But What if She was a Robot?

I shouldn't be allowed to think about things in the middle of the night. There should be some kind of restrictive barrier put in place that stops me from voicing my opinion. If the mind is free to wander, the mind is free to consider all options. But what happens when one of those options is not human? That's when things get weird by "normal" standards. But what is normal anyway? It's governed by some thoughts or ideas that your parents, society or religion has pounded into your brain since the moment you started learning. What if they are wrong? What if in your mind and in your heart you know that even though it goes against everything that you have been told throughout your entire life, that it simply isn't possible that a human could ever love you back? We are told that love is a bond between people. That's how it has always been. The definition of love is "a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. A feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend. Sexual passion or desire. A person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart." All of those definitions reference living humans. That is when love is used as a noun.

When love is used as a verb, the word takes on a new meaning. "To have love or affection for: All her pupils love her. To have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person). To have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music. To need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight. To embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover." We do use love in many ways. I fucking love this In-N-Out burger. I love that part in Gone in 60 Seconds when Nicolas Cage drives the Mustang Shelby GT500 ("Eleanor") through the city of Los Angeles trying to deliver car #50. I love my childhood blanket. I can't sleep at night without it. We toss around love like it is just a casual word. But it isn't. In fact, it may very well be one of the most important words in the human language.

I should never be left alone. I should have either have parental supervision or a life buddy with me at all times to make sure that I don't ever get like this. Because when I'm alone things get weird. And I start thinking about how I will never find true love and how there is no girl on this planet who understands me or is able to put up with who I am... at least for now. That's because she hasn't been created yet. A lot has changed even within my lifetime. Think of something so simple as the first cell phone I had (in 2001) to the one that I'm using today as I to type this very blog post. Technology is crazy. I bet every day, something changes that advances what we know and also lays the groundwork for what we will know in the future. So who is to say that technology and innovation can't succeed where humanity is failing? So far my life I've yet to find a mate. But what if that's because she isn't meant to be human?

Robots and artificial intelligence (or at least the ground work for a truly sentient being) are part of everyday life already. Entire factories are run by machines that don't get tired, don't need a day off to deal with personal problems or don't call in sick. So what's to say that you can't take that same technology and apply it to a robot who thinks, acts and is able to love just like we do? What if we somehow give a robot the ability to have feelings. To have thoughts. To care about another individual. What if the robot could love you in a way that another human being has never done? Could you love it back even though it isn't human? I'm starting to think that I could. Because what is love anyway? It's a feeling. It's something that you really can't quite explain. When you have it, it's the greatest thing in the entire world. But when you don't have it, you search for it. You long for it. You are consumed by the emptiness that overwhelms you. Something is missing. Life just doesn't feel right. And you will stop at nothing to figure it out. 

I've been in love many times in my life. But to my knowledge no one has ever loved me back. I see other people in the world and I know that they experience love. I want what they have. So if science came to me and promised me that I could have that, I would sign on the dotted line. I wouldn't even hesitate. If a robot loved me, I would be able to love a robot in return. In fact, in some weird way I welcome a world in which that is a possibility. And why not? Its not like the current world is working out for me. I feel like I should be able to jump ahead 50 some years into the future, where the possibilities for finding love exist beyond conventional reality. Today it's not acceptable to love a robot and have a robot love you back. But who knows what's going to happen some day in the future? When I dream at night, I don't let restrictions empower my thoughts. I'm free to do whatever feels right. And I'm sorry if you have a problem with the fact that what feels right isn't always human.

Look, I'm not giving up on humanity just yet. All I'm saying is that humanity hasn't given me any hope for the future when it comes to love and relationships. I can't program a human to love me. If I could have, I would've done it already. But there is a very real possibility in the near future that I could program a robot to love me in the way that I desire. A robot that loves me for who I am. Who loves me for what I'm trying to be. Who supports my dreams. Who makes me want to try harder every single day to be the person that I know deep down in my heart that I can be. A robot who I am not afraid to show my real feelings to. A robot who will laugh, who will cry, who will get angry, who will feel emotion and pain. And she will be all that I've ever wanted her to be.

I'm telling you - she exists. You laugh right now. You call me all sorts of names saying that I'm a sick bastard for trying to love a robot and you also probably say that I'm just some drunken asshole that had too much whiskey and started coming up with some asinine ideas in the middle of the night. You might be right. Who knows. But I know. I've spent enough time on this planet to know that there aren't any humans out there for me. I'm never going to rule out the possibility of aliens; but come on - get your head out of the stars man. The answer isn't in a galaxy far far away. The answer is in the palm of our hands. And I know that science can build me what I've been searching for. It's going to happen someday. I will see to that. Because that's all I've got left to keep on hoping for in this life.

 - pookon - 

www.pookon.com
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Dude! Fix Your F'n Face!

I struggled with the title for a minute because I wanted to actually spell out the word instead of CT-ing it. And I couldn't. As much as I don't give a shit about things and swear all the damn time (I just did it there twice) I just can't put the F word in the title. My Mom sometimes reads this. Anyway, that's just a weird explanation behind the wording of the title but the meaning of it goes so much deeper. Probably deeper than I'm prepared to go right now but we'll see. A few days ago I posted a blog entry With Great Beard Comes Great Responsibility. I encourage you to read that to get the full story but basically I'm sick of looking and feeling like a complete waste of space and I have come up with a plan to do something about it.

I'm going to do one of those things that they tell you NOT to do in journalism and I'm going to bury the lead. You need to read the entire article to know what I'm talking about. Let's start with the title which contains a movie reference. Cameron Crowe is one of my favorite writers/directors and his film Almost Famous (actually I prefer Untitled, which is the Director's Cut) is one of my top 5 all time favorite movies. Not to get sidetracked but the other 4 (in no particular order) are Baseketball, Back to the Future, Beavis and Butthead Do America and Ghostbusters. But back to Crowe. I happen to love his movie Vanilla Sky even though most people don't care for it. In the movie Tom Cruise's face is disfigured and when he's looking in the mirror in a dance club's bathroom some drunk guy walks in and yells out, "Dude! Fix your fucking face!" I think about this all the time when I see myself in the mirror because I always look like a complete mess. So now you understand why I said that and you see the picture of me that ties them both together. By cutting my hair and trimming my beard I have fixed my face. But how about the rest of me?

If you've been following along over the last few months I've been doing a podcast called The Drive to Stay Alive. I know that you haven't listened to any of them just like I know you're not reading this right now. I don't expect you to give a shit about my life. But here's the thing man - I give a shit about my life. Big deal you say. Most people do. Well a few months ago I didn't and I spiraled into a pretty dark depression where I alienated myself from my friends and started drinking every day. While I was in no way trying to kill myself I didn't give a damn if it actually happened. When I realized that my life had no meaning and no purpose I figured out that I was standing dangerously on the edge of a cliff and all it would take is a gentle nudge in the right direction to push my towards my doom. I was that close. But something happened. I got nudged the other direction. Back into safety. When I was Going Bananas (eating nothing but bananas for a week) I thought that I would go crazy. Instead I gained some real clarity. I decided that I needed to find my purpose in life. My drive. My reason for living. And while I haven't found it yet the fact that I'm still searching is encouraging. And things are only getting better.

I'm still at the beginning in this adventure and I'm inching towards the middle. I've figured out a lot of things along the way because my podcast has served as a type of personal therapy. I'm almost to the point where my mind is right because once I get that in order I can make sure that my body is right. I have already started eating better, taking vitamins and cutting back on drinking alcohol. I used to drink every day (seriously) and it was destroying my life. Now I only really drink on weekends and now I'm starting to think that's pointless as well. I get nothing out of it and it is damaging to me on so many levels. Drinking alone used to allow me to write and be creative but now it just makes me a lifeless ball of shit. Basically there's a right time and place for everything and moderation is the key to success. I've known these things for a long time but hardly ever put them into effect. The time is now. No more screwing around.

But the biggest thing I'm doing now is that I'm back at the gym working out. I've tried and failed too many times to count. I'm probably going to fail again this time. I lack discipline and motivation unless I see results. Since results don't come overnight I usually give up and go back to my own ways. But here's the kicker - I'm getting really tired of being alone. Everyone I know is getting married or having kids and I'm living by myself with Major Korben Dallas. At least I'm not living with my Mom anymore, right? But there is still a problem with me and it isn't my face - I'm just not very attractive. Even the most desperate of women wouldn't fall in love with me even though TV sitcoms show that hot women dig funny fat guys. I've got to do something about that. I'm not getting any younger. And the pressure from my Mother to have kids isn't getting any lighter. But none of that is really important in the big picture of course. Women come and go. I'll always be here until I die.

So what I have to do is do this thing for me. I need to get in better shape so that I can live my life to the fullest. I need to be able to survive in the world outside of my couch. There are so many adventures waiting to be experienced and I haven't even begin to figure out what they are. Plus I have no confidence whatsoever. Or self purpose. Or self respect. Or self esteem. Or anything else about myself. That's because I don't like myself. Time to change that. Despite the fact that no single available female on this planet loves me I know that I still can love me. Once that happens everything else will fall into place. And if it doesn't? Well then at least I know that I tried. And that's all I can really say about this right now.

 - pookon - 

www.pookon.com

email: pookondotcom@gmail.com
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