I haven't been writing on here lately and I'm betting some of you have been checking back here looking for my next episode of "7 in 7." The reason that there isn't a new one is because I'm still working on the last one. As you can see by the headline I have been a vegetarian for the past 18 days and aside from a couple of tough times it has been relatively easy to not eat meat. Just look at the cuddly animals and try to take a bite out of them. You can't because they are just so darn cute. I don't like my food to have a face nor do I want it to cry as I am chewing it. Sure, lettuce and potatoes are technically alive but as far as we know it they don't have a personality and look you in the eye and snuggle up next to you. Which makes me wonder something. I get the don't eat cows, pigs, sheep and chickens in the graphic but what kind of sick bastards are eating dogs, cats and parrots? I think foreigners eat dogs and cats but I've never heard of anyone chewing on parrot wings. Must be some kind of delicacy that I'm not aware of. After spending the last 7 years of my life in the company of Coach Gordon Bombay I couldn't imagine putting him in my mouth and washing it down with a cold beer. That just sounds wrong. And even though I'm not a dog person there's no denying that they have a personality and a spirit as well as an awareness of their world. It wouldn't be right to serve that up on a toasty bun, even if they had to go the Old Yeller route. They belong in the ground, not in your tummy. I don't get it, but I did find it funny in a way. And I also knew that I could say something about it. Because that's the point of Episode 1, right? To encourage myself to write more. I'm trying here.
Day 18 of being a vegetarian hasn't changed me one bit because I have gotten behind on my Episode 2 goal of looking like Jonah Hill. I haven't been working out as much as I had hoped and I'm in no better shape than I was a few weeks ago. I guess I'm eating healthier because I'm eating a lot more vegetables and not eating fast food because there aren't a lot of meat-less options. I bet if I met all 3 of my goals so far (writing, look like Jonah Hill and being vegetarian) I could land a chick like Australian model Sheridyn Fisher because I would be funny, fit fine and friend to animals. I think I'm going to email her and ask her out on a date the next time that she makes it to Milwaukee. Hey, it could happen! I'm a quasi-celebrity because of the beer pong documentary and the Brewers Sombrero thing so I should be able to land another celebrity. And an Australian too. The only thing that revs my engine like a girl who plays music and sings is a girl with an accent. I think I'm on to something here. Keep changing my life and somehow, someway, some beautiful girl will wander into my life and erase the loser tag that I've been carrying around for the last 30 years. Dreaming the impossible is definitely a reason to keep on going with my "7 in 7" challenges because apparently no one likes me for who I am now so I must become someone else. I guess I will still try to keep a couple pieces of the old me because I value my sense of humor and my dedication to the local sports teams but everything else can go. So if you are a single girl and reading this give me a holler and tell me what to change. I'm willing to be whatever it is that you like because the old shit wasn't working for you. And if you are a dude and are asking the same thing I'm sorry but I have to tell you for the last time, no matter what everyone is saying, I don't like dudes. Get that idea out of your head already. And whoever keeps spreading that rumor please stop already. You're never going to get anywhere making up lies. Trust me. I'm the lie master! If you asked everyone at work what my parents do for a living they would tell you that my Mom is a Ninja and my Dad is an Astronaut. Is that true? Hell no. Not everything you hear is correct. So stop playing telephone with the accusations and set me up with your hot sister/girl cousin/girl best friend already so we can all move on.
OK, I'll face reality head-on and come to the conclusion that I'll never land a chick like Sheridyn Fisher but don't you dare tell me that I will never land Natalie Portman. Yes, I understand that she is married to some dude not named Scott Reck and she has a baby with said dude. Oh and also don't point out that she is rich, famous, beautiful and an Academy Award winner that would never mingle in the same circles as me. But we are both vegetarians and we both love Star Wars. She might not like Episodes 1-3 (but that's OK because a lot of people despise them) but she can't deny the fact that she made some good money off of those movies and also introduced herself to a new generation of fans and furthered her movie career. She certainly garnered my attention although I fell in love with her on Mars Attacks! and Where the Heart is and then became absolutely smitten with her in Garden State. And the fact that she is a vegetarian just gives her a couple of more points in my book. Now I'm not going to be a veg-head forever, but I like to see it when someone does something for a reason. She's doing it for animal rights and apparently has been a vegetarian since childhood and I'm doing it to know what it's like, although if I ever meet Natalie I'd tell her that I was doing it for her because she is so inspiring. Or some crap like that. I have to be smooth like that if I'm gonna charm her pants off. But I wouldn't have to. She'd get one look at me and leave her husband. She can bring along her baby though. Although I'm not a fan of little humans I'd be willing to make an exception for her. I'd do anything for Natalie.
Eating vegetarian isn't hard as long as you are at home and can control what is going into your food. It has been easy for the most part because I eat most of my meals at home. I don't go out to eat much because I am single, sad, pathetic and weird. But a few times it has become an issue and I'd like to share that with you. My friend Aaron had a birthday last week and his family always goes out to Fuddruckers for dinner to celebrate. I don't know if you've ever been there but they have some of the best burgers ever. But since I don't eat meat I tried one of their Veggie Burgers, which was the first time that I ever had one. It wasn't bad and it kind of tasted like nothing, although I could have been masking the taste with all of the pickles, onions, tomatoes, ketchup and mayonnaise that I piled on there. Hard to taste anything when it is smothered with all of those condom-thingies. My first reaction was that it tasted like a garden but that could have been me just being an asshole about it. And speaking of being an asshole, when I ordered the cashier asked if I wanted bacon or cheese on my veggie burger. Um... hello! Don't people order these things because they don't eat meat or dairy products because they are vegetarian or vegan? I know you're a fresh-faced teen still living with his parents and working his first job but at least think a little pal. I was a little bit offended and even took to Twitter to voice my disgust:
I ordered a Veggie Burger at Fuddruckers. The guy asked me if I wanted bacon on it. Doesn't that defeat the point? #vegetarian
So that was cool I guess. A week ago I went out for trivia at BBC's and it was wing night but I obviously could not get the wings. That really sucked and I ended up eating some Mac N' Cheese but I had to ask them not to put bacon in it like they usually do. Sure bacon is amazing, but wouldn't someone order that because they don't eat meat? It was one of the only meatless options on the menu (supposedly) and it had bacon. It's a tough world for a veggie. Then this past Thursday I went to Subway for a sandwich and ended up getting a one with all veggies. Now I understand that a sammy is a sammy but I left feeling empty. I had cheese, lettuce, onion, tomato, green peppers, cucumber and mayo but I could taste the absence of meat. I wanted some kind of animal product on my bread but I'm not doing that now. Not eating meat is tough because it is so good. I miss it and now that I'm in over 2 weeks I can honestly say that it is a struggle.
The first week was easy and I breezed through it with no problem. I know that I'm all over the map here as far as linear time goes, but last Saturday night I went to the Admirals hockey game with my cousins and got nice and drunk. I slept over at Jenny Reck's house and when I finally left Sunday around lunch time I was craving something greasy to get me through my hangover. A gyro from Oakland Gyros would have fit the bill just right. I could even smell it from outside her house but I drove home without any of that Greek goodness in my tummy. The last challenge I had these past 18 days was when I was at the grocery store the other day trying to find some food to eat. I wanted some soup real bad and had to read all of the ingredients on the can because most soups include chicken broth or chicken stock. I had to instead limit myself to those that were tomato based soups and settled on veggie soup. It's not all bad, but I was really in the mood for some kind of noodle soup.
So I'm 18 days in and not too much is different. I'm still pining over impossible women, constantly poking fun at myself and defending my sexuality and trying to infuse everything I say with humor. If you made it this far congratulations. I will be starting a new challenge on Wednesday March 14 so make sure you check back for that one. I can't really promise anything else besides that because I don't really know what I want to do. Well, besides Natalie Portman. Hey-o! You thought that I would leave on a classy high note. You obviously have no idea where you are. Seek medical help, take a nap and then come on back so I can screw you up all over again. At least you will be in good company. I'm as screwed up as they get. But I know that you wouldn't have it any other way. You're a repeat offender on Pookon's Ill Blog so I know that something is working. When I figure it out I'll be sure to let you know. Or I won't. Whatever man. I'm over it. Derrick Turnbow once threw a fastball so fast it went back in time and struck out Babe Ruth. Look it up.
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