Drunken Live Tweet - Finding Nemo - "Just Keep Tweeting. Just Keep Tweeting..."

Words can't even explain how creepy and wrong this is. Who #hashtags a kids movie and talks shit about it while drunk? Me I guess. That's what I do on a Friday night. And this is why I'm still single. And this is also why I have problems. I didn't intend to Live Tweet the Disney/Pixar movie Finding Nemo. I made one comment on my Twitter account and it just kind of snowballed from there (as it often does when I'm drinking whiskey). All of the sudden it's 1am and I'm watching the thrilling conclusion of one of Pixar's finest movies. 

It's ultimately the story of a boy and his Dad and the grand adventure that they share. They each go on a separate voyage in the great big sea but it is all confined within the same story (although they didn't know it at the time). I'm sure that when they look back (assuming that Nemo isn't horribly scarred from this tragic event) they will laugh and recount these fond memories. But what are these memories? What happened when Marlin was out #FindingNemo? I'm sure that you know them. You've seen the movie. You've probably even seen it several times. So you you what you think about it. But have you ever wondered what I think about #FindingNemo? Oh you have? Well then my friend you have come to the right place!

The following is a series of tweets that I sent out from my Twitter account (@pookondotcom) on Friday January 30. Despite this seeming like a shameless attempt to gain new followers by promoting the shit out of myself, I beg you not to waste your time on this nonsense. That is unless of course that you like nonsense. I have plenty of it to go around. I learned long ago that I can't stop myself from being myself. Unfortunately social media has given me an outlet to be myself to the whole world. This is quite possibly the worst thing to ever happen to the World. OK, so maybe I'm being a little over dramatic. But I'll let you be the judge of that after you read my tweets about Finding Nemo.

I couldn't handle losing my wife and all of my kids (except one) in the first 5 minutes of the movie. #FindingNemo is fucking sad.

The other fuckers in the ocean give Marlin a hard time, but he's one tough ass fish. He's been through some real shit. #FindingNemo

Hands down the best part of #FindingNemo is when the baby fish falls off the sponge bed and cries. I love when kids fall down.

That little squid kid inks and then swims in it. What a nasty little bitch. Someone should tell the the EPA. #FindingNemo

Some ass jockey just up and steals Nemo. And people wonder why I don't swim in the ocean. Don't want to get stolen. #FindingNemo

Don't know if I'm Marlin or Dory. Probably both. I'm an non-funny clown who can't remember a God damn thing. #FindingNemo

I hate sharks. They straight up eat you. Who wants to be someone's dinner? I bet I don't even taste that good. #FindingNemo

If Jeffrey Dahmer was still alive, I bet he could tell me what I taste like. What? #TooSoon? #FindingNemo

But these sharks go on a dolphin hating rant. I can get behind that. Dolphins think they're so smart. Smug ass bastards. #FindingNemo

Fish are friends, not food? Apparently those sharks have never been to Milwaukee on a Friday night. #FishFry #FindingNemo

This shark needs an intervention because he wants some of #THATMEAT!?!? Why stop when it tastes so good? #FindingNemo

Worst part about what I'm doing right now? Hashtagging a kids movie and saying these awful awful things. #FindingNemo

Bird blames the other bird for farting and then flies away? Hey pal - he who smelt it, dealt it. #FindingNemo

I didn't expect to be live tweeting #FindingNemo. But I also didn't expect to be unmarried at 33. Oh wait - yeah I did.

I have some real problems if this is what I do with my Friday nights. But it could be worse. I could be in prison like Nemo. #FindingNemo

Love that Jacques fella. He makes popping noises and scurries around. Foreigners are the best. #FindingNemo

Hitched a ride on the porcelain express? Been there. Every morning after a #BachelorParty... #FindingNemo

I'll admit I'm still a little afraid of the dark, so there's no way I'm going to the bottom of the ocean for a fucking mask. #FindingNemo

If I'm not deathly hungover tomorrow, I'm making P. Sherman at 32 Wallaby Way in Sydney, Australia my new pen pal. #FindingNemo

All I want in life is to be part of a ragtag group of outcasts forced to spend a confined space together. #FindingNemo

I wish my voice was half as sexy as Brad Garrett's or Patrick Warburton's. #FindingNemo #aLittleGay

Other best part of the movie - John Ratzenburger as the school of fish when one fish walks the plank of the Pirate ship. #FindingNemo

It's the little moments in this movie that kill me - why Ted here has relatives in Sydney. "Sure do!" #FindingNemo

I just told my cat we're live tweeting #FindingNemo. He said, "who is this we? Don't lump me in with you." My cat is a jerk.

I wish that I lived in a sea anemone and was used to stings. That way I wouldn't get hurt so much. Getting hurt sucks. #FindingNemo

Fuck a horde of jellyfish. Forming an unlawful assembly and putting the citizens in danger. They should all be destroyed! #FindingNemo

If all drains lead to the ocean, then I've been peeing in the ocean all night long. #FindingNemo

If you see a small opening, wedge a pebble into it. Maybe it's just me, but that sounds a little naughty. #FindingNemo

Norman Osbourne needs to stop making his cronies do his dirty work. But he's rich. I guess that's what rich people do. #FindingNemo

Marlin wakes up passed out on the back of a righteous sea turtle. Some fish have all the luck. So not fair. #FindingNemo

Wish I woke up passed out on a turtle. But at least I never woke up passed out in the sewer or in a lion's den. #FindingNemo

Jelly Man is a sweet nickname. I'm lucky to be Iceman. And a security guard in Las Vegas once called me The Whistler. #FindingNemo

I headbutt my cat Korben Dallas all the time. There's no sweeter move than knocking heads with another life form. #FindingNemo

I want to scrape together some money and buy a shitload of baby sea turtles. Those creatures are the bomb. #FindingNemo

I wish a bunch of little sea turtles would gather and listen to my stories. I promise they're entertaining! #FindingNemo

Other best part of this movie is the Boston Lobsters talking about it being wicked daaaak. How's it goin' Bob? #FindingNemo

I'm Iike those seagulls every time I see a girl with hot totties - Mine! Mine! Mine! Except she's never mine. #sadness #FindingNemo

Marlin takes on 3 sharks and he's a hero. A girl takes on 3 sharks and she's a slut. That's not fair. #FindingNemo

Does @Disney have a water slide based on the East Australian Current in #FindingNemo? If not they should. They're sitting on a gold mine!

I want credit if @Disney now builds a water slide with inflatable turtles where you ride the East Australian Current. #FindingNemo

Just keep swimming... Just keep swimming... Is that a mantra for Dory or for sperm? #FindingNemo

And speaking of sperm, here's a sperm whale. Why is it called that? Has anyone ever stopped to question that? #FindingNemo

Is anyone else a little weirded out about a girl asking if you have seen her flow? Now that's just gross. #FindingNemo

Can't say that I've ever been inside a whale. Not even in college. #FindingNemo

Marlin says the whale is half empty. Dory says the whale is half full. Whose side are you on? #TeamHalfFull #FindingNemo

If I was up inside a whale I would never quit. Never give up! Never surrender! Get ejaculated from that whale! #FindingNemo

If the light is green, the tank is clean. The fish are incarcerated here in our custom made storage facility. #FindingNemo

But the light is red. The purple fish guy covers his nuts when the machine scans the tank. You can never be too cautious. #FindingNemo

Eaten by a pelican. That's not the way I'm going to go. I'm probably going to suffer from violent cardiac arrest. #FindingNemo

Hop inside my mouth if you want to live? Is that the #FindingNemo way of saying come with me if you want to live? #Terminator2

It's absolute chaos in the dentist's office. That's why I don't go despite having dental insurance. #FindingNemo

I can sympathize with Marlin. I've gone on many a quest only to find a dead fish at the end. #FindingNemo

Have you seen my Dad? And have you seen my baseball? #FindingNemo

I think that Dory just had Drunken Recall. Arnold Schwarzenegger had Total Recall. And Marlin has Nemo Recall. #FindingNemo

Swim down never works. I've been swimming down all my life and it hasn't gotten me anywhere. I'm bound to go belly up. #FindingNemo

I hate that everyone tells Nemo what he can't do. No wonder the kid was underdeveloped. Everyone is holding him back. #FindingNemo

I met a sea turtle once. And he was 150 years old. You know what that means? That Sandy Plankton was full of shit man. #FindingNemo

Like father, like daughter. Adult squid guy inks at the first sight of a shark. Way to keep it together pal. #FindingNemo

At the end of the day it's the story of a boy and his Dad. That's why I love it. It speaks to me. #FindingNemo

Where the fuck do these asshats think they are going in these plastic bags? They were better off in camp tivity... #FindingNemo

I want the end of my life to play out like the end credits of #FindingNemo. "Somewhere beyond the sea, she's there waiting for me..."

Got drunk and live tweeted #FindingNemo. One could say I'm channeling my inner @jimmylaw22 @BingeMedia #Pixar

Did you like that? Did you like what you saw there? You shouldn't. In fact you should be ashamed of yourself if you chuckled at any of these horrendous comments. Don't encourage me because then I might do this kind of shit more often. I encourage myself on a daily basis and I don't need any help pal. But thanks for the assist. Look, I'm sorry that I subjected you to this. But then again, you didn't have to read it unless you wanted to. My head is a twisted place. The only way I can stay "normal-ish" is to let the crazy out from time to time. And sometimes when I let that crazy out, I go after children's movies. It's better than going after children, right? And this blog post just took a real disastrous turn. And that is where I'm going to leave you. Go out and find your Nemo pal!

 - pookon -

www.pookon.com
https://twitter.com/pookondotcom
https://www.facebook.com/MilwaukeeIceman

Drunken Live Tweet - The Goonies - "Goonies Never Say Tweet"

There are certain movies that will always be iconic classics to you and you will never feel any differently about them, no matter what anyone says. For me The Goonies is right up there on top of the list. I know that a lot of people feel the same way because my generation holds this movie in such high regard. And rightfully so they should. It really is a perfect movie. It has action, drama, comedy, adventure and some pirates thrown in the mix as an added bonus. Most movies that you adored as a child end up not being so cool when you watch them as an adult, but The Goonies is not one of those. I know that I have watched it a couple hundred times and I am not exaggerating. There are so many lines and scenes that I could act out on my own if need be, so just quiz me the next time you see me. But make sure that you are ready to take on one of the roles and be a member of my gang of Goonies. I'm Chunk so you can't be him. Anyone else is fair game I guess instead of Mikey. Jenny is Mikey. Yes I know that she is a girl and that he is a dude, but we are talking works of fiction here. Didn't guys used to play girls in old Shakespearean plays back in the 1600's? Then why is it weird that in the 2000's that a chick plays a dude? Why don't you stop asking questions and instead watch the actor disappear inside the character. So come join along with me as I got drunk one night, put on The Goonies again and Live Tweeted my thoughts as they came pouring out of my head. This was my favorite Live Tweet session so I hope that you get as much enjoyment out of it as I did. If you've seen The Goonies then you should be able to follow along with what I wrote and picture the movie in your head. Or you could always put the movie on and read along with my Tweets. Either way you're in for some pretty good drunken randomness. Enjoy.

I'll admit it - I'm one of #TheGoonies. I've been one my entire life and I'm proud to admit it. I wouldn't have it any other way.

If I was one of them, I would have to be Chunk. I have a penchant for Hawaiian shirts, pizza and Baby Ruth. #TheGoonies

If I had to truffle shuffle to get into my friend's house I would never go there. That fucker isn't my friend. #TheGoonies

Mikey has a more complex gadget system on his front lawn than Pee Wee Herman's house or Doc Brown's lab. #TheGoonies

I don't blame Mouth for incorrectly translating to Rosalita. Fucking with foreign people is a hell of a good time. #TheGoonies

It's no fair that Mikey has all that cool historical shit in his attic. I never even had an attic. Or rich stuff. #TheGoonies

Chunk said all they had in his attic was old Hanukkah decorations. Funny, I didn't know his last name was Levistein. #TheGoonies

Astoria, Oregon is the coolest town ever. #TheGoonies lived there and John Kimble was the Kindergarten Cop. I'm moving there.

They call their neighborhood the Boondocks, also known as "The Boonies." Um, next to he ocean is not the middle of nowhere. #TheGoonies

I totally am Chunk. My "go to" submission move as a child was to sit on people. That's all that I had. #TheGoonies

Brand did 376 lawnmower jobs just to get that shitty bike? He needs to renegotiate his wage. That's basically slave labor. #TheGoonies

Brand needs to take the training wheels off that bike. And take off his training bra too. He whines like a little girl. #TheGoonies

Chunk says when his stomach growls there is trouble. He has his own personal Spidey Sense! Chunk is my hero. #TheGoonies

I always wanted to go on an adventure with my friends. But surviving in my neighborhood was an adventure. I'm from the streets. #TheGoonies

Mama is one scary ass bitch. In this movie and as Danny DeVito's mom. I too would have thrown her from the train. #TheGoonies

Chunk wants to give up on the pursuit of One Eyed Willie's rich stuff because it's dinner time. Yep. It's official. I am Chunk. #TheGoonies

Of course the Asian figures out how to make counterfeit $50 dollar bills. Asians can figure out everything. #aLittleRacist #TheGoonies

Murderers are after him, a monster is chained up in a room, there's a dead body + all Chunk cares about is ice cream. My hero. #TheGoonies

They should have called the Mario Brothers to help with those pipes. They are plumbers you know. Amateurs. #TheGoonies

Chunk pushed his sister down the stairs + blamed it on the dog. Once I farted on the set of Blue Lagoon + blamed it on the dog. #TheGoonies

Chester is the greatest name ever. But Chester Kurutz is 2x the man Chester Copperpot ever was. #TheGoonies

I once saw #TheGoonies at a midnight screening in Minneapolis. I so wanted to drop fake vomit from the balcony. Just like Chunk.

Chunk wanted to play the violin. I wanted to play the piano, trumpet, saxophone, trombone, french horn and guitar. I did. #TheGoonies

If I had a chance to take back my wishes and dreams I would. Because none of them came true. Dreams are bullshit. #TheGoonies

Goonies never say die. Which is why I was so afraid to say it 7 months ago. But I'll never say it. He still lives in me. #TheGoonies

Sloth believes in the 5 second rule. He broke out of his fucking handcuffs to get that Baby Ruth off of the floor. #TheGoonies

Data is one crafty motherfucker. Pinchers of peril. Setting booty traps. Slick shoes. Bully blinders. #TheGoonies

I've got you now One Eyed Willie. Is that really something you want to say out loud kid? #aLittleGay #TheGoonies

If I was Mikey I would have slipped Andy the tongue. But I'm Chunk so I ate up all the snacks. #SexyTime #TheGoonies

I missed this. Bats come out and scare the shit out of them, but none of them have a lament or are counting? I call bullshit. #TheGoonies

Andy kind of looks like Hermione Granger. So my "magic wand" is going all wingardium leviosa right now. #TheGoonies

How ironic would it be if Mikey grew up + got caught in a "Booty Trap" for soliciting an undercover cop posing as a prostitute. #TheGoonies

Andy plays piano. Listen to the radio. Don't you remember if you get the wrong note, we'll all be flat. #MusicHumor #TheGoonies

I've been to Noah's Ark in the Dells a few times and I don't remember a water slide that ended with a pirate ship. #TheGoonies

So One-Eyed Willie only has one eye? That's like rain on your wedding day. Or a free ride when you've already paid? #ironic #TheGoonies

The one that they call Mouth is also the one who is able to fit it all in there. #aLittleGay #TheGoonies

If I am Chunk then I am still waiting for my Sloth to swing in and yell "Hey you Guys!" and save the day. It'll happen. #TheGoonies

Momma dropped the shit out of Sloth. That's why he ended up looking like that. Let that be a cautionary tale to future mothers. #TheGoonies

The kids meet up with their families and we get the old reunion bullshit. Where's the discipline? Where's the grounding? #TheGoonies

If I found some jewels in my bag then I would assume that I switched teams. One Eyed Willie got me. In my face. #TheGoonies

Ok. So they disobeyed their parents but in the end they saved the day. Do we punish or praise? #TheGoonies

That's why I kind of never want kids. You don't know what to do. Should I be proud or be upset? It's a challenge. #TheGoonies

I guess I want kids. I want them to go through the same shit i did. Have adventures. Fuck shit up. #TheGoonies

My life has been an adventure. Time to turn the page. To a new chapter. I need to live vicariously through my kids. #TheGoonies

The movie is just under 2 hours but the adventure lasts a lifetime. Goonies fo' life. That's what the kids be sayin'. #TheGoonies

If my kids are half as cool as me then I did a good job. Because they would have grown up with the classics. #TheGoonies

I could probably watch The Goonies again today and say some completely different things about the movie. That's the beauty of it. But on that night when I loaded up on the rum these are the words that flowed out of my brain and to the Twitter for the entire world to see. I'm not one of those people who keep their thoughts bottled up inside of their heads. Oh no, I will tell you all about them whether you like it or not. I love drunken Live Tweeting movies. It's a boatload of fun for me and I hope to do it again soon. I have a short list of 80's, 90's and 00's classics that I am prepared to send up in grand fashion on a rum-fueled night, so make sure you pay close attention to my Twitter account and this here blog for those episodes if you find this sort of thing amusing. And if you don't then you can't be in my rag-tag group of Goonies. It's your choice really. I suggest you think long and hard about which side you want to be on when the Revolution begins. If you aren't so sure about which side to choose remember this - Goonies never say die.

 - pookon -

www.pookon.com
email: pookondotcom@gmail.com

http://www.facebook.com/MilwaukeeIceman

https://twitter.com/pookondotcom

Drunken Live Tweet - Face/Off - "I'm Castor Tweet! Wooooooo!"

There are some movies that I absolutely love that I get a lot of shit liking. Look I know that everyone is entitled to their own opinion but the movies that I love are fucking sweet. We're not talking about boring old classics like Gone with the Wind or romantic comedy fodder like 27 Dresses here. I'm talking about ass kicking movies like Total Recall, The Replacements and this movie - Face/Off. The involvement of Nicolas Cage and John Travolta might turn some people away but in 1997 they were on top of the world. Travolta had found a career resurgance due to Pulp Fiction and Broken Arrow and Cage was in his prime coming off of The Rock and Con Air. At the time there were no two bigger movie stars and director John Woo had made the transition into American Cinema. Look I'm not going to sit here and tell you about how good the movie is or give you a plot synopsis. You can go anywhere on the internet and read reviews of the film. But there is only one place on the internet that you can go to read about what some drunken asshole thinks about Face/Off. And that's here at Pookon's Ill Blog. Congratulations friend. You've come to the right place.

In case you aren't familiar with this series (Drunken Live Tweet) let me bring you up to speed a little bit. I like to get hammered and watch movies that I've seen a hundred times and offer my commentary is bursts of 140 characters or less. It's a great way to spend a night when you're a drunk that doesn't have any friends and likes to pretend that he's hilarious. So I settle in with a bottle of rum, put on the flick and let the booze do the talking. If you've seen Face/Off even a few times you should be able to follow along with my insightful and random observations on this movie. If you haven't seen it or if it has been a while I suggest you pop in the movie right now and follow along with me as we take this journey into the depths of my mind. See what makes me tick. See what I find exciting and weird. And see just how many times I can swear and talk about sex. I promise you that it will be a whole lot. If that sort of thing is your bag then read on. If that sort of thing doesn't amuse you than we don't share the same sense of humor. Why are you even here if you don't understand me? Well, no one really understands me. Maybe someone else has been wearing my face for the last 10 years and making me seem to act weird. Maybe that's why I diverted from the sweet little catholic boy with the nice voice who liked frogs. It wasn't me the whole time man. Someone took my face...off!

I know I'm going to get drunk + revisit this flick for a #LiveTweet session. How could I not? I'm Castor Troy!! Woooooo!! #FaceOff

Nic Cage is rocking a stellar mustache in the beginning of this flick. That's how the viewer knows this is a flashback. #FaceOff

Travolta's kid gets shot in the fucking face while on the Merry-Go-Round. And people wonder why I don't ride those things. #FaceOff

Nic Cage grabs choir girl ass in '97 + gets away with it. If I tried that I'd go to jail. Everyone is so sensitive these days. #FaceOff

Pollux Troy can't tie his shoes. Cause he's an idiot. I mean that fucker did steal Raptor eggs out of the nest. #FaceOff

"Peach... I could eat a peach for hours." If I was Castor Troy it'd be more like "pizza. I could eat a pizza in 5 minutes." #fat #FaceOff

Francisco Scaramanga isn't the only man with the Golden Gun. Castor Troy did him one better by using 2. Your move Francisco. #FaceOff

Nic Cage asked Travolta if his daughter Jamie was ripe. He won't let it go. He really likes peaches. Wants to shake her tree. #FaceOff

You know John Woo is a great director when he can make the "Look Who's Talking" guy + "City of Angels" guy look like action stars. #FaceOff

If I could do a #FaceOff and switch faces with someone else, I'd do it with Usher. Although something tells me people wouldn't believe it.

Travolta has the top scientists and plastic surgeons and he chooses to switch with Nic Cage? Why not George Clooney? #FaceOff

George Clooney as you know, was People Magazine's Sexiest Man in 1997. And of all time depending on who you ask. #aLittleGay #FaceOff

Doctors transplanted Nic Cage's face onto Travolta. It's a good thing they were also able to transplant his need to always shout. #FaceOff

When the Mario Brothers wore those boots they were able to jump really high. Why can't the Erewhon prisoners do the same? #FaceOff

You watch your fucking mouth! Cause I'm CASTOR TROY!! WOOO! So good it'll make you cry. I love a good Nic Cage freak out. #FaceOff

If I didn't have a face the first thing I would do is scare the shit out of some kids. Then whine about it, then get a new one. #FaceOff

I'm not into mature women, but I've wanted to do Joan Allen since she got all naughty and colored in Pleasantville. #FaceOff

And speaking of doing, I'd do Travolta's daughter Jamie. It's ok though, cause in '97 she was 17 and I was 16. #FaceOff

I'd like to defuse a bomb someday. But that's impossible because I am the bomb. Kind of hard to defuse myself. #FaceOff

Tonight Travolta is going to do to Joan Allen what William H. Macy and Jeff Daniels could never do. #FaceOff

Exercise for these prisoners is walking around single file? In High School our gym teacher Sgt. Karps gave us basketballs. #FaceOff

Drew Carey's brother is a real bastard. He must have swallowed all that aggresion from Mimi + directed it at the prisoners. #FaceOff

Drew Carey's brother said cigarettes will kill you. Nope. Electric chairs kill you. Mr. Larson from Happy Gilmore will kill you. #FaceOff

I see an oil rig but I don't see Harry Stamper and crew. And I also see a remote prison and no John Mason. Movies are bullshit. #FaceOff

Movies make it seem so easy to escape from prison. But how do you escape prison rape? Because that info could come in handy. #FaceOff

When I broke out of prison I didn't get greeted with guns, hookers and drugs. Some people have all the luck. #FaceOff

I'd like to take his face off? Well I'd like to someday walk on the moon but we all know it isn't happening. Lower your standards. #FaceOff

If Hyde tried to rape my daughter I'd probably kick his ass. Then make him sit and listen to Eric Forman bitch and moan. #FaceOff

I wish I woke up from a bender to a girl taking off my pants and kissing me. I just wake up to a hungry cat meowing. #FaceOff

I see Gina Gershon and I think Showgirls. And titties. And Jessie Spano. And her caffeine pill "I'm So Excited" freakout. #FaceOff

I hope if I get ever get caught up in a slow motion shoot-out wearing headphones The Miracles "Love Machine" is playing. #FaceOff

Sometimes I wish I was in a John Woo movie because I could use some of that slow motion. Life moves way too god damn fast. #FaceOff

Jonah Hill and I could have our own kind of #FaceOff. Because we look alike. Or so they say. Until that fucker went all skinny and shit.

Pollux Troy deserved to die. No one steals Raptor eggs out of the nest and gets away with it. Nobody!!! #FaceOff

Nic Cage (as Travolta) just killed Big Ed of Big Ed's Tires. If you didn't like your job just quit. Don't go to the extreme. #FaceOff

Nic Cage and Samuel L. Jackson must have a clause built into their contracts where they have a minimum of 3 screams per movie. #FaceOff

I know this movie is called #FaceOff but I just took my clothes off. Hey man, it was getting a little too hot in here.

Due to popular demand I will now be putting my clothes back on. I'll tell you it's because I'm cold, but we all know the truth. #FaceOff

Not that anyone asked for it, but I will be #LiveTweeting the thrilling conclusion of #FaceOff tonight. I passed out before finishing.

Time to finish up #LiveTweeting #FaceOff. The epic finale is here. And now it's time for me to take my pants.......off!!

I once had a dream (some would call it a nightmare) where I found out I had a kid. Woke up feeling sad it wasn't true. WTF? #FaceOff

I think I would be a good dad. Even if I switched faces, ended up in prison and then showed up in his life amidst gun fire. #FaceOff

See, I would protect my kid from oncoming traffic and unlicensed day care, but I wouldn't know how to protect him from gunfire. #FaceOff

I went back in the movie a little bit, but I guess I had some daddy issues and regrets to work out. With guns of course. #FaceOff

It's me, Sean. Don't look at my face. Look at my penis. And listen to me recap the movie for those who weren't paying attention. #FaceOff

In bed Eve gives Sean a little prick to take a sample of his blood. Funny, I thought he was supposed to give her a little prick. #FaceOff

Good luck apologizing. This isn't like forgetting your anniversary or not taking out the trash. You let a killer into her house. #FaceOff

For a guy who was old and in charge of shit, Big Ed doesn't have a lot of people at his funeral. Must have been a real asshole. #FaceOff

I want two guns like I want two chicks at the same time. With two chicks if I fall asleep, they have each other to talk to. #FaceOff

Where does Castor Troy Travolta get off calling Michael a mistake? He wasn't planned. That doesn't mean they don't love him. #FaceOff

It's a Mexican Standoff when 2 or more opponents draw their guns creating a tense situation. Why Mexican? No tacos. No sombreros. #FaceOff

If I found a Genie I would use my 1st wish to be in a gunfight. And my 2nd wish to survive it. My 3rd wish? To get laid of course. #FaceOff

I'm call that move a UF for unnecessary flip. But you do those in action movies. Like James' UD (unnecessary dives) in softball. #FaceOff

I would stick a knife in Jamie's leg. And by knife I mean penis. And by leg I mean vagina. #FaceOff

Why have a car chase when you can have a boat chase? I haven't seen something this Over the Top since Stallone in '87. #FaceOff

So scientists can take Nic Cage and John Travolta's faces off, but they couldn't put them onto their stunt doubles? #FaceOff

A fist fight on the beach is a good way to work out your differences. Not by playing gay shirtless volleyball. #TopGun #FaceOff

A harpoon is a very deadly weapon. Trust me, as someone who gets confused for a whale at the beach, those things can kill. #FaceOff

If someone wanted my face I'd give it to them. It hasn't really worked out for me. Be my guest. Good luck picking up the ladies. #FaceOff

You know that scar near my heart? That bullet wound? I won't need it anymore. But Doc, how about getting a bigger penis? #FaceOff

Hey honey! I'm home! And I look like Travolta again. Oh this kid? Raise him as our own. I promised his dead parents we would. #FaceOff

Life isn't fair. I get to look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow man and Nic Cage + Travolta are bitching cause they switched faces. #FaceOff

The credits end and I'm still me. And my face isn't off. What was accomplished by watching this? Movies are bullshit. #FaceOff

The idea for watching this movie came around Thanksgiving Weekend of 2011. As subscribers of AT&T Cable we were treated to a preview of all the premium channels and instead of watching some brand new movie, I watched bits and pieces of Face/Off all weekend long at random times on Showtime or HBO or some shit. I sat alone in the living room watching and I could do was to repeatedly shout, "I'M CASTOR TROY!!! WOOOOO!!" over and over again until I pissed off my roommate, the dog and my cat. I'm sure Bombay has seen parts of it over the years but Gracie and AK had no idea who Castor Troy was, but I was on a mission to let them know - HE IS ME!! I'M CASTOR TROY!!! WOOOOOO!!! If you still don't get I encourage you to watch Face/Off right now. If you made it through this entire Live Tweet session and feel like you understand the movie (and I don't know how that can be because I can't even figure out what the hell is going on here and I said it!) then you should still go out and watch it. In fact call me up right now and I'll bring it over. We can grab a couple of peaches to eat for hours, switch faces and enjoy the shit out of this movie. You won'r regret it. I'll be sitting next to my phone anxiously awaiting your call. And if you don't call me I'm likely to have a signature Nicolas Cage freak out moment so you better just go ahead and call me... MAYBE!!

 - pookon -

 

www.pookon.com
email: pookondotcom@gmail.com
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Drunken Live Tweet - Heavyweights

Heavyweights is one of my favorite movies ever. I don't like to rank movies because I love so many of them and I rarely ever hate a movie because I find at least something of value in each one of them. This is also why I own so many movies and watch them over and over again. I watch movies like people watch TV (I don't watch TV shows or anything on TV outside of the occasional Brewers game) except that I usually put them on in the background while I'm working on something else like this blog or pookon.com. My cousin Brian (BK3) loves this movie too and we often quote it knowing that most people have no idea what we are talking about. It's surprising that there are so many people who haven't seen this 90's classic. It's from the same guy (Steven Brill) who wrote the Mighty Ducks so it has a lot of the same child actors like Karp, Russ Thompson and Goldberg. Oh and it's also written by Judd Apatow and has Ben Stiller in it. That alone should make you go watch this movie right now. And when you do you should check out my Drunken LiveTweet Commentary that I did on it on night in preparation for my epic Goonies commentary. So I'm sorry if this is a little brief or that it isn't that funny. I was just watching this movie and drinking so that I could warm up for what I knew would be the best Drunken Commentary ever in The Goonies. Don't worry, I'll get around to posting that someday but for now enjoy Heavyweights.

It looks like I watched Super 8 before I watched Heavyweights (which I watched before The Goonies) so now you have an idea of how many movies I end up watching in a average day when I have nothing better to do. I know that I always blamed my hideous physique, my asshole attitude and the disdain of human company for the reason I'm still single but I might have to toss in my habit of sitting by myself drinking and watching movies instead of going out and meeting people as another reason. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me but I have no desire to date, get married and have kids and shit like everyone else. I just want to hang out and do nothing. I probably have some issues or something that can be unpacked by a psychologist or balanced out with medication but I don't think anything is wrong with me. I'm just different I guess. So if you want to be different with me then you know how to reach me. If not then continue to do whatever you were doing before and have a nice day.

#Super8‬ may be one of the best movies I've seen...ever. It's my kind of movie. It's a shame I waited this long to watch it.

I really wanted to ‪#LiveTweet‬ ‪#Super8‬ but I got so wrapped up in the movie. I had to enjoy my 1st time. When I go for 2nds I'll do it. 

My ‪#FortuneCookie‬ just told me "your present plans are going to succeed." My plan tonight was to get drunk! ‪#yahtzee‬!! 

Afterglow is the sweetest fucking place on the Earth, but how much sweeter would it be if they got a blob? ‪#Heavyweights‬

You're fatter than I am! Why don't u go to camp? Listen up you Mighty Duck fuck! Don't talk to George Bluth Sr. that way!‪ #Heavyweights‬

When Timmy saw Pat Finley in The Family Man he started chanting "Pat! Pat! Pat! Pat!" ‪#Heavyweights‬

Nurse Julie is one of the hottest movie characters ever. That strawberry blonde hair is enough to send me to the infirmary. ‪#Heavyweights‬

Jerry Stiller can achieve in 2 minutes of screen time what some actors fail to do in 2 hours - make me laugh hysterically. ‪#Heavyweights‬

Of course Karp knows each ahthas names - they're his Mighty Ducks teammates Russ Thompson and Goldberg. ‪#Heavyweights‬

I'd like to have Nurse Julie as my partner in the "body system" if you know what I mean. Boddddddaaaayyyy! ‪#Heavyweights‬

Gerald's father is Maury Garner. Typical old guy name. What kid is named Maury? Or Herbert, Eugene Howard or Walter. ‪#Heavyweights‬

Girl: why don't they just lose weight? Other girl: why don't you show them how to throw up after meals like you do? ‪#SickBurn‬‪ #Heavyweights‬

I'm surprised that my parents never sent me to fat camp. Must have considered me a lost cause. Or couldn't afford it. ‪#Heavyweights‬

My goal in life is to prove that Russ Thompson learned the knuckle puck at Camp Hope and not on the streets of L.A. ‪#Heavyweights‬

I got some real Tony Perkis hair going on right now. I'm Perkasizing! Too bad I don't have his body... ‪#Heavyweights‬

While the campers were munching on pizza + ice cream sundaes, Pat Finley was with Nurse Julie munching on something else.‪ #Heavyweights‬

Pat Finley is my hero. So all I have to do is be a camp counselor and I get some sweet Nurse Julie puss? ‪#Heavyweights‬

I love that Tony Perkis Sr. is Maury Finkle, founder of Finkle Lighting Fixtures. Do it. Do it. Do it. ‪#Heavyweights‬

Nurse Julie as the Statue of Liberty is like a fantasy come true. I'd do either of them. I love me some USA. ‪#Heavyweights‬

I had a crush on this chick in high school that looked like Nurse Julie. I never even worked up the nerve to talk to her. ‪#Heavyweights‬

All this Nurse Julie talk makes me think 2 things - I'm incredibly lonely and "keep it in your pants Reck!" ‪#Heavyweights‬

It's amazing how you hold on to one thing forever. You read all that Nurse Julie talk above. I'm not in love with Nurse Julie. I'm in love with that girl from High School that I knew for 4 years, had many classes with and lived in my neighborhood yet I never ever said one word to. Welcome to my sad and pathetic life. I just thought I'd throw that in there in case you were wondering if I've always been an idiot or if it was something that I grew into over the years. I don't understand my life or the people that keep coming back for more of it. All of you reading this right now should be ashamed of yourselves for contributing to my endless insanity. But coming back here and humoring me like someone in the world gives a damn is one of the worst things that can happen to a guy that is constantly alone. It gives me hope that someone out there actually cares about what I say or do. I can't have constant human connection. It is something that I don't know how to deal with. I wasn't meant to be a part of normal society. I've always been one of those fringe people who are kind of on the edge between what is normal and what is strange. I'm not quite normal enough to fit in with all of you. And I'm not strange enough to find a clique that will accept me. So like many movie heroes/villains (think the Incredible Hulk but not strong, not green, not angry and with a gut instead of muscles) that is forced to walk the Earth alone because there is no one else out there like them that understands. 

Sucks to be you reading this because now you are a part of the journey. You came here to see what I thought about the movie Heavyweights and you are saddled with this diatribe. I apologize for that. In some movies you can figure out the ending 5 minutes into the film but this is one of those with a twist ending that goes BAM and leaves you with one of those "I didn't see that shit coming!" feelings. It'll happen more times than not around here because I'm pretty god damn random. But of course if you've ever been here before than you already knew that. Hell of a day. Hell of a life. How did I get here? That question can be figured out with careful research. The bigger question is where do I go from here? That's the million dollar question. With a million possible answers. Who the hell knows where to start. I certainly don't. Or else I would have done that already.

 - pookon -

www.pookon.com

email: pookondotcom@gmail.com

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