I wanted to quit so bad today. I have nothing against bananas and water but life requires more variety than that. That's why there are so many options in this world when it comes to food and drink and basically everything else. You do have a choice in life and more often will make the choice that benefits yourself. Sure, there are many times where your sacrifice yourself fr the greater good or to save, protect or help out your family/friends, but for the most part we are individuals who make decisions that benefit ourselves. Or I could be wrong. I guess instead of speaking for the entire human population I will have to just go on record as saying these are my personal feelings. I spend an awful amount of time alone and I have never been in a serious relationship. Other than taking care of either one of my cats, I only have to make choices for myself and I am the only one that reaps the rewards or suffers through the consequences.
Which comes back to this quitting idea. I'm kind of a quitter and kind of not. It depends on what it is really. When it comes to jobs I've worked at one (Miller Park) for 10 years and the other (Mark Travel) for 5, so I don't really know how to leave a job anymore. I move to a different house or apartment (and even back home once) every year since I left for college in 1999, so one can say that I can't commit to one place and quit my community and neighborhood and don't stick around long enough to make a house a home. Granted I don't have anything tying me down and the biggest reason why I moved so much was that my roommates were constantly changing but I still never planted any roots. While that is fairly common for young adults in college I'm not in that demographic anymore. Being 31 years old and 6 years removed from college I should have planted some roots somewhere with someone and settled down, but I quit before it go to that point. And as far as relationships go I quit them even before they start. In face I don't even go out and look for someone because I guess I'm afraid of quitting on them or them quitting on me. I always tell myself that I'm going to eat healthy and work out so I don't live like a sad sac of shit for the next 20 years and die alone of a heart attack at 50 with nothing to show for a life. But then after a few weeks or months I quit because it becomes difficult and time consuming. I touched on it a little before but the real reason I'm a quitter is because I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of Terror Dogs. Shit. Of course I am! Everyone is. Just like at that mutt and tell me that you wouldn't turn and run in fear of getting mauled. I've been afraid of these things since I was a little kid and they used to torment my dreams until I was well into my teens. And even though I'm still pretty terrified by this beast at 31 years old and supposedly an adult, this is not what I fear the most. Terror dogs are not real. Although I would lose my shit if they suddenly were real. Happiness is real. And for some reason I'm afraid of being happy. I could change my life for the better and love myself so I could allow myself to be loved by others. I could look for a new job and try to better myself and do a job that I actually care about and not one that I mindlessly plod through. I could think before I talk and not be a giant asshole to people. I could do many things to help myself out as my time on this planet keeps dwindling. But forever reason I don't commit to doing anything because I'm afraid. And for the life of me I can't understand why.
I don't know if I explained anything properly today nor am I aware if I made my point on here. But the main thing is that I did it and every second I spend on here trying to talk about some real or nonsensical shit is a second away from focusing on the food and booze in my house that is constantly calling my name. Those bitches don't shut up too. And who the hell is Guy LeMontepass?"
Bananas Consumed: 7
- pookon -
email: pookondotcom@gmail.com
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