Let Me Regale You With the Tale of the Drunken Squirrel

Author's note - if you aren't familiar with The Drunken Squirrel that is what I call my Ghostwriter. When I get the spirits in me, I tend to go nuts and write some nonsense. Lately, instead of writing, I decided it would funnier to talk to my phone and let Google's voice-to-text function try and decipher what I'm saying. It's funny in two ways. At least to me. I'm drunk so I don't really even know what I'm saying, and then this faulty computer has to try and figure out my drunken ramblings. That's tough for even a real person to do, so I can understand if the computer had some troubles here. And then there is the added benefit of the text-to-audio I've included below so you can listen to a computer say these stupid words while you read along. Isn't life beautiful? So let me regale you with a tale. A tale of the Drunken Squirrel.



Let me regale you with details. The tale of the drunken squirrel. In the city there once was a squirrel whose hair flowed but the majestic falls off diagram. He says she does self what is the rich and powerful squirrels of the Cretaceous era. One of those squirrels were back to last forever. What are the squirrels who could stand the test of time? This squirrel is like no other. The squirrel had inside him the ability to change the world. For this squirrel... what about talking about a squirrel? Squirrels can change the world!?! Squirrels can't do s***! They do is like gather up a chords and notes to put them in their trees edai to go away for the winter. That's it and then they sleep every dollar dead, so I'll go out like f***** out for a bit. Assault squirrels do. F*** squirrels.

So let me instead tell you a story about a bad. A bad so had sub that both bed and women alike sensitive. This bad he was the desire of everyone who came in contact with him. People look at him to the far and say that mad sure is handsome. I don't know who that is. I've never met a bad that I fancied. I've never even met a woman that I said she'd... wait that's not true. I said see any woman not related to me who actually talks to me, but that's another story for another day. 

Let me instead regale you with another tale a tale. There once was just beautiful girls and this girl she was half fish, have human. She was Little Mermaid. Maybe wish I was half fish 2 then maybe we could be together. Just ignore the fact that she's a cartoon it on a real life. If I had it my way I'd rather be a cartoon 2 or she be a human just like me. Where's the fun in that if life was like that? Then where's the dream? Where's the challenge? Where's the insurmountable goal? It's gone cuz I would have already achieved everything that's under the sea. I already be a part of her world and as long as you're going with the songs looks like s***. This movie I get to kiss the girls. 

If you could be half something is cheap like you're human half, what would you? I'll be the other half off. I think you can afford to be like half like Falcon or Eagles or some s***. Just like be able to have wings. You can fly. Would it be weird if like you would like to top ass Eagles and then you have like, you know, the beat of the wings? Everything on the bottom half of the like legs, like you're done like hanging. I guess in that case you'd probably still wear pants because nobody wants to have me go with his dong Hae out. I think that would be kind of cool me liking the mythological times. They had like to have horse like half human. I get the horse on the bottom and human on the top. My guess that's cool and everything, cause I'd you can run really fast but like if you screw up in school today, like be like that - well now we're going to turn into glue. Is that what I actually? Kinda sucks and then he got that gold bastard plays the flute that is like half goat and half like person any steel socks in Narnia. God damn go bastard.

Ok. Who am I kidding. I'm the drunken squirrel. News flash - ding ding ding! 11 o'clock headlines tell me something you didn't know. This drunken squirrel still has the audacity to class and the wherewithal to kick your ass. Booty ass is the drunken squirrel and if his drunken squirrel is lucky, he will wake up in a place that is so much sweeter than the dumpster in a degraded alley. Hope to wake up and Natalie Portman's bad. Will happen? I don't know. That's not for the drunken squirrel to the side. Only God knows. 

But let me instead regale you with a tail of the drunken squirrel. There once was a squirrel and he drank a lot. He drinks so much you would think that is all he ever did. He didn't sleep. You didn't eat. He didn't get with the ladies. No, Discworld, all he cared about was drinking. This squirrel drinks. Andy drinks. Any drinks any drink some more until there is nothing left to drink. What is when he drinks at this squirrel is on top of the world. This is a flying squirrel, any sores so high and so far that he can conquer his fears. This squirrel is the pinnacle that every squirrel hope to achieve. Wait, when was Cari Always in the s***? But I didn't see that I really like sitting watching this movie for like 2 hours and f***** curio is a mess. I don't believe it. What the hell just happened? 

Is it also the drugs. Girls is kind of like, dude - what's going on man? Squirrel says I don't get it. Sheesh calm down squirrel, you're not supposed to get it. If the drunken squirrel gets it the rest of the world all the sudden is treated you the answer that they weren't ready to hear. Woozworld understands. Just what the hell's going on? There's no wonder anymore. There's no mystery. So it's in the best interest of all mankind for the world to not know what the f**** going on. That's for the squirrels. Always be drunk. The drunken squirrel this label that because it makes a certain kind of balance what the world needs to survive. There is good and bad. There is right and wrong. There's a positive and negative. In the middle of it there's a squirrel as a squirrel is wasted. 

Dude seriously this girl is no f****** idea what's going on. Screws like to look at me. I'm like falling off a bridge and everybody laughs. Everybody says "oh look at that squirrel. He's so drunk." Im people laugh. Squirrel pizza stance. People laugh. Squirrel bumps in the calendar, Knox dishes down and people laugh. Squirrel tries ride a bike. Squirrel Falls and people laugh. Squirrel goes it hits on that hot girl in the corner was way out of his league. Hot girl turns squirrel down and people laugh. Squirrels here for your amusement. Squirrels a spectacle people. That squirrel. But it's okay, we all have a purpose in this life. Some going to do great things. Some change the world. But not squirrel. Squirrel is here Mary nearly to make you laugh in the hard times when there is no laughter. He sure to dry the tears. There will be no crying when Squirrel is around unless those tears come from laughing so hard that you have nothing better to do the shed a couple tears. Squirrel is okay with that. So what happens a squirrel now? Where does it go from here? Doesn't matter. Squirrel will live on. Squirrel will get drunk and squirrel make people laugh. That's all squirrel knows. So is the life of the drunken squirrel...

 - pookon -

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