They say that everybody loves monkeys. Shit, I go to the zoo just to see the monkeys because they make me laugh. And why not? I mean they do acrobatics, swing from trees and throw their own poop. Monkeys always look like they're having a great time. Monkeys are like the goofballs of the animal kingdom. When monkeys start laughing and fall over I can't help but giggle and shake from my head down to my toes. And monkeys are cute too. Just look at Curious George, the curious little monkey. He was always getting into shenanigans and the Man with the Yellow Hat always had to bail him out. Oh George, you curious little monkey and the Man in the Yellow Hat would smile. Did that asshole have a name? How annoying is it to always call him the Man with the Yellow Hat instead of Bob or Steve or Dave. Seriously. Give him a god damn name. Wasn't his Mother supposed to do that? But I digress... Everybody loves monkeys. I thought I did and then I saw Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.
F*** monkeys. Seriously. Riding on horses, shooting guns, swinging through the trees, lighting things on fire and wait... they can talk too? Time to pack up my things and go home. Those aren't the kind of monkeys I love. But if those are the kind of monkeys that are going to take over the World, then I'm out of here. I always thought it was going to be the "Hey Hey We're the Monkees" that were going to take over the World. I think I could live happily in a World controlled by Peter Tork, Micky Dolenz, Davy Jones and Michael Nesmith. But those scary ass monkeys in the Apes movie? F*** that. I totally would have pulled a Gary Oldman and blown up the goddamn building. Kill them all!!! Burn in hell you monkey bastards!! No monkey talks back to me. I don't care if he walks around and knows how to throw a spear. Dude, if I say like, "Oh, it's really a nice day to walk in these woods" and then all of a sudden a monkey pops out of nowhere and says to me "Human, get out of my woods! You're not welcome here!" then I might just have to punch that monkey in the face.
I don't care if I'm starting a war. Seriously, who's going to win in a war of dudes against monkeys? I know the movie like already said that monkeys are going to win since we already know the future of these Planet Apes movies. We know that Charlton Heston is going to stumble upon these guys sometime in the distant future. And of course we all know he's going to drop down to his knees and yell out, "YOU MANIACS!! DAMN YOU!! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!" That's fine. That's where these monkeys can all go. I'm sure as hell not going to invite them over for my birthday party. "Hey mom - these are my friends. Walking, talking monkeys who want to eradicate the human species. Can they stay for cake?" And my Mom will be like, "I already have to deal with you and your sister acting like monkeys, now I gotta deal with real monkeys? And the kind of monkeys that want to take over the World and enslave the human population?" And then Mom will be like, "See you later bitches, I'm out." I doubt my Mom would actually say bitches, but you get the point.
The thing is, this is just a movie, but I'll be damned if I let this sort of thing happen on my watch. I'm not much into violence, but if an uprising of monkeys wants to start some shit, you damn well certain I'm going to finish it. No Monkey is above me on the food chain. I'll even prove it. I will kill a monkey, put a stick up his ass and roast him over the fire. Then I'm going to slather some barbecue sauce over his seared flesh, take a big ol' bite and yell out, "Who's eating who on the food chain now monkey? Planet of the Apes? More like Planet of the Grapes. Seedless!" And I don't even know what that means. All I know is that I got a mouthful of monkey meat. A mouthful of THAT MEAT! And I'm washing it down with the tears of your monkey wife and your monkey kids who are watching me eat you. Good God I'm a sick bastard. What happened here? I set out to talk about monkeys and now I'm eating them while their wives and children watch? I guess all it takes is some dystopian apocalyptic future in a movie to completely sway my opinion about one of the animal species that used to make me laugh. Who's laughing now monkey? That's just a small sample of the things that are going on inside of my head. As you can see, I'm not monkeying around. What kind of Monkey Madness is going on in your head?
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