Pitching. Pitching, pitching, pitching. I can't say it enough. That's because pitching wins games. And Bill Hall. Bill Hall always wins games. But sadly Bill Hall is no longer on this team. I'm sure that I'm the only one in Milwaukee who feels that way because most people rode him out of town in 2009. But that's the past and we have better things to talk about today. I'm going to give you a couple of names and you tell me what is wrong with them. Wayne Franklin. Glendon Rusch. Wes Obermueller. Valerio De Los Santos. Rafael Roque. Jamey Wright. Nick Neugebauer. Matt Kinney. Carlos Villanueva. Mike Burns. Chris Spurling. Dana Eveland. Tomo Ohka. Rick Helling. Joe Winkelsas. Ruben Quevedo. Chad Fox. Braden Looper. There are so many more to include on this list but I think that I've proved my point. However, there is one final name that I would like to add - JEFF SUPPAN. Soup pitched great! And what do they all have in common? They're all pitchers and they all suck. That's just a fraction of the pitchers that I grew up watching over the last 15 years of Milwaukee Brewers baseball. Now compare that list to this one and you'll see a radical difference. Yovani Gallardo. Zack Greinke. Randy Wolf. Shaun Marcum. Chris Narveson. That list was key in the Brewers winning 96 games last year. And that list of players is one of the biggest reasons why the Brewers will repeat as National League Central Champions.
Does anyone remember the 2008 (90 wins) season? Of course you do because we won the NL Wildcard and made the playoffs for the first time in 26 years. And how did that happen? A strong first half by Ben Sheets and an outstanding second half by CC Sabathia. The teams in 2009 (80 wins) and 2010 (77 wins) had insane offenses but without the pitching staff to back it up failed to make the playoffs, let alone finish with a winning record. I never want to sit through that again because I love playoff baseball. Most people were upset when we traded Alcides Escobar, Lorenzo Cain, Jeremy Jeffress and Jake Odorizzi for Zack Greinke and Brett Lawrie for Shaun Marcum. After the excitement that was the 2011 season, how can any Brewers fan say that those were bad trades? Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but seriously folks. Last year was incredible, and we wouldn't have gotten there without our pitchers. But fear not! The majority of them are coming back in 2012. So saddle up my friends and prepare for a wild ride. But make sure you are also prepared to see some low scoring games. The runs are going to be down but so will the ERAs. And in this game people, that's what's important. And here is my way of convincing you that I am right. WARNING: THIS VIDEO IS EQUAL PARTS RIDICULOUS AND OFFENSIVE. IT INCLUDES WORDS THAT NO ONE UNDER THE AGE OF 70 SHOULD HEAR. PLEASE LOOK OVER BOTH SHOULDERS BEFORE PLAYING THIS AND KEEP THE VOLUME LOW. WE HAVE PROBLEMS. DON'T STOOP TO OUR LEVEL BY FOLLOWING IN OUR FOOTSTEPS. IF YOU MUST, PRESS PLAY. I WOULDN'T IF I WERE YOU:
Yovani Gallardo
Preseason Prediction: 17-7 record, 3.31 ERA, 210 innings pitched, 213 strikeouts, .238 batting avg, 3 HRs, 9 RBI and my idol because in his heart every day is Cinco de Mayo.
Gallardo is the staff ace even though technically Greinke is the better pitcher and will have the better year. I hate to admit it because I have been the World's biggest Gallardo fan since he first came up in 2007. He is one of the reasons I decided to convert to a Mexican, but my jealously sometimes consumes me because I will only be a born-again Mexican while Gallardo is a full-blooded Mexican, having been born in Michoacan, Mexico. He can wear a sombrero any time he wants and no one thinks that it is weird. I get stares cast in my general direction. Gallardo gets the start on Opening Day for the 3rd year in a row because of seniority even though he's still in the early stages of his career at just 26 years old. During his first few starts he will match up against the other team's #1 starter which will certainly affect his win total but all of that evens itself once off days mess up the rotation. So in reality the #1 tag only matters for Opening Day and in the playoffs. Otherwise I'm fine with having Gallardo and Greinke share the title of Ace. For years Gallardo has show a certain calmness and poise on the mound beyond his years which has translated into a lot of success in his career. And he's getting better with every pitch, every inning and every start. Along with Greinke he will form one of the National League's best 1-2 punches and he'll certainly have to now that the previous 1-2 punch (Braun/Fielder) is no more. Pitching wins, and Gallardo will be one of the key factors in getting them back to the playoffs.
Zack Greinke
Preseason Prediction: 20-8 record, 2.98 ERA, 219 innings pitched, 235 strikeouts, .202 batting avg, 1 HR, 5 RBIs, top 5 finisher in the NL Cy Young Award and a Brewers player for the next 5 years due to a contract extension.
Did you get all of that? What a difference a year can make. I loved that the Brewers traded for Greinke and was anxiously looking forward to his debut... then I had to wait until May 4th (on the road) and May 9 (at home) to see him pitch. Greinke really rubbed me the wrong way when he broke a few ribs prior to Spring Training last year and I held a grudge against him for the better part of the year. I had a pretty good reason though because he was 7-3 with a 5.45 ERA before the All-Star Break and 9-3 with a 2.59 ERA after the All-Star Break. It was obvious he wasn't fully healed from the injury and his stats show it. But when he was healthy he was downright nasty and that's exactly how he is going be in 2012. Greinke is going to be filthy. He's going to be sick. He's going to make you forget all about homeruns. I wouldn't doubt if he had close to 10 strikeouts every start and dominated the hitters, making them look silly in the process. Greinke suffers from social anxiety disorder which makes him seem like a crazy person. He speaks his mind when he feels like it and keeps his mouth shut when he doesn't. His personality is can be a little offsetting but I appreciate someone who doesn't bullshit. But the real reason that I think Greinke will have a Cy Young worthy year is that he seems comfortable in Milwaukee and has begun to open up to his teammates and the media and dare we say it, seems to be having fun here. If he's loose and relaxed and only has to go out there and pitch, he's going to light up everyone who steps in the batter's box against him. It'll be like fishing with dynamite. It won't even be fair. Because of that he will make the NL All-Star team and be considered to start it. And then at some point in the season the Brewers will offer him a 5-year extension worth somewhere between $70-80 million dollars that will ensure Milwaukee fans some pretty damn good baseball over the next few years. Keep your eyes open during all of his starts because if I'm right, you will not have seen seen someone this dominant since CC Sabathia's performance in 2008.
Randy Wolf
Preseason Prediction: 12-9 record, 3.80 ERA, 205 innings pitched, 126 strikeouts, .185 batting avg, and person, not a wolf, meaning that I'll have to go elsewhere to get some pointers on what it takes to be Fat Teen Wolf in time for the movie sequel.
When the Brewers signed Randy Wolf to a 3-year contract prior to the 2010 season I was worried that he was going to be another Jeff Suppan. He was known as a veteran, middle of the road, innings-eater pitcher who would stabilize a starting rotation. But that is where the similarities between him and Suppan end. You all know how Soup didn't pitch so great despite what Ned Yost said. In fact, Wolf was the most consistent pitcher in the 2011 season and finished with a 13-10 record with a 3.69 ERA. Not too damn bad for a #3/4 starter. The best thing about Randy Wolf is that you know exactly what you are going to get out of him every time he toes the rubber - at least 6 innings and 3 earned runs allowed. When a starter does that the team has a chance to win the game every single time. You can't ask for much more than that. Some might say that for the amount we're paying him (approximately $9.5 million a year) we should be getting more but here's the reality folks - that's the going rate for that kind of pitcher. Kind of like the going rate of $80 a month if you want to sleep on my couch. Not too many ladies have taken me up on that offer but I've had to turn away plenty of dudes. Just saying. And I'm also just saying that Randy Wolf couldn't be any better in 2012 than he was in 2011 even he if pulled an Animorphs and turned into a real wolf on the mound. He could snarl and howl at the moon but that isn't going to change his pitching style. But I'm ok with that though because every rotation needs that guy you can count on for 200 innings a year. Even though Wolf could go renegade Lorenzo Lamas style from time to time, by the end of the year he's going to be middle of the road. And there is nothing wrong with that. And the best part about it is that every day he pitches you get some free money management tips from my accountant George Kottaras because he serves as Wolf's personal catcher. It's like killing two birds with one stone you murderer. I don't see why you would harm defenseless animals but you're going to hell because of it. Say hi to Satan for me. But until you go there know this one thing - Randy Wolf will be fine in 2012 and I wouldn't mind having him around for a couple of more years.
Shaun Marcum
Preseason Prediction: 14-9 record, 3.69 ERA, 185 innings pitched, 141 strikeouts, .161 batting avg, 0 HRs, 3 RBIs and earning back some of the respect he lost from the fans due to his abysmal performance in the 2011 playoffs.
You often remember a first impression of someone and carry that with you for as long as you know them, good or bad. It's not fair because obviously people are so much deeper than a momentary glimpse or action and for many it takes a lot of time and digging to find the true person. In my opinion, Shaun Marcum made a good first impression with Brewers fans by going 3-1 with a 2.21 ERA in the month of April (during Greinke's absence) including 3 starts where he didn't give up a run. But if there is such a thing as a final impression well then Marcum left a sour taste in the mouth of every single fan in Brewers Nation. Although you hate to point the finger at one player (because that ruins the whole team concept) Marcum had a lot to do with the Brewers' failure in the NLDS Game 3 (4.2 innings pitched, 7 earned runs for a 13.50 ERA), NLCS Game 2 (4 innings pitched, 5 earned runs for a 11.25 ERA) and Game 6 (1 inning pitched, 4 earned runs for a 16.20 ERA). I'm surprised that people didn't show up at his door with pitchforks and torches. Thanks for staying classy Milwaukee. I hope now you can understand how important pitching is. Without Shaun Marcum we wouldn't have even made the playoffs. But at the same time it was because of pitching like this (and let's not act like Zack Greinke, Chris Narveson or Randy Wolf were much better) that we lost in the NLCS and failed to make it to the World Series. But that's last year. Marcum has talked about his performance last year and he sounds sincere about it. He worked hard in the offseason to not let it happen again, tweaking his delivery style to involve his legs more to take some of the pressure off of his arm. Due to some shoulder stiffness he's only made a few starts in Spring Training but they have been outstanding. I really think he's going to have another good year without the steep plummeting decline that he had last year. There won't be any cliff diving here folks. No explosions, no theatric-staged deaths and no quicksand. Sorry everyone. If you came here to watch someone fail go somewhere else. This isn't TMZ. No train wrecks here, just quality pitching. Marcum will be just fine people. Now lay off of him and start heckling someone who really deserves it. Like Ryan Braun.
Chris Narveson
Preseason Prediction: 11-8 record, 4.53 ERA, 165 innings pitched, 121 strikeouts, .201 batting avg, 4 RBIs and the scurviest scallywag of a staaarrr-tarrr in the Major Leagues.
The Narv-dog is one of the best #5 starters you'll find in a starting rotation and he'll be even better this year because he understands his role. All that he has to do is give the team a chance to win and he'll easily win 10-12 games. He doesn't have the puree stuff to get away with mistakes like a Greinke or Gallardo but he makes up for it with effort and throwing strikes. He reminds me of another Brewers pitcher from a few years back by the name of Dave Bush. He'll show flashes of brilliance and dominance, but for the most part he throws strikes and tries to put the ball in play to rely on the defense to back him up. I wish that I had more nice things to say about Narveson but I don't have any. He's just one of those players who are what they are, no more no less. It's been well documented on this site that you can say his last name like a pirate, so that's pretty cool. He's got that going for him which is more than I can say about me. My last name is Reck. People (like my High School Health/Gym teacher Mr. Haas) think they are being clever when they address me by last name and add something too it like Car Reck, Train Reck or when I was with my older brother James - The Recking Crew. Ha ha ha. I get it. Because Reck sounds just like wreck. Fucking hilarious. I've heard every variation of my name so much that it sickens me when someone tries to be funny. I wonder if N-aaaaaaaarrrrrr-veson gets tired of people saying his name like a pirate would. I bet he doesn't for two reasons - I doubt anyone even elongates the aaaaarrrrrrr to make it sound pirateish and 2 - no one gets sick of pirates or pirate humor. What disease do old pirates suffer from? Parrrrkinsons disease! Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they can spend years at C! What did the pirate say to man who insulted him? I know you ARR, but what am AYE?!!!! What kind of grades did the pirate get in school? HIGH SEAS! Have you heard about the new pirate movie? It's rated AARRRRRR! Why? Because of all the booty! How much does Pirate corn cost? A Buccaneer. Why is pirating addictive? They say once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked! Classic.
Marco Estrada
Preseason Prediction: 3-6 record, 4.12 ERA, 85 innings pitched, 4 starts, 73 strikeouts and the best little brother "CHiPs" star Erik Estrada ever had.
Every team needs a 6th starter. The Brewers were lucky last year to only use 6 starting pitchers during the course of the season, and you don't have to religiously follow baseball to know that it is an abnormality. Let's face it - injuries happen and you can't avoid them. That's why depth is key at the major league and minor league levels. And quality depth is important too. Manny Parra can make a spot start if necessary because he has experience as a starter, but do you really want him to do that? No, which is why a Marco Estrada is so important to the team if they want to succeed. Every team needs that long man in the bullpen to go multiple innings should the starter have a bad day and can't make it out of the 3rd inning or when the game goes into the 13th inning and you just need someone to throw the ball to get through the game. Might as well be a quality guy. Hopefully Estrada gets less than 5 starts during the year (he made 7 starts in 2011) because if he gets any more than that it means that one of the 5 regular starters is on the DL for an extended period of time. I'm not saying that Estrada is a bad pitcher, I'm just saying that there are 5 guys on this team that are better than him. Deal with it. But aside from K-Rod and Axford there is no guy in the bullpen that is more important than Estrada because he fills a very important role. And hopefully when he goes home to his wife he fills a very important hole. Goodness. I promised only to be crass in the video and present myself as an academic scholar in text. So much for that. Might as well just destroy any respectability and credibility that I have left with the next few words: Scrotum. Flaccid. Penal system. Member. Parts. Tallywhacker. Sausage. Johnson. Engorged. Throbbing. Slot. Crevice. Moist. Wet. Cans. Totties. Mounds. Honkers. Knockers. Melons. Hooters. Fun Bags. Lake Titicaca. Erected. I have officially sunk to the lowest depths of integrity. It's a sad day for me and my family.
Tim Dillard
Preseason Prediction: 2-3 record, 4.12 ERA, 37 games, 42 innings and continuing the legend in AAA Nashville when he is cut for a younger, better (but less interesting) pitcher who suits the needs of the Major League club.
It's incredibly difficult to predict anything about Dillard because he never sticks around in the big leagues long enough to put together a good sample size. In 2011 he pitched in 24 games covering 28.2 innings and compiled a 4.08 ERA. Not exactly Earth shattering. But here's the thing - what you don't know about Tim Dillard is what makes him one of the most fascinating people in all of baseball, if not the entire world. Ladies and Gentlemen - The Legend of Tim Dillard. Timothy Charles Dillard was born in Sarasota, FL to Barney and Marilyn Dillard on a warm July day in 1983. While this may not sound out of the usual because babies are born every day, Dillard just appeared. Marilyn was never pregnant, nor did Barney and his wife ever make love. One day he wasn't there and the next he was. Fearing that he was an unholy apparition Marilyn tried on multiple occasions to rid herself of the child. She dropped him off at a local orphanage. The next day he was back in his room playing with trucks. The family took a vacation to the Everglades and she let him wander in the swamp to "play" with the alligators. He emerged wearing gator shoes and carrying two fine briefcases. When Hurricane Andrew hit in 1992 she sent him into the eye of the storm alone without supplies for 12 days and he returned with a schooner for the family. He was poisoned, stabbed, shot, hung, stretched, disemboweled, drawn and quartered. His mother wasn't exactly a fan of him. To her he was known as Dillard the Cruel, Dillard the Torturer, Dillard the Despised, and Dillard the Unholy. But she was wrong. When all efforts went for naught Marilyn had a revelation that her son was on Earth for a grand purpose and she sent Tim on sabbatical to the Mountains of Tibet to pray and meditate with the Dalai Lama. In his 7 years in Tibet he learned the cure for Cancer, how to transform himself into the Incredible Hulk, how to solve a Rubik's Cube, where Waldo is at all times, the true navy definition of being under siege, how to pleasure a woman using only his eyebrows and why you should never wear white after Labor Day, amongst other things. After leaving Tibet he became a First Class Petty Officer on the Submersible Navy vessel USS San Juan (SSN-751) which is where he learned his trademarked submarine-style pitching delivery as well as how to make foot-long hoagies. He would later open up his own sandwich shop in the New York borough of Brooklyn with his brother Tony called Dill Brothers' Subs. The key ingredient on their sandwiches? Pickles of course. While training with Sasquatch for the United States Curling Team for the 2002 Olympic Games in Salt Lake City he was drafted by the Milwaukee Brewers and decided to give up his Gold Medal dreams, his girlfriend Joanna, his job as getaway driver for the Chicago Mafia and his position of Headmaster of the Australian School of Art and Design in Sydney to concentrate on his real love - baseball. Although he has mostly put his past behind him to concentrate on his craft, in the offseason he still takes the time to genetically engineer rats with hypersensitive hearing, figure out the algorithm that will solve the National Debt, isolate the gene that causes childhood obesity and practice competitive eating to beat Kobayashi and bring the Hot Dog eating title back home where it belongs. Not too shabby for a man who has been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's and is addicting to pain medication. But that is only the beginning. The Legend continues in 2o12 and Tim Dillard is a mountain of a man. The Brewers are lucky to have him be a part of their team and in their bullpen this year.
Manny Parra
Preseason Prediction: 3-3 record, 3.99 ERA, 58 innings pitched 72 strikeouts and make Brewers fans remember why they were so high on him years ago. And it wasn't the weed.
Manuel Elizabeth Parra is something of an enigma. I remember when he came up in 2007 and looked like the #2 starter to go alongside Yovani Gallardo and form a pretty good 1-2 that would knock hitters down as the future of the Brewers rotation. And then he never really amounted to much. He was basically useless as a starter and consistently had an ERA over 5 with a disappointing record to match. He had all the talent in the world as well as an assortment of pitches that should have seen him succeed. But he never did. Some might say that his inability to stay healthy was to blame while others may blame his mental makeup. Someone in the Brewers organization must have had enough and made the decision to switch him to a reliever. They probably got a look at his 2-7 record with a 6.19 ERA in the first half of 2010. As soon as he came out of the bullpen it was a completely different story and he excelled with a 1-3 record with a 2.39 ERA. Although the win-loss total doesn't stand out as anything special the ERA is the real story here. Watching him pitch you just knew that he was more effective when he didn't have to go through the lineup 2 or 3 times and when he could give max effort in a 1 inning stint. That is why I was excited for him in 2011 because he would no longer be used as a starter and would be used in a position where he had seemed to find success. In Spring Training of 2011 he pitched to 1 batter then exited the game, and he would not pitch another inning as he went on the DL with back, arm and elbow issues. In August he underwent surgery to remove a bone spur and replace a screw that was inserted from a previous injury. Basically 2011 was a lost year for Sir Panny of Marra. Welcome to 2012 pal - a make it or break it year you. He was damn good in Spring Training, compiling no record in 8 games, 9.2 innings with a 1.86 ERA. That's good enough to make the bullpen on its' own but the fact that he is out of minor league options (meaning that if he didn't make the team he would have to clear waivers in which another team has the option to acquire him before he could be sent to the minors) solidified his position on the team in 2012. As long as he is used properly in 1 inning stretches he will be the left-hander in the bullpen that the Brewers were sorely missing in 2o11. I expect great things out of Manny and I feel like he will finally live up to his hype, albeit in a much different role than originally forecasted. Get ready for the new and improved Manny.
Kameron Loe
Preseason Prediction: 2-4 record, 3.48 ERA, 66 innings pitched, 54 strikeouts and the tallest man in the Midwest that I care about since Robert Wadlow.
Kameron Loe is much better than people give him credit for. He was the lightning rod of criticism during the 1st half of 2011 and may have been the sole reason that the Brewers traded for K-Rod. Loe's issue last year stems from the kind of pitcher that he is. He throws a sinkerball, which does exactly what it sounds like it does. That fucker sinks faster than the Titanic. Woah woah! Too soon? But when Loe gets tired from overuse he starts to leave the pitch up and elevated in the strike zone and instead of being hit on the ground, that thing is hit harder and further than Tina Turner. Too soon? Nope. It's never too soon. Loe pitched too much in the first half of the season and his 4.50 ERA and 3-7 record reflected his exhaustion. When the Brewers acquired Francisco Rodriguez the bullpen roles were defined and Loe was able to pitch in situations where a groundball was needed to turn a double play, and in the 2nd half of the season he was one of the best pitchers out of the bullpen and his 1.93 ERA with a 1-0 record proves that. Newcomer Jose Veras is projected as the 7th inning guy, the 8th inning once again belongs to K-Rod and the 9th belongs to the Ax-man Loe will be brought in only when his pitching style is most effective and he should be able to stay on proper rest. He is incredibly valuable to the team because at 6'8" he is the tallest member of the Milwaukee Brewers. He can get things off of high shelves, change the batteries in the smoke detectors in the clubhouse, clean the overhead fans in the Gehl Club, see over the crowd at a rock concert and he can sit like a normal human being on a bar stool while everyone else is kicking their legs like a little kid. Plus I'm pretty sure that he could slam dunk. And not just on one of those plastic Fisher Price hoops like I can do. I'm talking about real basketball hoops. That must be sweet. I look up to Kameron Loe. I mean it. Literally. HAH!
Jose Veras
Preseason Prediction: 2-3 record, 4.08 ERA, 61 innings pitched, 64 strikeouts and better than the hodgepodge collection of old bowling shoes, miscellaneous board game pieces and Nerf ball assortment that he was traded for.
We had an extra infielder. Pittsburgh had an extra relief pitcher. So we swapped players. Criss Cross! Casey McGehee for Jose Veras. It was like trading POGs or Pokemon cards with your buddies. Both of the parties probably feel like they swindled the other but time will tell on that one. I was always a big fan of Casey McGehee but I think his time was up. He had a few good years. Plus the signing of Aramis Ramirez and Taylor Green waiting in the minors left him as a man without a position. So he gathered up his bags and left town. Hopefully the used luggage that we got in return will have a better year than Casey McGehee would have had but it is hard to compare since one is a pitcher and one is a position player. So here is where the comparison ends. But it truly never really began. Veras is a big guy and at 6'6" and 240 pounds he'd probably be better served bouncing at a club or providing security for Wiz Khalifa. I have no idea who that is but I've heard the kids talk about him. He must be some kind of rapper or something. I don't get kids today and I don't understand current Pop Culture. But I digress... The point I was trying to get at is that Veras looks like a pretty imposing figure and once he stands on the pitcher's mound he gains an additional 10 1/2 inches, which makes him a pretty menacing figure to behold. Good gravy! He must look like a Beast out there! I bet the opposing teams are rallying to round up Gaston so that he can kill the Beast! But in the end he's no Beast, he's just some sweet-hearted Prince who made a mistake and got cursed and true love can break the spell before the last rose petal falls. I believe in love and fairy tales. I'm such a hopeless romantic. This Beast has been cured of his hideous looks, so where is the belle that will capture my heart? I'm open to just about every girl out there but no cartoons please. Not only are they not real but that didn't work out too well for Marvin Acme or Detective Frank Harris. Never get mixed up with a Toon.
Francisco "K-Rod" Rodriguez
Preseason Prediction: 3-2 record, 2.57 ERA, 67 innings pitched, 76 strikeouts, 5 saves and part of the best one-two punches since Chris Farley and David Spade.
Doug Melvin pulled out a steal of a trade when he sent a few guys I've never heard of for Rodriguez while also taking on his remaining salary and a dangerous vesting clause that was quickly dropped. I don't have to tell you what he did last year because you all watched it last season. He gave us a shutdown guy in the 8th inning and coupled with Axford in the 9th made it a 7 inning game. Both of them were automatic and K-Rod's arrival in Milwaukee solidified the entire pitching staff, not just the bullpen. It was then everyone's roles were defined and every player knew exactly what they needed to do on any given night. It truly was a team concept that they had there even though K-Rod and The Ax-man got all of the credit. K-Rod worried me because he made it pretty clear that he was unhappy in his role as a set-up man and he wanted to be a closer somewhere. Closers get all the glory, they get all the credit and they get all the pussy. When the season ended I was almost certain K-Rod would move on and then he accepted arbitration which essentially guaranteed that he's be back on the team in 2012 at a salary in the realm of what he made in 2011, which was somewhere around $11.5 million. No set-up man is worth that amount so I was worried that we would be committing too much money to him, no matter how good he was last year. But when he settled on a 1 year contract worth $8 million (which is still a lot for a guy who will only pitch 60-some innings) I was kind of ok with it because it meant that our entire pitching staff which was pretty damn good in 2011 would return in full effect in 2012. There ain't nothing wrong with that folks. So as long as K-Rod keeps his mouth shut and buys into this whole team-first approach we should have one of the most dominant bullpens in all of MLB. Here's still here! Open and shut case Johnson. I saw this once before when I was a Rookie. Apparently this man broke in and hung up pictures of his family everywhere. Let's sprinkle some crack on him and get out of here.
John Axford
Preseason Prediction: 2-3 record, 2.48 ERA, 69 innings pitched, 81 strikeouts, 41 saves in 46 chances and an inspiration to every man, woman and child who has ever wanted to grow a Mustache.
Who wants a mustache ride? Woah woah woah people, slow down. Not all at once. Wait your turn. Axford isn't going anywhere anytime soon and it looks like we may have found our closer for the next few years. But don't start Jumping to Conclusions Tom Smykowski style yet because Axford still has something to prove. How can that be? After setting the Milwaukee Brewers franchise record record for saves in a season with 46 and only blowing 2 saves all year, how could he have anything left to prove? Why are there still people who doubt the ability of the Ax-man to hack the competition apart? It all has to do with the previous closers in Milwaukee and they're tendency to flame out or leave town after a year or two of success. Trevor Hoffman. Salomon Torres. Eric Gagne. Francisco Coredero. Derrick Turnbow. Dan Kolb. Mike DeJean. Curtis Leskanic. And that's only the last 10 years. 9 closers in 10 years. That's enough to make anyone question the position. So it's going to take one more good year out of Axford before people start to believe that he is the long-term answer to finish games. Personally I've seen enough and I find it hard to believe that he would totally fall off of the map and disappear completely without a trace. He's a damn good pitcher because he throws hard enough to fool batters and doesn't rely entirely on his fastball, because he has some nice breaking pitches as well. When he is able to spot his curveball he is unbelievable because he can keep the hitters guessing.
Once again Axford is going to be called upon to put an end to the ape uprising and it won't even matter if Caesar possesses hyper intelligence. Ape vs. Mustache? Mustache always wins. It's just like playing a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors and Mustache. You know which one trumps all. Mustaches always win. Why do you think Cavemen were able to destroy all of the Dinosaurs and cause them to go extinct? That's because Cavemen didn't shave their Mustaches. Dinosaurs did. Why is Mark Twain considered the greatest American storyteller? His Mustache. Charlie Chaplin was the greatest silent actor of all time. Why? Because he let his Mustache do the talking. Why was Adolf Hitler feared? Because of his Mustache. Most people think that Albert Einstein figured out the Theory of Relativity. Nope, it was his Mustache. Why was Lando Calrissian allowed to pilot the Millennium Falcon? Because he had a mustache. How has Wilford Brimley been able to live with diabetes? His Mustache produces insulin. How did Rollie Fingers make it into Baseball's Hall of Fame in Cooperstown? Because he has the best Mustache in Major League history. Why was Tom Selleck voted the Sexiest Man of All Time? The Mustache. With great Mustache comes great responsibility though, so don't expect Axford to slack off now that he is firmly entrenched in the closer's role. Many mustachioed men have come before him and have done great things. He knows that it is time for him to step up and take his place in the Mustache Hall of Fame. The time is now. The place is Miller Park. This summer grow out your mustache in solidarity with him and we can all stand together as one giant Mustache.
The pitching staff is the strength of this team. Why do you have a problem with that? Have you not learned anything useful after perusing through this dreck? Didn't you sift through the rocks and clay to find the little shards of gold littered throughout this article? No? Then you aren't mining properly. I'm gonna set you up with this old prospector that I know. His name is Jacob Snively and he discovered rich gold deposits near the Gila River, some 20 miles above its junction with the Colorado River. This discovery precipitated the first real gold rush in Arizona. He knows his stuff. So listen to Prospector Snively and I hope you listen to me as well when I say get used to low scoring games with some quality pitching as the game has changed here in Milwaukee. But you know what? It's still going to produce the same results. Sure it will be difficult to replicate the success of last season. Everyone knows that. But just remember that good things are on the horizon. Good things! You're gonna like the way things look. I guarantee it.
Thanks for sticking with me through all of this nonsense. I hope you were able to make it all the way to the end with me. I did things a little differently this year and I'm guessing that it produced similar results - I offended you. I'd apologize for that but there is no cause for that. If you come here and are familiar with my work then you know I can be a bit crass at times and I basically write how I think/talk. If you don't like it there are plenty of other sites out there on the internet to check out. This how/who I am and I'm not going to change it because I don't have a problem with it. Being like this may prohibit me from ever tricking someone into falling in love with me and raising a family, but we all have to take a hit somewhere, right? Besides, you wouldn't trust me with kids. How could I tell them that swearing, drink and referring to women as broads is a bad thing? That would be hypocritical. I'm not going to live a lie. Life is too short for that shit. Like it or not this is the way it going to be around here. Deal with it. Well, take it easy!
- pookon -
www.pookon.com
email: pookondotcom@gmail.com
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