I never considered myself to be a scientist but I'd like to try a little experiment. Actually I'd like to enlist the help of the most notable scientist in the world Emmett L. "Doc" Brown to help me out seeing as how I failed chemistry and got a D in physics. After all I am more of an athlete (with beer pong and frisbee being my sports) than a mathlete. But here is my experiment. I want to put together a rag-tag baseball team featuring myself and The Great Hambino and Scotty Smalls from The Sandlot, Chet "The Rocket" Stedman and Henry Rowengartner from Rookie of the Year, Air Bud from Seventh Inning Fetch, Clark from The Benchwarmers, Montgomery Brewster and Spike Nolan from Brewster's Millions, Ed the Chimpanzee from Ed, Roger Dorn and Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn from Major League, Doris Murphy and Mae Mordabito from A League of Their Own, Danny Hemmerling and Mel Clark from Angels in the Outfield, Max 'Hammer' Dubois from Mr. Baseball and Stan Ross from Mr. 3000. I'm sure we would sprinkle in a couple of other seasoned veterans like Jake Taylor from Major League or Crash Davis from Bull Durham but for the most part we'd be a bunch of role players. And of course we would be managed by George Knox from Angels in the Outfield, the bench coach would be Conor O'Neil from Hard Ball, the hitting coach would be Jimmy Dugan from A League of Their Own and the pitching coach would be Phil Brickma from Rookie of the Year. I don't know why I would need Doc Brown to help me with this experiment because this seems more like a "Round 'Em Up" type job that Bill and Ted would be more apt to deal with, but either way here is what I would like to do: I want to get these guys together and play against the Houston Astros because I have no doubt that my fictional team would be able to beat them. Shit, anyone could beat them because they are the worst baseball team. I would invest my life savings to make that match-up happen. But sadly we didn't get that game. We got to see the hapless Astros manhandle the Brewers and their inept bullpen.
The Astros are well on their way to losing a 100 games but our decrepit bullpen helped stave that by allowing them to win Games 1 + 2 in the final inning of each of those games and prove to every man woman and child in Milwaukee that they really are that bad. I really don't know how else to say it. There is no spin that I can put on it to make it sound any better. We flat out gave this series away and proved once again that there really is no place like home. That hot piece of ass Dorothy was right all along. She clicked her slippers when she said it. You all remember that part. Hell it's ingrained in your memory as much as the Wicked Witch jumping over a dirt hill on a motorcycle. You don't remember that? Then you must not have been watching my Nana's copy of the movie. Because that's one of the memories that I hold dear from my childhood that the booze has been unable to destroy. And I won't ever let it be taken away from me like Liam Neeson's daughter. Not on my watch. I could sit here and go on and on about how pathetic our bullpen has been this year and how it was totally exposed in this series, but you've already heard that story. How about a story that you never have heard? I peed my pants in the changing room of the J.C. Penny's Outlet Store (which I lovingly referred to as Ghetto Penny's) when I was a teenager because I couldn't hold it in anymore. I don't know why I didn't just stop trying on pants and go to the real restroom but I guess that's because it was far away at the front of the store. Needless to say I was really embarrassed and I left the clothes I was trying on in the changing room and I begged my Mom to leave. She couldn't tell because my clothes that I wore there were not soaked with urine. That was probably the last time I peed my pants when I was not in the water and I still think about it to this day. Who does that? Gross. Would you rather hear about that or the Milwaukee Brewers? You voted Brewers? And so did everyone else? Damn it. I guess I shouldn't have told that story then. Boy is my face red... I should't have dressed as the Kool Aid Kool Man for Halloween...
I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this. That John Denver is full of shit man. I haven't been to Colorado since 2001 and I've been itching to go back ever since. I was supposed to go to this series with the one and only Mad Man Dave Foley because he has family out there but I decided not to. He still went but I opted out because it was a weekday series. I get a limited amount of vacation time at work and if I want to do a Brewers roadtrip it most likely has to be during the weekend. That was the only thing stopping me from venturing out to to Coors Field but in hindsight I'm glad I sat on my couch back home in Milwaukee. Game 1 was not as close as it looks like in the box score as Michael Fiers, one of the true shining lights in an otherwise dim season, had his first awful showing of the year as he gave up 8 runs in just 2 innings of work. The offense put up 3 garbage runs in the 9th to make it respectable. Game 2 was just as bad as Randy Wolf continued his horrid 2012 season by allowing 6 runs over 5 innings (and 4 in the 1st inning) to put the Brewers into an early hole which they couldn't dig themselves out of. Once again they managed to score 3 garbage runs in the 9th to make it look like a close game. They were in line to salvage Game 3 and avoid the sweep but Henderson blew the save and allowed 2 runs in the 9th inning to close out a horrific 1-5 roadtrip. It was ugly. And trust me man I know ugly. For some reason I continue to look in the mirror on a daily basis despite already knowing what stares back at me. I went to my Doctor and I said "Hey Doc - every day I wake up and look in the mirror I want to throw up! What's wrong with me?" And he said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect!" My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. So you're ugly too!" It was an ugly series, and even though I know I would have had a great time in Colorado, I'm glad I didn't leave the Dairy State. There will be plenty of time left for roadtrips. I'll try another year when the Brewers don't suck so much away from Miller Park. Will that ever happen?
Friday August 10 - Sunday August 12. Milwaukee Brewers vs Houston Astros at Minute Maid Park. Games 111 - 113 of 162. This was embarrassing. What a bunch of nonsense. All I ask for this team now is to finish with a respectable record but it seems every member of the bullpen is hell-bent on blowing that idea right out of the water, older grown-up Peter Banning style. Peter - you've become a Pirate! Houston is the worst team in MLB and possibly of all time. Before Friday's game when Axford blew the save Houston had not had a walk-off win ALL YEAR LONG! Geez, has it really been that long? All year? And then thanks to Henderson on Saturday, Houston walked it off AGAIN! 2 in a row! 2 blown saves! I'm mad that I care and still get upset by this crap. And the Astros who were just 36-77 before they took the series against our bullpen. They didn't beat our offense or our starting pitching. They beat our bullpen. And they nearly swept us but Kameron Loe figured out how to do something Henderson and Axford couldn't - close out a game. But he's not the answer there. Hell no. I don't know what's going on or how to fix it. I don't pretend to have it figured out. I'm just a guy writing about this baseball team. And Zombies. Astros 4, Brewers 3. Astros 6, Brewers 5. Brewers 5, Astros 3.
Monday August 13 - Wednesday August 15. Milwaukee Brewers vs Colorado Rockies at Coors Field. Games 114 - 116 of 162. What in the world just happened over the last few days? The bigger question is why do I still care? It's like they set out to lose the game and accidentally win every now and then. How do you lose the series to the f#cking Houston Astros and then get swept by the Colorado Rockies? Both teams are close or more than 30 games under .500! Shit. Then how bad are we? Let me tell you. By season's end we will be one of the 5 worst teams in the Major Leagues. Suck on that Milwaukee. I don't know why I'm so vulgar right now but Randy Wolf (game 2) and Michael Fiers (game 1) and the bullpen (game 3) really have me in a tizzy right now. Is losing fun? Do you like this? Are you having fun with your deluxe apartments and your Victoria Silvstedt, Playmate of the Year? I hope you're having a good time because I'm not. I don't ever want to go to the ballpark again this season, not even if I am getting paid to be there and even if there is a fire! NOT EVER! But I know I will be there. I love being a loser. That's why I follow this losing team. Rockies 9, Brewers 6. Rockies 8, Brewers 6. Rockies 7, Brewers 6.
Next up the Brewers return home to The Keg to host the NL East last place Philadelphia Phillies and the hopeless Chicago Cubs. Some good has to come out of this because Week 19 was nothing but bad news for your Milwaukee Brewers. That roadtrip put them further away from my personal goal of finishing at .500, but we all know for the most part that goal is a little out of reach. I wish upon a falling star that they would manage to not have a losing record but until they can figure out how to win away from Miller Park all it will ever be is a silly wish. Wishes are supposed to be for faeries, but if there is anything that I learned from The Labyrinth is that David Bowie has a pretty impressive package and that faeries bite instead of doing nice things like granting wishes. Oh yeah, and I also learned that Jennifer Connelly is hot and she can navigate my labyrinth if you know what I mean. Good lord what have I become? Tune in next week as I attempt to figure out where I deviated from the path that would have led me to becoming a normal human being. Until then make sure you don't pee your pants in an outlet store changing room.
- pookon -
www.pookon.com
email: pookondotcom@gmail.com
http://www.facebook.com/MilwaukeeIceman
1 comment:
Hmm.. Its known as your creativity. You are so creative, so keep it friend.
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