It's in My Head - #6: It's Out of My Hands

It's hard to not be in control. We like to keep calendars full of appointments, weekend plans and events to watch or participate in. We like to drive our own cars and make all our own decisions. But there's some things in life that are out of your control. And you struggle to accept it. You get angry, sad, confused and you might start questioning your beliefs. But hopefully you will eventually realize that if it's out of your control, you have to let go and let somebody else take it in their hands. 

Every year my Mom sings for this Walk to Remember event. It's a day of remembrance for people who have lost children for them to all get together for support, prayer, guidance or just to know that there's someone else out there just like them and that they're not alone. And some of the years I've gone with her to fly a kite. (I went into more detail about this last year when I featured this in a Pickle the Day article). It's a simple task so much to the point that a kid can do it. But it means so much. Written on the kite are messages of love from the families to their children that left them too soon. This kite starts on the ground and then flies up towards the heavens, taking these messages with them. It's an honor to be able to take part something like this. I don't know what it's like to lose a child, but I know what it's like to lose a close family member. I know it's not the same, but even for me it's a day filled with many different emotions.

In my head today was the thought that sometimes you just do the best you can and then trust that someone else is there to help you. I had one job - to put the kite in the air and leave it there until it's time to bring it down. But what if there is no wind? What do you do then? There wasn't a steady wind as it came and went as it pleased. Sometimes I could get the kite up for a couple minutes and sometimes it was only for a couple seconds. In order to get the kite to fly I had to let it go and trust that the wind would pick it up and take it where it needed to go. It was not within my control to make the wind blow. There was nothing else I could do but to believe. Sometimes I was disappointed that the wind didn't help me out. But did that ever stop me from trying? Of course not, because I still believed that if I put it out there, something else would grab a hold and help me out. But I did feel like a failure because I wasn't able to, on my own, keep the kite up in the air. It was out of my hands.

But what I realize now is that it didn't matter if I was in the air for 5 seconds, 5 minutes or 5 hours. It just had to be up there. It's one thing to believe, but sometimes it is important to see to have some visual representation of an idea. I give a lot of respect to those who can believe without having to see. I'm still not sure what I believe in. I don't know if I'm supposed to. But I do believe that I can't do everything on my own. Sometimes I still need my Mom to hug me and say everything is going to be OK. Sometimes I need Jenny Reck to just be there to lighten the mood and make me laugh. And sometimes you just have to let go and give it up to an unknown power and let it out of your hands. These are the things that are in my head. Even though it's my head, I still don't feel like I'm in control. They just come to me and I have to deal with them. But this is only my opinion based upon what's in my head. Do you agree with me or do you disagree? If you too have an opinion on this, I must ask - what's in your head?

 - pookon -

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