It's in My Head - #6: It's Out of My Hands

It's hard to not be in control. We like to keep calendars full of appointments, weekend plans and events to watch or participate in. We like to drive our own cars and make all our own decisions. But there's some things in life that are out of your control. And you struggle to accept it. You get angry, sad, confused and you might start questioning your beliefs. But hopefully you will eventually realize that if it's out of your control, you have to let go and let somebody else take it in their hands. 

Every year my Mom sings for this Walk to Remember event. It's a day of remembrance for people who have lost children for them to all get together for support, prayer, guidance or just to know that there's someone else out there just like them and that they're not alone. And some of the years I've gone with her to fly a kite. (I went into more detail about this last year when I featured this in a Pickle the Day article). It's a simple task so much to the point that a kid can do it. But it means so much. Written on the kite are messages of love from the families to their children that left them too soon. This kite starts on the ground and then flies up towards the heavens, taking these messages with them. It's an honor to be able to take part something like this. I don't know what it's like to lose a child, but I know what it's like to lose a close family member. I know it's not the same, but even for me it's a day filled with many different emotions.

In my head today was the thought that sometimes you just do the best you can and then trust that someone else is there to help you. I had one job - to put the kite in the air and leave it there until it's time to bring it down. But what if there is no wind? What do you do then? There wasn't a steady wind as it came and went as it pleased. Sometimes I could get the kite up for a couple minutes and sometimes it was only for a couple seconds. In order to get the kite to fly I had to let it go and trust that the wind would pick it up and take it where it needed to go. It was not within my control to make the wind blow. There was nothing else I could do but to believe. Sometimes I was disappointed that the wind didn't help me out. But did that ever stop me from trying? Of course not, because I still believed that if I put it out there, something else would grab a hold and help me out. But I did feel like a failure because I wasn't able to, on my own, keep the kite up in the air. It was out of my hands.

But what I realize now is that it didn't matter if I was in the air for 5 seconds, 5 minutes or 5 hours. It just had to be up there. It's one thing to believe, but sometimes it is important to see to have some visual representation of an idea. I give a lot of respect to those who can believe without having to see. I'm still not sure what I believe in. I don't know if I'm supposed to. But I do believe that I can't do everything on my own. Sometimes I still need my Mom to hug me and say everything is going to be OK. Sometimes I need Jenny Reck to just be there to lighten the mood and make me laugh. And sometimes you just have to let go and give it up to an unknown power and let it out of your hands. These are the things that are in my head. Even though it's my head, I still don't feel like I'm in control. They just come to me and I have to deal with them. But this is only my opinion based upon what's in my head. Do you agree with me or do you disagree? If you too have an opinion on this, I must ask - what's in your head?

 - pookon -

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Pickle the Day: October 7th - Let's Go Fly a Kite

Every year my Mom sings for this Walk to Remember thing at the Milwaukee Lakefront. I don't know how many years she's been doing it but I remember goofing around down there with Timmy because we were asked to fly the kite. After taking more than a couple of years off, I was asked to fly the kite for this memorial event. This time there would be no goofing around. The Walk to Remember is an event held on the first Sunday of October (which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month) by The Metro Milwaukee Affiliates of the RTS (Resolve Through Sharing) Bereavement Services. It is meeting with prayers, songs, words of hope, a walk and a kite flying for the families who have had babies die during pregnancy or shortly after birth. This was my first time going there after experiencing a loss in my life. When we used to tag along with Mom we screwed off in the parking lot or down by the lake while they were doing their prayer service. It's not that I don't care about other people, but the reason behind this event was so foreign to us. I felt weird being there around these people that I had nothing in common with. I know this sounds insensitive, but I used to think big deal, you lost a baby that you knew for like a few days (or 9 months in the womb). I was an idiot. I didn't understand. Even though I have lost the closet person to me in my life, I still don't understand. I don't know what it is like to create a life. I don't know what it is like to spend 3/4th of a year planning and preparing every day for a lifetime commitment of being a parent. I don't know about any of that and I doubt that I ever will. But unfortunately now I know all too well about loss. But I still don't really know how to deal with it.

The kite flying is a very important part of this memorial service. People write the names of their children on the kite or a brief message of love and the kite goes up in the air as a symbol of a connection between Heaven and Earth. Apparently this means a lot to people because they cut off pieces of the tail to keep as a memento of the day. This is how I came to fly a kite on Sunday, October 6th. This time I listened to the speeches. I closed my eyes and held back tears as my Mother sang the songs. I joined in on the readings and prayers. I saw the faces of everyone who was there. I grieved with them. They didn't know me. They didn't know I hadn't lost a child. I felt like an imposter but they treated me with such dignity and respect. I just flew a kite. That's how I saw it. But to them I was taking their prayers and messages and sending them up to Heaven. Anyone could have done it. It doesn't take a lot of skill or effort to fly a kite. But it wasn't just anyone who did it. It was me. I was given the task of delivering these messages into the sky. And I wasn't going to fail. But I couldn't do it on my own. We never can. I had to ask for a little help from the Man Upstairs and some kid I know.

It was in the low 60's and cloudy down by the lake and the wind was barely there. It couldn't have been more than 7 or 8 miles per hour. I don't know how much wind you need to get a kite up in the air and sustain its' flight. I'm no kite expert. But I do know that I was having difficulty getting the kite in the air today. With the clock ticking down to the arrival of the people walking in this memorial, I knew that I needed some help. I asked God (through my Guardian Angel Timmy as I often do) for a little wind. And I got it. Just in time too. As you can see in the picture above, I got the kite flying at a pretty respectable height. It was soaring in the sky as the people gathered after completing their one mile walk. It was carrying their messages of love (and a RFT that I snuck in there) during the prayers, songs and closing remarks. When it was time for the kite to come down so that people could take a piece of the tail home, the wind suddenly disappeared and the kite almost fell right into my arms. It was up in the sky for the exact amount of time that I needed it to be. No more, no less. I had done my job and every one there thanked me for flying the kite. Like I said, this is a big deal to a lot of people. Every day people ask for miracles or for God to show himself. God can't answer all of your prayers. He's always listening but every now and then you do get a response. I get it now. It's not just a kite. It is a connection to Heaven. I was on the ground, the kite was in the air and God and Timmy were up there. And for a brief moment in time I felt like a little kid and an adult all at once. Flying a kite is such a simple thing. But as I learned today it could also be so complex. Make sure to fly back over here tomorrow for another pickle. I've got a full jar of them just waiting to be shared.

 - pookon -

www.pookon.com
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