For me, it's always Fat Tuesday

Cause that's what kind of happens when you are fat. And no, I am not the dude wearing purple in this picture. It was one of the first pictures (besides woman flashing their titties) that I found when I did a Google Image search for Fat Tuesday. I see no reason to celebrate excess and why we get so excited about it. America is too fat to have holidays that celebrate eating and partying. But Mardis Gras has been celebrated for hundreds of years, so it's ok then, right? Wrong. We already have Thanksgiving (which probably came first and is more American) so why do we need this French shit still? Cause we love to eat and we love to party. USA! USA! USA!

I've reached critical mass. Literally. I can still walk around without needing a rascal and I don't need to be hoisted out of bed by a crane. And when I go to the beach they don't yell out "thar she blows!" and start hurling harpoons at me. But I'm pretty damn close. The problem is that I eat too much and don't exercise. I've always been a big person (as opposed to the "little people" celebrities in Hollywood always thank when accepting awards) but lately I'm spiraling out of control. I feel like I have an eating disorder because I keep on eating all the time when I'm not hungry. I've tried going on Hunger Strikes before, but those usually don't go well because whenever they end, I binge on all sorts of horrible stuff. And erase any progress I've made. I really don't even like comparing it to an eating disorder because I feel like I could just stop at anytime. I'm not addicted to food right? But then why can't I stop eating crap even though I know that it is bad for me?

Sometimes I do feel helpless, especially when I stand in front of the fridge at 3am when I should be sleeping. I know it's a terrible idea to eat, but I do it anyway. My weight is of big concern to me. It always has been. You probably never really hear me talk about it though because I don't mention it. It's not like I can hide being fat because even when you wear track pants and size 3XL shirts, you can still see that a person is large. In order to deal with it I developed a sense of humor early in life. I learned that people only really like the fat guy is if he is funny. I have a long list of comedians to thank for that including John Candy, Chris Farley and more recently Jonah Hill (whom I often get compared to). It's easy to hide your self-loathing and depression behind a fake smile and a joke. If people think that you are joking then they don't feel sorry for you and try to reach out and help. Kermit said that it's not easy being green, and I say it's not easy being fat. But the difference between me and Kermit (besides the fact that he needs a hand up his ass to be able to talk) is that he can't change being green, but I can change being fat.

I'm always going to be a bigger person no matter what I do. This is in no disrespect to my family, but we're built bigger than the average person. We even have a playful nickname to go along with our heavyness. We call it the "Kurutz Curse". And we try to do whatever we can to avoid being another victim. But thanks to Nana Meals (which I hate to knock because we can no longer have them) and my inactive lifestyle, I have become the very thing that I have tried to avoid. And although sometimes I feel like there's no point to improve my life because I don't plan on living past 50, I still have time to change. I'm only 28, which seems awfully close to 30. But 30 is the new 25. That means I've still got plenty of time to turn this robust ship around.

But I don't have too much time left. I believe that my weight is the source of a lot of my issues having to do with confidence and self esteem. And I have to get over that if I plan on living life. Take for instance the fact that I've never had a girlfriend. Kinda sad for a 28 year old to admit that, right? I've had plenty of girls that I've hung out with and loved, but although we hung out exclusively for months or a year at times, we never really took it to the next level cause I was always scared. And not scared of ghosts or anything, but scared of being loved I guess. I never understood (and to this day I still don't understand) why people like me. It's kind of hard for me to grasp the concept of it when I don't really like myself. So then it's easy for me to rationalize that I can't enter a romantic relationship with that doubt in mind.

This kind of thing didn't used to bother me cause I stay busy enough with family and friends (plus hobbies like this blog and pookon.com) that I'm used to doing things. And those times when I'm alone (like right now) I'm working on stuff like this that keeps my mind off of it. But it's times like when I hang out with people my age that makes me realize that perhaps I am missing out on a part of life that most people get to experience - dating, falling in love and getting married. I think about this often because I am 28 years old, and most of my friends are either married or engaged. Being the weird single guy in the group of couples is extremely awkward, which is why I usually just hang out by myself and eat and drink. And I think about things like this without taking action.

Which leads us to today. Today (as I've mentioned) is Fat Tuesday, the day before the Christian Season of Lent begins. I was raised Catholic/Christian, and although I don't go to church nearly as often as my Mom wished that I did, my upbringing in the Faith has shaped who I am as a person, and I will always be thankful for that. In Lent, it is customary to give up something and make a sacrifice for the weeks leading up to Easter. When I was a kid I used to give up candy or soda, but I don't remember ever doing it for the duration of Lent. I wanted to give up drinking this year (because I probably do it too much) but I decided against it because it's something that I really like to do. My Mom would certainly say then that that is definitely the reason why I should give it up. I am in no way addicted to alcohol (but they do say the first sign is not admitting it or some shit like that but I know I could go without drinking as I have done in the past) but it is a part of who I am. But what I will do is to make a conscious effort to limit when and how much I drink. Like for instance - don't get wasted on a Wednesday night when I have to be in at work at 9am the next morning. But enough about alcohol, because that is a whole 'nother story.

Coming up with a New Year's Resolution (which always gets broken) and a Lenten Promise (which doesn't last for the entire season) are the 2 times a year when I at least make an effort to change. The only problem is that it usually doesn't get past the inception stage. No action is taken upon this, and frankly I'm getting tired of my shit. I hate being who I am (besides my sense of humor and a few other personality traits I've developed over the years) and I feel like I could change that If I could figure out a way to change that. My biggest problem is motivation, and often I feel like I am all alone with this problem. That's probably because I never tell anyone about this shit. I have countless journals full of feelings and the greatest blog entry I've never posted with a list of 50 things that are true about me to prove it. That shit cuts just a little too deep for me to share with you because it is the God honest truth. No bullshit. But that's beside the point. Man I need to stop whining like I need to finish this entry. I just lack to motivation to do anything about it.

I am a member of a gym (Anytime Fitness) but I rarely go because I am embarrassed to be the fat guy at the gym. It sounds stupid because you would think that although it is hideous to watch me sweating all over the place and bouncin' around, I'm at least trying not to be fat, right? I should get some credit for the effort, right? It's then that I realize that this is all in my head and I have more issues than tissues. So if I have the time to sit around and bitch about my sorry excuse for a life, then I should have the time to do something about it. Instead of giving up something for Lent I instead will make a promise to myself to go to the gym to work out at least 3 times a week starting tonight. The hardest part is just getting there, because once I'm inside I actually enjoy working out and the satisfaction I get from it. But it's so incredibly hard to drag my fat ass off of the couch to go there. But once again, at least I am trying something.

So now this the part when I reflect over the past hour that I have spent thinking about this. And surprisingly I wasn't drunk when I wrote this debacle on here, which is a departure from the usual. I guess that it means that it is something that I really care about and want to make a conscious effort to work on, but I'm going to have to say that I need your help. Mom always said don't use the word hate because it is such a strong word but I hate asking for help. I like to think that I am independent enough to do this kind of thing on my own but obviously not, because I have gotten progressively worse the last few years. I originally came up with this title last year around Mardi Gras because it seemed like a funny way to bring up a serious topic. And it took me a whole year to actually write these thoughts down.

Looking back on it (although right now I refuse to read what I have written) this entry isn't very funny. In fact it is pretty damn serious. That sucks. I'm not known for being serious. And if you are the select few to read this don't worry about the 1st things that come to mind like suicidal thoughts and depression and stuff like that. But trust me, it's not that serious. I can't see me getting to that extreme. Which is why I struggled about writing this down, and why I am struggling with actually posting this then sending you the link. I don't think that it's that big of an issue but I'll let you be the judge of that I guess. I don't really know where to go from here. So I guess I'll just let you process this information and we'll go from there.

I guess the reason I am doing this is that I don't want to die and I just want to be happy like everyone else. But I know that everyone is not happy. I guess I just want to be able to look at myself in the mirror every day and not be repulsed by what I see, inside and out. And unless I do something about it I'm just going to pass through life unfilled, no matter how it looks like from the outside. But I bet some of you already saw this thing coming. You don't have to have a crystal ball to tell you all or most of the things that I just said. I'm going to go ahead and stop typing before I burden you with all of the other crap that I feel is bothering me. Nobody wants to open up that Pantera's Box. Cause all you'd get is the Cowboys from Hell. It's always good to end on a joke... Helps to alleviate some of the seriousness that went on here. But should I really be doing that?


- pookon -

www.pookon.com
email: pookon.com@gmail.com

I just really want to be funny right now

I'm sitting here at work looking all goofy (I just shaved off my goatee for the first time in a year) and I feel like being funny right now. I know that I look funny, which is why I grew out the goatee for this first time in my life a few years ago. I had to go clean shaven for a while when I worked at the Pfister Hotel because they haven't changed their grooming policies since like when Theodore Roosevelt was president. That was real rough, cause I hate shaving. But last night, I just got hot and shaved my head and face. I'd blame the alcohol ($2 long island ice teas at Landmark last night) and the nachos and cheese sauce, but I guess in this case I have no one left to blame but myself. I just kind of felt like it. So now I have to go around looking like a 15 year old boy but not hot, and letting people make fun of me. But if I look good and the chicks dig it, then maybe it wasn't such a bad thing. The chicks didn't dig me before, so I guess there's no harm in trying something else.

My main reason for posting today was to break up the monotony of Brewers stuff, because I really didn't want to talk shit about Prince Fielder's gangsta ass starting street brawls in the dugout. Everyone from my boss, the ESPN, to your Mom is talking about that, and I just became the very thing that I hate my talking about it too. You tricked me into doing it. You played me like a fiddle. Touche. I really just have this undying need to be funny right now, but I have nothing humorous to say. I suppose if I concentrated and thought really hard, then I could think of something funny. I got it! I'll start talking about old people.

There's this old chick who sits next to me at work, and she always bitches and moans about stuff. One day, she was balancing her checkbook, and complained that she didn't remember writing a check for 12 dollars. I wanted to ask her if one of her grand kids had a birthday. When Estelle Getty (the old witty grandma Sophia on the Golden Girls) died a few weeks ago, I wanted to ask her to tell me some stories about what was it like working with her on that show. I told one of my co-workers that I wish she had a ceramic jar on her desk with Werther's Originals and butterscotch hard candies. Every now and then, she gets all worked up and needs to take her medications to calm down. Then she starts popping those pills like they were skittles. I just wish I had the nerve to ask her if she was tasting the rainbow.

There's this other chick up North who was being a real Nancy while we were trying to play the Painted Ponies song (and others of that sort) around the campfire late at night on the last day of vacation. Quiet time wasn't until midnight, but she made us get kicked out at 11:30 pm. I've never been a huge fan of old people, but she gave me a reason to keep on being weirded out by them. On that day I vowed to never get old, and I also promised to learn Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It" on guitar so I can rage it at the fire pit next year. Hey Nancy - oh you're so condescending, your gall is never ending. We don't want nothin', not a thing from you. Your life is trite and jaded, boring and confiscated. If that's your best, your best won't do. Any of those 80's rock songs would work here, but I'd say let me help you outta your chair....grandma!! Hearing unknown voices... laughing insane!

But not all grannies are bad. There's this other chick who swims across the lake everyday, and in my opinion, lives a pretty sweet life. She recently remarried, and in a drunken stupor one night I boldly proclaimed that I'd go for some granny lovin' if that meant free rent. It wouldn't be all that bad, since I'm down for waking up at the crack of dawn, 4:00 pm dinners at Ponderosa or Old Country Buffett, watching Matlock and the History Channel, and afternoon naps. Grandma's are pretty sweet, and I'd totally give up my hard core party lifestyle to go to the casino to play bingo, go to church meetings, and get ice cream with the grand kids. It'd certainly be a lot better than the kind of shit I'm doing right now. It would be like retiring, but still being young enough (27) to not be old and be waiting on death's doorstep.

I guess I already kind of look old. In that picture up above, I kind of look like Michael Chiklis from the Commish, the Shield, and the Fantastic 4 movies. Since he's 45 years old, that makes me look old enough to be hanging out with 65 + year old chicks, so I guess then it is ok to be granny lovin'. Why in the hell am I sitting here trying to rationalize granny lovin' for free rent and dollars? From all of the stuff I listed above, it really sounds like a pretty freakin' sweet deal to me. If Michael Chiklis, arguably one of the most badass people in the world, can do some granny lovin', then why the hell can't I? I'd like to note for the record that Chiklis doesn't do granny lovin', but hey, nobody's perfect.

If you can think of something on the contrary, then feel free to leave your comments in the appropriate section below. Not enough people read/comment on my ramblings here, so I don't know whether or not you agree/disagree with me. I know that I'm right, it's just a question if you believe me.

So don't knock granny lovin' until you try it. I'm seemingly all for it, because it sounds like an easy out of this crap I'm in right now, but let it be known that things are not always as good as they appear to be. I haven't tried granny lovin', cause I'm all talk and no game. Before people get all uppity on my case over this posting today, it was just a stupid idea that came to me in a drunken stupor one night after too much S-ing the B (slapping the bag of boxwine) up on Kurutz's Kourt. I apologize for any geriatrics that were harmed (fell and broke a hip and couldn't get up) in the making of this blog, and I also apologize for my attitude towards senior citizens. Because, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, they can still serve a purpose. After all, someone needs to come on down and be the next contestant on the Price is Right.

- pookon -

http://www.pookon.com/

email : pookondotcom@gmail.com

Don't Worry

Somebody told me this today and I thought I'd pass it along to you.

There's no sense worrying in life. There are only two possible stages that you can be in - you can be well or you can be not well. If you are well, then you have nothing to worry about. If you are not well, then 2 things can happen - you can get sick and you can die. If you get sick, you will get better and no longer have to worry. You can't worry about death because two more things can happen - you can go to heaven or hell. If you go to heaven, everything will be alright so you will be well. If you go to hell, you'll be too busy shaking hands and reaquanting yourself with people in your life that you won't have time to worry. So in the end, everything works itself out so there is no point on worrying over silly things.

There's a reason that Bobby McFerrin clicked, whistled, beat boxed, scat sang, and replicated instuments in his song Don't Worry Be Happy - he wanted to get a message across in the most enjoyable form possible : through song. Too often I come into work at the beginning of the work week with an immediate Case of the Mondays, which is more my fault that anything. I should think of Monday as being just 4 days from Friday, and since I do not work this coming Friday (June 13th) I have a 3 day weekend. Essentially, that makes today (Monday) actually my Tuesday, so I have absolutley nothing to complain about today. I certainly could find something, but then I would be activly seeking out things to be upset about, and it would be 100% my fault for my bad mood since I chose to do it. Funny how that stuff works out. Sometimes it just takes a kind sole on the other end of the phone (or the internet) to remind you of all the good things in life instead of allowing yourself to focus on the negatives. Life is so much sweeter when you have nothing to worry about and you can just kick back and enjoy it. Take care my friends.

- pookon -

www.pookon.com

email : pookondotcom@gmail.com

Get me Outta Here

I'm a little bitch cause I whine and complain about shit but don't do anything about it. This is a picture of me at work whining about my job and how much I dislike it. Without getting into too many details, I don't really like the customers that frequent our company's resources. Randall in the movie Clerks said it best, "This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers." Amen brother. I can mostly deal with people. Even stupid people. It is true that there are no stupid questions, only stupid people, so I understand that I have to answer the same questions every single day. Since I'm quite used to that, it's time for me to stop bitching about that shit. If stupid people didn't have questions, then I wouldn't have a job because my job entails answering questions. I've come to peace with that nonsense. Now that I've resolved that issue, I still need something to bitch about. Thankfully I have my hours. I work from 1:30 - 10:00 pm 5 days a week (including alternate Saturdays.) Bascially, this means that I cannot work the majority of the Brewers home games, but I also am unable to watch the majority of the away games. This really sucks, because I have been able to do that since 2002 when I started working at Miller Park. Since there are no opportunities for advancement at my current job (although I just speculate on that, I never actually checked it out) I have to deal with it or find a new job.

I hate starting a new job. I hate dressing up nice, acting professional, pretending to care about work, making new friends, learning a new system, and all of the bullshit that comes with starting a new job. I've had lots of jobs in my life, but the ones that I liked I stayed at for a long time. I have been working at Miller Park since 2002. I worked at UWM from September 2002 - May 2007. I worked at AMC/General Cinema Mayfair Mall for 3 years. I don't really like change. I've settled into this job, and although there are plenty of negatives, I just really don't like change that much that negatives can't force me to do something about it. Well, besides bitching of course. So I'll just sit here in my cubicle and type up some rant on my blog. At least I have the time to do that. If I wasn't granted access to the Internet, then I'd surely be up out of this bitch. Sooner or later I'll have to do something about it, because I need more dollars if I'm ever going to move out of my Mom's house. (Note to readers - I do not live in my Mom's house, and haven't since 2002. I just did that for dramatic effect, which I have now ruined thanks to my explanation.) But I really do need more dollars because I need a car and need to buy things for my future girlfriend (cause ugly people need money for girls to like them.) This job just isn't paying me enough, but to be quite honest, I do not do enough work for them to necesitate giving me more money. So I guess once again I have come to the conclusion that I just shut up and stop bitching. Sounds easy enough, no? But I won't do it because I just don't really like change.

- pookon -

http://www.pookon.com/

The Absence of a Dream

I had a conversation with who I think was my Guardian Angel. No, I wasn't drunk or fast asleep, I was awake and sober, and I was at work talking on the phone. At my job, I do nothing but talk to people all day from around the country. One day, Richard from Kene, NH called me up and talked to me for over an hour, and absolutely none of it had to do with his vacation reservation. He asked me about my life, my opinion on God, what career goals I had - it was all some real philosophical shit. I mostly listened to him babble on (he revealed that he had been drinking heavily, and it was only 12:30 pm Eastern time, which is why I know he had the potential to be my Guardian Angel) but I did get to stick a couple words in there. He asked a question that baffled me, and to be honest with you, I didn't really have an answer.

His question was: What is your dream?

My answer was: I don't know.

I at least kept it a bit ambiguous so that I didn't have to tell him that I didn't have one. Basically speaking, there is no reason for me to keep on living. There's no goal I'm working towards, there's nothing monumental that I want to accomplish before I die, and there's really no purpose in my life. He wouldn't allow me to get by with out revealing my dream. I don't know just wouldn't do it it for this man. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I really don't have one. For the sake of the conversation, I made one up.

It was this - my dream is become a professional Beer Pong player. I want my life to follow the same path as Coop and Reimer in the movie Baseketball and move from the basement/attic and into the stadiums and hearts of America. I want to become famous and get paid to do something that I love to do. Sure, my sport may end up killing me someday, but wouldn't it be sweet to go out in the championship game after hitting a kill shot? My body may expire, but my status as a legend will never die. That was the best that I could come up with.

When I got off the phone it got me thinking. I really don't have any long term goals or dreams. I wake up every day and do the same G-Damn thing. My life has become monotonous and scripted. That's what working a steady schedule will do to you I guess. But it shouldn't be like that. Whatever happened to my inner child (J.P. from Angels in the Outfield - yes my inner child is a African-American foster child) who used to always say, "hey, it could happen!" I used to believe that anything could happen, but then something did happen - I grew up and met reality. There still is a bit of flexibility, because if you work hard and don't take no for an answer, you really can accomplish almost anything. I've never been a hard worker, so I just kind of accept what's going on and deal with it. My mindset has never allowed me to dream or set long term goals, which is why I didn't have an answer then and I don't have an answer right now.

I guess it's rough that there is nothing that I am working towards, but I am too short term orientated to think beyond a few months. I personally love to just do whatever I want and make things up as I go along. If I plan my life out in advance and set goals, I will always be working towards achieving something and will not allow myself to get off track. I don't know if you've ever stumbled off of the path, but some of the most memorable things that I have have ever done and seen have come along by accident. I like to be able to chose and not have any extraneous factors influence my decision. I try to be free to do whatever I want, but even now I can't make a decision without considering the outcome. I'm in no way tied down right now, but if I decided to leave Milwaukee, I would be leaving behind nearly every member of my family (brothers, sister, mother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) and all of the friends that I have. I would even be leaving my greatest love - the Milwaukee Brewers. I would have to make a ton of sacrifices to get out of here and try something new, but at what expense? I guess it would be tough to do it, but I guess when the time comes and a situation presents itself, I will make my decision. I'm always open to suggestions, but what's the point in planning ahead if you can't even see 1 second into the future?

Currently, I need to plan my life out at least 1 month in advance and go from there. My jobs and activities dictate my life and plans. Beyond that, I don't even know if I will still be working at my current job. Hell, I don't even know if I'll still be alive! I guess it is good to have a dream and work towards goals, but I've never been a big fan of doing so and I don't see that ever changing. But then again, my whole outlook on life may have changed by tomorrow. That's what makes life so exciting - nothing is set in stone and it's entirely unpredictable. We can try to forecast the future, but seriously, what's the point?

- pookon -

http://www.pookon.com/

Misery loves Three's Company

Because, after all - who doesn't? Some will say that two is a couple, and three is a crowd, but I think that comedy explodes from a crowd of close people who can play off of each other. Stand up is great, but situational comedy will always rule in my book because of the interaction between the characters. I studied human behavior and communication in college, and almost all of the discussions we had involved interpersonal communication. Communication is a two way street, and if more people occupy that street, things get a bit complicated. I started out trying to be funny (with the title of this post) but in actuality, I was trying to speak about a serious topic.

Misery. There. It even looks rough just sitting there. I know that it looks rough when I see it in the mirror every morning and every night. Sometimes I can catch it staring back at me in my computer monitor when I pull up a dark screen. Sometimes I even talk to the misery. I say, "Hi Misery!" Misery just stares back at me and says, "you're gonna be drinking early today." A few glimpses is all I get per day, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't exist when I can't see it. In fact, I think that I'm miserable so often that it is starting to be comical. Just give me a happy-go-lucky, no care in the world roommate (which is definitely not my current roommate Fresno Chris) and we'd have ourselves one laughable "odd couple" sitcom brewing right in my 2 bedroom apartment. Think off all the zany hijinks that would go on there! You'd bust a gut from all of the nonstop laughter. I don't even know why I'm so miserable anymore. I'm so pissed off at the world right now that I start to forget why I got so pissed off in the first place, and why I'm still all pissy.

I think I just like attention, and nothing screams attention more than being angry all of the time when you are usually jovial and grinning like an idiot. Everyone expects me to be laughing and goofing around, which is why I am never taken seriously. Sometimes it works in my favor, because I can say things and get away with it because no one would believe that I actually meant it. That has gotten me out of some sticky situations, but at the same time it's been a detriment because my opinion generally doesn't matter. Every now and then, I've got something good to say. I just wish that people would listen. It seems like people only pay attention if you're being funny. I personally think I'm hilarious, and I find it hard to be serious, but every once in a while I pull it together and act normal. You wait, I just might do it to you someday.

I initially started typing this entry on February 4 2008. Obviously, a lot has changed since then. I don't really feel all that miserable anymore. It might be because winter is almost over and spring time is just around the corner. Baseball is being played down in Arizona, but within a week, the Brewers will be back at Miller Park and the best 6 (hopefully 7) months of my year begin. Brewers baseball, beer, and good weather - how could anyone be miserable with that stuff going on? There's nothing left to be sad about one the baseball season kicks off. Oh what a difference a month makes. Let this be a lesson - things will always get better and don't let depression or misery get to you Artax, or else you'll meet your doom and end up at the bottom of the Swamp of Sadness.

- pookon -

http://www.pookon.com/

My stomach is a jerk and I just grew a conscience

I repeat, my stomach is a jerk and I just grew a conscience.

For some reason, this seemed to be funny to me on the day that my mind came up with it. From the looks of it, I came up with this statement on the 21st of February around 2:30 pm. Judging from that time stamp, I was at work. When I'm at work, I sometimes have a little time to myself to come up with ideas and add content to my blog and my website. On the 21st, I had a really good idea that kind of went nowhere because I most likely got busy on the phones. Today (March 5) was the first day I have picked this up since then, so now i have no idea why I wrote that. So what's the point of this article then? Because that statement was, still is, and will always be hilarious. I think that the word jerk is one of the best curse words in the English. It's not terribly damaging (like some of the more hardcore curse words) and it kind of sounds funny when you say it out loud, which takes away from it's impact, allowing you to laugh it off. Think about it -

"Leave me alone, you big jerk!" , "Thanks for nothing jerk!" , "Move it or lose it, jerk!" , "What the hell's a matter with you jerk?" , "You better watch it jerk!"

I can't say it without laughing. Maybe I just have a different sense of humor that the rest of you jerks, but I wouldn't trade it for all of King Midas' Silver. If I can make myself laugh over something as silly as the word jerk, then I've accomplished my goal.

Back to the meaning of my statement. Using the Wikipedia, Nicholas Cage, and the knowledge of "top" scientists who look after the Ark of the Covenant, we have decided that this cryptic statement means that I was hungry and my emotions were beginning to sway my decisions. In fact, after deciphering that message, it's all coming back to my. My stomach was growling like the Terror Dogs in Ghostbusters, and I was getting pissed at it. "What the hell were they doing in my icebox?" Probably stealing my food, and that's why I'm hungry. Egads! I've solved the mystery! I also recall that I was having difficultly charging someone with a penalty on their vacation package because they made a mistake. I wanted to waive the penalties, but I wasn't allowed to. It was one of the first times that I actually cared for one of our customers and wanted to help them out. Normally they just piss me off cause they are stupid and ridiculously cheap. On that day, at that moment, my heart grew 3 sizes just like the Grinch and I decided to be nice. But since it was not my call, I had to charge penalties, and I ended looking like a jerk for not caring. I don't know why I suddenly grew a conscience, but it certainly didn't look like Jiminy Cricket and it didn't sing a song for me. Man, movies are f-ing bullshit. That Cricket jerk.

- pookon -

http://www.pookon.com/

I've been a real asshole lately

So far, I'm starting of this new year with one hell of a bang. I've been really cynical and standoffish since my return from Las Vegas. To sum it all up, I just really don't give a shit about some things anymore. I tried giving up drinking, but I found that it made me even more of an asshole because I was angry that I wasn't drinking. My current attitude has started to affect my life because I am not talking to my best friend (Joey Kanz), won't give my Mom a call even though she's been sick in bed all of last week, and am not getting along with my friends and co-workers. Sooner rather than later I'm going to alienate myself and lose all of my friends. The worst part about it is that I really don't f-ing care, nor do I give a shit about it. My upside right now (career, relationships, life, etc.) is at its all-time highest potential and I'm so close to being genuinely happy. I don't understand why I would jeopardize my life by treating other people like shit. None of this really makes sense anymore. Well, maybe this will grow out like a bad haircut. I remember once when I went to SuperCuts and they cut my hair into a flattop like Drew Carey. If I would've been wearing black thick framed glasses, I could have yelled out Cleveland Rocks! and hosted the Price is Right. It was that bad. My siblings and my parents laughed at me, and all my 14-year-old self could do was yell back "shut up!" Those were some rough times.

Well, I guess I aired it out there for a second. Hopefully that helped me get over this little snafu. I guess I'll find out tomorrow when I get on the phones at work and the customers start belittling me and treating me like dirt because I work in a call center. I'll just tell them to deal with it then probably get in trouble because I'm not providing good customer service. Time will tell on that one. Well, I gots to go be mean somewhere.

Raer!

-pookon-

http://www.pookon.com/

I'm Never Happy with Perfection...

And no, I'm not talking about being pissed that Graboids rampaged my small Nevada town and that I needed to call upon Fred Ward and Kevin Bacon (not to mention the Dad from Family Ties) to save the day. No, I'm talking about what I have come to refer to as George Lucas Syndrome (GLS). Simply put, it is never being happy with the work that you did, so you constantly edit, alter and even sometimes add new things to previous works. It's named after Lucas because of his altering of the Star Wars Trilogy for the Special Edition release in early 1997. Then, when it came out on DVD in September of 2004., he once again added scenes and touched up the special effects. Here's why I have a problem with it. When he created the trilogy, they were perfect because they were the best that could have been done at the time. The limitations that he had make the film look like it was made in the late 70's/early 80's. Once you add scenes with today's technology, the CGI doesn't match up and it makes the old CGI look funny when before it just looked normal. Lucas should let his work stand as it was then, because there's no use trying to perfect perfection.

Ok, sorry about that. He is when I explain to you why that point matters. I've started something on my website that I have named Project Rebirth 2006. Basically, I'm going through every page that I have created and enlarging all of the pictures so that my entire site has a uniform look. While this doesn't sound like GLS, because all I'm doing is enlarging pictures, here's where GLS comes into play. I have to refrain myself from adding new comments or changing some of the things that I said up to 4 years ago. What I wrote then captures how I was feeling at the time and my writing style. That says more about me at the time that anything captured in the picture. Some things I regret writing, while others I feel like I should have said more. This is a difficult struggle because I don't want to be diagnosed with GLS because I am strongly opposed to it.

Project Rebirth 2006 will guarantee that everything is uniform in size, allowing the viewer to see the image with better clarification. If I stick to my principles, the content will remain the same. Although my standards of perfection have changed, what I viewed as perfect then still is perfect in that context. I will forever change my perfection standards as I become more knowledgeable over time, but I will never be perfect until I can allow my work to represent my maturity level at the time period in which it was created. So far I'm doing a good job at keeping my GLS in check, but time can only tell if my constant suppression of it will lead to an unstoppable explosion of change. Pray to whatever God you have that that day will never come.

Until then - check out the ongoing process of Project Rebirth 2006 at pookon.com

www.pookon.com

update on my life

Two months ago (on April 2) I posted some rather interesting comments about my situation at the time, which led to a bit of concern from the people who care for me and some random people who offered their thoughts on my state of emotions. Thanks to all who took the time to try and make me put it in perspective and make me realize that I'm not a bad person, I'm just a little uncertain about my life and maybe a bit too stressed out. There were many factors that played a part in this emotional outburst, from school, to my living situation, turning 24 and having no purpose in life, uncertainty about my future, financial difficulties, loneliness, etc. I'm one of those people who internalizes their problems and has no way of working them out until one day BOOM - like a volcano I just loose it and usually do something stupid. I've never really been too stressed out about anything because I always thought that all of those things really didn't have any effect on me, and I could just go on living without dealing with my problems. Things are a bit better now, I'm most likely going to finish this semester with A's in both of my classes, am financially stable at least for now, goin to talk with my academic advisor and set a plan for graduation, and most importantly I am going to be moving out of where I live now and am finally going to have my own bedroom and a space that I can claim as my own. I think that is a pretty big factor because everyone needs a place to go to get away from everything and just chill out and relax and take some time to figure out how to handle the situation. For 1 1/2 years I haven't had that luxury, so I taken to internalizing these difficulties when they arrive. I also started taking a look into Internet dating websites, trying to find someone out there for me. If you happen to come across this and have used them yourself, or know someone else who has, toss me a line at pookon@hotmail.com and give me some advice.

- pookon -

www.pookon.com