I don't get to choose what it is in my head. Sometimes it's divine intervention from the Man upstairs. A lot of times it's a reference to a movie. It can often be a nostalgic memory. But most days the Universe chooses this for me. I just walk out into the world and then - bam! It just hits you. It's like a bolt of lightning. Please Marty, don't say that! But I have a lot of Great Scott moments and then I realize what is there right in front of me. It's the Universe showing me something and then all of the sudden my head starts going to work like all those little Keebler Elves in the tree slaving away so all you f****** can eat some cookies. But hopefully my head gets better pay and benefits. And so in my head there were two things today - "Why the hell is the moon out?" and "It's Mac Tonight." Believe it or not these two things are related. One of them was said by one of my best friends and the other one was said by a hip and cool dude who I wish was one of my best friends.
"Why the hell is the moon out?" That's a question Jenny Reck has wanted to know for a very long time. I don't remember exactly how long because I was probably 7 years old, but we were driving somewhere in the old van with the sliding door and it was early evening. Jenny looked out the window, and with no hesitation, blurted out, "Why the hell is the moon out?" I was in shock because I was taught that swears are bad. She had heard the word hell used in this sense but didn't really understand what it meant. Of course my parents disciplined her and told her that's not how we talk. If only she would have listened because she grew up to have a filthy little mouth (which I completely blame myself for because of the way I talked around her, but I'd also like to think that society played a role as well. It was tough growing up in the 90s when you were surrounded by people who told you to to eat their shorts). That's really all I remember about that, but every time I see the moon I almost always ask, "Why the hell is the moon out?"
Well tonight it was out, and it was out looking to party and bang a couple of stars. It was cruising the strip high on, let's just call it life, and looking to charm the panties off of the ladies by tickling the ivories and singing a jazzy lounge song about hamburgers. "When the clock strikes, half past six babe. Time to head for golden lights. It's a good time for the great taste, dinner at McDonald's - it's Mac Tonight!" That's right kids of the late 80s, his name is Mac Tonight and he's getting all up in my head! You know you want access to this club. This guy is coming out of retirement to do one more round of jovial late night dinner inspired jingles before he retires to that big old canvas in the night sky. Mac Tonight wants to go out on top. He doesn't want to be playing state fairs and hotel lobbies. For a couple of years this Moon Man was King of the World. He had it all, but yet he felt empty inside. McDonald's used him and then tossed him out like a clamshell styrofoam Big Mac container.
But now that retro is back in style, Mac is reaping all the benefits. Well just the other day I saw him hitting on this broad and he was like, "Do you remember me? It's Mac Tonight." And she was eating it all up. He was laying it down thick too, like special sauce. And then when he said, "I want to put my meat between your sesame seed buns" I knew I had to jump in and say something. But Mac wasn't happy. It turned out me trying to "save" this broad from a night of regret turned out to be the ultimate cock block. Mac quickly escorted me out to the giant Grimace and proceeded to kick the shit out of me. As he walked away, I tried to say something. I wanted to apologize. I shouldn't have done that. Mac Tonight is a legend and I shouldn't mess with his game. But all I could manage to say was, "Ask if she has a lady friend for me". That only enraged Mac further, which is how I ended up spending the next 10 months in Officer Big Mac's Jail. I was originally sentenced to 2 years but I got off on good behavior. And by good behavior I mean some kids totally peed in there and they were forced to tear the thing down. I never saw Mac again, but I hope wherever he is that he's happy. I never meant to do anything to hurt him, and if our paths cross again I hope we can still be friends. Maybe we can start a band called Scotty Mac Tonight. One can dream right?
So I saw the moon. It was bright, it shined and it was a glorious sight to behold. But while others see a celestial object in the sky, I think about my sister's first crack at profanity and my old pal Mac Tonight. That's what is in my head. My head is a twisted place. What kind of twisted thoughts are in your head?
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