I've had to start wearing belts lately and I don't like it. My pants just don't fit right. Talk about your first world problems. I know that I shouldn't even be wearing pants to begin with. Pants should be optional, and by optional I mean not necessary. But we live in a World that's not ready to deal with the pantsless man. But that's another story for another day. My pants don't fit right because I've lost a bit of weight. Not enough that you won't recognize me and be like, "Oh! Who's that sexy skinny man?" But it's enough that my pants don't sit comfortably around my waist like they used to and they are in danger of falling to the ground. So I have to deal with it. And that's where the belt comes in. But what if I don't want to wear a belt? What if there was another choice? Oh but there is. I could bring suspenders back.
But let's not kid ourselves. Suspenders never really went anywhere. You're probably thinking the opposite right now. Who was the last popular guy to rock the suspenders? For that we have to go back to the 90's. Remember that kid that used to hang out with the big guy Carl Winslow who loved cheese and used to say "Did I do that?" Of course you do. That kid was none other then pop icon Steven Q. Urkel. Some might call him a nerd, or a dork, or a loser. Whoever said that couldn't be more wrong. That kid had such a big heart and all he ever wanted was to be loved. By Laura, by Carl, by Eddie and by the millions of people that watched him on TGIF and in the afternoon in syndication. We already know that Harriette, Grandma Estelle and especially Myra, loved the shit out of him for the boy that he was and for the man that he was going to be. Steve was many things - a friend, a neighbor, an inventor, a lover and a suave gentleman (as Stefan Urquelle). But he was also a wearer of suspenders.
So that's why I'm bringing them back. The World needs suspenders just as much as it needs peace. But I'm thinking that I need them more. Pants need to stay up just like kids on Christmas Eve waiting for Santa. I know that I could rock some suspenders and look really good while doing it. It doesn't matter what I'm wearing. I could wear them with a polo shirt and khakis as part of my business casual attire at the office. They would go with a t-shirt and shorts ensemble that I don as I leisurely go about my day off. I could even wear it in conjunction with my Brewers attire when I attend a game at Miller Park. And in the bedroom I could be topless and the suspenders are the only thing keeping my pants on, which is sure to make the ladies squirm with anticipation. Without the suspenders, they would be getting the whole package. But I hold something back. With suspenders I could be the man that I've always wanted to be. Confident that my pants stay around my waist even in the times that they want to fall down. I would be classy and sophisticated, able to hold my own in enlightened conversations about the real issues concerning our nation's future. I would be stylish, yet reserved. My life would be forever changed. And I would have the suspenders to thank for it.
So what's the harm in bringing them back? What could possibly go wrong? They would hold up my pants and at the same time hold up my confidence. I'm at a crossroads in my life. I need this more than ever. This isn't just a fashion choice; this would be a lifestyle change. So the next time you see a robust and jovial man strutting around town wearing suspenders like he owns the world, pay attention to what he does. Because that man is me. And that man is somebody of great importance. That man is going to change the world. No one saw this coming. Everyone just figured one day that man's pants will fall off and he will be nothing but a one-note joke. "Look at the guy with no pants!" they all said. But what they didn't see was a man with ideas in his head. And if you try hard enough and if you believe in yourself, you too can be just like that man. He's bringing back suspenders. What's in your head that you are bringing back?
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