25 Brewers in 25 Days - 2014 Recap - 3rd Base

I bet Aramis Ramirez felt real old in 2014. I felt his pain. He turned 36 years old this week. I turned 33. Life was rough for me as I tried to pretend I was still young as I hung out with the kids trying to keep up. It didn't work. No matter how much my brain or my heart was in it, the body just couldn't keep up. I imagine that this is what Ramirez felt like. I don't mean to knock him in any way, because I'm sure the guy could kick my ass. He's in better shape than I could ever dream to be. It's just that playing professional sports (and 162 games in like 180 days) has to take a toll on the body. You don't recover as quick as you once did. You don't have that bounce back the next day. You don't wake up in the morning with that same old pep in your step. I get it. It happens. While this is no excuse, it probably contributed to his mediocre season. He would never admit it (because why would you?), but there comes a time when you just aren't what you used to be. At that point, you think about hanging it up and calling it a career. I did it with Beer Pong. Maybe it's time for Ramirez to do it with baseball.

He really didn't have that bad of a year when you consider it. But aside from the batting average, his numbers were below his career norms. His homerun totals have decreased considerably and his RBIs are not sufficient for someone batting in the cleanup spot. He's in a position (and he's getting paid) to drive in runs, so when he doesn't, you have to hold him accountable for that. He didn't get the job done. If you want to put his season on paper, in black and white, clear as crystal, he didn't steal fizzy lifting drinks. He didn't bump into the ceiling which now needs to be washed. He didn't break the rules. But he DID lose. And he will not have a good day Sir. He was a disappointment. Sorry that I have to label him as that, but I'm done playing nice. The 2014 season really rubbed me the wrong way and I need to take out my anger on someone. Players need to be held accountable and fingers need to be pointed. This one is pointed directly at you Aramis.

Never even mind the money. The money given to professional athletes these days is absurd. As far as the game goes, Ramirez made what a guy of his experience and career averages should make. So let's throw that out the window. The window. The 2nd story window. He's in a position that demands production both in the lineup (batting 4th) and on the field (3rd base). You are paying him for results. He didn't deliver those results. That is the bottom line pal. At that point it is what it is. I don't really have anything to say about his 2014 season, so let's just skip to the part that you all came here for - the ridiculous videos that I do. I don't know how or why it has come to this, but I'll gladly step out of the way and let this motherfucker ascend to the throne. What? He's better than me. Why fight it? You can either stand here and die by the sword or capitulate to the enemy, live out your life and fall in line behind him. I'd rather live in shame than to die with honor.

Check out my 5th video, which recaps 3rd Base for the 2014 Milwaukee Brewers, recorded outside of my house on a Sunday morning. This was during a real bender of a weekend, so I had no idea what was going on at the time. I tried watching it just now, and I still don't have any idea what is going on. Classic.

My house is the home of the Iceman (at least for the time being). This is where I spend the majority of my time and it is also my fortress of solitude (and of no ladies). This is hardly a facility that houses major league talent, but I'm afraid this is all that a man of my statue and build can muster up on short notice. That's just the way life is pal. I'm dealing with it. I don't know why you are having such a hard time with it.

Aramis Ramirez #16 - .292 batting AVG, .365 OBP, 24 HRs, 97 RBIs and a chance to prove that he's only as old as he feels. And I know he's married and has kids, so he won't be feeling up any young hot totties. So Rami - how about throwing some of them my way? Spread the wealth pal.

.285 batting AVG, .330 OBP, 15 HR, 66 RBIs, 133 games plated and another year lost to injury. He ended his 3 year deal with the Brewers on a real down note. He wasn't the sole reason why the Brewers didn't make the playoffs, but his lack of offense in September was as bad as my lack of sexual interaction with the ladies.

I hate writing negative things. I don't want to sit here and tell you something that you already know and rehash some bad times/memories. I want to go out on a good note and finish this up with a hug or a pat on the back that will let you know that everything is going to be OK. But I can't do that. I won't sit here and lie to you. And you know what? There is NO Easter Bunny! Over there, that's just a guy in a suit! And a schooner IS a sailboat, stupid head. And Aramis Ramirez was a shell of his former self in 2014. You can blame his age, the injuries or you can blame Canada. You can even blame it on the rain. 'Cause the rain don't mind. And the rain don't care. You got to blame it on something. Blame it on the rain that was falling, falling. Blame it on the stars that shine at night. But whatever you do don't put the blame on you. Blame it on the rain yeah, yeah.

Did you hear that Ramirez? According to Milli Vanilli, you don't have to stand in the mirror in the morning and place the blame on yourself for what happened in the 2014 season. You can blame in on the rain. It wasn't your fault that the offense crumbled in September that led to your team missing the playoffs. So what if you hit .217 with 1 HR and 5 RBIs in September. This is a team game, right? You can't possibly blame just one guy for the team's faults. The Jackson 5 puts the blame on the boogie. Would you do that as well? Good luck with that one pal. Not many can reach the level of success and notoriety that they did. I doubt that you would be able to follow in their footsteps. But if you do, please let me know when it happens, because I would love to ride your coattails forever and ever so that I don't have to do shit for the rest of my life.

- pookon -

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25 Brewers in 25 Days - 2014 Recap - 2nd Base

If I was to form my own gang of Little Rascals, I would most certainly include guys like Rickie and Scooter in my gang. By name alone they just sound like they would fit in with Alfalfa, Spanky and Buckwheat. We could tell ghost stories in my "No Girls Allowed" clubhouse and eat so much junk food that we would all go home with tummy aches. This is my perfect world scenario. Too bad for all those involved, we don't live in a perfect world. In the 2014 Milwaukee Brewers World there was a transition at 2nd base from the past (Rickie Weeks, drafted in 2003 and was the primary 2nd baseman from 2005 - 2013) to the future (Scooter Gennett, drafted in 2009 and made quite an impression in 2013 and 2014 and is poised to take over full time in 2015). This transition happened right in front of our eyes, and while everyone was jumping for joy, I hung my head in sadness. Look, I have nothing against Scooter Gennett; I think he's going to be a fine 2nd baseman for the next 5 or so years. But I don't love him like I loved Rickie. The first jersey that I bout since I started being a hardcore fan (late 90's) was a #23 batting practice Weeks. I've worn it out and the colors are fading, but it still represents a time when I loved the players more than I loved the team. Times have changed and players do come and go, but my favorite 2 Brewers players of all time will not. You're still my boy Rickie and Bill Hall still wins games.

There was nothing I would change about 2nd base for the 2014 Brewers. This was one of 3-4 positions that I wouldn't blame for what happened last year. This platoon worked out incredibly well as Scooter started primarily against righties (his career splits against lefties is pretty terrible, but to be fair he hasn't gotten a whole lot of opportunities) and Weeks suited up against lefties. Scooter's numbers were pretty damn good, but he's going to need to drive in around 70 runs per year if he wants to be the every day starter. Weeks had a resurgence both in his batting average and in his ability to stay healthy. The made for a great 1-2 punch. Kind of like fruit and tropical. I'm good with a glass of either in my left or right hand. At the end of the day with either one of them, I will go home with my thirst quenched.

There's a lot of hate for Rickie Weeks and so much of it is unwarranted. Did he ever live up to being a 2nd overall draft pick? Probably not. Did he make too much money for the amount of games that he was able to play and the numbers that he put up? Probably. Was he a good clubhouse player who led by example? From what I know, yes. Did he work hard and try to be the best he could every day? Absolutely. Was he sexier without his shirt on? Definitely. Wait... what? No! I meant no! Look, I love me some Rickie Weeks but I am all about the ladies. I fooled myself with that one. Damn it. I always get the gay questions wrong. Maybe it's time to change teams...

Baseball is a game of change, especially for small market teams. They have to draft and develop because they can't be major players in the free agent market. So if a player comes along that can do the same thing as the guy who is making 5x to 10x more money than they are, then it may be time to let the higher priced guy go. That's how it was with Rickie this year. I don't think there were any hard feelings from the front office. I think they all loved Rickie too. But the reality of it was that Scooter was the future 2nd baseman and that there was no longer a place on this team for Weeks. We saw this in 2014 as he started to take a "Captain-May-I" giant step backwards to make way for the future. It happens and even though I'm not quite over it, I have no choice but to accept it. That's the way the game is played. It makes it so much easier once you stop trying to figure it out. Just let go and stop trying to figure it out. Just go with the flow man. Everything will be ok.

Check out my 4th video, which recaps 2nd Base for the 2014 Milwaukee Brewers, recorded in my bathtub on a Sunday morning. Don't worry pal - I'm wearing a swim suit. There's no need to make this any weirder than it already is:

It's pretty evident that I have problems. Just look at me. I'm a mess. Hanging out in my bathtub, drinking a beer and filming the whole thing. But I don't do this for my own personal gain. Oh no no my friends - I do this for you. So enjoy this bountiful harvest that I have provided for you. There's plenty to go around and there's always more where this came from. And I just made it really really weird. Moving on...

Scooter Gennett #2 - .286 batting AVG, .326 OBP, 8 HRs, 38 RBIs, the "unofficial" every day 2nd Baseman and someone that Scooters like me and that orange bastard on the Muppets can look up to and someday band together to form a League of Scooters.

.289 batting avg, .320 OBP, 9 HRs, 54 RBIs, 110 starts the "official" every day 2nd Baseman but NOT a member of the League of Scooters. He declined our invitation. Thanks a million Ryan. We could have had something magical.

Rickie Weeks #23 - .261 batting AVG, .320 OBP, 7 HRs, 29 RBIs, a positive member of the team who will be a team player, act like a veteran and will end his career with the Brewers on a down note, a tragic story of what could have been if an athlete lived up to his potential. But nevertheless, Rickie will always be my boy. What kind of man would I be if I left his side in his greatest moment of need?

.274 batting avg, .357 OBP, 8 HRs, 29 RBIs, 49 starts and sailed off into free agency with a slow and uneventful exit. Kind of like some old bastard who dies quietly in their sleep as opposed to a young man who bravely faced, but ultimately succumbed to his terminal cancer. And me, as his domestic partner, was not even allowed in the hospital room to be with him because of the god damn inequalities that fail to recognize our union.

I didn't want it to end like this. Even though Weeks had some pretty respectable stats to close out his time in a Brewers uniform, I feel like he didn't get to go out on his terms. But he didn't call out the team in the media. He didn't take to social media to complain about playing time. He didn't become a distraction or add to the problem. He took it like a pro and I respect him for that. It was the best way to handle a bad situation. We got to see what a full year of Scooter looks like and I do have to say that I was pleased with the results. He doesn't have the home run power that Rickie has, but it looks like he's going to be solid. That's all you really need from 2nd base when the rest of the positions are above average on offense (which is debatable). I just need a guy who can play every day and not screw up. Scooter seems to be that guy. Time will tell on this one, but the Brewers seem to be moving from the Weeks era to the Scooter era.

I know that it doesn't seem like it, but this was a hard article to write. I had to put personal feelings aside and be realistic. If I were running the Brewers, I would have done the exact same thing. It makes perfect sense if you're thinking with everything other than your heart. When it comes to the business of the game, you have to leave your heart out of it. That's one of the hardest things to do as a sports fan. I get way too emotionally invested in the team and these players that I left them affect me in ways that should never be allowed. But that's why I am a fan. I ride the highs and the lows and I let this game affect me. Every now and then it helps to take a step back and remind myself to look at things with my brain and not with my heart. My brain tells me that Scooter is better than Rickie. But my heart doesn't agree. And that is why it hurts so much. And it will continue to hurt for a long time. That is what I have to deal with for being a fan of Rickie Weeks and the Milwaukee Brewers.

 - pookon -

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25 Brewers in 25 Days - 2014 Recap - 1st Base

What do you do when something is broken? You fix it of course. That's obvious as shit. So how come the Brewers don't fix 1st base? As soon as they selected Prince Fielder in the first round of the 2002 draft they had to know they weren't going to keep him around forever. He progressed quickly through the minors and made his Major League debut in 2005 and was the every day (and I mean every day - this guy didn't take a day off. NEVER! Not even if there was a fire) first baseman from 2006-2011. They should have drafted his successor and groomed him to take over when Prince left for the money. Well you all know what happened in the last 3 seasons so I'm not going to repeat it. Because it isn't pretty. Hunter Morris was a bust and every non-first baseman that they chose to play the position failed miserably. So for 2014 they signed two veteran players who actually knew how to play the position. They were missing that and veteran leadership in 2013 and that resulted in a lost season. We all know how the 2014 season ended and that offense was to blame for that. And like it or not, the finger points in the direction of 1st base. Every other position performed (with some exceptions) but that is supposed to be a position of production. And 1st base didn't produce.

You can't fault Doug Melvin here. Hunter Morris was the Southern League MVP in 2012 while playing for the Huntsville Stars. He was supposed to be the answer and all the Brewers had to do is keep the base warm until Morris ascended to the throne. Well that never happened, so Melvin did the best he could Lyle Overbay was a fan favorite at Miller Park in 2004 and 2005, so bringing him back as a veteran presence and the left side of a platoon made perfect sense. The "Oooooooooooo!!!!" chants did return to Miller Park and it would have been a good move if they got a better player to form the right side of that platoon. Mark Reynolds came exactly as advertised - he hit homeruns but couldn't bat his weight and he struck out more than me at the bar on a Saturday night. If you like that sort of thing then you have more problems than the only psychiatrist in Punxsutawney can deal with (although he does have an alcoholic now). 

I want guys who can get on base AND drive in runs. That's a recipe for success. Solo homeruns just don't cut it for me. Sure Reynolds did have 21 homeruns, but he only had 54 RBIs (meaning that 21 of those were himself). While the blame is certainly on his teammates for not getting on base in front of him, I think we can also blame him for not getting the job done when guys were on base when he was at the plate. Overbay was the best pinch hitter on the team and he showed some real discipline at the plate (his .328 OBP doesn't jump out at you, but it's nearly 100 points higher than his batting avg of .233). He seemed to come up big in the situations that mattered, which is what you want from a part time player. I have no problem with anything that he did. My problem is Reynolds. It's not that he failed because he was what he thought he would be. But that's the problem. We shouldn't even be signing guys like that. It's a waste of time and the results aren't good enough to justify having him on your team.

I don't need to go into any more detail about these asshats. If you watched any Brewers games this year then you know that Overbay and Reynolds were better than whatever nonsense we have thrown at first base over the past 3 years. But crap is a nicer way of saying shit. It doesn't matter what word you choose - it's the same thing in the end. They weren't special. They just were. And that's the problem. We needed something special to make the playoffs and instead we won 82 games and sat at home during October. That's the reality of it. I haven't even touched on their defensive skills because they were above average. It's nothing to shout from the balcony because they got the job done. Reynolds was adequate filling in at 3rd when Ramirez was injured and also did a nice job at 1st. Overbay was hindered by his age and didn't have the range of his youth, but he still made plays. They were decent 1st basemen. But decent doesn't make you a great team. Average doesn't make you special. I'm not saying that these two players cost the Brewers success in 2014, but they certainly were a factor.

Check out my 3rd video, which recaps 1st Base for the 2014 Milwaukee Brewers, recorded in my car on Friday January 16th on the way to work:

What I didn't realize at the time is that the audio somehow got all mucked up during recording. When I looked at this video the next day, I realized that many parts of it were inaudible, so I could either record a new video or dub over new audio. Since I didn't know exactly what I said, I thought it would be funnier to record new audio because it wouldn't sync up with my lips and it would be like when they dub English over Chinese in martial arts movies. While it's not quite that funny in my video, it was more fun to me than recording a new video.

Lyle Overbay #24 - .242 batting avg, 9 HRs, 38 RBIs, 20 doubles, a great veteran presence in the clubhouse, stellar defense at 1st base and sure to elicit a lot of "Ooooo" faces from every man and woman at Miller Park this season.

.233 batting avg, 4 HRs, 35 RBIs, 14 doubles, 64 starts at 1st, the best pinch hitter since Lenny Harris and still able to get those "Oooooo" faces going despite his age.

Mark Reynolds #7 - .221 batting avg, 21 HRs, 54 RBIs, 145 strikeouts, able to decently play 1st and 3rd base and be the first baseball player to strikeout 9 times in a regulation game (9 innings). 

.196 batting avg (a career low), 22 HRs, 45 RBI, 122 strikeouts, 72 starts at 1st, 29 starts at 3rd and has more strikeouts than a mentally challenged blind kid.

You'll notice that I made very little mention of Jonathon Lucroy in this article. He only played 19 games at 1st (16 starts), so he wasn't much of a factor over there. You have to think that number is going to increase in the future, so he might be a bigger part of the talk at this position if I ever choose to do these articles again. But this is focusing on the past and the past sucked balls. But it happens. I'm done talking about this because I've already wasted too much of my life on the 2014 season.

1st base didn't break the 2014 Milwaukee Brewers but it was one of the cracks that lead to the whole damn thing breaking apart. You can still stay intact with one crack. Sure it looks ghetto as fuck if you don't get that shit fixed, but you can still operate with no setbacks. If you have 3-4 cracks then it isn't stable anymore and it becomes a very fragile piece. That's what happened. It was in danger all season and in September it broke. At the worst possible time too. But do things ever break at the right time? Hell no. There's no such thing as the right time when it comes to breaking things. Except when you're mad. When your're mad it feels great to break things.

- pookon -

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It's in My Head - #18: What if Apples Tasted Like Mashed Potatoes?

Wouldn't it be weird if one day all the sudden food didn't taste like it was supposed to? I'm not saying that in a bad way, like now everything tastes like shit. I'm saying that now it just tastes like another food. Like suppose you bit into an apple, and instead of tasting like an apple, it tasted like mashed potatoes. So that's really good if you like mashed potatoes, but what if you were really excited to eat that apple? Now you don't get the taste of apples anymore because all apples taste like mashed potatoes. That would make me wonder if this was an isolated incident or if this phenomenon was widespread. I know I would be like a mad scientist given his first government job with unlimited supplies and experimental freedom; I would be testing everything.

So if apples taste like mashed potatoes, I wonder what a chicken sandwhich tastes like. So I run out to the nearest fast food joint and I grab a chicken sandwhich... and I instantly spit it out because it tastes like creamed corn. Yuck. But I'm 1 for 2. I'm batting .500. I grab a handful of spinach and toss those leaves into my mouth. To my surprise, they tasted just like gummy bears! This was the best! I'm going to eat spinach with every meal from now on! But I also got worried. What about my favorite foods? Would I dare try some pizza or french fries? I don't want to know what happened to these foods because my memory of them is too good that I don't want to taint it with realization that pizza doesn't taste like pizza anymore and french fries don't taste like french fries anymore.

I'd be willing to try a whole lot of things that I probably didn't eat before, like gross foreign food, creatures from the sea and domesticated animals just to see if they tasted like Oreo ice cream, spaghettios or cotton candy. Who knows what it tastes like until you try it? Everything you know about food is completely thrown out the window because nothing tastes like it is supposed to. Would that blow your mind or would you be ok with that? I'm really not sure. I'm always open to try new things, but it seems like every time I go to a restaurant, I order something familiar like a hamburger. Someone can't screw up a hamburger, can they? Have you ever had a real, I mean absolutely terrible hamburger? No! Because hamburgers taste like hamburgers. You know what you are getting. 

But what if you didn't know what you were getting? Because the hamburger now tastes like seaweed. And then you eat some seaweed and it tastes like barbecue ribs. Then you get some barbecued ribs and it tastes like skim milk. Then you get some skim milk and it tastes like purple seedless grapes. And the purple seedless grapes taste like Nacho Cheese Doritos. And Nacho Cheese Dorritos taste like scrambled eggs. And scrambled eggs taste like churros. And churros taste like Gerber baby food sweet potatoes. And then you open up the can of Gerber baby food sweet potatoes and it tastes like microwave popcorn. Microwave popcorn now tastes like a banana. And a banana tastes like a steak cooked medium rare. Medium rare steak tastes like sweet and sour chicken but a steak well done tastes like Mountain Dew. Crack open a can of Mountain Dew and get ready for the wild taste of boiled goose. Are you a fan of boiled goose? Well you might not be anymore now that boiled goose tastes like decaf coffee. If you find yourself putting on a pot of decaf in the afternoon because you used to like the taste, get ready for a warm cup of clam chowder. Actually that doesn't sound too bad. I could go for a nice cup of clam chowder in the afternoon. But heaven forbid I crush a couple of saltine crackers in my decaf coffee and almost vomit when I realize that I just put blueberries in my clam chowder.

I would be so mixed up all the time. I'm sure eventually you could learn to accept the madness of the new food world because after all, you've already learned what things tasted like before from trying them and you have developed a connection between taste and sight. Why couldn't you do it again? I'm sure that you could relearn everything enough to remember that when you have a craving for steamed broccoli, all you have to do is unwrap a Werther's original. Thirsty for a cold refreshing Miller Lite? Make sure you grab a string cheese out of the fridge. Up would be down, left would be the 6:00 Evening News and jello would be macaroni and cheese. In some strange way I feel like I would fit perfectly into that world. Because that's what's in my head and my head is a very twisted place. I never know what to expect when I bite into something, so why shouldn't it be something insane? How about you? Could you live in that world? What kind of bizarre food switches are in your head?

 - pookon -

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25 Brewers in 25 Days - 2014 Recap - Catcher

If Jonathon Lucroy isn't your favorite player on the Milwaukee Brewers, you seriously need to reevaluate what you are doing wrong with your life. Because I promise you that this isn't the only mistake that you are making. If you tell me that Carlos Gomez is your favorite player, I'm willing to give you a pass. I love Gomez so much that I would probably let him marry me (seeing that Rickie Weeks is now off the market). But isn't Gomez married? I know that he has a girl and some kids, but I don't have the heart to look it up if he is legally taken. But why am I talking about him here? He'll get his in due time when I recap his 2014 season. I can't be another one of those assholes who doesn't give proper credit to Jonathon Lucroy after he put up one of the better seasons I've seen in a long time. Sure, some of the numbers may not be all that flashy, but it's what can't be measured in numbers is where he really shines.

There are statistics for everything and I could bore with by rattling them off (but I'm not going to. You're welcome). They even have many defensive stats that help qualify a catcher's worth like defensive runs saved above average, catcher's ERA and of course errors, fielding percentage and stolen bases numbers (runners thrown out, allowed and percentages). OK, so maybe I did manage to bore you a little bit. But know that Lucroy and Maldonado were around the league average in every category. While that certainly doesn't instill a lot of confidence, they were invaluable behind the plate as they helped the pitching staff to championship numbers (3.67 in 2014 as compared to 3.63 in 2011 and 3.85 in 2008). So you can't blame Lucroy, Maldonado or the pitching staff for the great collapse of 2014. These two men crouched behind the plate did everything they could on defense, calling the game and on offensive to get them to the playoffs. But it wasn't enough. The team just came up a little short, but there is no way a finger should every be pointed in their direction.

Braun had to step out of the limelight a little bit because of the whole PED suspension shit, so the Brewers wisely moved Lucroy into the marketing spotlight. He's got Southern charm (born in central Florida but went to college at the University of Louisiana at Lafayette and played for the Ragin Cajuns) and seems like an all around nice guy. Fans really got behind the "LUUUUUUUUUUUUCCC!!!" cheer and jumped right on that marketing bandwagon. They voted him in to the All-Star game and he started the game. He hit 53 doubles and led the league, setting a NL record for most doubles as a catcher in the process (falling 1 short of tying Lyle Overbay's franchise record set in 2004). On top of that he gave his time to charity, smiled for the cameras and seemed like an all around nice guy. There's really nothing bad that I can say about Lucroy or Maldonado and that continues in the video below.

Check out my 2nd video, which recaps the Catchers from the 2014 Milwaukee Brewers, recorded at my apartment on January 16, 2015:

It was the middle of the night after I had a few. I don't expect you to watch this because it's a real piece of work (as was I during this video). I should never get drunk. And I should never film a video. And I should never talk about the Brewers. And I should be embarrassed of my actions and where I am at this stage in my life. But I'm not. That's why I have problems.

Jonathan Lucroy #20 - .275 batting avg, 24 HRs, 81 RBIs, 125 games caught and his first All-Star appearance, which is not only well deserved but will also lift him out of the underrated ranks into the catching elite.

.301 batting avg, 13 HRs, 69 RBIs, 53 doubles, 133 games started at Catcher, 16 games started at 1st, made his 1st All-Star appearance (and started the game), was totally snubbed for a Gold Glove award but is at least beginning to earn a little respect, which puts him one step above Rodney Dangerfield.

Martin Maldonado #12 - .215 batting avg, 4 HRs, 19 RBIs, 37 games caught and the best god damn backup since the Time backed up Morris Day. That shit was the mad note! My Jungle Love, oo wee oo wee oo.

.234 batting avg, 4 HRs, 16 RBIs, 29 games caught, 2 games at 1B, 1 inning pitched (0.00 ERA) and a backup extraordinaire like my portable hard drive - there in case you need it in when the primary one crashes (but you hope to God that it never does). 

There's nothing really to say about these bastards anymore. I don't even know why I called them bastards. In fact, I'm sure both of them know their birth fathers, so what I'm saying right now is complete bullshit. But that's the story of my life pal. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, real shit, bullshit, bullshit and more bullshit. See how I managed to stick in some real shit in between there? That's because it happened. I don't know how it happened (because I wasn't there) but the 2014 season fell apart, but don't go pointing the finger at these two.

Catchers weren't the problem. Sure, people may point to Maldonado's numbers and have a problem with it, but he's a backup. How much did he really impact the 2014 team? But he was the perfect backup. When Lucroy needed a day off, the team was in perfectly capable hands. How many teams has that kind of benefit? Maldonado could start on a team without a front-tier starter. Could it be a frontier starter? Like Billy the Kid or Wyatt Earp? I could get behind that a whole lot more than the other option. Maybe because I admire Old West dudes who took the law into the hands, carried six shooters on the hips and banged some dirty prostitutes? Western Union train? There's only so much whiskey that money can buy, so you might as well just give that money to some old dusty broads. They're going to die from STDs in a few years anyway, right? And it doesn't matter that they gave you AIDS. A gunshot wound to the chest during a shootout at high noon will kill you faster. How would I know? I don't. I'm just guessing. I have never had AIDS or a gunshot wound to the chest, so I can't weigh in on that. But I have a feeling gunshots are worse, especially without the benefit of modern medicine.

   - pookon -

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It's in My Head - #17: Sexy Beekeeper

I wanted to post this at the end of October (when I was doing this whole "It's in My Head" nonsense). I realize now that this article is no longer topical, but I still feel like posting it anyway. It's my World pal! And it's my head! I can do whatever I want and you cannot stop me! Ha ha ha ha ha! This must be what evil mad scientists in the movies must feel like. They sit behind their giant desks and have diabolical plans that will change the World and no doubt enact revenge on those who strive to destroy their way of life. I want to be the super villain. But I'm not. I'm the hero that will overcome all odds, defeat evil, save the day and kiss the girl. But where were we? Oh that's right - I believe we were talking about Halloween. And when we talk about Halloween, we talk about a few things - trick or treat, spooks, ghosts, goblins and the most important thing of all - dressing up in a costume and being a complete slut and letting it all hang out on one day of the year when it is somehow acceptable to do so. That's what makes Halloween one of the greatest days of all. And that is what is in my head today, albeit in a way that you probably aren't ready to deal with.

Halloween has become a time of year when girls can dress like total sluts and feel like they can get away with it. Trust me, I'm not complaining about it. If anything, I encourage it. All of the girls out there need to do it more often and they need to do it around me. Lord knows I could use the stimulation. The only girls that I hang out with are my sister and my mother. I do not want them to dress provocatively around me (that should go without saying). So I am left with the dream world where I control everything around me. Think Inception but with only hot chicks in minimal clothing (no offense to Leonardo DiCaprio, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page, Tom Hardy, Ken Wantanabe, Michael Caine and the crew - I need some hot chicks all up on me and shit. I'm talking Natalie Portman, Britney Spears, Mila Kunis, Scarlett Johansson, Hayden Panettiere, Katy Perry, Emmy Rossum, all of the Spice Girls, Victoria Justice, Kelly Brook and any other random girl that finds me attractive out of my dreams and into my car, Billy Ocean-style). This is my dream. And in my dream these women can't get up off of me. Seriously, I would push them off if it didn't feel so good. Don't worry Natalie and Hayden; there's plenty of me to go around. But where was I? Oh yeah - Sexy Beekeeper.

I don't know how I strayed so far from the point of this article, but I blame the Government. They are always trying to hold the people down. And they are always trying to tell the ladies how to dress. I disagree with this. If a hottie wants to show off the goods, I say let her. Halloween is a time when girls can dress like sluts and put those hot totties on display. You've no doubt seen them - Sexy Cop, Sexy Nurse, Sexy Vampire, Sexy Devil, Sexy (fill in the blank) and the list goes on. I've seen them all. But have you ever seen Sexy Beekeeper?

I'm a little disappointed that there is no Sexy Beekeeper costume. But there is a Sexy Bee Costume. Just look at that scantily clad girl to the right. But why should the sexiness only be allowed for the bees? What if the beekeeper wants to get in on the action? Imagine the mesh hood and boots on a hot chick with her midriff showing and her bosoms exposed to the sting of the members of the hive. She's there to cultivate the honey from the bees and she wants to protect herself, but she also wants to be sexy at the same time. It's hard to be sexy while fully clothed. That's why there needs to be a costume for the beekeeper as well.

So I'm all about the Sexy Beekeeper. But if you were to ask my honest opinion, I'm all about the sexy anything. In my head, every girl (not related to me) is sexy in their own way. Despite your preconceived notions of me, I love women. I love them so much that I obsess about them at almost every moment. They could be wearing footie pajamas with the trap door in the back, or a goose-down jacket with oversized carpenter jeans, or a sexy beekeeper costume, or a full body hazmat suit that protects them from toxic chemicals or nothing at all; I love them. And even though I know how creepy this (and the entire article) is, I can't help it because it's always in my head. This is one of many reasons why I am still single and probably will always be. What's in your head that prevents you from attracting the love of the opposite sex?

 - pookon -

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