Over Thanksgiving weekend of 2011 AT&T U-Verse had a free preview of HBO, Cinemax, Starz and all of the other premium channels that aren't dirty. Well, some of them we got a preview of were dirty after dark, but that's not what you want to hear about. It was that Saturday night when I didn't have anything else to do that I watched How to Train Your Dragon and The Town with my Mother. Yes, my life is sometimes that sad (no offense Mom). But thankfully I have booze and Twitter to help me get through my pathetic life. I decided to Live Tweet the dragon flick because I knew I could find issues in a kid's movie about puberty and sexuality, I mean taming dragons. And of course I was pretty ridiculous as always and unfiltered. So if you are a kid, have kids or are planning to have them someday, sat next to a kid on the bus once or have heard of a kid I beg you not to read this.
Since nobody is reading this I can be a little saucy. Which condiment allows you to slide down the Godsplash faster - A1 Steak Sauce or Worcester Sauce? I like dijon mustard best because Dijon is the name of the thieving lackey in DuckTales: The Movie - Treasure of the Lost Lamp. I'm a mixer. I take all the available sauces and whip them together for a different combination every time. It was like a Monster Mix, only with sauces.
OK folks, I'm done being saucy. You can continue reading now. This flick was actually quite good and that's what I heard about it. The story was decent and the animation was pretty good too. Made me want to own a dragon. Until that fucker lit my ass up like a Christmas Tree so the NBA JAM announcer could yell out, "HE'S ON FIRE!!" Don't read too much into the title. You can't tame dragons. You ain't no Viking from the 4th to 13th Century AD. You cannot train one. And it's not because there aren't any dragons it's because in the movie they never really teach you how to do it. Unless I totally missed that part in the movie because I was too busy drunken live tweeting. Oh well, read on to see how I felt about this movie.
These dragons love to eat lambs. Haven't seen someone tear up lamb like that since me in college at Oakland Gyros. #HowToTrainYourDragon
So this kid wants to be big and fat like the rest of the Vikings? Listen pal, I'll switch with you. #HowToTrainYourDragon
This kid captured a dragon, but the dragon's retarded. I'm no animal rights activist, but retards need to be let go. #HowToTrainYourDragon
If dragons were real I'd kill all of them. Just like aliens, those fuckers don't belong here. #HowToTrainYourDragon
Listen kid - you can't talk a dragon to death (even if it is working on me). Stab that fucker in the heart. #HowToTrainYourDragon
It's just raw fish. Millions of weirdos eat that shit. It's called sushi. It's not the worst u can put in your mouth. #HowToTrainYourDragon
This kid used ball bearings to fix the injured dragon's tail. C'mon guys! It's all ball bearings these days! #HowToTrainYourDragon
To train these kids, they just let the dragons attack. That's like dropping your kid off at 21st and Locust. #HowToTrainYourDragon
They need to stop making computer animation so lifelike. This blonde chick is kind of giving me a boner. #HowToTrainYourDragon
This skinny blonde chick is kind of doing it for me. Sadly the dragon is too. Damn I need to get a girlfriend. #HowToTrainYourDragon
This kid's name is Hiccup. I have a cure for that. Hold your breath and I'll scare you. Works every time. #HowToTrainYourDragon
Yes!! Those dragons totally stole a dolphin out of the sea for a feast! You eat those smug bastards! #HowToTrainYourDragon
Just because the dragon is black doesn't mean you have to call him Night Fury. #ALittleRacist #HowToTrainYourDragon
Jonah Hill's voice is distracting in an animated movie. It's like hearing the voice inside my head. #HowToTrainYourDragon
Night Fury? Does he have a brother Nick who is leader of the Avengers? You know, the guy who shouts a lot? #HowToTrainYourDragon
When the big dragon hit the ground, an explosion went off. Good thing Hiccup Luke Skywalker'd it inside the dragon. #HowToTrainYourDragon
I'm just waiting for Astrid to say "and I thought they smelt bad......................on the outside. " #HowToTrainYourDragon
So the Vikings ended up living in harmony with the dragons? I call bullshit. War doesn't get resolved that easy. #HowToTrainYourDragon
Movies need to stop lying to kids. Life is hard. There is no peace. War is hell. Get used to it pal. #HowToTrainYourDragon
The Town is another one of those movies that I heard was really good. It's also one of those movies that I own but I have never seen. I have lots of those. We decided to watch it that night and I thought it was pretty damn good. Ben Affleck was the bomb in this just like he was in Phantoms. Word bitch! Phantoms like a muh-fucker! I wasn't intending on Live Tweeting this movie because I didn't know anything about it. But I was still drunk so I decided to post a couple of observations. But you can't follow along with me and semi-understand the plot like you can in my other Live Tweet sessions because I didn't even know where I was going with any of this. This movie did make me want to have a recognizable accent like the Bostonians in this flick. I suppose I have a Midwest accent but it isn't too sexy. Hey wadda got dere missy? You lookin real fine dere dontcha know. Yep. You're turned on right now. I got real caught up in this flick and ended up having a good time with it. There's nothing wrong with bank heists, car chases and shoot outs. That kind of stuff will always be ok in my book. It's a good thing that I'm not a judge or member of any Law Enforcement Agency. Check out the couple of random things that I had to say about The Town.
Skeletor sure knows what he is doing robbing this bank. It's too bad he never knew how to defeat He-Man. #TheTown
These accents are so thick I can't here "Whatcha Say" playing in the background of this bar. #TheTown
I'm very impressed with the track suit Affleck is rocking. Is that what bank robbers wear? I want to be a bank robber. #TheTown
So you hold up a bank girl, tail her at the laundrymat then take her out on a date? I never did that. Is that why I'm single? #TheTown
The trouble with live tweeting a movie like this is that there is no one holding a gun to my head forcing me to do it. #TheTown
Affleck looks old as shit in this flick. What happened to the kid from that fucking movie with Mork from Ork in it? #TheTown
Blake Lively looks like fucking hell in this flick. But I'd still do her anyway. What? I got low standards. #TheTown
I've been working at Miller Park for 10 years and there has never been a shootout on the service level. No fair. #TheTown
The most exciting thing I saw at Miller Park was Bernie Mac. When he was alive. Not as a ghost. Now that would've been sweet. #TheTown
They say Affleck was the bomb in Phantoms. This is true. However, he is the bomb in this flick as well. #TheTown
Well that's all for now. If you like these Movie Drunken Live Tweets then make sure to come back here for more of my internet adventures. I have at least 6 more commentaries to share with you and they're all really good. Have a nice day, and remember if you get drunk and watch a movie, you might as well Tweet about it!
- pookon -
www.pookon.com
email: pookondotcom@gmail.com
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