Words can't even explain how creepy and wrong this is. Who #hashtags a kids movie and talks shit about it while drunk? Me I guess. That's what I do on a Friday night. And this is why I'm still single. And this is also why I have problems. I didn't intend to Live Tweet the Disney/Pixar movie Finding Nemo. I made one comment on my Twitter account and it just kind of snowballed from there (as it often does when I'm drinking whiskey). All of the sudden it's 1am and I'm watching the thrilling conclusion of one of Pixar's finest movies.
It's ultimately the story of a boy and his Dad and the grand adventure that they share. They each go on a separate voyage in the great big sea but it is all confined within the same story (although they didn't know it at the time). I'm sure that when they look back (assuming that Nemo isn't horribly scarred from this tragic event) they will laugh and recount these fond memories. But what are these memories? What happened when Marlin was out #FindingNemo? I'm sure that you know them. You've seen the movie. You've probably even seen it several times. So you you what you think about it. But have you ever wondered what I think about #FindingNemo? Oh you have? Well then my friend you have come to the right place!
The following is a series of tweets that I sent out from my Twitter account (@pookondotcom) on Friday January 30. Despite this seeming like a shameless attempt to gain new followers by promoting the shit out of myself, I beg you not to waste your time on this nonsense. That is unless of course that you like nonsense. I have plenty of it to go around. I learned long ago that I can't stop myself from being myself. Unfortunately social media has given me an outlet to be myself to the whole world. This is quite possibly the worst thing to ever happen to the World. OK, so maybe I'm being a little over dramatic. But I'll let you be the judge of that after you read my tweets about Finding Nemo.
It's ultimately the story of a boy and his Dad and the grand adventure that they share. They each go on a separate voyage in the great big sea but it is all confined within the same story (although they didn't know it at the time). I'm sure that when they look back (assuming that Nemo isn't horribly scarred from this tragic event) they will laugh and recount these fond memories. But what are these memories? What happened when Marlin was out #FindingNemo? I'm sure that you know them. You've seen the movie. You've probably even seen it several times. So you you what you think about it. But have you ever wondered what I think about #FindingNemo? Oh you have? Well then my friend you have come to the right place!
The following is a series of tweets that I sent out from my Twitter account (@pookondotcom) on Friday January 30. Despite this seeming like a shameless attempt to gain new followers by promoting the shit out of myself, I beg you not to waste your time on this nonsense. That is unless of course that you like nonsense. I have plenty of it to go around. I learned long ago that I can't stop myself from being myself. Unfortunately social media has given me an outlet to be myself to the whole world. This is quite possibly the worst thing to ever happen to the World. OK, so maybe I'm being a little over dramatic. But I'll let you be the judge of that after you read my tweets about Finding Nemo.
I couldn't handle losing my wife and all of my kids (except one) in the first 5 minutes of the movie. #FindingNemo is fucking sad.
The other fuckers in the ocean give Marlin a hard time, but he's one tough ass fish. He's been through some real shit. #FindingNemo
Hands down the best part of #FindingNemo is when the baby fish falls off the sponge bed and cries. I love when kids fall down.
That little squid kid inks and then swims in it. What a nasty little bitch. Someone should tell the the EPA. #FindingNemo
Some ass jockey just up and steals Nemo. And people wonder why I don't swim in the ocean. Don't want to get stolen. #FindingNemo
Don't know if I'm Marlin or Dory. Probably both. I'm an non-funny clown who can't remember a God damn thing. #FindingNemo
I hate sharks. They straight up eat you. Who wants to be someone's dinner? I bet I don't even taste that good. #FindingNemo
If Jeffrey Dahmer was still alive, I bet he could tell me what I taste like. What? #TooSoon? #FindingNemo
But these sharks go on a dolphin hating rant. I can get behind that. Dolphins think they're so smart. Smug ass bastards. #FindingNemo
Fish are friends, not food? Apparently those sharks have never been to Milwaukee on a Friday night. #FishFry #FindingNemo
This shark needs an intervention because he wants some of #THATMEAT!?!? Why stop when it tastes so good? #FindingNemo
Worst part about what I'm doing right now? Hashtagging a kids movie and saying these awful awful things. #FindingNemo
Bird blames the other bird for farting and then flies away? Hey pal - he who smelt it, dealt it. #FindingNemo
I didn't expect to be live tweeting #FindingNemo. But I also didn't expect to be unmarried at 33. Oh wait - yeah I did.
I have some real problems if this is what I do with my Friday nights. But it could be worse. I could be in prison like Nemo. #FindingNemo
Love that Jacques fella. He makes popping noises and scurries around. Foreigners are the best. #FindingNemo
Hitched a ride on the porcelain express? Been there. Every morning after a #BachelorParty... #FindingNemo
I'll admit I'm still a little afraid of the dark, so there's no way I'm going to the bottom of the ocean for a fucking mask. #FindingNemo
If I'm not deathly hungover tomorrow, I'm making P. Sherman at 32 Wallaby Way in Sydney, Australia my new pen pal. #FindingNemo
All I want in life is to be part of a ragtag group of outcasts forced to spend a confined space together. #FindingNemo
I wish my voice was half as sexy as Brad Garrett's or Patrick Warburton's. #FindingNemo #aLittleGay
Other best part of the movie - John Ratzenburger as the school of fish when one fish walks the plank of the Pirate ship. #FindingNemo
It's the little moments in this movie that kill me - why Ted here has relatives in Sydney. "Sure do!" #FindingNemo
I just told my cat we're live tweeting #FindingNemo. He said, "who is this we? Don't lump me in with you." My cat is a jerk.
I wish that I lived in a sea anemone and was used to stings. That way I wouldn't get hurt so much. Getting hurt sucks. #FindingNemo
Fuck a horde of jellyfish. Forming an unlawful assembly and putting the citizens in danger. They should all be destroyed! #FindingNemo
If all drains lead to the ocean, then I've been peeing in the ocean all night long. #FindingNemo
If you see a small opening, wedge a pebble into it. Maybe it's just me, but that sounds a little naughty. #FindingNemo
Norman Osbourne needs to stop making his cronies do his dirty work. But he's rich. I guess that's what rich people do. #FindingNemo
Marlin wakes up passed out on the back of a righteous sea turtle. Some fish have all the luck. So not fair. #FindingNemo
Wish I woke up passed out on a turtle. But at least I never woke up passed out in the sewer or in a lion's den. #FindingNemo
Jelly Man is a sweet nickname. I'm lucky to be Iceman. And a security guard in Las Vegas once called me The Whistler. #FindingNemo
I headbutt my cat Korben Dallas all the time. There's no sweeter move than knocking heads with another life form. #FindingNemo
I want to scrape together some money and buy a shitload of baby sea turtles. Those creatures are the bomb. #FindingNemo
I wish a bunch of little sea turtles would gather and listen to my stories. I promise they're entertaining! #FindingNemo
Other best part of this movie is the Boston Lobsters talking about it being wicked daaaak. How's it goin' Bob? #FindingNemo
I'm Iike those seagulls every time I see a girl with hot totties - Mine! Mine! Mine! Except she's never mine. #sadness #FindingNemo
Marlin takes on 3 sharks and he's a hero. A girl takes on 3 sharks and she's a slut. That's not fair. #FindingNemo
Does @Disney have a water slide based on the East Australian Current in #FindingNemo? If not they should. They're sitting on a gold mine!
I want credit if @Disney now builds a water slide with inflatable turtles where you ride the East Australian Current. #FindingNemo
Just keep swimming... Just keep swimming... Is that a mantra for Dory or for sperm? #FindingNemo
And speaking of sperm, here's a sperm whale. Why is it called that? Has anyone ever stopped to question that? #FindingNemo
Is anyone else a little weirded out about a girl asking if you have seen her flow? Now that's just gross. #FindingNemo
Can't say that I've ever been inside a whale. Not even in college. #FindingNemo
Marlin says the whale is half empty. Dory says the whale is half full. Whose side are you on? #TeamHalfFull #FindingNemo
If I was up inside a whale I would never quit. Never give up! Never surrender! Get ejaculated from that whale! #FindingNemo
If the light is green, the tank is clean. The fish are incarcerated here in our custom made storage facility. #FindingNemo
But the light is red. The purple fish guy covers his nuts when the machine scans the tank. You can never be too cautious. #FindingNemo
Eaten by a pelican. That's not the way I'm going to go. I'm probably going to suffer from violent cardiac arrest. #FindingNemo
Hop inside my mouth if you want to live? Is that the #FindingNemo way of saying come with me if you want to live? #Terminator2
It's absolute chaos in the dentist's office. That's why I don't go despite having dental insurance. #FindingNemo
I can sympathize with Marlin. I've gone on many a quest only to find a dead fish at the end. #FindingNemo
Have you seen my Dad? And have you seen my baseball? #FindingNemo
I think that Dory just had Drunken Recall. Arnold Schwarzenegger had Total Recall. And Marlin has Nemo Recall. #FindingNemo
Swim down never works. I've been swimming down all my life and it hasn't gotten me anywhere. I'm bound to go belly up. #FindingNemo
I hate that everyone tells Nemo what he can't do. No wonder the kid was underdeveloped. Everyone is holding him back. #FindingNemo
I met a sea turtle once. And he was 150 years old. You know what that means? That Sandy Plankton was full of shit man. #FindingNemo
Like father, like daughter. Adult squid guy inks at the first sight of a shark. Way to keep it together pal. #FindingNemo
At the end of the day it's the story of a boy and his Dad. That's why I love it. It speaks to me. #FindingNemo
Where the fuck do these asshats think they are going in these plastic bags? They were better off in camp tivity... #FindingNemo
I want the end of my life to play out like the end credits of #FindingNemo. "Somewhere beyond the sea, she's there waiting for me..."
Got drunk and live tweeted #FindingNemo. One could say I'm channeling my inner @jimmylaw22 @BingeMedia #Pixar
Did you like that? Did you like what you saw there? You shouldn't. In fact you should be ashamed of yourself if you chuckled at any of these horrendous comments. Don't encourage me because then I might do this kind of shit more often. I encourage myself on a daily basis and I don't need any help pal. But thanks for the assist. Look, I'm sorry that I subjected you to this. But then again, you didn't have to read it unless you wanted to. My head is a twisted place. The only way I can stay "normal-ish" is to let the crazy out from time to time. And sometimes when I let that crazy out, I go after children's movies. It's better than going after children, right? And this blog post just took a real disastrous turn. And that is where I'm going to leave you. Go out and find your Nemo pal!
- pookon -
https://twitter.com/pookondotcom
https://www.facebook.com/MilwaukeeIceman
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