I wonder what it would be like to be in love with a Pirate. For the sake of not coming off as being gay (not like there's anything wrong with that though. Gay just ain't the way for me.) let's make it a female Pirate. I know that the Pirate stereotype is a dude with dreadlocks, an eye patch, ruffled shirt, captain's hat, sword and hook and that girls in the pirate lore are usually whores or wenches. Now I've fallen in love with my fair share of whores and wenches in my day. Let's face it pal, who hasn't? It's in a guy's DNA to go for the dirty girls. We've all been there. But what if this girl was a swashbuckler herself? A strong and feisty girl who could take care of me both in a sword fight and in the bedroom. Now that's my ideal woman. I'm not one to fight or stand up for what I believe in because I'm kind of a pansy. I want my woman to be a real spark plug. That's why I think I could fall in love with a female pirate. If only that fantasy would come true and I could finally be happy for once. Unfortunately it's probably another of my dreams that will fail to reach reality. But if there are any sassy female Pirates out there who are looking for a Product Build Specialist and part time writer then you know how to reach me. So I can tap that arrrrrrrse.
So why do I bring this up? Other than to tell you that I'm a sick son of a bitch and lonely as hell, I love Pirates. Always have and always will. But how does this connect to baseball and the 2012 Milwaukee Brewers season? Despite being an improved team, the Pittsburgh Pirates are still our bitches. They can do whatever they want and we can play at either park (Miller or PNC) and we will still come out on top the majority of the time. Remember when PNC Park used to be a place of nightmares for this team? Not anymore. Strangely this was our first trip to Pittsburgh in 2012 and the Brewers responded by taking 2 out of the 3 games. It was almost as beautiful as the city skyline behind the outfield fences. But underneath all that apparent beauty was a real stinker. Just like Pittsburgh. Sorry Steel City. I couldn't resist. You were nothing but kind to me in my 2 hours that I spent there in 2010 and I shouldn't have went there. But I did and now we need to work extra hard to patch up our relationship so that we don't break it off and start sleeping with other people. Sure it will be fun and exciting at first but then we will start to see the look of regret when we stare into the mirror. Then when we pass by each other on the street we will look into each other's eyes and wondered what might have been had we went to couple's therapy and worked it out instead of going our separate ways. But you cannot lament on the past. You can only try and improve in the future. So here's hoping that next time I'm "in" Pittsburgh I'll be there longer than 2 hours and learn to truly appreciate her and treat her right. Or maybe I'll be swept off my feet by some scurvy Pirate hottie. You never know.
Friday August 24 - Sunday August 26. Milwaukee Brewers vs Pittsburgh Pirates at PNC Park. Games 124 - 126 of 162. It's late August and the Brewers make their first trip to PNC Park. Both teams are in the NL Central, right? That's some weird scheduling. Even weirder is the fact that I wasn't there. Sure, I've been to Pittsburgh and seen PNC Park, but it was just a stop on the way to Washington D.C. I don't know why I didn't plan a roadtrip when the 2012 schedule came out. I must not have been thinking 4th dimensionally. Yeah, I got a real problem with that. I missed a great series too. But it was this close to being a bad one. In Game 1 Axford nearly blew the save by giving up 2 runs but he was pulled and Kameron Loe finished it up. Then the Brewers must have been hungover or some shit, realizing they won a game on the road because they came out with a lackluster affair on Saturday. Story of my life. I can't even create a spark when I'm cheating on my wife. You'd think there would be some some air of mystique or the danger of getting caught. Nope. But on Sunday the Brewers must have gotten a good night's sleep the night before because they came out with the usual display of homerun prowess. Go-Go and Rami made the difference and we won a series on the road for the 1st time since the All-Star Break. Oh what a lovely season it has been. And oh what a lovely tea party. Brewers 6, Pirates 5. Pirates 4, Brewers 0. Brewers 7, Pirates 0.
I could really love a Pirate, but I don't think I could ever love one of the Cubs. Not even if she had nice totties and a million dollar smile. She could be the most beautiful girl in the world with musical talents to match and still I don't think I could look past the red "C" on her chest. Of course I would keep looking at her chest long after I decided that we could never be together (I am a man after all) but there is no room in my heart to love a Cubs fan. Even though they have become the 2nd worst team in the National League and we have steamrolled them all season long, I still don't feel any apathy for the team, the city of Chicago or any of the stuck up Northsiders who think they are better than everyone else. You know what isn't better than anything else in this world? Wrigley Field. I already proclaimed my disdain for the Neighborhood Dump in Week 20's post but it deserves a rehash because that place really does suck balls. Throw out the nostalgia factor and Wrigley has nothing else going for it. So it survives on memories and old timey feelings alone. That's not enough to convince someone like me, who doesn't give a shit about the Chicago Cubs, to visit there more than once in my life. Sadly I've been there more than once and I can recall every game that I've spent in that horrid place. I won't go back there even if my girlfriend promises me sex afterwards. OK, so that's a complete and utter lie because I would do just about anything to get some from my frigid and uptight significant other. But seeing as how I don't have a girlfriend and don't see any girl getting with my insane ass in the near future I guess I don't have to worry about anything like that. So I'm gonna stay true to my blue-collar Milwaukee roots and stay away from all girls because any one of them could be a closeted Cubs fan in disguise. That's why I've been single all these years. Didn't want to risk falling in love with the enemy.
Monday August 27 - Thursday August 30. Milwaukee Brewers vs Chicago Cubs at Wrigley Field. Games 127 - 130 of 162. I hate this team. By that statement you might be assuming I'm talking about the Cubs. Don't make an assumption. When you do that you make an ass out of u and mption. I hate the 2012 Milwaukee Brewers. In Game 1 they had a 6-4 lead going into the 9th then just obliterated Cubs pitching for 9 runs in the 9th complete with back-to-back-to-back HR's from Braun, Ramierez and Hart in a 15-4 beat down. Then in the next 2 games they got stellar pitching from Gallardo and Fiers and some timely offense. So why do I hate this team? Game 4. By winning 8 of the last 10 they had almost brought themselves back into playoff contention and were creeping in on .500. In the 6th inning they were comfortably up 9-3 but Livan Hernandez gave up 5 runs then KRod gave up 3 runs in the 9th to blow the save and erase any momentum they had been gaining. So why do I hate them? I guess it's my fault. I'm not one (like my cousin Brian) who thinks they are a playoff team, but for a few days I tricked myself into thinking they were at least a good team and had a shot at finishing at .500 to not make this a losing season. I don't know why I care. Even if they finish at .500 or above it is a losing season. After last year everything else is a letdown. Curse me for having such high expectations. If only I had the same expectations for myself. My life wouldn't suck. Brewers 15, Cubs 4. Brewers 4, Cubs 1. Brewers 3, Cubs 1. Cubs 12, Brewers 11.
The Brewers return home for a quickie (I should be so lucky) then head on on the road again against the newly named Miami Marlins in their gay ass ballpark. The season hasn't gone as planned up until this point but then again, does anything ever go as we planned? That just goes to show that your plan doesn't mean shit as far as the Universe is concerned. The Universe is just like the Honey Badger. Honey Badger don't care! Honey Badger don't give a shit! So get over it my friend. And since this is the part where I talk to you from the future I can tell you that things get a whole let better in the next few weeks. But you're just going to have to check back here at a later date to read my reaction to those games. Sorry pal. Thems the rules. If you don't like it then you can walk the plank ye scurvy dog!!
- pookon -
www.pookon.com
email: pookondotcom@gmail.com
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