I struggled with the title for a minute because I wanted to actually spell out the word instead of CT-ing it. And I couldn't. As much as I don't give a shit about things and swear all the damn time (I just did it there twice) I just can't put the F word in the title. My Mom sometimes reads this. Anyway, that's just a weird explanation behind the wording of the title but the meaning of it goes so much deeper. Probably deeper than I'm prepared to go right now but we'll see. A few days ago I posted a blog entry With Great Beard Comes Great Responsibility. I encourage you to read that to get the full story but basically I'm sick of looking and feeling like a complete waste of space and I have come up with a plan to do something about it.
I'm going to do one of those things that they tell you NOT to do in journalism and I'm going to bury the lead. You need to read the entire article to know what I'm talking about. Let's start with the title which contains a movie reference. Cameron Crowe is one of my favorite writers/directors and his film Almost Famous (actually I prefer Untitled, which is the Director's Cut) is one of my top 5 all time favorite movies. Not to get sidetracked but the other 4 (in no particular order) are Baseketball, Back to the Future, Beavis and Butthead Do America and Ghostbusters. But back to Crowe. I happen to love his movie Vanilla Sky even though most people don't care for it. In the movie Tom Cruise's face is disfigured and when he's looking in the mirror in a dance club's bathroom some drunk guy walks in and yells out, "Dude! Fix your fucking face!" I think about this all the time when I see myself in the mirror because I always look like a complete mess. So now you understand why I said that and you see the picture of me that ties them both together. By cutting my hair and trimming my beard I have fixed my face. But how about the rest of me?
If you've been following along over the last few months I've been doing a podcast called The Drive to Stay Alive. I know that you haven't listened to any of them just like I know you're not reading this right now. I don't expect you to give a shit about my life. But here's the thing man - I give a shit about my life. Big deal you say. Most people do. Well a few months ago I didn't and I spiraled into a pretty dark depression where I alienated myself from my friends and started drinking every day. While I was in no way trying to kill myself I didn't give a damn if it actually happened. When I realized that my life had no meaning and no purpose I figured out that I was standing dangerously on the edge of a cliff and all it would take is a gentle nudge in the right direction to push my towards my doom. I was that close. But something happened. I got nudged the other direction. Back into safety. When I was Going Bananas (eating nothing but bananas for a week) I thought that I would go crazy. Instead I gained some real clarity. I decided that I needed to find my purpose in life. My drive. My reason for living. And while I haven't found it yet the fact that I'm still searching is encouraging. And things are only getting better.
I'm still at the beginning in this adventure and I'm inching towards the middle. I've figured out a lot of things along the way because my podcast has served as a type of personal therapy. I'm almost to the point where my mind is right because once I get that in order I can make sure that my body is right. I have already started eating better, taking vitamins and cutting back on drinking alcohol. I used to drink every day (seriously) and it was destroying my life. Now I only really drink on weekends and now I'm starting to think that's pointless as well. I get nothing out of it and it is damaging to me on so many levels. Drinking alone used to allow me to write and be creative but now it just makes me a lifeless ball of shit. Basically there's a right time and place for everything and moderation is the key to success. I've known these things for a long time but hardly ever put them into effect. The time is now. No more screwing around.
But the biggest thing I'm doing now is that I'm back at the gym working out. I've tried and failed too many times to count. I'm probably going to fail again this time. I lack discipline and motivation unless I see results. Since results don't come overnight I usually give up and go back to my own ways. But here's the kicker - I'm getting really tired of being alone. Everyone I know is getting married or having kids and I'm living by myself with Major Korben Dallas. At least I'm not living with my Mom anymore, right? But there is still a problem with me and it isn't my face - I'm just not very attractive. Even the most desperate of women wouldn't fall in love with me even though TV sitcoms show that hot women dig funny fat guys. I've got to do something about that. I'm not getting any younger. And the pressure from my Mother to have kids isn't getting any lighter. But none of that is really important in the big picture of course. Women come and go. I'll always be here until I die.
So what I have to do is do this thing for me. I need to get in better shape so that I can live my life to the fullest. I need to be able to survive in the world outside of my couch. There are so many adventures waiting to be experienced and I haven't even begin to figure out what they are. Plus I have no confidence whatsoever. Or self purpose. Or self respect. Or self esteem. Or anything else about myself. That's because I don't like myself. Time to change that. Despite the fact that no single available female on this planet loves me I know that I still can love me. Once that happens everything else will fall into place. And if it doesn't? Well then at least I know that I tried. And that's all I can really say about this right now.
- pookon -
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