Drunken Live Tweet - Finding Nemo - "Just Keep Tweeting. Just Keep Tweeting..."

Words can't even explain how creepy and wrong this is. Who #hashtags a kids movie and talks shit about it while drunk? Me I guess. That's what I do on a Friday night. And this is why I'm still single. And this is also why I have problems. I didn't intend to Live Tweet the Disney/Pixar movie Finding Nemo. I made one comment on my Twitter account and it just kind of snowballed from there (as it often does when I'm drinking whiskey). All of the sudden it's 1am and I'm watching the thrilling conclusion of one of Pixar's finest movies. 

It's ultimately the story of a boy and his Dad and the grand adventure that they share. They each go on a separate voyage in the great big sea but it is all confined within the same story (although they didn't know it at the time). I'm sure that when they look back (assuming that Nemo isn't horribly scarred from this tragic event) they will laugh and recount these fond memories. But what are these memories? What happened when Marlin was out #FindingNemo? I'm sure that you know them. You've seen the movie. You've probably even seen it several times. So you you what you think about it. But have you ever wondered what I think about #FindingNemo? Oh you have? Well then my friend you have come to the right place!

The following is a series of tweets that I sent out from my Twitter account (@pookondotcom) on Friday January 30. Despite this seeming like a shameless attempt to gain new followers by promoting the shit out of myself, I beg you not to waste your time on this nonsense. That is unless of course that you like nonsense. I have plenty of it to go around. I learned long ago that I can't stop myself from being myself. Unfortunately social media has given me an outlet to be myself to the whole world. This is quite possibly the worst thing to ever happen to the World. OK, so maybe I'm being a little over dramatic. But I'll let you be the judge of that after you read my tweets about Finding Nemo.

I couldn't handle losing my wife and all of my kids (except one) in the first 5 minutes of the movie. #FindingNemo is fucking sad.

The other fuckers in the ocean give Marlin a hard time, but he's one tough ass fish. He's been through some real shit. #FindingNemo

Hands down the best part of #FindingNemo is when the baby fish falls off the sponge bed and cries. I love when kids fall down.

That little squid kid inks and then swims in it. What a nasty little bitch. Someone should tell the the EPA. #FindingNemo

Some ass jockey just up and steals Nemo. And people wonder why I don't swim in the ocean. Don't want to get stolen. #FindingNemo

Don't know if I'm Marlin or Dory. Probably both. I'm an non-funny clown who can't remember a God damn thing. #FindingNemo

I hate sharks. They straight up eat you. Who wants to be someone's dinner? I bet I don't even taste that good. #FindingNemo

If Jeffrey Dahmer was still alive, I bet he could tell me what I taste like. What? #TooSoon? #FindingNemo

But these sharks go on a dolphin hating rant. I can get behind that. Dolphins think they're so smart. Smug ass bastards. #FindingNemo

Fish are friends, not food? Apparently those sharks have never been to Milwaukee on a Friday night. #FishFry #FindingNemo

This shark needs an intervention because he wants some of #THATMEAT!?!? Why stop when it tastes so good? #FindingNemo

Worst part about what I'm doing right now? Hashtagging a kids movie and saying these awful awful things. #FindingNemo

Bird blames the other bird for farting and then flies away? Hey pal - he who smelt it, dealt it. #FindingNemo

I didn't expect to be live tweeting #FindingNemo. But I also didn't expect to be unmarried at 33. Oh wait - yeah I did.

I have some real problems if this is what I do with my Friday nights. But it could be worse. I could be in prison like Nemo. #FindingNemo

Love that Jacques fella. He makes popping noises and scurries around. Foreigners are the best. #FindingNemo

Hitched a ride on the porcelain express? Been there. Every morning after a #BachelorParty... #FindingNemo

I'll admit I'm still a little afraid of the dark, so there's no way I'm going to the bottom of the ocean for a fucking mask. #FindingNemo

If I'm not deathly hungover tomorrow, I'm making P. Sherman at 32 Wallaby Way in Sydney, Australia my new pen pal. #FindingNemo

All I want in life is to be part of a ragtag group of outcasts forced to spend a confined space together. #FindingNemo

I wish my voice was half as sexy as Brad Garrett's or Patrick Warburton's. #FindingNemo #aLittleGay

Other best part of the movie - John Ratzenburger as the school of fish when one fish walks the plank of the Pirate ship. #FindingNemo

It's the little moments in this movie that kill me - why Ted here has relatives in Sydney. "Sure do!" #FindingNemo

I just told my cat we're live tweeting #FindingNemo. He said, "who is this we? Don't lump me in with you." My cat is a jerk.

I wish that I lived in a sea anemone and was used to stings. That way I wouldn't get hurt so much. Getting hurt sucks. #FindingNemo

Fuck a horde of jellyfish. Forming an unlawful assembly and putting the citizens in danger. They should all be destroyed! #FindingNemo

If all drains lead to the ocean, then I've been peeing in the ocean all night long. #FindingNemo

If you see a small opening, wedge a pebble into it. Maybe it's just me, but that sounds a little naughty. #FindingNemo

Norman Osbourne needs to stop making his cronies do his dirty work. But he's rich. I guess that's what rich people do. #FindingNemo

Marlin wakes up passed out on the back of a righteous sea turtle. Some fish have all the luck. So not fair. #FindingNemo

Wish I woke up passed out on a turtle. But at least I never woke up passed out in the sewer or in a lion's den. #FindingNemo

Jelly Man is a sweet nickname. I'm lucky to be Iceman. And a security guard in Las Vegas once called me The Whistler. #FindingNemo

I headbutt my cat Korben Dallas all the time. There's no sweeter move than knocking heads with another life form. #FindingNemo

I want to scrape together some money and buy a shitload of baby sea turtles. Those creatures are the bomb. #FindingNemo

I wish a bunch of little sea turtles would gather and listen to my stories. I promise they're entertaining! #FindingNemo

Other best part of this movie is the Boston Lobsters talking about it being wicked daaaak. How's it goin' Bob? #FindingNemo

I'm Iike those seagulls every time I see a girl with hot totties - Mine! Mine! Mine! Except she's never mine. #sadness #FindingNemo

Marlin takes on 3 sharks and he's a hero. A girl takes on 3 sharks and she's a slut. That's not fair. #FindingNemo

Does @Disney have a water slide based on the East Australian Current in #FindingNemo? If not they should. They're sitting on a gold mine!

I want credit if @Disney now builds a water slide with inflatable turtles where you ride the East Australian Current. #FindingNemo

Just keep swimming... Just keep swimming... Is that a mantra for Dory or for sperm? #FindingNemo

And speaking of sperm, here's a sperm whale. Why is it called that? Has anyone ever stopped to question that? #FindingNemo

Is anyone else a little weirded out about a girl asking if you have seen her flow? Now that's just gross. #FindingNemo

Can't say that I've ever been inside a whale. Not even in college. #FindingNemo

Marlin says the whale is half empty. Dory says the whale is half full. Whose side are you on? #TeamHalfFull #FindingNemo

If I was up inside a whale I would never quit. Never give up! Never surrender! Get ejaculated from that whale! #FindingNemo

If the light is green, the tank is clean. The fish are incarcerated here in our custom made storage facility. #FindingNemo

But the light is red. The purple fish guy covers his nuts when the machine scans the tank. You can never be too cautious. #FindingNemo

Eaten by a pelican. That's not the way I'm going to go. I'm probably going to suffer from violent cardiac arrest. #FindingNemo

Hop inside my mouth if you want to live? Is that the #FindingNemo way of saying come with me if you want to live? #Terminator2

It's absolute chaos in the dentist's office. That's why I don't go despite having dental insurance. #FindingNemo

I can sympathize with Marlin. I've gone on many a quest only to find a dead fish at the end. #FindingNemo

Have you seen my Dad? And have you seen my baseball? #FindingNemo

I think that Dory just had Drunken Recall. Arnold Schwarzenegger had Total Recall. And Marlin has Nemo Recall. #FindingNemo

Swim down never works. I've been swimming down all my life and it hasn't gotten me anywhere. I'm bound to go belly up. #FindingNemo

I hate that everyone tells Nemo what he can't do. No wonder the kid was underdeveloped. Everyone is holding him back. #FindingNemo

I met a sea turtle once. And he was 150 years old. You know what that means? That Sandy Plankton was full of shit man. #FindingNemo

Like father, like daughter. Adult squid guy inks at the first sight of a shark. Way to keep it together pal. #FindingNemo

At the end of the day it's the story of a boy and his Dad. That's why I love it. It speaks to me. #FindingNemo

Where the fuck do these asshats think they are going in these plastic bags? They were better off in camp tivity... #FindingNemo

I want the end of my life to play out like the end credits of #FindingNemo. "Somewhere beyond the sea, she's there waiting for me..."

Got drunk and live tweeted #FindingNemo. One could say I'm channeling my inner @jimmylaw22 @BingeMedia #Pixar

Did you like that? Did you like what you saw there? You shouldn't. In fact you should be ashamed of yourself if you chuckled at any of these horrendous comments. Don't encourage me because then I might do this kind of shit more often. I encourage myself on a daily basis and I don't need any help pal. But thanks for the assist. Look, I'm sorry that I subjected you to this. But then again, you didn't have to read it unless you wanted to. My head is a twisted place. The only way I can stay "normal-ish" is to let the crazy out from time to time. And sometimes when I let that crazy out, I go after children's movies. It's better than going after children, right? And this blog post just took a real disastrous turn. And that is where I'm going to leave you. Go out and find your Nemo pal!

 - pookon -

www.pookon.com
https://twitter.com/pookondotcom
https://www.facebook.com/MilwaukeeIceman

25 Brewers in 25 Days - 2014 Recap - Leftfield

Khris Davis was the Brewers primary left fielder in 2014 and he represented Sombrero Nation well despite not being a Mexican. But that's okay because I'm not a Mexican either. I'm simply a born again Mexican. I don't know if Khris Davis has taken the solemn oath to become a born again Mexican and wearer of the Sombrero. But I always knew that I was going to love the guy because he shares a name with my mother, although he spells his a little differently (adding an unnecessary H). I have already identified that they are in fact 2 different people despite having a lot of things in common. Maybe he added the H so that people could tell them apart. Christ, I don't fucking know. I just root for the guy. After so many years of Shadows being cast in left field, it was nice to have a guy to root for who didn't have any character issues. I don't claim to know the truth the whole truth or nothing but the truth. I can't handle the truth. and I don't know a goddamn thing, but I do know when there's a guy that we all got to get behind because he thrives on confidence and people being in his corner. So it's up to us to help Khris Davis be the player that he's supposed to be and a player that we all know that he can be. We've got to get all up in his head and help the guy out.

And then there's Sage. I've got to get all up in those guts to help that girl out. Even though she is always smiling, I know that's all for show. She's empty, almost like she's missing a piece. And I got just the piece to fill that hole. I would rock her World. But I really shouldn't talk that dirty about Fox Sports Wisconsin girl Sage. She's the Mother of my future children. She's a goddess. She is incredible in every single way. I've never met her, but I dream about her every night. Although I'd like to make like Mario and Luigi and lay some pipe in her basement (if you know what I mean), I promise to love and respect her and give her the life that she deserves. Every single time I see her, her smile is so bright and so radiant. It could wipe the depressing frown off of every single impoverished and starving man, woman and child in every third world country. Her voice is like that of an Angel it's not even fair how heavenly it is. Like when I hear it, I feel bad because it wasn't meant for me. It was only meant for Jesus's ears. But by some act of God I get to hear it. I don't take this privilege lightly. I respect this opportunity as much as I respect this amazing woman. Even if I want to stick it in every hole of her body. And I mean every hole. Even in her ear.

Wait... wasn't this supposed to be about Khris Davis? Christ how did I get sidetracked yet again? I guess that's just what I do. They were very opposing views on Khris Davis' 2014 season. There are a lot of people who criticized his plate discipline, lack of walks and his below average defense. But on the flip side there were people who praised his power numbers and his ability to hit in the klutch (and clutch is intentionally spelled with a K, just like Khris is spelled with a K). He seemed to come up big when the Brewers needed him, which is rare for a young player to do. And even though there was a lot of pressure put on him to basically be the next Ryan Braun, he didn't really crumble under the pressure. Was he the next Ryan Braun? Of course not. Braun is a once in a generation type of player. But I think he was good enough that you can legitimately say he should be playing in left field everyday and the Brewers did the right thing by moving Braun to right field. It may just be my personal opinion, but I don't think we saw the real Khris Davis in 2014. He's only going to get better.

Sometime in July before the trade deadline, the Brewers acquired Gerardo Parra from the Arizona Diamondbacks. He was the fourth outfielder but he ended up seeing a good amount of playing time filling in for Braun (who was facing injuries) and Khris Davis (who was struggling at the plate in the field). The fact that he is a switch hitter and plays Gold Glove defense helped to get his name written in the lineup seemingly every day. By the end of the year it was almost like he transitioned to the everyday starter. But let's face it and I mean this in no offense to Mr. Parra, but we are a worse team if he is starting every day. He's solid. Going to give you a decent average, little bit of pop in his bat and excellent defense. But he doesn't have the wild card factor. He isn't a game changer. Khris Davis has the ability to be the deciding factor in a win or a loss with one swing of the bat. Some people might talk about runs saved through defense as opposed to runs created by offense. I will take a bat over a glove any day of the week. Even though the defense has been, is and will always be a problem for this team, what sunk this ship last year was the lack of offense. So we need to make sure that offense is the main priority when choosing which player takes the field.

Check out my 7th video, which recaps Leftfield for the 2014 Milwaukee Brewers, recorded on the bridge crossing Indian Creek in Fox Point, WI:

I was trying to make a connection between the video I filmed last March and the one that I filmed this March. I'm pretty sure that I failed. Or I succeeded. You know that the coin has two sides and the odds are 50/50 that it will end up on one of those sides. That is of course, unless it ends up not on a side but on the edge instead. Although that is highly unlikely, it still could happen and ruin my entire plan. Oh bother...

Khris Davis #18 - .265 batting AVG, 22 HRs, 65 RBIs, an above average defender in spite of the critics and the coolest guy in the World with my Mom's name.

.244 batting AVG, 22 HRs, 69 RBIs an average man with an average life. He works from 9 to 5, oh hell he pays the price. All he wants is to be left alone, in his average home. But why does he always feel like he's in the twilight zone?

  Logan Schafer #1 - .245 batting AVG, 6 HRs, 41 RBIs, 10 stolen bases and the best defender on the team not names Carlos Gomez. But he might change his name to Carlos Gomez so that people recognize him and give credit where it is due. This kid can play the shit out of the outfield.

.181 batting AVG, 0 HRs, 8 RBIs, 2 stolen bases, 65 games played and basically a non factor in the 2014 season. It doesn't matter how good his glove is if his bat can't keep him on the field/on the major league team.

Gerardo Parra #28 - .268 batting AVG, 3 HRs, 10 RBIs, 46 games played and would have been a really good acquisition had they made the playoffs. Pitching and defense wins in October, but you can't win in October if you don't get there.

I would take Sage's field no matter what the conditions were. I wouldn't even think twice before playing ball when there is grass on that field. If there was a rain delay and there was a risk of an injury that would sideline me for the rest of the season, I would still go out and play on that field. Even if there wasn't a game that day I would still go out and practice on that field. I'd go out there and tag all the bases. I'd practice my base running drills going from first to third when the guy behind you in the lineup hit a single. I'd lay down a bunt and hustle my way to first base and leg out an infield single. And then when she wasn't looking, I'd steal second. If she really wasn't paying attention, I'd also steal third. I hope that I get so adept at stealing bases that I can pull off the mother of all conquests and swipe home. And good lord, if I ever hit an in the park homerun, I'd be the luckiest guy alive. But I'd settle with a casual trot around the bases as I watched the ball sail into the leftfield seats. I don't care how it happens, but I just want to touch home plate. In case you were wondering what was going on right now, you don't get it. But that's okay. All you need to know is that Khris Davis is going to be alright. And the other thing you need to know is that I'm never going to be alright unless I get Sage. In my bed, on the field and in my life.

- pookon -

www.pookon.com
https://twitter.com/pookondotcom
https://www.facebook.com/MilwaukeeIceman

25 Brewers in 25 Days - 2014 Recap - Shortstop

Is there any player that had a worse year? I don't think I could name one. What Jean Segura had to deal with this year is unimaginable. I'm not going to sugarcoat it here - his son, who was only 9 months old, died in July. This was on top of what was already a tough season for him where he was trying to rebound from a poor 2nd half of 2013. At that point you just threw in the towel and chalked it up to a bad year. I don't really want to talk about it much (in respect to him and his family), but losing someone you love is incredibly tough. It's when thing when it's a parent or a sibling, but I have heard it's a whole different story when it is a child (and an infant child at that). It basically destroys you. You had your entire life planned with this child and planned that he would grow old and outlive you. You never expect (and never think) that a child will die before you. So I'll give anyone a pass if that happens. It doesn't matter if you are a baseball player, a teacher or a construction worker - that sadness is going to mess with your head and your heart, and it will affect your job. But a teacher or a construction worker isn't under the scrutiny and analysis that a Major League baseball player is. I understand that being a "celebrity" and a professional athlete puts in constantly in the public eye, but when real life matters come into play, it's best to just lay off the guy.

That having been said, I'm just going to state the obvious - he had a pretty mediocre year on the field. When you look at them, his stats really weren't that bad for a shortstop. That position isn't really known for being one that has a lot of power numbers or a high batting average. Shortstop is all about defense. While he did regress by the numbers, he still passed the eye test. His offensive numbers were nowhere near close to the ones that earned him a spot on the 2013 All-Star team, but I think that year was a fluke. Sorry pal, but Segura isn't an offensive shortstop. He isn't going to hit 15-20 HRs and drive in 60-70 RBIs. But if he gets on base (I would love it if Roenicke put him 2nd in the batting order) he could steal 40-50 bases per year and score 70-80 runs based on his speed alone. And if he's comfortable at the plate, he's not going to think about it. Why is that important? Because he doesn't need his offensive struggles carrying over to his defense. I feel like it did last year. He just never looked right at the plate or on the field. That will do it. Confidence is everything whether it is at baseball or with the ladies. I'm not confident in either, which leads to a lot of strikeouts.

Check out my 6th video, which covers Shortstop for the 2014 Milwaukee Brewers, recorded in my living room in the middle of the night during a weekend bender:

I was pretty drunk when I recorded this video in my living room in the middle of the night during a weekend bender and I wasn't able to make any kind of sense. I got some stares from my cat as I was facing the wall and talking to my camera, but I get stares when I do anything, so I'm used to it. I have been trying to limit my alcohol intake (no drinking on the weekdays) so after a few whiskey whatevers, I was lost in the supermarket and I needed an adult. I had like 19 sombreros on my head and it was really hard to stand there and try and stay upright, because everything in my body and mind was telling me to topple over and call it a night right there on the floor. But I finished the movie. And then I passed out. Classic Iceman.

Jean Segura #9 - .286 batting AVG, 10 HRs, 38 RBIs, 40 stolen bases, and part of a solid "up the middle" combo along with Lucroy/Maldonado and Carlos Gomez. Just like he used to be a part of the "Jean Jean made a machine, Yo Yo made it go, Hart Hart blew a fart and blew the whole damn thing apart" combo.

.246 batting AVG, 5 HRs, 31 RBIs, 20 stolen bases, 146 games played and solid-ish defense (16 errors) but basically a lost year. If you are going to point the finger at somebody for the problems that happened in 2014, he probably deserves it. If you want to pull his finger, I hope he gets it and cranks out a loud and reverberating fart.

Jeff Bianchi #14 - .236 AVG, 3 HRs, 26 RBIs and still a valuable member of the team because he's the backup at all 4 Infield positions and emergency 5th Outfielder. A good Utility Infielder is a huge asset in the National League.

.171 batting AVG, 0 HRs, 6 RBIs, 29 games played, 70 at bats and basically a non-factor for the 2014 Milwaukee Brewers. No offense, but fuck Jeff Bianchi.

Despite his struggles on and off the field, the Brewers still stuck with him at shortstop all seasons long, and he ended up playing in 146 (out of 162) games. Jeff Bianchi made a few appearances while Segura took some time off to be with his family, but for the most part it was the Segura show. I commend the Brewers for sticking with him through thick and thin. Until September when it all started falling apart, it was ok if he was having an off year. But when things started to go in the tank, it became apparent that the lack of offense from the shortstop position contributed to the collapse. His batting average in September was .319, but he only hit 1 homerun and drove in 3 RBIs. It was nice to see him finish strong average wise (because he's never going to be a power hitter and is capable of batting .270-.280) but it was too little too late.

Not to get ahead of myself, but if he is anything like his 2013 season, he's worth an extra 2-3 wins on his own. If Ryan Braun (which I will cover shortly) also rebounds, he's worth an extra 4-5 wins. Think about that for a second. The Brewers finished with an 82-80 record and missed the playoffs. If Segura and Braun played like they were capable of in 2014, they win an extra 5-7 games. That means they win 87-89 games and make the playoffs. That's such a huge difference! If they make the playoffs in 2014, September doesn't matter and the offeseason is completely different. And so is my attitude going into the 2015 season. That's how important Jean Segura is. That just goes to show you that something so little can end up being so big. It's the whole drop in a pond and the ripple effect. All it takes is for someone to make that drop in the pond. I'm hoping Segura can be that drop. 

 - pookon -

www.pookon.com
https://twitter.com/pookondotcom
https://www.facebook.com/MilwaukeeIceman

25 Brewers in 25 Days - 2014 Recap - 3rd Base

I bet Aramis Ramirez felt real old in 2014. I felt his pain. He turned 36 years old this week. I turned 33. Life was rough for me as I tried to pretend I was still young as I hung out with the kids trying to keep up. It didn't work. No matter how much my brain or my heart was in it, the body just couldn't keep up. I imagine that this is what Ramirez felt like. I don't mean to knock him in any way, because I'm sure the guy could kick my ass. He's in better shape than I could ever dream to be. It's just that playing professional sports (and 162 games in like 180 days) has to take a toll on the body. You don't recover as quick as you once did. You don't have that bounce back the next day. You don't wake up in the morning with that same old pep in your step. I get it. It happens. While this is no excuse, it probably contributed to his mediocre season. He would never admit it (because why would you?), but there comes a time when you just aren't what you used to be. At that point, you think about hanging it up and calling it a career. I did it with Beer Pong. Maybe it's time for Ramirez to do it with baseball.

He really didn't have that bad of a year when you consider it. But aside from the batting average, his numbers were below his career norms. His homerun totals have decreased considerably and his RBIs are not sufficient for someone batting in the cleanup spot. He's in a position (and he's getting paid) to drive in runs, so when he doesn't, you have to hold him accountable for that. He didn't get the job done. If you want to put his season on paper, in black and white, clear as crystal, he didn't steal fizzy lifting drinks. He didn't bump into the ceiling which now needs to be washed. He didn't break the rules. But he DID lose. And he will not have a good day Sir. He was a disappointment. Sorry that I have to label him as that, but I'm done playing nice. The 2014 season really rubbed me the wrong way and I need to take out my anger on someone. Players need to be held accountable and fingers need to be pointed. This one is pointed directly at you Aramis.

Never even mind the money. The money given to professional athletes these days is absurd. As far as the game goes, Ramirez made what a guy of his experience and career averages should make. So let's throw that out the window. The window. The 2nd story window. He's in a position that demands production both in the lineup (batting 4th) and on the field (3rd base). You are paying him for results. He didn't deliver those results. That is the bottom line pal. At that point it is what it is. I don't really have anything to say about his 2014 season, so let's just skip to the part that you all came here for - the ridiculous videos that I do. I don't know how or why it has come to this, but I'll gladly step out of the way and let this motherfucker ascend to the throne. What? He's better than me. Why fight it? You can either stand here and die by the sword or capitulate to the enemy, live out your life and fall in line behind him. I'd rather live in shame than to die with honor.

Check out my 5th video, which recaps 3rd Base for the 2014 Milwaukee Brewers, recorded outside of my house on a Sunday morning. This was during a real bender of a weekend, so I had no idea what was going on at the time. I tried watching it just now, and I still don't have any idea what is going on. Classic.

My house is the home of the Iceman (at least for the time being). This is where I spend the majority of my time and it is also my fortress of solitude (and of no ladies). This is hardly a facility that houses major league talent, but I'm afraid this is all that a man of my statue and build can muster up on short notice. That's just the way life is pal. I'm dealing with it. I don't know why you are having such a hard time with it.

Aramis Ramirez #16 - .292 batting AVG, .365 OBP, 24 HRs, 97 RBIs and a chance to prove that he's only as old as he feels. And I know he's married and has kids, so he won't be feeling up any young hot totties. So Rami - how about throwing some of them my way? Spread the wealth pal.

.285 batting AVG, .330 OBP, 15 HR, 66 RBIs, 133 games plated and another year lost to injury. He ended his 3 year deal with the Brewers on a real down note. He wasn't the sole reason why the Brewers didn't make the playoffs, but his lack of offense in September was as bad as my lack of sexual interaction with the ladies.

I hate writing negative things. I don't want to sit here and tell you something that you already know and rehash some bad times/memories. I want to go out on a good note and finish this up with a hug or a pat on the back that will let you know that everything is going to be OK. But I can't do that. I won't sit here and lie to you. And you know what? There is NO Easter Bunny! Over there, that's just a guy in a suit! And a schooner IS a sailboat, stupid head. And Aramis Ramirez was a shell of his former self in 2014. You can blame his age, the injuries or you can blame Canada. You can even blame it on the rain. 'Cause the rain don't mind. And the rain don't care. You got to blame it on something. Blame it on the rain that was falling, falling. Blame it on the stars that shine at night. But whatever you do don't put the blame on you. Blame it on the rain yeah, yeah.

Did you hear that Ramirez? According to Milli Vanilli, you don't have to stand in the mirror in the morning and place the blame on yourself for what happened in the 2014 season. You can blame in on the rain. It wasn't your fault that the offense crumbled in September that led to your team missing the playoffs. So what if you hit .217 with 1 HR and 5 RBIs in September. This is a team game, right? You can't possibly blame just one guy for the team's faults. The Jackson 5 puts the blame on the boogie. Would you do that as well? Good luck with that one pal. Not many can reach the level of success and notoriety that they did. I doubt that you would be able to follow in their footsteps. But if you do, please let me know when it happens, because I would love to ride your coattails forever and ever so that I don't have to do shit for the rest of my life.

- pookon -

www.pookon.com
https://twitter.com/pookondotcom
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25 Brewers in 25 Days - 2014 Recap - 2nd Base

If I was to form my own gang of Little Rascals, I would most certainly include guys like Rickie and Scooter in my gang. By name alone they just sound like they would fit in with Alfalfa, Spanky and Buckwheat. We could tell ghost stories in my "No Girls Allowed" clubhouse and eat so much junk food that we would all go home with tummy aches. This is my perfect world scenario. Too bad for all those involved, we don't live in a perfect world. In the 2014 Milwaukee Brewers World there was a transition at 2nd base from the past (Rickie Weeks, drafted in 2003 and was the primary 2nd baseman from 2005 - 2013) to the future (Scooter Gennett, drafted in 2009 and made quite an impression in 2013 and 2014 and is poised to take over full time in 2015). This transition happened right in front of our eyes, and while everyone was jumping for joy, I hung my head in sadness. Look, I have nothing against Scooter Gennett; I think he's going to be a fine 2nd baseman for the next 5 or so years. But I don't love him like I loved Rickie. The first jersey that I bout since I started being a hardcore fan (late 90's) was a #23 batting practice Weeks. I've worn it out and the colors are fading, but it still represents a time when I loved the players more than I loved the team. Times have changed and players do come and go, but my favorite 2 Brewers players of all time will not. You're still my boy Rickie and Bill Hall still wins games.

There was nothing I would change about 2nd base for the 2014 Brewers. This was one of 3-4 positions that I wouldn't blame for what happened last year. This platoon worked out incredibly well as Scooter started primarily against righties (his career splits against lefties is pretty terrible, but to be fair he hasn't gotten a whole lot of opportunities) and Weeks suited up against lefties. Scooter's numbers were pretty damn good, but he's going to need to drive in around 70 runs per year if he wants to be the every day starter. Weeks had a resurgence both in his batting average and in his ability to stay healthy. The made for a great 1-2 punch. Kind of like fruit and tropical. I'm good with a glass of either in my left or right hand. At the end of the day with either one of them, I will go home with my thirst quenched.

There's a lot of hate for Rickie Weeks and so much of it is unwarranted. Did he ever live up to being a 2nd overall draft pick? Probably not. Did he make too much money for the amount of games that he was able to play and the numbers that he put up? Probably. Was he a good clubhouse player who led by example? From what I know, yes. Did he work hard and try to be the best he could every day? Absolutely. Was he sexier without his shirt on? Definitely. Wait... what? No! I meant no! Look, I love me some Rickie Weeks but I am all about the ladies. I fooled myself with that one. Damn it. I always get the gay questions wrong. Maybe it's time to change teams...

Baseball is a game of change, especially for small market teams. They have to draft and develop because they can't be major players in the free agent market. So if a player comes along that can do the same thing as the guy who is making 5x to 10x more money than they are, then it may be time to let the higher priced guy go. That's how it was with Rickie this year. I don't think there were any hard feelings from the front office. I think they all loved Rickie too. But the reality of it was that Scooter was the future 2nd baseman and that there was no longer a place on this team for Weeks. We saw this in 2014 as he started to take a "Captain-May-I" giant step backwards to make way for the future. It happens and even though I'm not quite over it, I have no choice but to accept it. That's the way the game is played. It makes it so much easier once you stop trying to figure it out. Just let go and stop trying to figure it out. Just go with the flow man. Everything will be ok.

Check out my 4th video, which recaps 2nd Base for the 2014 Milwaukee Brewers, recorded in my bathtub on a Sunday morning. Don't worry pal - I'm wearing a swim suit. There's no need to make this any weirder than it already is:

It's pretty evident that I have problems. Just look at me. I'm a mess. Hanging out in my bathtub, drinking a beer and filming the whole thing. But I don't do this for my own personal gain. Oh no no my friends - I do this for you. So enjoy this bountiful harvest that I have provided for you. There's plenty to go around and there's always more where this came from. And I just made it really really weird. Moving on...

Scooter Gennett #2 - .286 batting AVG, .326 OBP, 8 HRs, 38 RBIs, the "unofficial" every day 2nd Baseman and someone that Scooters like me and that orange bastard on the Muppets can look up to and someday band together to form a League of Scooters.

.289 batting avg, .320 OBP, 9 HRs, 54 RBIs, 110 starts the "official" every day 2nd Baseman but NOT a member of the League of Scooters. He declined our invitation. Thanks a million Ryan. We could have had something magical.

Rickie Weeks #23 - .261 batting AVG, .320 OBP, 7 HRs, 29 RBIs, a positive member of the team who will be a team player, act like a veteran and will end his career with the Brewers on a down note, a tragic story of what could have been if an athlete lived up to his potential. But nevertheless, Rickie will always be my boy. What kind of man would I be if I left his side in his greatest moment of need?

.274 batting avg, .357 OBP, 8 HRs, 29 RBIs, 49 starts and sailed off into free agency with a slow and uneventful exit. Kind of like some old bastard who dies quietly in their sleep as opposed to a young man who bravely faced, but ultimately succumbed to his terminal cancer. And me, as his domestic partner, was not even allowed in the hospital room to be with him because of the god damn inequalities that fail to recognize our union.

I didn't want it to end like this. Even though Weeks had some pretty respectable stats to close out his time in a Brewers uniform, I feel like he didn't get to go out on his terms. But he didn't call out the team in the media. He didn't take to social media to complain about playing time. He didn't become a distraction or add to the problem. He took it like a pro and I respect him for that. It was the best way to handle a bad situation. We got to see what a full year of Scooter looks like and I do have to say that I was pleased with the results. He doesn't have the home run power that Rickie has, but it looks like he's going to be solid. That's all you really need from 2nd base when the rest of the positions are above average on offense (which is debatable). I just need a guy who can play every day and not screw up. Scooter seems to be that guy. Time will tell on this one, but the Brewers seem to be moving from the Weeks era to the Scooter era.

I know that it doesn't seem like it, but this was a hard article to write. I had to put personal feelings aside and be realistic. If I were running the Brewers, I would have done the exact same thing. It makes perfect sense if you're thinking with everything other than your heart. When it comes to the business of the game, you have to leave your heart out of it. That's one of the hardest things to do as a sports fan. I get way too emotionally invested in the team and these players that I left them affect me in ways that should never be allowed. But that's why I am a fan. I ride the highs and the lows and I let this game affect me. Every now and then it helps to take a step back and remind myself to look at things with my brain and not with my heart. My brain tells me that Scooter is better than Rickie. But my heart doesn't agree. And that is why it hurts so much. And it will continue to hurt for a long time. That is what I have to deal with for being a fan of Rickie Weeks and the Milwaukee Brewers.

 - pookon -

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25 Brewers in 25 Days - 2014 Recap - 1st Base

What do you do when something is broken? You fix it of course. That's obvious as shit. So how come the Brewers don't fix 1st base? As soon as they selected Prince Fielder in the first round of the 2002 draft they had to know they weren't going to keep him around forever. He progressed quickly through the minors and made his Major League debut in 2005 and was the every day (and I mean every day - this guy didn't take a day off. NEVER! Not even if there was a fire) first baseman from 2006-2011. They should have drafted his successor and groomed him to take over when Prince left for the money. Well you all know what happened in the last 3 seasons so I'm not going to repeat it. Because it isn't pretty. Hunter Morris was a bust and every non-first baseman that they chose to play the position failed miserably. So for 2014 they signed two veteran players who actually knew how to play the position. They were missing that and veteran leadership in 2013 and that resulted in a lost season. We all know how the 2014 season ended and that offense was to blame for that. And like it or not, the finger points in the direction of 1st base. Every other position performed (with some exceptions) but that is supposed to be a position of production. And 1st base didn't produce.

You can't fault Doug Melvin here. Hunter Morris was the Southern League MVP in 2012 while playing for the Huntsville Stars. He was supposed to be the answer and all the Brewers had to do is keep the base warm until Morris ascended to the throne. Well that never happened, so Melvin did the best he could Lyle Overbay was a fan favorite at Miller Park in 2004 and 2005, so bringing him back as a veteran presence and the left side of a platoon made perfect sense. The "Oooooooooooo!!!!" chants did return to Miller Park and it would have been a good move if they got a better player to form the right side of that platoon. Mark Reynolds came exactly as advertised - he hit homeruns but couldn't bat his weight and he struck out more than me at the bar on a Saturday night. If you like that sort of thing then you have more problems than the only psychiatrist in Punxsutawney can deal with (although he does have an alcoholic now). 

I want guys who can get on base AND drive in runs. That's a recipe for success. Solo homeruns just don't cut it for me. Sure Reynolds did have 21 homeruns, but he only had 54 RBIs (meaning that 21 of those were himself). While the blame is certainly on his teammates for not getting on base in front of him, I think we can also blame him for not getting the job done when guys were on base when he was at the plate. Overbay was the best pinch hitter on the team and he showed some real discipline at the plate (his .328 OBP doesn't jump out at you, but it's nearly 100 points higher than his batting avg of .233). He seemed to come up big in the situations that mattered, which is what you want from a part time player. I have no problem with anything that he did. My problem is Reynolds. It's not that he failed because he was what he thought he would be. But that's the problem. We shouldn't even be signing guys like that. It's a waste of time and the results aren't good enough to justify having him on your team.

I don't need to go into any more detail about these asshats. If you watched any Brewers games this year then you know that Overbay and Reynolds were better than whatever nonsense we have thrown at first base over the past 3 years. But crap is a nicer way of saying shit. It doesn't matter what word you choose - it's the same thing in the end. They weren't special. They just were. And that's the problem. We needed something special to make the playoffs and instead we won 82 games and sat at home during October. That's the reality of it. I haven't even touched on their defensive skills because they were above average. It's nothing to shout from the balcony because they got the job done. Reynolds was adequate filling in at 3rd when Ramirez was injured and also did a nice job at 1st. Overbay was hindered by his age and didn't have the range of his youth, but he still made plays. They were decent 1st basemen. But decent doesn't make you a great team. Average doesn't make you special. I'm not saying that these two players cost the Brewers success in 2014, but they certainly were a factor.

Check out my 3rd video, which recaps 1st Base for the 2014 Milwaukee Brewers, recorded in my car on Friday January 16th on the way to work:

What I didn't realize at the time is that the audio somehow got all mucked up during recording. When I looked at this video the next day, I realized that many parts of it were inaudible, so I could either record a new video or dub over new audio. Since I didn't know exactly what I said, I thought it would be funnier to record new audio because it wouldn't sync up with my lips and it would be like when they dub English over Chinese in martial arts movies. While it's not quite that funny in my video, it was more fun to me than recording a new video.

Lyle Overbay #24 - .242 batting avg, 9 HRs, 38 RBIs, 20 doubles, a great veteran presence in the clubhouse, stellar defense at 1st base and sure to elicit a lot of "Ooooo" faces from every man and woman at Miller Park this season.

.233 batting avg, 4 HRs, 35 RBIs, 14 doubles, 64 starts at 1st, the best pinch hitter since Lenny Harris and still able to get those "Oooooo" faces going despite his age.

Mark Reynolds #7 - .221 batting avg, 21 HRs, 54 RBIs, 145 strikeouts, able to decently play 1st and 3rd base and be the first baseball player to strikeout 9 times in a regulation game (9 innings). 

.196 batting avg (a career low), 22 HRs, 45 RBI, 122 strikeouts, 72 starts at 1st, 29 starts at 3rd and has more strikeouts than a mentally challenged blind kid.

You'll notice that I made very little mention of Jonathon Lucroy in this article. He only played 19 games at 1st (16 starts), so he wasn't much of a factor over there. You have to think that number is going to increase in the future, so he might be a bigger part of the talk at this position if I ever choose to do these articles again. But this is focusing on the past and the past sucked balls. But it happens. I'm done talking about this because I've already wasted too much of my life on the 2014 season.

1st base didn't break the 2014 Milwaukee Brewers but it was one of the cracks that lead to the whole damn thing breaking apart. You can still stay intact with one crack. Sure it looks ghetto as fuck if you don't get that shit fixed, but you can still operate with no setbacks. If you have 3-4 cracks then it isn't stable anymore and it becomes a very fragile piece. That's what happened. It was in danger all season and in September it broke. At the worst possible time too. But do things ever break at the right time? Hell no. There's no such thing as the right time when it comes to breaking things. Except when you're mad. When your're mad it feels great to break things.

- pookon -

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It's in My Head - #18: What if Apples Tasted Like Mashed Potatoes?

Wouldn't it be weird if one day all the sudden food didn't taste like it was supposed to? I'm not saying that in a bad way, like now everything tastes like shit. I'm saying that now it just tastes like another food. Like suppose you bit into an apple, and instead of tasting like an apple, it tasted like mashed potatoes. So that's really good if you like mashed potatoes, but what if you were really excited to eat that apple? Now you don't get the taste of apples anymore because all apples taste like mashed potatoes. That would make me wonder if this was an isolated incident or if this phenomenon was widespread. I know I would be like a mad scientist given his first government job with unlimited supplies and experimental freedom; I would be testing everything.

So if apples taste like mashed potatoes, I wonder what a chicken sandwhich tastes like. So I run out to the nearest fast food joint and I grab a chicken sandwhich... and I instantly spit it out because it tastes like creamed corn. Yuck. But I'm 1 for 2. I'm batting .500. I grab a handful of spinach and toss those leaves into my mouth. To my surprise, they tasted just like gummy bears! This was the best! I'm going to eat spinach with every meal from now on! But I also got worried. What about my favorite foods? Would I dare try some pizza or french fries? I don't want to know what happened to these foods because my memory of them is too good that I don't want to taint it with realization that pizza doesn't taste like pizza anymore and french fries don't taste like french fries anymore.

I'd be willing to try a whole lot of things that I probably didn't eat before, like gross foreign food, creatures from the sea and domesticated animals just to see if they tasted like Oreo ice cream, spaghettios or cotton candy. Who knows what it tastes like until you try it? Everything you know about food is completely thrown out the window because nothing tastes like it is supposed to. Would that blow your mind or would you be ok with that? I'm really not sure. I'm always open to try new things, but it seems like every time I go to a restaurant, I order something familiar like a hamburger. Someone can't screw up a hamburger, can they? Have you ever had a real, I mean absolutely terrible hamburger? No! Because hamburgers taste like hamburgers. You know what you are getting. 

But what if you didn't know what you were getting? Because the hamburger now tastes like seaweed. And then you eat some seaweed and it tastes like barbecue ribs. Then you get some barbecued ribs and it tastes like skim milk. Then you get some skim milk and it tastes like purple seedless grapes. And the purple seedless grapes taste like Nacho Cheese Doritos. And Nacho Cheese Dorritos taste like scrambled eggs. And scrambled eggs taste like churros. And churros taste like Gerber baby food sweet potatoes. And then you open up the can of Gerber baby food sweet potatoes and it tastes like microwave popcorn. Microwave popcorn now tastes like a banana. And a banana tastes like a steak cooked medium rare. Medium rare steak tastes like sweet and sour chicken but a steak well done tastes like Mountain Dew. Crack open a can of Mountain Dew and get ready for the wild taste of boiled goose. Are you a fan of boiled goose? Well you might not be anymore now that boiled goose tastes like decaf coffee. If you find yourself putting on a pot of decaf in the afternoon because you used to like the taste, get ready for a warm cup of clam chowder. Actually that doesn't sound too bad. I could go for a nice cup of clam chowder in the afternoon. But heaven forbid I crush a couple of saltine crackers in my decaf coffee and almost vomit when I realize that I just put blueberries in my clam chowder.

I would be so mixed up all the time. I'm sure eventually you could learn to accept the madness of the new food world because after all, you've already learned what things tasted like before from trying them and you have developed a connection between taste and sight. Why couldn't you do it again? I'm sure that you could relearn everything enough to remember that when you have a craving for steamed broccoli, all you have to do is unwrap a Werther's original. Thirsty for a cold refreshing Miller Lite? Make sure you grab a string cheese out of the fridge. Up would be down, left would be the 6:00 Evening News and jello would be macaroni and cheese. In some strange way I feel like I would fit perfectly into that world. Because that's what's in my head and my head is a very twisted place. I never know what to expect when I bite into something, so why shouldn't it be something insane? How about you? Could you live in that world? What kind of bizarre food switches are in your head?

 - pookon -

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25 Brewers in 25 Days - 2014 Recap - Catcher

If Jonathon Lucroy isn't your favorite player on the Milwaukee Brewers, you seriously need to reevaluate what you are doing wrong with your life. Because I promise you that this isn't the only mistake that you are making. If you tell me that Carlos Gomez is your favorite player, I'm willing to give you a pass. I love Gomez so much that I would probably let him marry me (seeing that Rickie Weeks is now off the market). But isn't Gomez married? I know that he has a girl and some kids, but I don't have the heart to look it up if he is legally taken. But why am I talking about him here? He'll get his in due time when I recap his 2014 season. I can't be another one of those assholes who doesn't give proper credit to Jonathon Lucroy after he put up one of the better seasons I've seen in a long time. Sure, some of the numbers may not be all that flashy, but it's what can't be measured in numbers is where he really shines.

There are statistics for everything and I could bore with by rattling them off (but I'm not going to. You're welcome). They even have many defensive stats that help qualify a catcher's worth like defensive runs saved above average, catcher's ERA and of course errors, fielding percentage and stolen bases numbers (runners thrown out, allowed and percentages). OK, so maybe I did manage to bore you a little bit. But know that Lucroy and Maldonado were around the league average in every category. While that certainly doesn't instill a lot of confidence, they were invaluable behind the plate as they helped the pitching staff to championship numbers (3.67 in 2014 as compared to 3.63 in 2011 and 3.85 in 2008). So you can't blame Lucroy, Maldonado or the pitching staff for the great collapse of 2014. These two men crouched behind the plate did everything they could on defense, calling the game and on offensive to get them to the playoffs. But it wasn't enough. The team just came up a little short, but there is no way a finger should every be pointed in their direction.

Braun had to step out of the limelight a little bit because of the whole PED suspension shit, so the Brewers wisely moved Lucroy into the marketing spotlight. He's got Southern charm (born in central Florida but went to college at the University of Louisiana at Lafayette and played for the Ragin Cajuns) and seems like an all around nice guy. Fans really got behind the "LUUUUUUUUUUUUCCC!!!" cheer and jumped right on that marketing bandwagon. They voted him in to the All-Star game and he started the game. He hit 53 doubles and led the league, setting a NL record for most doubles as a catcher in the process (falling 1 short of tying Lyle Overbay's franchise record set in 2004). On top of that he gave his time to charity, smiled for the cameras and seemed like an all around nice guy. There's really nothing bad that I can say about Lucroy or Maldonado and that continues in the video below.

Check out my 2nd video, which recaps the Catchers from the 2014 Milwaukee Brewers, recorded at my apartment on January 16, 2015:

It was the middle of the night after I had a few. I don't expect you to watch this because it's a real piece of work (as was I during this video). I should never get drunk. And I should never film a video. And I should never talk about the Brewers. And I should be embarrassed of my actions and where I am at this stage in my life. But I'm not. That's why I have problems.

Jonathan Lucroy #20 - .275 batting avg, 24 HRs, 81 RBIs, 125 games caught and his first All-Star appearance, which is not only well deserved but will also lift him out of the underrated ranks into the catching elite.

.301 batting avg, 13 HRs, 69 RBIs, 53 doubles, 133 games started at Catcher, 16 games started at 1st, made his 1st All-Star appearance (and started the game), was totally snubbed for a Gold Glove award but is at least beginning to earn a little respect, which puts him one step above Rodney Dangerfield.

Martin Maldonado #12 - .215 batting avg, 4 HRs, 19 RBIs, 37 games caught and the best god damn backup since the Time backed up Morris Day. That shit was the mad note! My Jungle Love, oo wee oo wee oo.

.234 batting avg, 4 HRs, 16 RBIs, 29 games caught, 2 games at 1B, 1 inning pitched (0.00 ERA) and a backup extraordinaire like my portable hard drive - there in case you need it in when the primary one crashes (but you hope to God that it never does). 

There's nothing really to say about these bastards anymore. I don't even know why I called them bastards. In fact, I'm sure both of them know their birth fathers, so what I'm saying right now is complete bullshit. But that's the story of my life pal. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, real shit, bullshit, bullshit and more bullshit. See how I managed to stick in some real shit in between there? That's because it happened. I don't know how it happened (because I wasn't there) but the 2014 season fell apart, but don't go pointing the finger at these two.

Catchers weren't the problem. Sure, people may point to Maldonado's numbers and have a problem with it, but he's a backup. How much did he really impact the 2014 team? But he was the perfect backup. When Lucroy needed a day off, the team was in perfectly capable hands. How many teams has that kind of benefit? Maldonado could start on a team without a front-tier starter. Could it be a frontier starter? Like Billy the Kid or Wyatt Earp? I could get behind that a whole lot more than the other option. Maybe because I admire Old West dudes who took the law into the hands, carried six shooters on the hips and banged some dirty prostitutes? Western Union train? There's only so much whiskey that money can buy, so you might as well just give that money to some old dusty broads. They're going to die from STDs in a few years anyway, right? And it doesn't matter that they gave you AIDS. A gunshot wound to the chest during a shootout at high noon will kill you faster. How would I know? I don't. I'm just guessing. I have never had AIDS or a gunshot wound to the chest, so I can't weigh in on that. But I have a feeling gunshots are worse, especially without the benefit of modern medicine.

   - pookon -

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It's in My Head - #17: Sexy Beekeeper

I wanted to post this at the end of October (when I was doing this whole "It's in My Head" nonsense). I realize now that this article is no longer topical, but I still feel like posting it anyway. It's my World pal! And it's my head! I can do whatever I want and you cannot stop me! Ha ha ha ha ha! This must be what evil mad scientists in the movies must feel like. They sit behind their giant desks and have diabolical plans that will change the World and no doubt enact revenge on those who strive to destroy their way of life. I want to be the super villain. But I'm not. I'm the hero that will overcome all odds, defeat evil, save the day and kiss the girl. But where were we? Oh that's right - I believe we were talking about Halloween. And when we talk about Halloween, we talk about a few things - trick or treat, spooks, ghosts, goblins and the most important thing of all - dressing up in a costume and being a complete slut and letting it all hang out on one day of the year when it is somehow acceptable to do so. That's what makes Halloween one of the greatest days of all. And that is what is in my head today, albeit in a way that you probably aren't ready to deal with.

Halloween has become a time of year when girls can dress like total sluts and feel like they can get away with it. Trust me, I'm not complaining about it. If anything, I encourage it. All of the girls out there need to do it more often and they need to do it around me. Lord knows I could use the stimulation. The only girls that I hang out with are my sister and my mother. I do not want them to dress provocatively around me (that should go without saying). So I am left with the dream world where I control everything around me. Think Inception but with only hot chicks in minimal clothing (no offense to Leonardo DiCaprio, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page, Tom Hardy, Ken Wantanabe, Michael Caine and the crew - I need some hot chicks all up on me and shit. I'm talking Natalie Portman, Britney Spears, Mila Kunis, Scarlett Johansson, Hayden Panettiere, Katy Perry, Emmy Rossum, all of the Spice Girls, Victoria Justice, Kelly Brook and any other random girl that finds me attractive out of my dreams and into my car, Billy Ocean-style). This is my dream. And in my dream these women can't get up off of me. Seriously, I would push them off if it didn't feel so good. Don't worry Natalie and Hayden; there's plenty of me to go around. But where was I? Oh yeah - Sexy Beekeeper.

I don't know how I strayed so far from the point of this article, but I blame the Government. They are always trying to hold the people down. And they are always trying to tell the ladies how to dress. I disagree with this. If a hottie wants to show off the goods, I say let her. Halloween is a time when girls can dress like sluts and put those hot totties on display. You've no doubt seen them - Sexy Cop, Sexy Nurse, Sexy Vampire, Sexy Devil, Sexy (fill in the blank) and the list goes on. I've seen them all. But have you ever seen Sexy Beekeeper?

I'm a little disappointed that there is no Sexy Beekeeper costume. But there is a Sexy Bee Costume. Just look at that scantily clad girl to the right. But why should the sexiness only be allowed for the bees? What if the beekeeper wants to get in on the action? Imagine the mesh hood and boots on a hot chick with her midriff showing and her bosoms exposed to the sting of the members of the hive. She's there to cultivate the honey from the bees and she wants to protect herself, but she also wants to be sexy at the same time. It's hard to be sexy while fully clothed. That's why there needs to be a costume for the beekeeper as well.

So I'm all about the Sexy Beekeeper. But if you were to ask my honest opinion, I'm all about the sexy anything. In my head, every girl (not related to me) is sexy in their own way. Despite your preconceived notions of me, I love women. I love them so much that I obsess about them at almost every moment. They could be wearing footie pajamas with the trap door in the back, or a goose-down jacket with oversized carpenter jeans, or a sexy beekeeper costume, or a full body hazmat suit that protects them from toxic chemicals or nothing at all; I love them. And even though I know how creepy this (and the entire article) is, I can't help it because it's always in my head. This is one of many reasons why I am still single and probably will always be. What's in your head that prevents you from attracting the love of the opposite sex?

 - pookon -

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