An 18-Pack of High Life Lessons

On Friday April 6, 2012 I bought a case of Miller High Life. While the buying of beer and liquor is fairly common in my life, I decided to do something a little different with it this time around. I decided that with every beer I drank, I had to share something that I've learned in life that I wanted the World to know about in 140 characters or less on my Twitter account using the #HighLifeLesson. Some of these are things that I try to do every day in accordance with my life mottos but most of them were off of the top of my head as I cracked open the next beer. If you came here expecting some stupid drunk nonsense like "Don't Cross the Streams" (although that's good advice) and other movie quotes then you don't understand me. Don't worry about it pal. No one understands me. When you break me down to the core I'm a very thoughtful and intelligent person who is very truthful and reasonable. Unfortunately there are a lot of layers to break away before you can get to that part of me. If you ever took the time to read this blog you would probably understand but no one really has time for that shit. I spend a lot of time alone because people are busy. I get it. But that's not what this article is about. This is about trying to relay some lessons I've learned throughout life that I would like to share. If these lessons help you to live the High Life then I've finally done some good in this World.

I bought an 18 pack of High Life. I'm going to see how many I can drink. And with each one I'm going to share a #HighLifeLesson (4/6/2012 7:36 pm)

1st beer - Beer tastes so much better when you have a drinking buddy. If you don't have a buddy, drink with a pet. #HighLifeLesson (4/6/2012 8:06 pm)

2nd beer - You're going to get let down a lot in life. But I bet your letdown is just a #FirstWorldProblem. #HighLifeLesson (4/6/2012 8:40 pm)

3rd beer - I'll probably never find a girlfriend unless I start looking. But even then she'll probably keep hiding. #HighLifeLesson (4/6/2012 9:19 pm)

4th beer - sitting around by yourself on a Friday night singing "Moon River" is in no way depressing. #HighLifeLesson (4/6/2012 10:02 pm)

5th beer - singing opera-style is a lot of fun, and you don't need a great voice to do it. Sing as loud as you want. #HighLifeLesson (4/6/2012 10:35 pm)

6th beer - Life is in 3D; you just need to take off your glasses to be able to see it. #HighLifeLesson (4/6/2012 11:20 pm)

I only got through 6 of the 18 beers (which is still a decent 1/3rd of a case) that night but in my opinion there wasn't too much to take away from those 6 lessons. They are more what I was doing or how I felt. There isn't much that you could use to try and live the High Life. I might have realized it on that night because I stopped this little adventure. Who knows. That was over 2 years ago. But I do know that the next 7 High Life Lessons that I came up with on the next day are ones that I'm really proud of and I will admit that I try and incorporate them into my life.

7th beer - Fake it till ya make it. Better to screw up trying than to never try at all. #HighLifeLesson (4/7/2012 7:40 am)

8th beer - take time to be wowed by simple yet complex things like fire and clouds. Makes you feel like a kid again. #HighLifeLesson (4/7/2012 10:54 am)

9th beer - put in a hard day of work so you feel no regret following it up with a hard night of drinking. #HighLifeLesson (4/7/2012 7:16 pm)

10th beer - please do not squander a moment of your youth. Once you get older, the mind is willing but the body isn't able. #HighLifeLesson (4/7/2012 7:39 pm)

11th beer - The key to life is finding a balance. Don't take on too much. Set achievable goals. And have some fun. #HighLifeLesson (4/7/2012 8:19 pm)

12th beer - don't let anyone tell you what you can or can't do. Live your dreams. Chase some whimsies. #HighLifeLesson (4/7/2012 11:21 pm)

13th beer - Don't sit around and wait for luck. Instead practice Karma. Do good and good will happen to you. #HighLifeLesson (4/8/2012 12:52 am)

The 7th High Life Lesson is from my brother Timmy. He was a firm believer in "fake it till you make it" and always encouraged me to at least try. Not many people achieve perfection and the ones that do usually won't admit it because they keep striving to be better. Once you realize that no one is perfect, nothing should stop you from trying and failing until you do succeed.

The 11th High Life lesson is one of the 3 core beliefs that I live my life by. The other 2 are #16 and #18. With this tripod holding me up, I make all of my decisions, assess right from wrong and try to lead a good life. I'm sure there are other factors that go into it but when it comes down to it, I trust in those 3 things to guide me.

The 13th High Life Lesson is very appropriately numbered. I don't believe in luck. I believe in Karma, keeping yourself open to new ideas and adventures and having a positive attitude. When you do that you make your own luck. Ever realize that when one thing goes right you end up falling into several more "lucky" situations? It's the opposite of the "when it rains, it pours" scenario. Some of my best adventures in life have happened because I put myself in a position for good things to happen. Call it what you want (be it Karma or something else) but things rarely go wrong when you do the right thing. It might not always be the easy choice to make, but if you have a good heart and a sound mind you should have no trouble choosing the right path to take.

14th beer - Nap before you rally. Trust me, you'll thank me later. You will rally 10x harder after a little nap. #HighLifeLesson (4/14/2012 4:37 pm)

15th beer - Break down barriers. Run through walls. Keep on pushing until you get there. The finish line is spectacular. #HighLifeLesson (4/14/2012 5:31 pm)

I took a week off before I drank beers #14 and #15 most likely because of #14 - at my age I need to nap before I rally. I'm not getting any younger and it is getting increasingly more difficult to rage as hard as I want to. Also it seems like I'm starting to forget things as well. I could have easily picked this thing up a few days later and continued dishing out lessons. But for some reason I didn't. Something that is more alarming is that it took me almost a year to finish up these 18 High Life Lessons (although I promise you that it didn't take me that long to finish the actual beers).

16th beer - The secret to surviving in life is this - don't be a fucking idiot. Apply this to everything and you'll be alright. #HighLifeLesson (3/14/2013 9:39 pm)

17th beer - It's ok to rage for other people, but make sure to also take time to rage for yourself. Celebrate your life. #HighLifeLesson (3/14/2013 10:29 pm)

18th beer - Slow down and enjoy today. Don't strain yourself worrying about tomorrow. You can't get there until today is over. #HighLifeLesson (3/14/2013 11:31 pm)

It's a little weird that I didn't finish this little adventure until almost a year after I started it. What happened in those 11 months that I couldn't add 3 more High Life Lessons? Life probably happened. It usually does. But I also saved 3 of the most important ones for last. #16 is so incredibly true. There are way too many idiots out there or maybe they are just regular people doing idiotic things. Whatever the case may be, you can apply this thought to just about anything and you'll be OK. It's snowing and visibility is poor? Don't be a fucking idiot - drive carefully and give yourself plenty of space between yourself and the other cars. In a committed relationship? Don't be a fucking idiot and cheat on your partner. Why purposefully hurt another person? That's no way to treat someone that was or is a big part of your life. Those are only 2 examples, but I'm sure you could think of a million more. When a situation presents itself, don't be a fucking idiot. Make the right choice.

 

#17 - I spend too much time Raging for Timmy and not enough time raging for myself. Because of that I've put my life on hold while I've been trying not to forget his. While it is important to continue his legacy, I need to create one of my own as well so people will remember me when I am gone.

The last one (#18) is the final piece that makes up the support system that keeps me standing - slow down. Life moves by real fast and if you don't stop and enjoy it, someday you'll regret it. I've already got tons of regrets and I'm only 33 years old. How many times do I sit by the lake and stare out across open water? How many times do I lay on my back in the park and watch the clouds roll by? How often do I sit with my Mom or my Dad and ask them questions about their childhood? Someday they won't be here anymore. It's sad to think about it but one day I won't be here too. So while I am here, I might as well slow down and enjoy this thing called life. We only get one of them. Might as well enjoy what little of it we have left.

 

If you've enjoyed these High Life Lessons I hope you apply them to your own life or come up with some of your own to follow and share with the World. If you're in to this sort of thing then I implore you to follow me on Twitter for this and all sorts of other random thoughts and nonsense. You can find me at @pookondotcom. And if not, I'm sure that our paths will cross someday in the future if we keep ourselves open to the idea. So until then - cheers pal. Hope you are living the High Life.

 - pookon -

www.pookon.com
https://twitter.com/pookondotcom
https://www.facebook.com/MilwaukeeIceman

The Drive to Stay Alive Ep. 23 - I Only Gamble With My Life

I've had a lot of very interesting days in my life - some good and some bad. I like to try and forget the bad ones even though they are ingrained in my memory. The good ones I don't want to ever forget. But what about the ones that were equally as good and bad? What should I do about those days? I should share them with you. You're welcome in advance. This episode is a departure from the normal structure of this podcast but I had to do something like this again after I had so much fun with it last time I was in Las Vegas. If you listened to Episode 19 - Operation Dawn (which was recorded in March 2013 on my first night out there for a friend's wedding) then you know exactly how this one is going to turn out. The title of this episode comes from 1999's The Mummy. In it, Rick O'Connell (Brendan Fraser) is asked to join in a card game, to which he responds, "I only gamble with my life, never my money." I wish I was the same way, especially after this recent adventure. The truth is that I'm a gambling addict and I can't stay away from Las Vegas even though she repeatedly steals money from my wallet and leaves me lying unsatisfied in a drunken stupor. But like someone in an abused relationship, they go against their better judgment and keep coming back.

This was on the tail end of my trip down to Arizona to watch the Milwaukee Brewers play some Spring Training baseball. It was my plan all along to make the 5 hour drive to Las Vegas but I didn't plan on getting my ass kicked on the first night. I guess I was just ready to blow off some steam and I hit the ground running pretty hard. I was way too drunk to remember to record that night, so I did it the following night when I went to Planet Hollywood. I apologize if I sound a little down but I definitely wasn't as drunk as the night before (no one should ever be), I had already lost all of my allocated gambling money and I had arrived at this casino only to find they removed my Penguin slot machine where I could sit and creepily ogle the scantily clad dancing girls. That was my favorite spot in all of Las Vegas. But I decided to record anyway, and the result is still highly entertaining. 

This podcast is actually 3 separate recordings stitched together. The first 32 minutes were recorded at Planet Hollywood on Monday March 17 while playing some Caesar age of the Roman Empire type slot machine. The next 15 minutes were recorded on Sunday March 16 at the Plaza Casino downtown at like 3 in the morning while playing some slot machine next to some random girl. The last 8 minutes are at 4 in the morning on that same night when I was just about to pass out from a long night of drinking and gambling. I know it's not in the right order as far as when they were recorded, but in some drunken way it kind of makes sense. So kick back, open up a beverage (of the alcoholic kind if you're not at work) and get ready for what I think about when I'm in Las Vegas:

Right click and Save As to download a copy of The Drive to Stay Alive Ep. 23 - I Only Gamble With My Life: http://pookon.com/music/dtsa-ep23-gamble.mp3

I spent most of the day hungover laying in bed watching Boy Meets World. Hell of a way to spend a day in Las Vegas. By the time that I could stomach water and food, almost the entire day had passed. Thankfully I was in Las Vegas and there is plenty to do at night, so I took my car down to to the Strip and wandered around for a bit before settling in at the Planet Hollywood to record this episode. Here is a sampling of my Twitter account @pookondotcom from that night when I got into the usual hi-jinks that come from hanging out by yourself and drinking in a foreign city. As you can imagine, things got a little weird. They always do.

Playing Reels O'Dublin at Margaritaville. After all, it is #StPatricksDay. Might as well do something Irish. #LasVegas

The drink girls at Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville wear bikinis. Iceman likes. Mostly because I'm sad, pathetic and single. #LasVegas

I got a Landshark Lager as my "free" beer. I wish I could stay here all day. They have some great music. #Margaritaville #LasVegas

I'm starting to think that I'm unlucky. Oh really Iceman? What tipped you off? When you lost all that money? #LasVegas

It's not even fair how bad I am doing. It's like they should invent a new phrase, like "pulling an Iceman". #loser #LasVegas

My drink girl at Margaritaville had some really nice totties. If I was just a little more drunk, I would've told her. #SexyTime #LasVegas

Roamed the halls of the Flamingo looking for an ice machine. Something tells me I've been here before... #WSoBP #LasVegas

Drinking a potent mixture of rum, whiskey and mountain dew. If this thing kills me, I've led a horrifying life. #rage

Trying to find my favorite slot at Planet Hollywood. Where I can creepily ogle the dancing girls. And I can't find it. #Drunk

Either my bearings are off or they got rid of my favorite machine. I can't find it here. #sadness #LasVegas

I'm seriously upset right now. How am I supposed to creepily ogle the dancing girls now without looking weird? #LasVegas

I feel like another part of me has died. Las Vegas as I know it is no more. I don't ever want to come back here again. #sadness

I'm really upset here. I made one heck of a journey to get here only to find no prize at the finish line. #sadness #LasVegas

I feel like Forrest Gump when he's done running. "I'm pretty tired. I guess I'll go home now." #LasVegas

Don't get me wrong. I love noise. I would eat it for breakfast. But I can't stand noise just for the sake of noise. #LasVegas

Despite all the weird looks I got, I recorded a drunken podcast in #LasVegas. Just as you requested @MPW8279.

#LasVegas doesn't give a fuck that it is a Monday night and neither do I. Hell of a town. #rage

(I'm laughing at some random thing I saw, cackling like a maniac) Random: are you ok man? Me: no way. Not at all. #LasVegas

Drinking wine while watching the Bellagio Fountain show. I have to keep it classy. That's the only way to live. #LasVegas

Sang some Celine Dion at Bellagio with some beautiful girls from New Zealand. It's always good to be the Iceman. #LasVegas

After meeting those girls I definitely want my wife to be from New Zealand. What's sexier than a foreign accent? #LasVegas

Got a Corona and I'm playing Fireball. After this I can definitely call it quits. #LasVegas

Thanks for joining me on yet another adventure. I spend a lot of time alone, which is why I take to my Twitter account to invite the World (well, actually my 270 followers or whomever ends up randomly seeing my tweets because of my hashtags) to come along with me. These things that I put on there are my actual thoughts or things that I did or said. There is no lying or manipulation of the truth. Where's the fun in that? It's hilarious because it's true. I really am this strange. No wonder why I don't have anyone to hang out with on a Saturday night or a girlfriend. Is it that hard to believe? It's a gift and a curse. I can entertain the masses and draw in but at the same time I push everybody away. But that's life. That's what I experience along my drive. Thanks for riding shotgun for a bit. Remember to tip the valet.

 - pookon -

www.pookon.com
https://twitter.com/pookondotcom
https://www.facebook.com/MilwaukeeIceman

Drunken Movie Reviews - Big Ass Spider

Every now and then a movie comes out that is right up my alley. From the first moment I hear about it I know that I will love it. Most often it is because of the cast, writer or the director. Sometimes it's the subject matter. With this movie it was all in the title - Big Ass Spider. What is this movie about? It's right there, clear as day, plain as a white sheet of printer paper. This movie is about a big ass spider. How is that not the coolest thing ever? If you're shaking your head right now then you must be one of those film snobs who only see movies that have a fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes or get talked about come Awards Season. I have nothing against those films and I happen to like a lot of them. But for my money it doesn't get any better than a movie that knows exactly what it is and gets right to the point. There's no underlying subplot about a girl with Daddy issues or a man struggling to find his place in an ever changing society. There are no political subtexts and it isn't a commentary on the war on terror. It's an Exterminator and a Mexican Security Guard trying to take down a big ass spider. 

I don't even know why I'm trying to explain the damn thing. Why should I waste my time trying to convince you to watch the movie? Look, you either get it or you don't. If you are like me then you said yes right away when you saw the name Big Ass Spider. If you think that this is a stupid name for a movie and that it will probably suck then don't even bother watching it. I don't really care what you think because I had a great time with this flick. In fact, I had so much fun with it that I decided to record a drunken review of the movie. Of course this contains spoilers, so don't listen to it unless you have already seen the movie or if you don't care about some drunken asshole telling you all about it. But seriously, how can anything I say be a spoiler? You've seen this type of movie a million times - a monster is created and fucks shit up and it is up to some lowly underdog and his comedic sidekick to save the girl and save the day because the "professionals" (US Military in this case) couldn't do it. But even though I've seen this type of movie before, it didn't stop me from having one hell of a good time with it. Don't believe me? Check out my drunken review by clicking below.

Right click and Save As to download a copy of Drunken Movie Reviews - Big Ass Spider: http://pookon.com/music/dmr%20-%20big%20ass%20spider.mp3 

I really wish there were more movies like Big Ass Spider. This isn't the highest, most intelligent form of art. Far from it. This is entertainment. Isn't that what movies are supposed to be? Life is tough. Work is hard. Managing relationships and dealing with Family members causes a lot of stress. So when you want to relax, you are free to unwind in any way you see fit. I love nothing more than to pour a rum or whiskey drink, put on an action movie or comedy I've seen 100 times and forget all of the troubles around me. It's a way to escape the World without putting yourself in danger or even leaving your living room. You may love The Godfather (I've only seen it once) or Schindler's List (never seen it) or be a huge fan of Pulp Fiction (I happen to think Tarantino films are rather overrated and I've never really enjoyed any of them). But give me The Replacements (which I could watch every day) or Ghostbusters (which I've literally - no exaggeration - seen hundreds of times) and I'll never be happier. That's the beauty of art and entertainment - it's subjective. What I love isn't necessarily what you love. And I love Big Ass Spider. What do you love? Well, besides poetry, a glass of scotch and of course, your pal Baxter?

 - pookon -

www.pookon.com
http://www.facebook.com/MilwaukeeIceman
https://twitter.com/pookondotcom

June's Blanket - Merry Merry Man

I've always wanted to be in a band. I always wanted to be a rock star. Who didn't? When you were a kid you'd play air guitar along with the radio or music videos, sing into a wooden spoon or bang on a collection of pots and pans in the kitchen like you were in the middle of a showstopping drum solo. But for most of us it was a fantasy. It was something that you goofed around with and you never expected it to get serious. But some of us were pretty serious. My brother Timmy made music his life and he lived and breathed it every single day. It was rare that you didn't see him with a guitar in hand,  writing lyrics into a notebook or practicing his craft for anyone who would listen or at a local bar. He wanted to make it a career and he didn't care how. He put as much time into the music side of things (writing, performing and practicing) as he did the technical side. He had the talent but realized how hard it would be to break into the business as a solo artist or as a band so he learned all about recording and producing music as a way to get his foot in the door somehow and some way. He was on the verge of figuring it all out when he died at the age of 24. I could talk forever about how amazing he was as a musician on his own time, but the purpose of this article is what he did for other people. They could tell their story, but this is my blog. So I'm going to tell mine.

I don't know when exactly June's  Blanket was formed. I don't know why we even formed a band. We shared a love for music and enough talent to form a competent duo even if he was 75% of the talent and I filled in the other 25% to make us complete. I was mostly a singer and I picked up the harmonica so that I had something to do in between the words. We wrote several original songs but excelled at doing covers of songs that we really loved. Since Timmy and I were so close and from similar backgrounds, we could read each other and our voices were so in tune that when we harmonized, it was flawlessly beautiful. He was confident in his guitar playing (but not confident in his voice) and I was confident in my voice (but not confident in my guitar or harmonica playing). I know it sounds corny and a little weird, but we complimented each other and worked together to form a complete sound. We had something really special but we rarely shared it with others. Sure, we were a hit at family parties and at the Afterglow campfire but we never got around to realizing our full potential.

We had one real show, and that was at the St. Catherine's Auction in 2010. My Mom asked us to provide the music for this church event and everyone we knew was pretty much there. She thought that we were going to hook up a CD player and some speakers and pick out a playlist but we decided to surprise her and everyone there. The theme of the night was Magic and we put together a set list of songs about or containing the word magic in some form or variation. Some of the songs that we learned were "Abracadabra" by the Steve Miller Band, "This Magic Moment" by Jay and the Americans, "Magic Carpet Ride" by Steppenwolf and "Magic Dance" by David Bowie (my personal favorite because it's from the movie Labyrinth. We practiced for several days and I was pretty nervous to get up in front of crowd that wasn't family and sing. I've been singing in choirs and for fun for most of my life, but I'm not a natural performer despite my easy going attitude and personality. So I was really nervous to go up there and be the center of attention. And you know what made me feel better? Well, besides the booze - it was Timmy. He was so amazing at adapting to other people's styles and making them sound better. When I would go too fast or sing out of key, Timmy would speed up, slow down or even change keys with me to make sure that I didn't sound out of place. He had no problem taking a back seat and allowing me to get all of the credit, even if I didn't truly deserve it. He made sound like a real musician. He made me a rock star. Don't believe me? Click the play button below to hear us play "Magic Dance" by David Bowie. 

Learn how to get your music noticed at ReverbNation.com

That's all wonderful, but the real reason I am writing here is to show you a little video of sorts that I put together for the last song that we recorded called "Merry Merry Man". This was recorded in March of 2011, a mere month or so before Timmy would leave us. Had I known this was the last work of art that we would create, I might have done something better to ensure that it was a masterpiece. But instead we created this song that is very reminiscent of "Master of the House" from the play/musical Les Misérables. I'd apologize for plagiarizing such a notable work of art, but what we came up with was pure genius. Sorry for the bad audio quality, but I recorded this on my phone. It's better than nothing, for if I didn't record it on my phone, I wouldn't have a record of one of the last times that Timmy and I pretended to be a real band. But what I didn't know at the time is that we were a real band. Who says that you need to be famous or put out albums to be considered legit?

Some time later I took the song and I set it to some pictures of some of our best times together and other moments that fit in with the lyrics that we put together. I must point out that Timmy sat down at the piano at Mom's house and just started playing this song and I just came up with some lyrics off the top of my head. After I started singing the song Timmy just continued it and we rolled with it. And so I was a Merry Man. And Timmy was a Merry Man. And we like to drink and drink and drink all day.

June's Blanket was a big part of my life. If I'm fortunate enough to get all old and gray, I will look back upon those times with Timmy as some of the best days of my life. I have no doubt that I will make plenty of new memories over the years and I may even be lucky enough to have a wife and kids to form a family of my own. Life may be good again someday and I might be able to get to a place where I am happy. But I will miss Timmy. Always. And I will miss all of the good times that we had. I will miss being in a band and entertaining the crowd. I will miss his laugh and how he made me a better person. It's been 3 years since I last saw him and life hasn't gotten any easier. I doubt that it ever will. But I just want you to know that I wasn't always so sad, depressed and cynical. I used to be in a band. I used to be a rock star. And there was this kid named Timmy who made it all happen. He was the real rock star. He was the heart and soul of this band. He was the glue who held it all together. And now I'm just a solo act trying to make it on my own but I'm failing to adjust to life on the long and lonesome road. It's a tough life out there but I must keep trying. I'm just doing it for me. I'm doing it for Timmy. Because of that June's Blanket must live on. If it all ends now, then what was the point of all of it?

 - pookon -

www.pookon.com
https://twitter.com/pookondotcom
https://www.facebook.com/MilwaukeeIceman

Oh What A Lovely Tea Party

I'm no stranger to the sauce (alcohol). I like to partake in it quite often and sometimes I go a little overboard. It's probably not good for me and it is certainly one of the reasons why I'm sad and alone. But it has led to some great times and hilarious results. The following text was on a Wednesday night in January 2014. I have this speech-to-text function on my phone and I talked to it when I was drunk. The results below are a combination of me drunkenly slurring my words and the voice recognition software having a difficult time translating it. This leads to a whole lot of random because it's hard for me to tell if I came up with this nonsense or if the A.I. just decided that's what I said. Who knows? All that I know is that I was a little drunk and I just talked until I didn't feel like talking anymore. The best thing about computers that record your thoughts are that they are always there to listen. That's more than I can say about most people in my life. Not many people can put up with this kind of crazy. In case you ever had a question about why I'm still single, the following couple of paragraphs should answer that question. So this is me, drunk on a random Wednesday:

To make things even more ridiculous, I put this into a text to speech generator so that you can listen to a computerized voice try and make sense out of my drunken rambling:



I'm watching The Little Mermaid again, so that pretty much tells you her where this night is. It all started with the rum and the tea lemonade. When life gives you lemons, you just say f*** the lemons and bail. When life gives you lemons TV, you just throw some rum minutes and rage. And then you pretty much just got to be free to go with what happens next. Close your eyes and jump off a cliff and not be scared about what's going to happen man. I should be here every night. But I'm scared man. Too scared to do all the things I should have done instead of what I actually did tonight. Hahahaha. I realize now that I'm making too much sense. Perhaps the ROM is wearing off. All the reason to start drinking again.

Priceline, its 2:30 in the morning. The Hells wrong with you Christian mark? How much time do you have. I wish in mermaid fall in love with me. Hello, I just wish anyone would fall in love with me. Maybe even dudes. It's gotten to that point. Instead of doing something with my life I've become pretty much shut in. Although tonight I really didn't have any other choice. My car battery decided that, "hey man - I don't need a job. I'm not working here anymore. You could just take your your energy in your power and you can just f*** off. I quit." A****** car battery. Things you can just like screw with me then. Well I'll show my finger to tomorrow when I drowned in the river. I'll type concrete block around him. Hellsing to the bottom faster than Lightning McQueen.

Lemonade tea in Rome is the best combo. In Rome? I've never been in Rome. I meant in Rome. No. En Roma you stupid voice thing. How many times do I have to say rum before you get it right? Finally. Jesus. I'm the one who's been drinking. Like I said its not the best combo. That was sweet ass and some big ol titties. Now thats a nice combo. Its like those pretzels with cheese in the middle - they just go together. Is there something wrong with me? Like seriously wrong with me? I mean, like is there some kind of scale where you can compare me against other people that are wrong? I'd like to know just for curiosity sake. I'd like to see where I rank. Like serial killers are red. Really weird. And then like circus clowns are different kind of weird. Method actors are kinda weird as well and so R children's nurseries to grow up. Where do I fit in? Probably somewhere in the middle - Malcolm style. I'm probably not as strange as I think I I am Sam I am. But oh what a lovely tea party.

I think I'm going to change my life so that it revolves more around T. Why is it that the English you're the only one who can have to time? The roots want to cook its two tone hello you. What you stupid sore darling have a spot of tea. And some scripts to. Why should the English have a backyard Christian mark? I want to too. I want to you too James Cameron style. Doesn't understand see you too. I'm going to keep saying to you too and to a concert right TF 2. Cheese too. Tease too. T 2. That was the closest I ever got and it still didn't get to you too right.

I'm trying to say TV like to drink, like the hot beverage that you would drink with your friends. Does it have to be a hopper fridge cuz the T on drinking is cold? What about Mr T, does he drink cold beverages? I hope so. He needs stay hydrated if he's going to punch some fools in their mouths. I pity the fool who gets punched in the mouth by Mr T. Does Mr T and misses TV make that bloody mary Mac's I like? I hope so because I pity the fool who doesn't like my Bloody Mary Mix. Its spicy fool. I'm at the part or Ariel becomes human. That's good for me because then I actually got a shot with her. Nevermind she's a cartoon I'm real life. It worked in Cool World and Roger Rabbit so I could work with me too. I don't even know how to respond to that and I'm the one who said it. Who has problems now?

I'm never going to get the Little Mermaid to fall in love with me. Let's not even start talked about the fact that she is a cartoon anime realize. Let's not even talk about the fact that she is a fish ish and I'm a human. That's not a part of this conversation. The real problem is that until I start to figure out what's important in my life and get rid of all the bullshit that surrounds me, I'm never going to let anybody fall in love with me. Not a mermaid, not a cartoon, not a single mother with daddy issues and definitely not a single available woman. So I'm basically screwed. It's a good thing I'm used to the single life because I'm going to be dealing with it for the rest of mine. Lisa give away free cats with you mean Siri. Free so did what cut? What does Siri have to do with this? I was talking about cats and free cats at that at the Humane Society. As long as they're still free I can get a new one everytime my old one unfortunately dies. So in essence I never really be alone. So I got that going for me.

Dealing with colored caulk (Do you think Macaulay Culkin) ever recovered from being left home alone? I mean is f****** parents went to France and left a min apparently situation where's some bumbling criminals and nearly killed him and took all of their possessions. I'm not even talking about the scary furnace or the old man who supposedly killed people and ground them up with salt to spread on the sidewalks. That's a lot for any kid to deal with any probably needed years of therapy. And then to make matters worse, the next year or two later they went to Florida and most his little bitch ass at the airport and pre 9/11 security oh wow him to get on a flight to New York. How does that happen? The Lucia just get so fly by himself nn ones up and just strange city and not only that but it's the biggest city in the whole entire world quest! So he goes and he holds up at the Plaza Hotel for a while and then decide to sit ups in the traps at his uncles place is getting renovated. And Daniel Stern Joe Pesci, the two dumbest criminals of all time, ended up getting spoiled by the soul but I start again. I know they're not the best but they're still adults. They shouldn't get to see did buy some punk ass little kid. Even if this kid knows what the hell he's doing. So what's the code (Macaulay Culkin) up to these days? F*** if I know. He was Richie Rich and then he was in some other flicks and then he hung out with Michael Jackson and got touched and then just kind of got old and got weird. For all I know is sitting in some bunker somewhere like Howard Hughes counting all of his money and staying away from germs. What a f****** weirdo. But I'm sure he gets more pussy than I do. Is that a bunch of bullshit? He can get like a wife for something and I can't. Just goes to show you that all girls just dig money. Especially if you're weird like Macaulay and like me. So am I just home alone. Apparently. Story of my life.

So this is me whether you like it or not. I'm not ashamed of who I am or else I wouldn't put all of this out there for everyone to see. What's the point in trying to be someone that you aren't? If people don't like you for who you are, then screw them. There's plenty of people in this World and chances are I will find someone who has the capacity to deal with all of this nonsense. Of course I will have to tone it down a little bit and unleash the beast in small increments. You never go full Makena and show them the entire package right away. That scares the ladies away. Of course my face and my size already does that before I'm able to show them the Makena. What is the Makena? Wouldn't you like to know. But I can't give you access to that information at the moment. Only the special ones get to see what lurks underneath the surface. But I haven't met her yet. I'm starting to think that I never will. I've never been lucky in love. I've never even been unlucky in love. Who knows really. I've been in love many times but no one has loved me back. Who is to blame? Me of course! You just read or listened to all of the goofy stuff that I came up with when I was drunk. If you were a single, available female looking for a male partner, would you introduce that to your friends and family or allow that to be the Father of your children? Of course not. So here I am. I make myself laugh. But I'm the only one laughing.

 - pookon -

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25 Brewers in 25 Days - 2014 - The Starting Rotation

I'll apologize right off the bat (hey! that's a baseball reference!) for all of my randomness, explicit language, desperate attempts at pleading for Sage to be my wife, obscure references or sexual innuendos that I make during this article. I am currently drinking rum and Sierra Mist out of a flower vase and when I do that it rarely leads to good results. So don't say that I didn't warn you. This is the final article for my Milwaukee Brewers 2014 series of 25 Brewers in 25 Days. Although in hindsight it should have been the first one. And in hindsight I should have laid off the snacks and made best friends with the local gym so I wouldn't still be single at age 32 with my Mother as my best friend. But as they say, hindsight is 20/20. But to be quite honest with you, I don't have a fucking clue what that means. I do understand 7&7s, 24/7, 25 or 6 to 4, working 9 to 5, why 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 8 9, and 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 twel-el-el-el-el-elve! from the Sesame Street pinball game.

That was a fun trip down memory lane now, wasn't it? At least if you are as old as I am. But if you're a small child reading this, first off, congratulations on being able to read at such a young age, and secondly, what are you doing on the Internet unsupervised? You shouldn't be reading this shit! Parents these days. God damn it. Look after your kids before they endure a childhood full of missed naps, lack of discipline and morals, daddy issues, stunted mental growth and disrespect for their elders leading to a life of crime where they grow up and rob me someday. Fucking kids these days.

I better get back on topic before I turn too many people off. Because what I'm really trying to do is turn people on. Sexually. The 2014 Milwaukee Brewers Starting Rotation is going to be something special to watch, kind of like the group they put together in 2011 (Yovani Gallardo, Zack Greinke, Shaun Marcum, Randy Wolf, Chris Narveson and Marco Estrada) that won 96 games, the NL Central, the NLDS and made it to the NLCS. I will argue that talent wise, the 2014 Starting Rotation is better than that group. Much like I did with the bullpen, I'm going to give you a brief preview of the pitchers, but this time with no mention of Sage's underpants, although I would gladly talk about that topic in length all day, every day until I am granted the opportunity to see them for myself. Maybe if I get cancer I can Make a Wish to see those panties with my own eyes so that I can die happy. Wow that's messed up. Who wishes for cancer to see some random girl's underwear? I have reached an all-time low pal. There's no way I can be this pathetic, right? Does this girl really mean that much to me? You're god damn right she does. To quote Bryan Adams, "You can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for. I can't help it, there's nothin' I want more. Yeah, I would fight for you, I'd lie for you. Walk the wire for you, yeah, I'd die for you. You know it's true. Everything I do, oh, I do it for you." Maybe that's what I can do to charm the panties off of her - I can sing her some Bryan Adams. That's worked before right? What girl hasn't gotten moist when a guy sings to them, "And baby you're all that I want when you're lyin' here in my arms. I'm findin' it hard to believe we're in heaven. And love is all that I need and I found it there in your heart. It isn't too hard to see we're in heaven." I can't lose.

As promised, here is your 2014 Milwaukee Brewers Starting Rotation:

• Yovani Gallardo: he has been in the Major Leagues with the Brewers, the only organization he's ever known, since 2007 (although he did miss most of 2008 due to a torn ACL). If the Brewers don't pick up his option for 2015, he will be a free agent at the end of this season. There's been a long-winded debate if he is a #1 starter, but you can't argue he's the best pitcher the Brewers farm system has produced that is not named Ben Sheets. I'm hoping he performs even above my expectations in what could be a contract year.
• Kyle Lohse: When the Brewers signed Lohse prior to the 2013 season, many people got worried. Oh no! Not another former St. Louis Cardinals pitcher! Thoughts of Jeff Supan and Braden Looper made everyone uneasy, but Lohse was as good as advertised. If given more run support, he would have had more than 11 wins last year. His 3.35 ERA over 32 starts (198 innings) backs that up. But what no one talks about is his veteran presence in the clubhouse and how much he has helped younger pitchers like Tyler Thornburg (age 25) and Wily Peralta (age 24) as well as all of the players who made their Major League debut last season. You can't attach a stat to that value.
• Matt Garza: Milwaukee's most expensive free agent signing in team history has a 4 year deal worth $50 million + when you factor in options and incentives. It's a big deal. People might scoff at the fact that career wise, he's only a .500 pitcher (67-67 with a 3.82 ERA) but a win/loss record is not indicative of talent. Garza makes the Brewers a whole heck of a lot better and it just might be the move that puts them over the top... if he stays healthy. Garza has had some injuries in the past and it is a big concern, but then again, doesn't every player have some kind of issue? I prefer to think positively, so I'm expecting a big year from Garza.
• Marco Estrada: I've never given Estrada enough credit. I think he's no better than a long-man in the bullpen or an average starter on a bad team. But in actuality, he was one of the best road pitchers in all of baseball last year (5-2 record with a 2.09 ERA over 77 innings in 12 starts) and is a strikeout machine. He doesn't fuck around with "nibbling" or "painting the corners" and other things that drive up pitch counts. But what he does is give up home runs, which does not help him out at Miller Park. Since he is only good in half of his starts, if it pleases the court your Honor, I move to strike this evidence from the record. May I approach the bench? That's when the Defendant yells out, "Objection Your Honor! He's badgering the witness!" Then I get held in contempt of court, and just like that, my legal career is over. Fuck you Marco Estrada and your legal council.
• Wily Peralta: he's the biggest key that opens the giant ass lock that will allow us to go into the gates of the playoffs. Cryptic enough for you? Alright, I'll be more clear. Our season is riding on Peralta's shoulders. Is it fair to put that kind of pressure on a player in his 2nd year? Probably not. But if he's awful, we have an average Starting Rotation. But if he is great, we have an amazing Starting Rotation. How does one player tip the scales that much? I don't really know and I doubt I can fully explain it. But I have a feeling and for the first time it isn't in my pants when someone mentions Sage. This one I feel in my heart. It makes no logical sense at all. But mark my words - as Wily Peralta goes, so do the Brewers. Funny, it used to be as Rickie (Weeks) goes, so do the Brewers. How times have changed, eh?

Check out my final video, which covers the Starting Rotation for the 2014 Milwaukee Brewers, recorded outside of Miller Park in Milwaukee, WI on the day I returned from Phoenix, AZ:

 

I'll be blunt when I say that I was a little pissed off while recording this video (it was really cold and windy so I recorded the audio on my phone, learning from my mistake at The London Bridge). I love Wisconsin will all of my heart and I will probably stay here for the rest of my life, but the Winter really sucks. I hate the snow and the cold, and coming back here was a real slap in the face. Especially after spending 6 days in Arizona and Las Vegas were it was sunny and in the high 70s or low 80s every single day. Why do people live in cold weather climates? I blame my parents, although I could have left at any given moment in my adult life. But I'm still here. This video should have been first because starting pitching sets the tone for the game and will be the #1 reason why the Brewers succeed or fail this year. But it was filmed last, so deal with it pal.

Yovani Gallardo #49 - 15-9 record, 3.44 ERA, 188 innings pitched, 32 starts, 174 strikeouts, able to put last year's on and off the field troubles behind him and reclaim his throne as the leader of this pitching staff for this year (and hopefully many years to come when they resign him).

Kyle Lohse #26 - 13-7 record, 3.29 ERA, 202 innings pitched, 32 starts, 130 strikeouts and the slow but steady force that keeps this pitching rotation (and this clubhouse) chugging along like Casey Jr.

Matt Garza #22 - 12-9 record, 3.75 ERA, 160 innings pitched, 25 starts, 141 strikeouts and decent bill of health thanks to an apple a day which kept the Doctor away.

Marco Estrada #41 - 9-11 record, 4.18 ERA, 145 innings pitched, 25 starts, 141 strikeouts and never, ever ever, ever ever ever going to get any respect from me, Rodney Dangerfield-style.

Wily Peralta #38 - 13-11, 3.65 ERA, 32 starts, 189 innings pitched, 140 strikeouts and one small step for Wily Peralta, one giant leap for Milwaukee Brewers Starting Pitching.

And there she is. I'll only talk about Sage one more time in this year's 25 Brewers in 25 Days feature. Of course that's only because this is the last article. Don't worry friends (or worry because you fear for my mental health because of my obsession with her) I will still figure out a way to bring her up throughout the remainder of the Brewers season and for the rest of my life. The picture on the left was taken down in Arizona but sadly I wasn't the photographer. My friend Elliot sent me this picture when I was down in Phoenix to let me know that she was there. I told him that if I saw her, I was going to ask her to be my wife. I told him that he would be invited to the wedding and that if he played his cards right, I might even make him my best man. And you know what the best man gets to do, right? He asked what. I told him, "Give a speech you sick bastard. She's my wife!" I love putting words in someone else's mouth or coming up with a sick idea and blaming the other person for doing it. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but my favorite example of it is in Groundhog Day. When Phil Connors (Bill Murray) steals the groundhog and is driving away in the car, Larry (Chris Elliott) and Rita (Andie MacDowell) are following in the news van. Rita asks, "Why would anybody steal a groundhog?" Larry responds with, "I can probably think of a couple of reasons. Pervert." But since Larry is the one who came up with the sick ideas, isn't he the pervert? But he puts the blame on Phil for some of the things that Phil would do with the groundhog that stemmed from his imagination. I love it.

And so that's the end of this year's 25 Brewers in 25 Days. I kind of crammed it all into 16 days and my previews were still happening even as the regular season started. I don't intend to do things this way but some of the best things in my life have been unplanned, like my future children. I'm not perfect and neither are the Brewers, but they will need to play that way if they want to make the playoffs this year. They have better pitching depth than in years' past, but they can't sustain major injuries to their top players. What team can? I'll happily sustain a major injury so that Sage would come visit me in the hospital as long as I don't have to lose a limb. You know how people how people say "I'd give my right arm to spend a night with Sage, no questions asked." Wait, people don't say that? I'm the only one? But as much as I love Sage, I don't think I would give up my right arm. As a writer and a guitar player, I would be seriously altered for life without that appendage. So how about a leg? If I lost a leg I would either be on crutches or in wheelchair for life. People who are crippled have to work twice as hard as the normies do. I'm not looking for extra work. I don't even do a whole lot of work as it is. So let's throw that one out of the window. I already mentioned the Cancer thing in previous articles. but I don't want to once again make a joke out of a serious issue. So I can't lose a limb or get a life threatening disease. So how I am supposed to get Sage to feel sorry for me to get close enough to realize how amazing I am and then fall madly in love with me? Good old fashioned charm. And a whole lot of luck.

Skill is one thing. So is talent. Putting in the hard work and effort will get you a long way. But you also need luck; for things to go your way. I didn't even mention Hank the Dog in any of these articles. I won't get into length about it, but the Brewers found a stray dog that wandered into Maryvale Ballpark in Phoenix and they started taking care of him. It became a huge story and people are in love with the little rascal. Now they may have taken it too far with the merchandise and public appearances, but they have said they are donating some of the proceeds to both the Wisconsin and Arizona Humane Societies. As someone who has adopted two cats from the Humane Society, I can totally get behind that. We should always help out those less fortunate than ourselves, even if they are animals. So the Brewers did something really good. I'm a firm believer in Karma (and not just the drink girl at La Bayou in Las Vegas from a few years ago) and that this good deed could earn them some serious good fortune in the future. 

So the Brewers have the tools and they have the talent. They may have the luck. Will it lead to the playoffs? Will I ever get to meet Sage? Will she realize that I am her destiny? Will I wake up and register for an Internet dating site such as Match.com so I will focus my attention on a girl that is more in my league? Will California ever separate from the United States? Not legally, but in terms of land mass? Because like by the year of 20-something they are supposed to do something. Will X ever truly mark the spot? Will Rickie Weeks be able to bat his weight? Can Matt Garza avoid the DL? Will Ryan Braun's thumb injury prevent him from being Ryan Braun? Will the Starting Rotation be as good as I think they can be? Will Carlos Gomez, Jean Segura, Khris Davis and Scooter Gennett be able to replicate their amazing performances from last season? Will Wily Peralta take the next step forward? Will Marco Estrada keep the ball in the park, the spice in his marriage and the spark in the bedroom? Will this article ever end? Here's hoping we get some of those answers during the 2014 Milwaukee Brewers season. But even if we don't, at least it's going to be one hell of a ride.

 - pookon -

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25 Brewers in 25 Days - 2014 - The Bullpen

I dare you to try and name every member of the Bullpen in a given year. It's impossible, even for the most Rain Man-like person who can spout out random facts. (Did Rain Man do that? I haven't seen that movie in like 10 years. I only remember bits and pieces of it so excuse me if the reference isn't correct. Look, if you're going to call me out on some shit like that than I've led a pretty good life. I've done far worse and made some more egregious mistakes that I haven't been called out for. Why should this be any different? Lay off me pal, OK? I'm working really hard for free here man and I've got all these suits from corporate breathing down my neck and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I'm under a lot of pressure to meet some pretty ridiculous deadlines and my department is understaffed. We're doing the best we can. Is this little departure still within the parenthesis? Wow. Hard to believe that I was able to keep it going this long. Usually I quit long before this and abandon such a noteworthy quest. I guess I have changed a lot since I transitioned into my 30's. Sometimes I sit back and wonder if the Scott in his 20's would have been able to take on such a gargantuan task. He was sharper, right? He went to college. He knew how to cram for an exam and spent some time in the Library on a school night. But I have bested him in a duel to the death. He is no more. I am the Supreme Champion!) What just happened there? Weren't we talking about the 2014 Milwaukee Brewers Bullpen? I'm so confused.

Here are the 7 men (and Sage for no reason other than I think she's a Goddess) that will comprise the relief corps also known as the Bullpen: Wei-Chung Wang, Tyler Thornburg, Will Smith, Zach Duke, Brandon Kintzler, Francisco "KRod" Rodriguez and Jim Henderson. You should recognize some of those names while a few of them should be new to you. That's OK. The Bullpen has a high turnover rate during the season and from year to year because guys come and go from team to team, from the Minors to the Majors and from Bartending (John Axford) or a Garbage Man (Joe Winkelsas) to Major League Pitcher. I can guarantee you that the 7 names I've just given you will not be the same 7 names that are on this team at the end of the year. That's just how the game goes. But these 7 players carry so much weight on their shoulders and aren't given the leeway to allow any runs. If a Starting Pitcher gives up 3 runs over 6 innings it's considered a quality start. If a reliever gives up 1 run in an inning it's considered a failure. That hardly seems fair but there are pretty high standards for relief pitchers. With the exception of the Closer, you don't even notice them unless they completely explode/implode.  

Here is a little something about each of these Relief Pitchers. I'll try to keep it brief (although I prefer boxer-briefs. But what about Sage? I find myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I started thinking well maybe they're silk panties, maybe it's a thong. Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about. You know, and uh, and I started feeling... what? What, I thought we were in the trust tree, in the nest, are we not? I don't know where I was going with that...) Look, I don't have the time to write and you don't have the attention span to read in detail about all of them. So here it goes:

• Wei-Chung Wang: Acquired from the Pittsburgh Pirates in the Rule 5 draft. This 21-year-old pitcher from Taiwan has never pitched above the single-A level, so his jump to the Majors is a HUGE leap. But he really impressed in Spring Training and if he isn't kept on the Major League roster for the entire year, he has to be returned to Pittsburgh. The Brewers would love to keep this kid.
• Tyler Thornburg: Steve "Sparky" Fifer and Tim "The Franchise" Allen of the Sportsradio 1250 Brewers Postgame show have coined the term "Tyler Thornburging" a young pitcher for when they move a promising prospect between the Majors and the Minors and from the Starting Rotation to the Bullpen. Pick one and stay with it. He was outstanding as a Starter in 2013 (2-1 record with a 1.47 ERA in 7 starts) but will be in the Bullpen for 2014. He should be a Starter. If there's no room for him in the Starting 5, he should be in AAA.
• Will Smith: Not to be confused with the Actor/Rapper of the same name who starred in Men and Black, Independence Day and The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. This one is white and a baseball player. He was acquired in the trade with Kansas City for Norichika Aoki. He's young (24) and he could eventually be a Starter, but for now his devastating slider will keep him in the big league bullpen.
• Zach Duke: You might remember Duke from the mid-2000s Pittsburgh Pirates. He was a part of the pitching staff (along with Ian Snell, Paul Maholm and current teammate Tom Gorzelanny) that was supposed to break the losing streak (the team had not finished above .500 since 1992, a streak that reached 20 years and would not be broken until 2013). He has found new life as a relief pitcher.
• Brandon Kintzler: Was the primary set-up man in 2013 and had a breakout season (3-3 with a 2.69 ERA in 71 games) and was a real nice comeback story because of injuries and coming from the Independent League.
• Francisco "KRod" Rodriguez: HE'S BACK!! For his 4th go-round with the Brewers. With the exception of 2012, he's been really really damn good and will serve as a back-up plan in case Jim Henderson falters as the Closer.
• Jim Henderson: Now that the Mustachioed Wonder (John Axford) is gone, the Bearded Wonder can now take his place as the Brewers Closer. It's his job until he's dead or we find someone better (that's a Starship Troopers reference for you non-movie nerds).

Check out my 10th video, which covers The Bullpen for the 2014 Milwaukee Brewers, recorded by The London Bridge in Lake Havasu City, AZ. I apologize if you can't hear me at times. It was really windy and I didn't think about how that would affect the audio. I mean c'mon! I was at THE London Bridge! I couldn't concern myself with petty things like audible audio:

I was in Phoenix from Wednesday 3/12 - Saturday 3/15. Then I drove to Las Vegas and was there from Sunday 3/16 to Monday 3/17. On Tuesday 3/18 I was due to fly back home to Wisconsin, but my flight didn't leave until 11:35pm. It was only a 5 hour drive from Vegas to Phoenix, so I decided to stop by Lake Havasu City to try out the beer at Barley Brothers Brewery and to see the London Bridge. It was built in 1831 and spanned the River Thames in London, England until it was dismantled in 1967. Robert McCulloch, the founder of Lake Havasu City, bought the bridge and had the bricks numbered, shipped to his new town and reassembled (completed in 1971) so that it could serve as a tourist attraction. And it worked, as evident by the fact that I went out of my way to stop and see it.

It is incredibly hard to predict stats for bullpen pitchers. My stat predictions are based on a full Major League season, which means there's a whole lot of leeway. You don't know if they will be on the roster for the entire year (Wang), sent down to the Minors (Smith, Thornburg), released (Duke), traded (KRod) or removed from the Closer role (Henderson). And I didn't even mention injuries or the possibility of one or more of them (Thornburg, Duke or Smith) starting games because the Rotation suffered cataclysmic injuries. All of those factors will determine their stats on the year. I do my best, but this is the area where I make the worst predictions. So take everything here with a grain of salt.

Wei-Chung Wang #51 - 2-4 record, 3.75 ERA, 45 innings pitched, 40 srtikeouts, made in Taiwan and kept on the Major League roster for the entire year, allowing the Brewers to keep him long-term.

Tyler Thornburg #30 - 4-4 record, 3.84 ERA, 110 innings pitched, 7 starts, 78 strikeouts and once again Tyler Thornburg'd between the bullpen, starting rotation and AAA Nashville.

Will Smith #13 - 2-3 record, 3.04 ERA, 41 innings pitched, 50 strikeouts and not able to escape Miami or the Wild Wild West by Gettin Jiggy wit It in the Summertime because Parents Just Don't Understand and Girls Ain't Nothing but Trouble. But seriously. He's not that Will Smith.

Zach Duke #59 - 1-4 record, 4.65 ERA, 55 innings pitched, 24 strikeouts and the first one cut or sent down to the minors to make room for Tom Gorzelanny. So why did I even bother prorating his stats out to a full season? Because I don't have a girlfriend. That's why.

Brandon Kintzler #53 - 3-1 record, 3.11 ERA, 68 innings pitched, 47 strikeouts, 25 holds and a champion of the movement to make Holds an officially recognized stat by Major League Baseball.

Francisco "KRod" Rodriguez #57 - 2-3 record, 2.85 ERA, 64 innings pitched, 69 strikeouts, 13 for 15 in Save Opportunities and welcomed back for a 5th time despite the possibility of being traded mid-season yet again. So business as usual. Some things never change.

Jim Henderson #29 - 3-3 record, 3.48 ERA, 58 innings pitched, 67 strikeouts, 20 for 24 in save opportunities and the pride of the entire Canadian Nation despite having to share closer duties with KRod. They're just proud one of their native sons is playing in the big leagues. The Canadians have low standards. Does that make me Canadian?

What's better than one Sage? Two Sages of course! Right now I'm faced with a conundrum. If faced with two Sages, would I just try to tackle them by myself? Have the good kind of Threesome (as opposed to the Devil's Threesome)? Or would I clone myself so that each one of me could enjoy each one of her? It's a tough choice. One should not engage in too much excess, so keeping both to myself would be selfish. If I cloned myself then I could share the wealth. And we all know that sharing is caring. Sage should be treated with the kindest, most gentile care because she is an Angel. I would treat Sage #1 with love and respect. Who could I count on to take care of Sage #2? My clone of course! Who better to trust than yourself? Plus it would really freak everyone out if Scott #1 and Sage #1 went out on a double date with Scott #2 and Sage #2. But heaven forbid Scott #1 gets drunk and confused and puts the moves on Sage #2 and pisses off Scott #2 who tries to get even with Scott #1 by sleeping with Sage #1. What a brawl that would be. Scott #1 vs. Scott #2 in an epic battle to the death where the winner gets Sage #1 and Sage #2. Or Scott #1 and Scott #2 could just shake hands and realize that we're prone to make mistakes, especially when we're drunk. The main thing is that two Scotts are better than one Scott and two Sages are definitely better than one Sage. Am I right or am I right?

- pookon -

www.pookon.com
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