrounds me, I'm never going to let anybody fall in love with me. Not a mermaid, not a cartoon, not a single mother with daddy issues and definitely not a single available woman. So I'm basically screwed. It's a good thing I'm used to the single life because I'm going to be dealing with it for the rest of mine. Lisa give away free cats with you mean Siri. Free so did what cut? What does Siri have to do with this? I was talking about cats and free cats at that at the Humane Society. As long as they're still free I can get a new one everytime my old one unfortunately dies. So in essence I never really be alone. So I got that going for me.

Dealing with colored caulk (Do you think Macaulay Culkin) ever recovered from being left home alone? I mean is f****** parents went to France and left a min apparently situation where's some bumbling criminals and nearly killed him and took all of their possessions. I'm not even talking about the scary furnace or the old man who supposedly killed people and ground them up with salt to spread on the sidewalks. That's a lot for any kid to deal with any probably needed years of therapy. And then to make matters worse, the next year or two later they went to Florida and most his little bitch ass at the airport and pre 9/11 security oh wow him to get on a flight to New York. How does that happen? The Lucia just get so fly by himself nn ones up and just strange city and not only that but it's the biggest city in the whole entire world quest! So he goes and he holds up at the Plaza Hotel for a while and then decide to sit ups in the traps at his uncles place is getting renovated. And Daniel Stern Joe Pesci, the two dumbest criminals of all time, ended up getting spoiled by the soul but I start again. I know they're not the best but they're still adults. They shouldn't get to see did buy some punk ass little kid. Even if this kid knows what the hell he's doing. So what's the code (Macaulay Culkin) up to these days? F*** if I know. He was Richie Rich and then he was in some other flicks and then he hung out with Michael Jackson and got touched and then just kind of got old and got weird. For all I know is sitting in some bunker somewhere like Howard Hughes counting all of his money and staying away from germs. What a f****** weirdo. But I'm sure he gets more pussy than I do. Is that a bunch of bullshit? He can get like a wife for something and I can't. Just goes to show you that all girls just dig money. Especially if you're weird like Macaulay and like me. So am I just home alone. Apparently. Story of my life.

So this is me whether you like it or not. I'm not ashamed of who I am or else I wouldn't put all of this out there for everyone to see. What's the point in trying to be someone that you aren't? If people don't like you for who you are, then screw them. There's plenty of people in this World and chances are I will find someone who has the capacity to deal with all of this nonsense. Of course I will have to tone it down a little bit and unleash the beast in small increments. You never go full Makena and show them the entire package right away. That scares the ladies away. Of course my face and my size already does that before I'm able to show them the Makena. What is the Makena? Wouldn't you like to know. But I can't give you access to that information at the moment. Only the special ones get to see what lurks underneath the surface. But I haven't met her yet. I'm starting to think that I never will. I've never been lucky in love. I've never even been unlucky in love. Who knows really. I've been in love many times but no one has loved me back. Who is to blame? Me of course! You just read or listened to all of the goofy stuff that I came up with when I was drunk. If you were a single, available female looking for a male partner, would you introduce that to your friends and family or allow that to be the Father of your children? Of course not. So here I am. I make myself laugh. But I'm the only one laughing.

 - pookon -

www.pookon.com
https://twitter.com/pookondotcom
https://www.facebook.com/MilwaukeeIceman

Let Me Regale You With the Tale of the Drunken Squirrel

Author's note - if you aren't familiar with The Drunken Squirrel that is what I call my Ghostwriter. When I get the spirits in me, I tend to go nuts and write some nonsense. Lately, instead of writing, I decided it would funnier to talk to my phone and let Google's voice-to-text function try and decipher what I'm saying. It's funny in two ways. At least to me. I'm drunk so I don't really even know what I'm saying, and then this faulty computer has to try and figure out my drunken ramblings. That's tough for even a real person to do, so I can understand if the computer had some troubles here. And then there is the added benefit of the text-to-audio I've included below so you can listen to a computer say these stupid words while you read along. Isn't life beautiful? So let me regale you with a tale. A tale of the Drunken Squirrel.



Let me regale you with details. The tale of the drunken squirrel. In the city there once was a squirrel whose hair flowed but the majestic falls off diagram. He says she does self what is the rich and powerful squirrels of the Cretaceous era. One of those squirrels were back to last forever. What are the squirrels who could stand the test of time? This squirrel is like no other. The squirrel had inside him the ability to change the world. For this squirrel... what about talking about a squirrel? Squirrels can change the world!?! Squirrels can't do s***! They do is like gather up a chords and notes to put them in their trees edai to go away for the winter. That's it and then they sleep every dollar dead, so I'll go out like f***** out for a bit. Assault squirrels do. F*** squirrels.

So let me instead tell you a story about a bad. A bad so had sub that both bed and women alike sensitive. This bad he was the desire of everyone who came in contact with him. People look at him to the far and say that mad sure is handsome. I don't know who that is. I've never met a bad that I fancied. I've never even met a woman that I said she'd... wait that's not true. I said see any woman not related to me who actually talks to me, but that's another story for another day. 

Let me instead regale you with another tale a tale. There once was just beautiful girls and this girl she was half fish, have human. She was Little Mermaid. Maybe wish I was half fish 2 then maybe we could be together. Just ignore the fact that she's a cartoon it on a real life. If I had it my way I'd rather be a cartoon 2 or she be a human just like me. Where's the fun in that if life was like that? Then where's the dream? Where's the challenge? Where's the insurmountable goal? It's gone cuz I would have already achieved everything that's under the sea. I already be a part of her world and as long as you're going with the songs looks like s***. This movie I get to kiss the girls. 

If you could be half something is cheap like you're human half, what would you? I'll be the other half off. I think you can afford to be like half like Falcon or Eagles or some s***. Just like be able to have wings. You can fly. Would it be weird if like you would like to top ass Eagles and then you have like, you know, the beat of the wings? Everything on the bottom half of the like legs, like you're done like hanging. I guess in that case you'd probably still wear pants because nobody wants to have me go with his dong Hae out. I think that would be kind of cool me liking the mythological times. They had like to have horse like half human. I get the horse on the bottom and human on the top. My guess that's cool and everything, cause I'd you can run really fast but like if you screw up in school today, like be like that - well now we're going to turn into glue. Is that what I actually? Kinda sucks and then he got that gold bastard plays the flute that is like half goat and half like person any steel socks in Narnia. God damn go bastard.

Ok. Who am I kidding. I'm the drunken squirrel. News flash - ding ding ding! 11 o'clock headlines tell me something you didn't know. This drunken squirrel still has the audacity to class and the wherewithal to kick your ass. Booty ass is the drunken squirrel and if his drunken squirrel is lucky, he will wake up in a place that is so much sweeter than the dumpster in a degraded alley. Hope to wake up and Natalie Portman's bad. Will happen? I don't know. That's not for the drunken squirrel to the side. Only God knows. 

But let me instead regale you with a tail of the drunken squirrel. There once was a squirrel and he drank a lot. He drinks so much you would think that is all he ever did. He didn't sleep. You didn't eat. He didn't get with the ladies. No, Discworld, all he cared about was drinking. This squirrel drinks. Andy drinks. Any drinks any drink some more until there is nothing left to drink. What is when he drinks at this squirrel is on top of the world. This is a flying squirrel, any sores so high and so far that he can conquer his fears. This squirrel is the pinnacle that every squirrel hope to achieve. Wait, when was Cari Always in the s***? But I didn't see that I really like sitting watching this movie for like 2 hours and f***** curio is a mess. I don't believe it. What the hell just happened? 

Is it also the drugs. Girls is kind of like, dude - what's going on man? Squirrel says I don't get it. Sheesh calm down squirrel, you're not supposed to get it. If the drunken squirrel gets it the rest of the world all the sudden is treated you the answer that they weren't ready to hear. Woozworld understands. Just what the hell's going on? There's no wonder anymore. There's no mystery. So it's in the best interest of all mankind for the world to not know what the f**** going on. That's for the squirrels. Always be drunk. The drunken squirrel this label that because it makes a certain kind of balance what the world needs to survive. There is good and bad. There is right and wrong. There's a positive and negative. In the middle of it there's a squirrel as a squirrel is wasted. 

Dude seriously this girl is no f****** idea what's going on. Screws like to look at me. I'm like falling off a bridge and everybody laughs. Everybody says "oh look at that squirrel. He's so drunk." Im people laugh. Squirrel pizza stance. People laugh. Squirrel bumps in the calendar, Knox dishes down and people laugh. Squirrel tries ride a bike. Squirrel Falls and people laugh. Squirrel goes it hits on that hot girl in the corner was way out of his league. Hot girl turns squirrel down and people laugh. Squirrels here for your amusement. Squirrels a spectacle people. That squirrel. But it's okay, we all have a purpose in this life. Some going to do great things. Some change the world. But not squirrel. Squirrel is here Mary nearly to make you laugh in the hard times when there is no laughter. He sure to dry the tears. There will be no crying when Squirrel is around unless those tears come from laughing so hard that you have nothing better to do the shed a couple tears. Squirrel is okay with that. So what happens a squirrel now? Where does it go from here? Doesn't matter. Squirrel will live on. Squirrel will get drunk and squirrel make people laugh. That's all squirrel knows. So is the life of the drunken squirrel...

 - pookon -

www.pookon.com
https://twitter.com/pookondotcom
https://www.facebook.com/MilwaukeeIceman

The Write Month: June 23 - The Drunken Squirrel

I have to explain something for you to understand this post. I "wrote" it when I was drunk. I call myself the Drunken Squirrel because that's the name that I give my Ghostwriter who takes over when I've had a few. I say "wrote" this because I actually used this speech-to-text function on my phone. That's why some of this doesn't make sense because Google has a tough time translating certain things. Personally I think that makes it funnier because it makes me sound like an idiot. But I am an idiot. It's part of my charm, or at least I'd like to think that it is. When I get drunk I get random. Hell when I'm sober I'm random. This is a brief glimpse inside the mind of the man they call Scott "Iceman" Reck or Pookon around these parts. This is the stuff that is going through my head. Most times I just talk to myself out loud like a crazy person but the last few nights I decided to "write" those thoughts down. You're welcome. Are you not entertained? You will be. You... Will... Be...

What is it called Taco Bell for sale? Why do they call it 4th meal? It should be every meal. That s*** is so good I could probably eat it everyday until I die. Of course invited every day I probably would die. I don't think that food is good for anybody especially not Jesus in the Dalai Lama. I had a dream does Locos Tacos - it's basically a taco inside of Doritos. I'm pretty sure my mom invented that at the Rec Christmas party. We have these things called walking tacos. You open up a tiny bag of Doritos and put all of the toppings in there. My mom was doing this long before Taco Bell started doing the tree does thing. I wish I could sue Taco Bell, be like hey you stole my mom's idea you bastards. But I'm probably sure that I'd lose that case even if I the best lawyers that $10 can buy. Because its face it, that's all the money I have to my name. But that's enough money to buy Doritos Locos Tacos. 

Los Locos kick your face. Who is a visit no from Short Circuit? Los Locos take your balls, Los Locos take your face, Los Locos kick your balls into outer space or something like that. Johnny 5 said it was he was all like games turned up any had like a mohawk in like spray paint stuff. Hey Johnny if I was b***** do specially when he had the guy from Spinal Tap trying to sell them for money. Did Steve Guttenberg totally bailed on the sequel? Hey man, like the Breakfast Club chick. Was Allie Sheedy in those movies? I don't like Molly Ringwald. Was maybe that's why I'm thinking of Molly Ringwald not in Short Circuit. But that's Indian dude was. I saw him in another movie. Fisher Stevens. He was Iggy, one of Koopa's nephews or something in the live action Super Mario Brothers movie. I was like hey, I know that f*****. He's the guy from the Short Circuit. The knot Steve Guttenberg guy. 

I wonder what happened to Fisher Stevens. Sometimes I lie awake at night worrying about if you have enough money to pay his bills and I think to myself is there a help Fisher Stevens pay his bills fund? If so, can I contribute? Only make it take to buff minimum wage but I have enough money to help him out. You brought me so much joy with his portrayal of Bend Jenna have free, wait, that's not his name in Short Circuit 1 he was Ben jajaja b**** to a (Ben Jabituya) then Short Circuit 2 his name was Ben job very (Ben Jahveri). Did he get married in between Short Circuit 1 & 2? Or did he just changed his name because people thought he was a terrorist? I mean after all Short Circuit 2 did put take place in New York City. And we all know what happened with terrorists in New York City even though its Short Circuit 2 was in 1988. Maybe he was scared that he be connected with the bombings. I don't know maybe that's why he is in hiding. All Fisher Stevens you can come out now. Olly Olly oxen free.

A lot of people disappeared and I'm not just talking about Jimmy Hoffa or a Millionaire hurt (Amelia Earhart). What happened to Chunk? The truffle shuffle was dynamite. Where did he go and what about Pugsley from The Addams Family? Where the hell is that kid? I want to party with him. I want to go fishing with Hoggle from Labyrinth. I wonder what the catch of the day was. What who also loves David Bowie's package? Its like staring into the Sun - you know that you should not be doing it but you can't look away. It's mesmerizing. The package is on display like a day after Thanksgiving special at the mall. They run advertisements for the day before; doorbuster specials. You have no power over me. I'm not gay, not to do anything wrong with that. What were they thinking, allowing David Bowie to walk around showing off is moose knuckle? Kids R kids are watching. You're not supposed to learn about that stuff until sex ed when a king giggle at packages. I mean there it is! Wrong, Sir! Wrong! Under section 37 B of the contract signed by him, it states quite clearly that all offers Shelby come no invoice if - you can read it for yourself in this photo staff a copy: I, understand, shall forfeit all rights, privileges and license is here in and herein contained, etc, etc... sex mentis incendium Gloria call Tim, etc, etc... memo bis put or the custom! It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal! You stole fizzy lifting drinks! You bumped into the ceiling which now has to be washed and sterilized. You get nothing! You lose! Good day Sir! I said good day!

How about that Jennifer Connelly? In that slick she was my first crush. You probably think its weird cuz in this movie she was under 18. Hey I thought you was 18! I coulda swore you was 18! But in a weird way its okay because she was like 16 when she made this movie and I was like 9 when I first side it. As for me looking at her now in this flick its kinda wrong but I still like it. I loves me some Sarah. Ludo is dumb; doesn't smell bad. Sarah smells good. Does fire dudes want to pop off her head? I wanna pop something else if you know what I mean. I'm sorry that's just wrong, but how could it be wrong if it feels so right. I wanna marry a girl like that. Sara is always like, its not fair. You damn right it's not fair. Not fair that I can't get a crack at that p****. The trick is always like playing with toys and stuff and like didn't want to grow up. I'm like b****, I got a toy you can play with. That's so awful. It's like a kids movie man. I shouldn't be saying things like that. Come inside have a cuppa tea. Don't go that way. Give you a gun that way, it goes straight to my pants. You want to know what's at the center of the Labyrinth Sarah? My dick. 

Lose that little fox a****** riding around on a dog? I guess that makes sense. What the hell a fox ride? Fox can't ride a horse. Fox cant ride a go kart. Is a fox going to ride the city bus? There's no city bus in a Labyrinth. So Fox has to ride the dog. What's his name, Sir Didymus? What's the dogs name, Ambrocious? Damn this thing knows Didymus and Ambrocious? This thing is smarter than probably me. Chris, doesn't take a lot to be smarter than me. I'm just some drunken a******.

This is my mind on booze. Its like the She's All That chick Rachael Leigh Cook commercial where she's like this is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. Then she smashed the s*** out of the f****** kitchen. Even though she was angry there, I'd still do her. I've loved her since The Babysitters Club movie. Yeah I watch that s***. Don't judge me. Then she was in that Tom and Huck with Jonathan Taylor Thomas. You know, the little Simba f*****. And Tool Times' middle child. And Josie and the Pussycats is like one of my, what do they condos - guilty pleasures? Alright I gotta go, Tony Plus style. I didn't mean to take up all your sweet time, I'll give it right back to you one of these days. Because I'm a Vudu child, Voodoo child, Boo boo child. Lord knows I'm a boo do child.

 - pookon -

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email: pookondotcom@gmail.com
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Drunken Live Tweet - The Goonies - "Goonies Never Say Tweet"

There are certain movies that will always be iconic classics to you and you will never feel any differently about them, no matter what anyone says. For me The Goonies is right up there on top of the list. I know that a lot of people feel the same way because my generation holds this movie in such high regard. And rightfully so they should. It really is a perfect movie. It has action, drama, comedy, adventure and some pirates thrown in the mix as an added bonus. Most movies that you adored as a child end up not being so cool when you watch them as an adult, but The Goonies is not one of those. I know that I have watched it a couple hundred times and I am not exaggerating. There are so many lines and scenes that I could act out on my own if need be, so just quiz me the next time you see me. But make sure that you are ready to take on one of the roles and be a member of my gang of Goonies. I'm Chunk so you can't be him. Anyone else is fair game I guess instead of Mikey. Jenny is Mikey. Yes I know that she is a girl and that he is a dude, but we are talking works of fiction here. Didn't guys used to play girls in old Shakespearean plays back in the 1600's? Then why is it weird that in the 2000's that a chick plays a dude? Why don't you stop asking questions and instead watch the actor disappear inside the character. So come join along with me as I got drunk one night, put on The Goonies again and Live Tweeted my thoughts as they came pouring out of my head. This was my favorite Live Tweet session so I hope that you get as much enjoyment out of it as I did. If you've seen The Goonies then you should be able to follow along with what I wrote and picture the movie in your head. Or you could always put the movie on and read along with my Tweets. Either way you're in for some pretty good drunken randomness. Enjoy.

I'll admit it - I'm one of #TheGoonies. I've been one my entire life and I'm proud to admit it. I wouldn't have it any other way.

If I was one of them, I would have to be Chunk. I have a penchant for Hawaiian shirts, pizza and Baby Ruth. #TheGoonies

If I had to truffle shuffle to get into my friend's house I would never go there. That fucker isn't my friend. #TheGoonies

Mikey has a more complex gadget system on his front lawn than Pee Wee Herman's house or Doc Brown's lab. #TheGoonies

I don't blame Mouth for incorrectly translating to Rosalita. Fucking with foreign people is a hell of a good time. #TheGoonies

It's no fair that Mikey has all that cool historical shit in his attic. I never even had an attic. Or rich stuff. #TheGoonies

Chunk said all they had in his attic was old Hanukkah decorations. Funny, I didn't know his last name was Levistein. #TheGoonies

Astoria, Oregon is the coolest town ever. #TheGoonies lived there and John Kimble was the Kindergarten Cop. I'm moving there.

They call their neighborhood the Boondocks, also known as "The Boonies." Um, next to he ocean is not the middle of nowhere. #TheGoonies

I totally am Chunk. My "go to" submission move as a child was to sit on people. That's all that I had. #TheGoonies

Brand did 376 lawnmower jobs just to get that shitty bike? He needs to renegotiate his wage. That's basically slave labor. #TheGoonies

Brand needs to take the training wheels off that bike. And take off his training bra too. He whines like a little girl. #TheGoonies

Chunk says when his stomach growls there is trouble. He has his own personal Spidey Sense! Chunk is my hero. #TheGoonies

I always wanted to go on an adventure with my friends. But surviving in my neighborhood was an adventure. I'm from the streets. #TheGoonies

Mama is one scary ass bitch. In this movie and as Danny DeVito's mom. I too would have thrown her from the train. #TheGoonies

Chunk wants to give up on the pursuit of One Eyed Willie's rich stuff because it's dinner time. Yep. It's official. I am Chunk. #TheGoonies

Of course the Asian figures out how to make counterfeit $50 dollar bills. Asians can figure out everything. #aLittleRacist #TheGoonies

Murderers are after him, a monster is chained up in a room, there's a dead body + all Chunk cares about is ice cream. My hero. #TheGoonies

They should have called the Mario Brothers to help with those pipes. They are plumbers you know. Amateurs. #TheGoonies

Chunk pushed his sister down the stairs + blamed it on the dog. Once I farted on the set of Blue Lagoon + blamed it on the dog. #TheGoonies

Chester is the greatest name ever. But Chester Kurutz is 2x the man Chester Copperpot ever was. #TheGoonies

I once saw #TheGoonies at a midnight screening in Minneapolis. I so wanted to drop fake vomit from the balcony. Just like Chunk.

Chunk wanted to play the violin. I wanted to play the piano, trumpet, saxophone, trombone, french horn and guitar. I did. #TheGoonies

If I had a chance to take back my wishes and dreams I would. Because none of them came true. Dreams are bullshit. #TheGoonies

Goonies never say die. Which is why I was so afraid to say it 7 months ago. But I'll never say it. He still lives in me. #TheGoonies

Sloth believes in the 5 second rule. He broke out of his fucking handcuffs to get that Baby Ruth off of the floor. #TheGoonies

Data is one crafty motherfucker. Pinchers of peril. Setting booty traps. Slick shoes. Bully blinders. #TheGoonies

I've got you now One Eyed Willie. Is that really something you want to say out loud kid? #aLittleGay #TheGoonies

If I was Mikey I would have slipped Andy the tongue. But I'm Chunk so I ate up all the snacks. #SexyTime #TheGoonies

I missed this. Bats come out and scare the shit out of them, but none of them have a lament or are counting? I call bullshit. #TheGoonies

Andy kind of looks like Hermione Granger. So my "magic wand" is going all wingardium leviosa right now. #TheGoonies

How ironic would it be if Mikey grew up + got caught in a "Booty Trap" for soliciting an undercover cop posing as a prostitute. #TheGoonies

Andy plays piano. Listen to the radio. Don't you remember if you get the wrong note, we'll all be flat. #MusicHumor #TheGoonies

I've been to Noah's Ark in the Dells a few times and I don't remember a water slide that ended with a pirate ship. #TheGoonies

So One-Eyed Willie only has one eye? That's like rain on your wedding day. Or a free ride when you've already paid? #ironic #TheGoonies

The one that they call Mouth is also the one who is able to fit it all in there. #aLittleGay #TheGoonies

If I am Chunk then I am still waiting for my Sloth to swing in and yell "Hey you Guys!" and save the day. It'll happen. #TheGoonies

Momma dropped the shit out of Sloth. That's why he ended up looking like that. Let that be a cautionary tale to future mothers. #TheGoonies

The kids meet up with their families and we get the old reunion bullshit. Where's the discipline? Where's the grounding? #TheGoonies

If I found some jewels in my bag then I would assume that I switched teams. One Eyed Willie got me. In my face. #TheGoonies

Ok. So they disobeyed their parents but in the end they saved the day. Do we punish or praise? #TheGoonies

That's why I kind of never want kids. You don't know what to do. Should I be proud or be upset? It's a challenge. #TheGoonies

I guess I want kids. I want them to go through the same shit i did. Have adventures. Fuck shit up. #TheGoonies

My life has been an adventure. Time to turn the page. To a new chapter. I need to live vicariously through my kids. #TheGoonies

The movie is just under 2 hours but the adventure lasts a lifetime. Goonies fo' life. That's what the kids be sayin'. #TheGoonies

If my kids are half as cool as me then I did a good job. Because they would have grown up with the classics. #TheGoonies

I could probably watch The Goonies again today and say some completely different things about the movie. That's the beauty of it. But on that night when I loaded up on the rum these are the words that flowed out of my brain and to the Twitter for the entire world to see. I'm not one of those people who keep their thoughts bottled up inside of their heads. Oh no, I will tell you all about them whether you like it or not. I love drunken Live Tweeting movies. It's a boatload of fun for me and I hope to do it again soon. I have a short list of 80's, 90's and 00's classics that I am prepared to send up in grand fashion on a rum-fueled night, so make sure you pay close attention to my Twitter account and this here blog for those episodes if you find this sort of thing amusing. And if you don't then you can't be in my rag-tag group of Goonies. It's your choice really. I suggest you think long and hard about which side you want to be on when the Revolution begins. If you aren't so sure about which side to choose remember this - Goonies never say die.

 - pookon -

www.pookon.com
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