It's in My Head - #2: The John Woo Shooting Range

Today as I was walking down the hallway at work from the break room to the bathroom, I put my hands behind my back. Then, in slow motion, pulled out two imaginary guns and started shooting at Sean Archer (John Travolta) while explosions went off all around me. Yep, I was pretending to be Castor Troy  (Nicolas Cage) at the beginning of Face/Off. The real world is tough and work is a place I have to go to every day if I want to get paid. Gotta get that money! So while I'm there I try to escape from it for a little bit. If that means reenacting a scene from a movie in the hallway by myself, then so be it. But this just isn't any movie. Oh no no no. This is Nic Cage at his finest, first as the psychopath Castor Troy and then as the strung out desperate FBI Agent Sean Archer wearing Castor Troy's face and pretending to be a complete psycho. I'M CASTOR TROY!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I love (but I'm not in love with) Nicolas Cage and I could watch this movie at least once a week. I'll probably end up watching it tonight at some point. But what if I didn't just have to watch the movie? What if I could somehow be in the movie? That's what's in my head today. 

I'm not talking about poorly superimposing myself into the movie or asking a friend who is good at CGI to insert my performance in there somewhere. I'm not talking about waiting around for virtual reality to advance like it is on the Holodeck on Star Trek where you can be in the movie (although that would be outstanding). Maybe someday, but that's not what is in my head today. I'm talking about what I would do if I had a ton of money. Like an insane amount. Like I was one of those people who had so much money they don't know what to do with it. I know what I would do with it. I would create my own John Woo Shooting Range. If you've ever seen one of his movies (such as Face/Off, Broken Arrow, Hard Target, Mission Impossible II, Hard Boiled, The Killer and any of the movies he made in China) then you know exactly why this is one of the greatest ideas ever. If you don't know John Woo movies, here's a clip from Face/Off to catch you up to speed:

 

The John Woo Shooting Range would have it all - multiple handguns so you can always have one in each hand, crates, walls and random factory stuff to hide behind, fire and explosions, plenty of doves (and other species of bird) and of course - everything will be in slow motion and set to abnormally pleasant music that contradicts the violence unfolding. Beautiful mesmerizing slow motion. I can picture it in my head right now. I would be trying to corner a robot version of my arch enemy and he would be as crafty and cunning as I am. We would know each other strengths and weaknesses and be able to anticipate each other's moves. It would be something spectacular. And I would be right in the middle of it. 

I'm strongly opposed to guns and violence. I believe that guns are a part of the problem and never a part of the solution. I've only held a gun once and it was unloaded. The first time I went down to South Carolina I asked Officer Werner if I could check out her police gear. I didn't like the gun. Even without any bullets it felt too powerful, almost like it was a power not meant to be welded by mankind. We have no business playing God and choosing who lives and dies. But that's not what the John Woo Shooting Range would be like. In here I wouldn't be playing God, I would be playing Sean Archer. Or Ethan Hunt. Or Riley Hale. Or Chance Boudreaux. I would be the hero. It would be spectacular.

But why stop at The John Woo Shooting Range? Why not also build the Michael Bay Shooting Range? Handguns could still be used, the action would be quick and fast (with scenes lasting at most 3 seconds so that you had no freakin idea what was going on), explosions would be huge and unnecessary, stylish luxury cars would zoom around, there would be a shit-ton of product placements and the place would be littered with scantily clad Victoria's Secret models. Oh yeah - and don't forget the pop rock soundtrack featuring Aerosmith. I could be Martin Lawrence and Jenny Reck could be Will Smith. We'd be spouting catch phrases and trying to remain best friends at the same time.

I can't wait to get mega rich so that I can build this joint. I've got all the plans laid out, now I just have to figure out a way to get all that money to realize my dreams. Too bad that idea didn't creep up in my head instead of this one. But you have to come up with the plan so you aren't stuck swimming in a giant bin of money like Uncle Scrooge McDuck. He's got all that money just sitting there wasting space when it could be invested in The John Woo Shooting Gallery. I should probably give that old miser a call. What's his number again? And while I chase down Launchpad McQuack for Mr. McD's number, give me a call and let me know - what's in your head?

 - pookon -

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