25 Brewers in 25 Days - 2014 - The Starting Rotation

I'll apologize right off the bat (hey! that's a baseball reference!) for all of my randomness, explicit language, desperate attempts at pleading for Sage to be my wife, obscure references or sexual innuendos that I make during this article. I am currently drinking rum and Sierra Mist out of a flower vase and when I do that it rarely leads to good results. So don't say that I didn't warn you. This is the final article for my Milwaukee Brewers 2014 series of 25 Brewers in 25 Days. Although in hindsight it should have been the first one. And in hindsight I should have laid off the snacks and made best friends with the local gym so I wouldn't still be single at age 32 with my Mother as my best friend. But as they say, hindsight is 20/20. But to be quite honest with you, I don't have a fucking clue what that means. I do understand 7&7s, 24/7, 25 or 6 to 4, working 9 to 5, why 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 8 9, and 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 twel-el-el-el-el-elve! from the Sesame Street pinball game.

That was a fun trip down memory lane now, wasn't it? At least if you are as old as I am. But if you're a small child reading this, first off, congratulations on being able to read at such a young age, and secondly, what are you doing on the Internet unsupervised? You shouldn't be reading this shit! Parents these days. God damn it. Look after your kids before they endure a childhood full of missed naps, lack of discipline and morals, daddy issues, stunted mental growth and disrespect for their elders leading to a life of crime where they grow up and rob me someday. Fucking kids these days.

I better get back on topic before I turn too many people off. Because what I'm really trying to do is turn people on. Sexually. The 2014 Milwaukee Brewers Starting Rotation is going to be something special to watch, kind of like the group they put together in 2011 (Yovani Gallardo, Zack Greinke, Shaun Marcum, Randy Wolf, Chris Narveson and Marco Estrada) that won 96 games, the NL Central, the NLDS and made it to the NLCS. I will argue that talent wise, the 2014 Starting Rotation is better than that group. Much like I did with the bullpen, I'm going to give you a brief preview of the pitchers, but this time with no mention of Sage's underpants, although I would gladly talk about that topic in length all day, every day until I am granted the opportunity to see them for myself. Maybe if I get cancer I can Make a Wish to see those panties with my own eyes so that I can die happy. Wow that's messed up. Who wishes for cancer to see some random girl's underwear? I have reached an all-time low pal. There's no way I can be this pathetic, right? Does this girl really mean that much to me? You're god damn right she does. To quote Bryan Adams, "You can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for. I can't help it, there's nothin' I want more. Yeah, I would fight for you, I'd lie for you. Walk the wire for you, yeah, I'd die for you. You know it's true. Everything I do, oh, I do it for you." Maybe that's what I can do to charm the panties off of her - I can sing her some Bryan Adams. That's worked before right? What girl hasn't gotten moist when a guy sings to them, "And baby you're all that I want when you're lyin' here in my arms. I'm findin' it hard to believe we're in heaven. And love is all that I need and I found it there in your heart. It isn't too hard to see we're in heaven." I can't lose.

As promised, here is your 2014 Milwaukee Brewers Starting Rotation:

• Yovani Gallardo: he has been in the Major Leagues with the Brewers, the only organization he's ever known, since 2007 (although he did miss most of 2008 due to a torn ACL). If the Brewers don't pick up his option for 2015, he will be a free agent at the end of this season. There's been a long-winded debate if he is a #1 starter, but you can't argue he's the best pitcher the Brewers farm system has produced that is not named Ben Sheets. I'm hoping he performs even above my expectations in what could be a contract year.
• Kyle Lohse: When the Brewers signed Lohse prior to the 2013 season, many people got worried. Oh no! Not another former St. Louis Cardinals pitcher! Thoughts of Jeff Supan and Braden Looper made everyone uneasy, but Lohse was as good as advertised. If given more run support, he would have had more than 11 wins last year. His 3.35 ERA over 32 starts (198 innings) backs that up. But what no one talks about is his veteran presence in the clubhouse and how much he has helped younger pitchers like Tyler Thornburg (age 25) and Wily Peralta (age 24) as well as all of the players who made their Major League debut last season. You can't attach a stat to that value.
• Matt Garza: Milwaukee's most expensive free agent signing in team history has a 4 year deal worth $50 million + when you factor in options and incentives. It's a big deal. People might scoff at the fact that career wise, he's only a .500 pitcher (67-67 with a 3.82 ERA) but a win/loss record is not indicative of talent. Garza makes the Brewers a whole heck of a lot better and it just might be the move that puts them over the top... if he stays healthy. Garza has had some injuries in the past and it is a big concern, but then again, doesn't every player have some kind of issue? I prefer to think positively, so I'm expecting a big year from Garza.
• Marco Estrada: I've never given Estrada enough credit. I think he's no better than a long-man in the bullpen or an average starter on a bad team. But in actuality, he was one of the best road pitchers in all of baseball last year (5-2 record with a 2.09 ERA over 77 innings in 12 starts) and is a strikeout machine. He doesn't fuck around with "nibbling" or "painting the corners" and other things that drive up pitch counts. But what he does is give up home runs, which does not help him out at Miller Park. Since he is only good in half of his starts, if it pleases the court your Honor, I move to strike this evidence from the record. May I approach the bench? That's when the Defendant yells out, "Objection Your Honor! He's badgering the witness!" Then I get held in contempt of court, and just like that, my legal career is over. Fuck you Marco Estrada and your legal council.
• Wily Peralta: he's the biggest key that opens the giant ass lock that will allow us to go into the gates of the playoffs. Cryptic enough for you? Alright, I'll be more clear. Our season is riding on Peralta's shoulders. Is it fair to put that kind of pressure on a player in his 2nd year? Probably not. But if he's awful, we have an average Starting Rotation. But if he is great, we have an amazing Starting Rotation. How does one player tip the scales that much? I don't really know and I doubt I can fully explain it. But I have a feeling and for the first time it isn't in my pants when someone mentions Sage. This one I feel in my heart. It makes no logical sense at all. But mark my words - as Wily Peralta goes, so do the Brewers. Funny, it used to be as Rickie (Weeks) goes, so do the Brewers. How times have changed, eh?

Check out my final video, which covers the Starting Rotation for the 2014 Milwaukee Brewers, recorded outside of Miller Park in Milwaukee, WI on the day I returned from Phoenix, AZ:

 

I'll be blunt when I say that I was a little pissed off while recording this video (it was really cold and windy so I recorded the audio on my phone, learning from my mistake at The London Bridge). I love Wisconsin will all of my heart and I will probably stay here for the rest of my life, but the Winter really sucks. I hate the snow and the cold, and coming back here was a real slap in the face. Especially after spending 6 days in Arizona and Las Vegas were it was sunny and in the high 70s or low 80s every single day. Why do people live in cold weather climates? I blame my parents, although I could have left at any given moment in my adult life. But I'm still here. This video should have been first because starting pitching sets the tone for the game and will be the #1 reason why the Brewers succeed or fail this year. But it was filmed last, so deal with it pal.

Yovani Gallardo #49 - 15-9 record, 3.44 ERA, 188 innings pitched, 32 starts, 174 strikeouts, able to put last year's on and off the field troubles behind him and reclaim his throne as the leader of this pitching staff for this year (and hopefully many years to come when they resign him).

Kyle Lohse #26 - 13-7 record, 3.29 ERA, 202 innings pitched, 32 starts, 130 strikeouts and the slow but steady force that keeps this pitching rotation (and this clubhouse) chugging along like Casey Jr.

Matt Garza #22 - 12-9 record, 3.75 ERA, 160 innings pitched, 25 starts, 141 strikeouts and decent bill of health thanks to an apple a day which kept the Doctor away.

Marco Estrada #41 - 9-11 record, 4.18 ERA, 145 innings pitched, 25 starts, 141 strikeouts and never, ever ever, ever ever ever going to get any respect from me, Rodney Dangerfield-style.

Wily Peralta #38 - 13-11, 3.65 ERA, 32 starts, 189 innings pitched, 140 strikeouts and one small step for Wily Peralta, one giant leap for Milwaukee Brewers Starting Pitching.

And there she is. I'll only talk about Sage one more time in this year's 25 Brewers in 25 Days feature. Of course that's only because this is the last article. Don't worry friends (or worry because you fear for my mental health because of my obsession with her) I will still figure out a way to bring her up throughout the remainder of the Brewers season and for the rest of my life. The picture on the left was taken down in Arizona but sadly I wasn't the photographer. My friend Elliot sent me this picture when I was down in Phoenix to let me know that she was there. I told him that if I saw her, I was going to ask her to be my wife. I told him that he would be invited to the wedding and that if he played his cards right, I might even make him my best man. And you know what the best man gets to do, right? He asked what. I told him, "Give a speech you sick bastard. She's my wife!" I love putting words in someone else's mouth or coming up with a sick idea and blaming the other person for doing it. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but my favorite example of it is in Groundhog Day. When Phil Connors (Bill Murray) steals the groundhog and is driving away in the car, Larry (Chris Elliott) and Rita (Andie MacDowell) are following in the news van. Rita asks, "Why would anybody steal a groundhog?" Larry responds with, "I can probably think of a couple of reasons. Pervert." But since Larry is the one who came up with the sick ideas, isn't he the pervert? But he puts the blame on Phil for some of the things that Phil would do with the groundhog that stemmed from his imagination. I love it.

And so that's the end of this year's 25 Brewers in 25 Days. I kind of crammed it all into 16 days and my previews were still happening even as the regular season started. I don't intend to do things this way but some of the best things in my life have been unplanned, like my future children. I'm not perfect and neither are the Brewers, but they will need to play that way if they want to make the playoffs this year. They have better pitching depth than in years' past, but they can't sustain major injuries to their top players. What team can? I'll happily sustain a major injury so that Sage would come visit me in the hospital as long as I don't have to lose a limb. You know how people how people say "I'd give my right arm to spend a night with Sage, no questions asked." Wait, people don't say that? I'm the only one? But as much as I love Sage, I don't think I would give up my right arm. As a writer and a guitar player, I would be seriously altered for life without that appendage. So how about a leg? If I lost a leg I would either be on crutches or in wheelchair for life. People who are crippled have to work twice as hard as the normies do. I'm not looking for extra work. I don't even do a whole lot of work as it is. So let's throw that one out of the window. I already mentioned the Cancer thing in previous articles. but I don't want to once again make a joke out of a serious issue. So I can't lose a limb or get a life threatening disease. So how I am supposed to get Sage to feel sorry for me to get close enough to realize how amazing I am and then fall madly in love with me? Good old fashioned charm. And a whole lot of luck.

Skill is one thing. So is talent. Putting in the hard work and effort will get you a long way. But you also need luck; for things to go your way. I didn't even mention Hank the Dog in any of these articles. I won't get into length about it, but the Brewers found a stray dog that wandered into Maryvale Ballpark in Phoenix and they started taking care of him. It became a huge story and people are in love with the little rascal. Now they may have taken it too far with the merchandise and public appearances, but they have said they are donating some of the proceeds to both the Wisconsin and Arizona Humane Societies. As someone who has adopted two cats from the Humane Society, I can totally get behind that. We should always help out those less fortunate than ourselves, even if they are animals. So the Brewers did something really good. I'm a firm believer in Karma (and not just the drink girl at La Bayou in Las Vegas from a few years ago) and that this good deed could earn them some serious good fortune in the future. 

So the Brewers have the tools and they have the talent. They may have the luck. Will it lead to the playoffs? Will I ever get to meet Sage? Will she realize that I am her destiny? Will I wake up and register for an Internet dating site such as Match.com so I will focus my attention on a girl that is more in my league? Will California ever separate from the United States? Not legally, but in terms of land mass? Because like by the year of 20-something they are supposed to do something. Will X ever truly mark the spot? Will Rickie Weeks be able to bat his weight? Can Matt Garza avoid the DL? Will Ryan Braun's thumb injury prevent him from being Ryan Braun? Will the Starting Rotation be as good as I think they can be? Will Carlos Gomez, Jean Segura, Khris Davis and Scooter Gennett be able to replicate their amazing performances from last season? Will Wily Peralta take the next step forward? Will Marco Estrada keep the ball in the park, the spice in his marriage and the spark in the bedroom? Will this article ever end? Here's hoping we get some of those answers during the 2014 Milwaukee Brewers season. But even if we don't, at least it's going to be one hell of a ride.

 - pookon -

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