... I'd rather be dead than be one of them. I've been wearing glasses since like 5th grade. When I was in High School, I wanted to stop looking like a dorky little nerd and asked my parents for contacts. I've been wearing them ever since. I hardly ever wear my glasses in public and sometimes go through excruciating pain to not have spectacles adorn my face. I don't know what it is. I don't think that I look all that bad in glasses and at age 34, I certainly don't care what other people think about me or fear for them calling me names anymore. But still I wear my contacts even when my eyes feel like they are on fire. I guess I just long to be "normal" and appear that I have perfect vision like everyone else. But the other day my eyes were bloodshot red and tearing up from whatever particles adhered themselves to those thin plastic lenses. I could barely see and I was struggling to make sense of the World around me. I didn't have my contact case or my glasses with me, so I just had to tough it out. I had to drive home from work, and half an eye on each side was better than no contacts at all. (Note - I'm nearsighted, so I can't see objects clearly in the distance, which means I cannot drive without corrective lenses). It was then that I realized that there is no way in hell I could ever live without the use of my eyes. I hate to say it, but I think I'd rather be dead than to be blind.
If I absolutely had to choose between blindness and death, I honestly can't say that I would choose death. Who wants to die? But seriously right now think about living the rest of your life without the ability to see. To never see a sunset/sunrise. To not be able freely navigate in your World. To not be able to watch a movie. To not gaze longingly into the eyes of that person you love. To not notice non-verbal communicative signals that a person is giving off. To not see colors. Or shapes. Or anything at all. I am a very visual person. I appreciate my other senses, but vision is the one that I would least want to lose. I admire blind people more than I can ever convey. To live with that disability would be the worst. How do they even leave the house? The World is crazy messed up place. Crossing the street with your sight is hard enough. How do you manage without it? How do you purchase groceries? Or use the internet? How do you live a "normal" life? I'm not kidding when I say that when I wake up every morning and open my eyes that I am thankful to see my bedroom (or whatever room that I pass out in). Most people take this for granted. I think about this every day. Because I can't imagine what it would be like to not be able to see the World around you.
I get a taste of this every now and then when my eyes decide to be assholes and partially rob me of my vision. But even then it is a slight irritation or blurriness. My eyes look like they do in the picture on the right and everyone at work thinks I am just high as shit. So I play it off. I ask people for snacks and I act aloof and distant. I'd rather be known as the work stoner than to be the one with eye problems. That's messed up. I would rather admit to using drugs than to admit there was something preventing me from having perfect vision. I don't even know what causes these problems. I wear contacts like a normal person and I take them out at night. But still my eyes hurt. Then I go 24-48 hours without wearing contacts and my eyes still hurt. There is no end to this vicious cycle. Without corrective surgery, I will never have the vision that I crave. I want to wake up and be able to clearly see my alarm clock. I want to drive or look at a computer without plastic lenses in or hovering over my eyes. I want to be "normal". There is a solution to my problem. I can get LASIK eye surgery to fix my eyes. But there currently is no cure for blindness. So while I'm sitting here complaining about this First World Problem, there are people out there who would give up so many things to have my blurry vision.
I guess it is hard to walk to walk a mile in the shoes of the blind. I think that if I take off my glasses (or take out my contacts) and try to navigate the World, it is the same thing. It isn't. Not even close. The truth is that I will never know what it is like to be blind unless it actually happens to me. I don't want that to happen. I pray that doesn't happen to me. I couldn't handle it. I'm not strong enough. I would give up. I would refuse to carry on. I would sit there and do nothing until I withered away and died. I do not wish to be blind. So I have an incredible amount of respect for someone that is. In my head I wouldn't want to know what it is to lack vision. How about you? In your mind, could you walk among the blind as one of them?
- pookon -
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