Drunken Live Tweet - Total Recall - "Tweet Your Ass to Mars"

I fucking love Total Recall. It's one of my favorite science fiction movies of all time and might just be by favorite Arnold Schwarzenegger  movie. I've been watching this flick since I was a little kid which is a little upsetting considering the high amount of violence, the mutant freaks and a woman with 3 titties. That kind of stuff would scar a normal kid but you probably guessed that I wasn't a normal kid. In fact this movie just me all kinds of hyped and made me thirst for not only more Arnold movies but also for more 3 tittied mutant movies. Sadly this is the only one that I know of so it has to do. They need to make more movies with 3 tittied mutants. There's only one! Whoever has the idea but isn't running with it is sitting on a gold mine! Does that mean I'm sitting on a gold mine? Once I gather the capital that is needed to start up a business (imagine me going to a bank to apply for a small business loan and they ask what I plan on doing and I tell them I'm making movies with 3 tittied mutants... awkward) I'm going to bring you all kinds of sweet flicks with 3 tittied mutants. So be on the lookout for that. Coming soon to a street corner near you. I'll be selling them out of the trunk of my car because I doubt any store on this planet will sell them there. But I will be hugely popular on Mars and the rest of the solar system where 3 tittied women are the norm.

There's another reason why I love this movie and it has nothing to do with the alteration of female anatomy. Timmy and I used to watch this movie a lot and would often whisper Quaid... (like the alien Kuato does) whenever we saw or talked about Randy or Dennis Quaid. My Mom is in love with Dennis Quaid so she would watch a lot of his movies. We'd tease he that she was in love with Quaid... and she would wonder why we whispered it instead of saying it out loud. I don't think she ever saw Total Recall so I don't blame her for not getting our inside joke. I still whisper Quaid... even though Timmy is gone and I don't care that anyone doesn't get my jokes. It's funny to me and always will be. Timmy and I had so many inside jokes that it would be damn near impossible to stop doing them and laughing hysterically afterwards. That's just the kind of connection we had.

Keeping in tradition with my Live Tweet movie sessions, I was good and drunk while watching this movie. Proceed with caution from here on out because I tend to be very unfiltered when I'm drunk and on Twitter. Look, if you are still reading and weren't turned away by the 3 tittied mutant talk in the first paragraph, nothing below here is going to offend you. And if you are offended then get over it. It's called humor and taste. Humor is subjective and if you don't find it funny then leave. There are plenty of other people out there who do so deal with it. So you have been warned, but here is my Drunken Twitter Commentary to one of my favorite movies. I present my take on Total Recall.

Now it's time to get my ass to Mars. That's right you Kuato lovers, time to drunken #LiveTweet #TotalRecall! 

There's no better way to suck audiences in right away than with a sweet 90's action score and an Arnold freakout. #TotalRecall

You would hate it on Mars. It's dry, it's ugly, it's boring. Kind of like my ex-wife. #TotalRecall

Lori, I changed my mind. I don't want to go to Mars. I want to go to Uranus. #TotalRecall

So there are terrorists on Mars? I thought Operation Enduring Freedom took care of those fuckers. Must have missed a few. #TotalRecall

Those scanners in the subway can see if you are packing heat. They can also see what you are packing in your shorts. #TotalRecall

They couldn't get Arnold's actual twin Danny Devito to cameo in this flick so they got a look alike? Cheap bastards. #TotalRecall

Doug Quaid? I wonder if he is related to Dennis and Randy Quaid. That would make for a pretty fantastic family reunion. #TotalRecall

That's nice these people can give you Total Recall. I can't even experience drunken recall or recall where I parked my car. #TotalRecall

Arnold looks way too happy to enter the Recall program. It's like he found a Turbo Man doll for his son or some shit. #TotalRecall

I use Johnny Bowl to describe a large bowl for food such as cereal. Pretty sure I stole it from the Johnny Cab. Guilty. #TotalRecall

The Danny Devito clone tries to kill Arnold but ends up getting killed. Vincent should have known not not mess with his twin. #TotalRecall

Arnold takes domestic violence to a new level as he throws a chair at his wife's face. But she did deserve it. #TotalRecall

Damn I'm lonely. I'm willing to be a secret agent and have my memory erased just so some chick could pretend to be my wife. #TotalRecall

Someday I hope to be important enough to have some chick sleep with me and pretend to be my wife. Just to keep an eye on me. #TotalRecall

Subway security got a look at Arnold's package and got jealous. Look guys, that's no reason to arrest him. #TotalRecall

A lot of people die on this escalator. Not just that one kid who is back on the escalator again. #Mallrats #TotalRecall

In an hour Arnold could have Total Recall. In an hour I'm going to be totally passed out. #drunk #TotalRecall

If Patrick Duffy told me to wrap a towel around my head I'd tell him to go fuck himself + take care of his stepkids. #TotalRecall

That old bitch should have been allowed to keep the suitcase. Whatever happend to finders keepers losers weepers? #TotalRecall

Johnny Cab just tried to kill Arnold. That will teach that Austrian fuck. Don't skip out on cab fair. It's just not right. #TotalRecall

I once stuck a Whopper malted milk ball up my nose. But it wasn't used for tracking. It was to entertain my co-workers. #TotalRecall

Arnold had to dress like a fat woman to pass through customs on Mars. To go into Canada, I just had to be a fat man. #TotalRecall

Mars sucks. I mean it. Literally. It sucks you from inside the compound into the barren wasteland. #TotalRecall

Cohaagen? That's not the administrator of the colony on Mars. That's an unincorporated community in Montana. #TotalRecall

The first thing Arnold does on Mars is to check in at the Hilton. Foley works at the Hilton. #ThatsWhyTheyCallHimMadMan #TotalRecall

Arnold has horrible penmanship. It's not even proper grade school cursive. The Austrian school system is terrible. #TotalRecall

Benny has 5 kids to feed. Seems like a pretty good reason to take a ride in his cab. I don't have kids. I wouldn't know. #TotalRecall

Hands down. Like 3 hands down. The best scene in the movie. A woman with 3 titties? Lord have mercy. #TotalRecall

Good to see that the not Wendy's Dave Thomas and some freak with a vagina on his face are part of the mutant revolution. #TotalRecall

"You never loved me Hauser. You just used me to get inside." Yeah. Get inside that pussy you dirty slut. #TotalRecall

Benny wishes he had three hands so he could grab those 3 titties all at once. And I wish I had 3 dicks. #masturbation #TotalRecall

The entire world is after Quaid + he is chilling in his hotel room. Only a squirrelly little doctor could find him. Bullshit. #TotalRecall

A fake doctor and his fake wife come to convince him he's in a dream. I'm confused. Or drunk. Can it be both? #TotalRecall

Quaid took the pill. In his mouth. Another fucker did that. His name was Neo. He took the red pill. The truth is revealed. #TotalRecall

This chick is some kind of Spanish. Which is why I don't understand how she almost loses this fight. Supposed to be feisty. #TotalRecall

"You wouldn't hurt me sweetheart. We were married." He shoots her in the head. "Consider that a divorce." Best line ever. #TotalRecall

The chick with 3 boobs didn't deserve to die. First time I cried during movie. She has 3 beautiful things to share. #TotalRecall

The midget stripper meant business when she stabbed that dude. She might be 1/2 the size, but she's 100% business. #TotalRecall

I'm sick of talking about #Braun. I need to readjust my priorities for what's really important - finishing #LiveTweeting #TotalRecall

All that Benny ever says is I got 5 kids to feed. My grade school friend Cortez always said his Uncle Morris only had 3 toes. #TotalRecall

I don't recall a whole lot from my childhood but I will never forget Uncle Morris and his 3 toes. #TotalRecall

Cohaagen says stop fighting and pull out. I'm cool with your birth control method. It's just that condoms work better. #TotalRecall

They stopped the air flow to the mutants. Listen pal, the lack of oxygen is the least of these freaks' problems. #TotalRecall

People will confess a lot of things at gunpoint. Benny reveals his mutant hand. I would reveal that I'm secretly gay. #TotalRecall

Not Wendy's Dave Thomas hides a mutant baby in his belly. I only hide digested cookies and steak sandwiches. #TotalRecall

When Kuato gets shot he whispers Quaid...Quaid.... Timmy and I used to do this anytime we saw or mentioned Dennis Quaid. #TotalRecall

They locked Arnold up in the chamber and made him try to recall the plot of this movie. Which is why he went mad. #TotalRecall

Just once in my life I want to stab someone in their throat. Just to see if the blood shoots out in a stream like that. #TotalRecall

We all made plates as kids. Mine has a Christmas tree. Mike Bates' had this mine drilling tank from #TotalRecall. Awesome. 

Quaid drills Benny. But not in a gay way. Pervert. I mean he drills him. Literally. There was blood everywhere. #TotalRecall

In this flick you get 2 Arnolds for the price of 1! Talk about a deal! That means twice as many freak outs and one liners! #TotalRecall

Do you think Arnold would do Melina and her hologram at the same time? It'd be like a 3 way but not really. #TotalRecall

A fight on an elevator. The only fight I ever had in an elevator was to keep the gas inside of me. You can't fart in there. #TotalRecall

Richter just lost his arms. Good thing he lost his life too. Would be impossible to masturbate without arms and hands. #TotalRecall

I wish that the alien handprint on the device had a big middle finger. One big fuck you to the people who find it. #TotalRecall

Frodo throws the one ring into Mount Doom and Arnold gets to breathe on Mars. So glad the movie had a happy ending. #TotalRecall

Atmospheric change happened way too fast on Mars. I know it was alien technology, but do you really expect me to believe that? #TotalRecall

If I were able to recall all of the horrible shit I've done in my life, I'd want to get my ass to Mars too. #TotalRecall

There's a remake of Total Recall coming out this August directed by Len Wiseman (the Underworld movies and Live Free or Die Hard) that has Colin Farrell as Douglas Quaid, Kate Beckinsale as Lori, Jessica Biel as Melina and Bryan Cranston as Cohaagen. That's a pretty awesome cast and so far the trailers look pretty sweet. But here's the kicker - unless they're not trying to give shit away there is no Mars. There is no Richter. There is no party to see him at. There is no Benny. It looks like a sweet science fiction film but it doesn't look like Totall Recall. I'm sure it's faithful to the source material (Phillip K. Dick's short story "We Can Remember It for You Wholesale") but it isn't the Total Recall that I grew up with. It looks too slick and modern to be the 90's classic action blockbuster where some Austrian dude spits out one-liners. So I'm a little leery of it, much like I am with every remake of a movie from my childhood. So we'll see on this. I can't promise to go see the new Total Recall. I will say that if I do I won't be drunk and Live Tweeting it. I only do that with movies I love and have seen many many times. I still have some more Live Tweet movie commentaries to share with you and I've shared the best ones for last so make sure to check back here at Pookon's Ill Blog, your source for all the juvenile humor and drunken observations that you need to know while watching a movie.

 - pookon -

www.pookon.com

email: pookondotcom@gmail.com

http://www.facebook.com/MilwaukeeIceman

What's Brewing in the Crewbicle? - Week 10 - San Diego Padres / Kansas City Royals

Padre is Spanish for Father or some shit. As a born-again Mexican I should know that but I haven't taken the time to learn the native language. I've been too busy sampling the cuisine, shaking maracas and enjoying an afternoon siesta. But while we are on the subject of Padres I might as well talk about mine. My pops is an awesome guy when he's around. That's not really his fault because over the last 10 years he's either lived far away (California, Green Bay, Illinois and Florida) or travels all the time. Or if you ask the people who I work with he's up in space at the International Space Station or training for a Mission to Mars because I have them all convinced that he is an Astronaut. I have a lot to thank my Dad for (but not limited to) my love for Science fiction and most notably Star Wars and Star Trek, my love for nature and camping, being computer and tech savvy, my ability to think critically and being able to travel the country on his dime. I love my Dad because he has always allowed me to do whatever I wanted and never held me back. Plus he's always been there for me financially when I needed some money or needed a new car. He's bought me plane tickets to go to Vegas for the World Series of Beer Pong and to see him in Florida. During college I spent every Spring Break with him and that tradition continued for many years after I graduated college. 2010 was the last time that I spent Spring Break with him and I hope to resurrect that tradition in the future. So that's a little about my Dad who may or may not be an Astronaut. I talked about him because I really don't have anything to say about the San Diego Padres except for they are a bad baseball team. Really bad. But so are the Brewers in 2012. It's a wonder that we can beat anyone.

Former Milwaukee Brewers Manager Ned Yost, who I know that you all love so much , has been managing the Kansas City Royals for the last few years. I was worried that the day would come and we would have to face him again and we would be embarrassed by Yost. This was pretty much the worst thing that could have happened. What a joke man. I couldn't do anything else but shake my head and swear a lot. I haven't gotten as emotionally invested as I have in years' past but this one stung so much that it got me all riled up just like back in the day. Ned Yost just really irks me because he kind screwed us over in the later years of his tenure here by being a stubborn son of a bitch. Losing 3 in a row to this awful baseball team is the kind of thing that makes me just want to quit following this team and stop doing this weekly write-up. I have too much other things to write about and simply can't devote time to a team that frankly isn't worth it. But that's just how I feel right now. Next week is different and we can rattle of 4 of 6 and I'll be all happy and shit and rolling around in the garden surrounded by daisies. Even though they are not in season, I'll be sure to find some daisies to roll in god damn it!

Friday June 8 - Sunday June 10. Milwaukee Brewers vs San Diego Padres at Miller Park. Games 58 - 60 of 162. The Brewers finished a 9 game homestand at 5-4. I should be happy that we are slowly climbing back to .500 but I'm not. Against the Pirates, Cubs and Padres we should have done better. 6-3 was the minimum I wanted but still expected more. We need to go on some kind of a run. And I don't care if they won 9 of the last 12. Sure, nice. But I need more. For years I've been heavily invested in this team and for years I've been let down. But on to this Padres series. I don't know what to think. The Padres are bad, so it's no surprise that we took 2 of 3. And the offense put up some runs, but that was to be expected. But what I didn't expect was for our bullpen to nearly blow the game in the bottom of the 9th on Sunday. What the hell happened there? Had they not held on for that win I would have lost it, and it wouldn't have been pretty. That kind of nonsense is not acceptable when you are trying to get back to a respectable place in the division. But newsflash pal - we're only 4.5 games behind the Reds, so all we need to do is stay competitive for now and strike when the fire gets hot. Or some shit like that. Brewers 9, Padres 5. Padres 5, Brewers 2. Brewers 6, Padres 5.

Tuesday June 12. Milwaukee Brewers vs Kansas City Royals at Kaufman Stadium. Game 61 of 162. I don't get it. If that game was at Miller Park we would have won. Greinke just can't win on the road. even when he goes 7 innings, gives up 1 run and strikes out 8. If that performance is anywhere he should have won that game. But for some reason the offense struggles and they pick the worst times to do it. We needed this win. Coming off a 5-4 homestand with our best pitcher on the mound, we needed to set the tone for the next few days and keep the momentum going on the back to .500 climb. But like I've been saying all season, every time they take a couple steps forward they end up taking a couple steps back back too. It's unbelievable. They still have enough talent to beat NED YOST and the Royals and they let this one get away. I'm sorry, but losing this game today was unacceptable. And people wonder why I'm so down on the team this year. I just point to games like this and say here's my proof. Royals 2, Brewers 1.

Wednesday June 13. Milwaukee Brewers vs Kansas City Royals at Kaufman Stadium. Game 62 of 162. I think I can honestly say that was the worst game of the 2012 Brewers season. Think about it - Randy Wolf pitched one hell of a game but somehow hasn't won since April. The offense scraped and scrapped together 3 runs. Given their struggles it was impressive. KRod didn't blow it. But the Axford did. The 2 guys he walked came around to score with 2 outs. And then Veras walks in the winning run in the 11th. So that's bad. But the worst part is that you know lost the series to the Royals who were only 8-20 at home before this series. Add to that the misery of losing 2 straight to Ned Yost and having to salvage Game 3 to avoid the sweep and we officially have problems. Kansas City was supposed to be worse than us, but at this point I'm not convinced the Brewers could beat anybody. Not even my 5-year old cousin Joey's T-Ball team. Ok, so maybe they're not that bad, but at least I have more fun watching my cousin's team play. It's madness to sit down and watch this team. I have better things to do with my life. Royals 4, Brewers 3.

Thursday June 14. Milwaukee Brewers vs Kansas City Royals at Kaufman Stadium. Game 63 of 162. Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, right? It's times like this when I wish that I didn't post this ____ on my cubicle wall so I could go on a Tim Allen-like rant. What the ____ just happened? What a bunch of ___ ____ _______ losers. They should so _______ ashamed that they got their _____ handed to them by the _______ Kansas City Royals. Piece of ____ team. That's what I thought the Royals were. But I was wrong. Garbage. We're _______ garbage man. These players can go to ____. Cody Ransom? Edwin Maysonet? What a _______ joke. Bunch of god ____ amateurs who couldn't hit off of a tee at a _______ t-ball game. That's cause they're too busy grabbing their _____ and _______ off. Probably thinking about guys too. _______ homos. ____, now I can't post this. People aren't that _______ dumb. Royals 4, Brewers 3.

Next up Interleague play continues with a trip up North (which I will be present for) to Minneapolis against the Twins and a quick 3-game homestand against the only remaining Canadian baseball team the Toronto Blue Jays. I don't really know what to expect because ever since I moved in with my roommate I haven't really been following the rest of the MLB because I no longer have the MLB Network, which is the single most sweetest channel in the history of television if you are a baseball fan. So we'll see how that plays out as I will be present of most of the games and I'll get a first-hand look at these teams so I can come back to you with some fantastic analysis that you have come to expect here from this blog. And did you also notice that anal and cum (albeit it a different spelling of cum in the form of come) was in that last sentence? I certainly did. Which is why I have now lost a few fans. That's why I could never be a writer in the "real world" because I lose all of my integrity when I see a word that makes me giggle. I can't hold back. What can I say? I'm just a filthy repressed old bastard. Deal with it.

 - pookon - 

www.pookon.com
email: pookondotcom@gmail.com
http://www.facebook.com/MilwaukeeIceman

What's Brewing in the Crewbicle? - Week 9 - Pittsburgh Pirates / Chicago Cubs

In 2011 the Milwaukee Brewers were a Major League best 57-24 at home, by far being the most dominant team to play at Miller Park. I don't know if it is the fans, the comfort, the roof or the field dimensions, but as you can see you always had a damn good chance to see a victory. One of those teams that couldn't beat us at home was the Pittsburgh Pirates. I'm too many weeks behind to go and dig up stats, but we owned them for like 27 of 30 games at Miller Park or some shit. After sweeping the Dodgers in 4 games on the road I was licking my chops getting ready for the Pirates to walk into our den like a roast goose on Christmas Dinner. But there was only one thing - we were poor as shit and couldn't afford goose, it wasn't Christmas Dinner and these are not the 2011 Milwaukee Brewers. Ok, so that's a few things. I'm drunk and can't count. That was evident in game 1 when they came out and spanked us and left Brewers fans wondering just what happened to the Miller Park Mystique. But when you have all the injuries and under-performing players you are worse than the Pittsburgh Pirates. Damn that's a sobering thought. So much so that I'm gonna go get another drink to get those ideas out of my head and bring back the drunken cloud that prohibits me from thinking about that shit. I mean Pirates are cool and everything, but not when they pillage, plunder and rape my baseball team. Then they're just a bunch of assholes. Talk about having a double standard. But we have been down below deck looking up at the Pirates for the entire season, so why should this series be any different?

I'm sick of the Chicago Cubs. I wish that the team and their idiot fans could just stay home near the neighborhood dump and not come up here to bother me. And for the most part they did this time around. Now I understand that both teams are terrible this year and that it was a weekday series, but these were some of the smallest crowds that I have ever seen for a Cubs/Brewers series. Oh well. Who cares really. The Cubs have sucked, do suck and will always suck. I wish that I could say that we were any better but the Milwaukee Brewers have never won a World Series while the Cubs last won one well over 100 years ago in 1908. I sure hope that the Brewers win one in my lifetime but I guess if I have to take solace in the fact that that no Cubs fan alive has seen a World Series win and probably never will while I'm here on this planet. So I take joy in the failures of others. Revel in their misery if you will. That's no way to live life but sometimes I have to take the little things because at this point there is nothing left. This Brewers season isn't very fun. Plain and simple. I'll still watch the games because I'm a fan but it gets harder and harder to devote time to doing these write-ups every day and then posting them on here. I have better things to do with my life than complain and be upset. Life is too short to surround yourself with negativity. So here we go as we try to be positive. Good luck with that pal.  

Friday June 1 - Sunday June 3. Milwaukee Brewers vs Pittsburgh Pirates at Miller Park. Games 52 - 54 of 162. The Brewers are worse than the Pittsburgh Pirates. Think about that for a while. That's kind of depressing, right? But it's the reality. With half of our roster (and about all about all of the lineup on Sunday) being from the Nashville Sounds due to injury, we look like a AAA team. And there's a reason why players are at AAA - they're either young and not major league ready (Maldonado) or old and not good enough for the majors (Maysonet). You can't expect to win with these guys. Thankfully the pitching is keeping us 5-6 games around .500 but now that sweep over the Dodgers means nothing because we lost yet another series. And it was a very winnable one too. I think I'm past the point of caring anymore because what are you going to do? This team isn't very good. There's this thing called talent - they don't have any of it! Now we don't quite need angels to win in 2012, but I'd like to see The Six Million Dollar Man technology in action instead. We can rebuild him (Gamel, Gonzalez, Lucroy). We have the technology. Pirates 8, Brewers 2. Brewers 5, Pirates 1. Pirates 6, Brewers 5.

Tuesday June 5. Milwaukee Brewers vs Chicago Cubs at Miller Park. Game 55 of 162. I can't say that this was the worst game I've seen all year, and that's only because I didn't really see this one. Oh I was at the ballpark, but I didn't make it in until the 5th inning and when I was there I was too busy being wasted to know what was going on. Classic. I'm sure I shouted and heckled Brooks Conrad but all in all I didn't have much to look at or pay attention to. Gallardo gave up 5 earned runs but somehow still managed to strike out 10 over 6 innings of work. But the real story was Dempster who owned us once again as he blanked us over 7 innings, giving up 3 hits with the first one not allowed until the 6th inning. From what I am hearing today (or read this morning) it sounded rough. But the real rough part was that there was only about 25,000 or so people who watched it. That's the lowest I've ever seen for a Cubs/Brewers game but it makes sense considering just how bad these two teams are. This game was an embarrassment. They shouldn't have punked us like that. What a disgrace. Cubs 10, Brewers 0.

Wednesday June 6. Milwaukee Brewers vs Chicago Cubs at Miller Park. Game 56 of 162. This was a game that confuses me. What do I say/do? Should I be excited? Should I be like "meh..." Greinke is always dominant at home, but he isn't this good. 7 innings, 2 hits, 12 strikeouts. He was so nasty I thought he should get his mouth cleaned out with soap. But then again, it was the Cubs. But here's the thing - if he keeps pitching like this then we can't afford him once he reaches free agency. But if we stay 6 games below .500 by the trade deadline we don't have to worry cause he'll be gone. And what's with the offense. Granted Maholm is no Dempster, but how do the same players put up 8 runs the night after being shut out? That's what has driven me mad this year. I want to get excited about this team but every time that I do, they just let me down by losing a series to a team that they should beat. So here's to this game I guess. Who knows what tomorrow will bring but for now it's good to win. And even better - it's good to beat the Cubs. GO BACK TO THE NORTHSIDE YA BUMS! Brewers 8, Cubs 0.

Thursday June 7. Milwaukee Brewers vs Chicago Cubs at Miller Park. Game 57 of 162. It's funny how one moment in a game can change the way you feel.The big moment of course was Norichika Aoki's walk-off homerun in the 10th, only his 3rd career MLB homerun, 2nd of the game and 2nd that actually left the ballpark. Well done for the Japanese Import. We need step up performances like that if we are going to salvage this season. Another big moment (albeit a bad one) was when KRod gave up a 2 run homer in the 8th when we were leading 2-1. What's his deal this year? Randy Wolf deserved better after 6 2/3, 1 run (unearned) and he hasn't won a game since April. But all that matters is that we won the game and more importantly the series. That was very important id we want to talk about .500. But like I've been saying this entire year, none of this matters if we don't win the series this weekend against the San Diego Padres, who like the Cubs are the worst team in the NL. Talk to me on Monday and we'll see if they won that series too. Brewers 4, Cubs 3.

The Brewers are at 3-3 so far on this 9-game homestand with the hapless Padres coming up next. And then they go on the road to face Ned Yost and the Royals. Both series are very winnable and gives us a chance to climb back to .500. I can't believe that after winning the NL Central last year and making it to the NLCS we are in mid-June and are struggling at getting back to .500. What a joke. I'm getting sick of this kind of talk and I don't even know why I keep doing this. I think it's because at my very core I'm a diehard fan and can't imagine a life that doesn't involve Brewers baseball. So I keep on plugging away every day hoping that I am wrong about this 2012 team and that they can rebound at any time and turn this season around. Like I said last week I'm behind in posting this so I already know the results (and so do you) but why not stick around and go on this journey with me? I promise to entertain and give you a pretty unique perspective on this shit. That's all I ever try to do here over at the Ill Blog. Someday I'll figure out how to do that.

 
 - pookon -
 
www.pookon.com
email: pookondotcom@gmail.com
http://www.facebook.com/MilwaukeeIceman?ref=tn_tnmn

What's Brewing in the Crewbicle? - Week 8 - Arizona Diamondbacks / Los Angeles Dodgers

Real life is tough. Most of the time you ignore it by immersing yourself in TV, sports teams, video games, playing in the park, the internet or whatever ways you distract yourself from how horrible and troubling real life can be. Don't get me wrong man - there's plenty of good in life but we look forward to that shit, welcome it, treasure it and talk about nice it was after it has been gone. But the bed times? We try to forget about those and cover them with distractions. I went through a week of bad times as my Grandpa Ronald Reck passed away at the age of 87. He was my first grandparent to die but obviously not the first family member to die. All week long I was thinking about Timmy and how sad it was to lose another person close to me but then I was angry because Timmy died at age 24 and didn't get to live a full and long life. My Grandpa had various diseases and was in and out of the hospital for the last year or so. This time his body just couldn't handle the strain of fighting off the maladies that were taking control of him. He's at peace now and I hope he and Timmy are doing well wherever they are. I didn't mean to be all kinds of serious on here but I have yet to really address this and this blog is my forum for that, even if the post doesn't directly relate to that event. But it happened during this week and severely altered my viewing and caring of the Brewers this week. I just wanted to point that out because I didn't watch a lot of the games and even if I did then I didn't really care that much because I was numb. So just a little warning before you think that I jumped ship on this team or something.

I don't really have much to say about this West Coast roadtrip to Arizona and Los Angeles. The only thing I remember before this trip began was that this could very much doom our entire season and but us so far below .500 that we could never dig ourselves out. I mean think about it - we were 8 games below .500 at 18-26 coming into game 1 against Arizona. I predicted that they were going to go 2-5 which would have put them at 20-31, 11 games under. I don't care if it is still June and technically still in the early stages of the season, 11 games under is a tough pill to swallow. But they didn't do that. Despite all odds they pulled themselves together and had an excellent roadtrip, even though they lost a key member along the way. I'm already like 2 weeks behind on this blog series so I'm just gonna let my cubicle posts tell the story of the West Coast roadtrip to Arizona and Los Angeles.

Friday May 25 - Sunday May 27. Milwaukee Brewers vs Arizona Diamondbacks at Chase Field. Games 45 - 47 of 162. I'd be lying if I said I watched these games. On the contrary. This was actually (Afterglow being the exception) one of the first times in recent memory that I didn't watch one game of a series. So excuse me if I have no idea what happened. It was partly my fault because I was at Jenny Reck's house all weekend and she doesn't have cable. I could have gone out of my way to see them but I chose not to. I needed a break. Plus real life keeps creeping up on me and is getting in the way of all the BS I use to distract me from it. But even though I can't always watch, I still do care as evident by my weekly series here. It's just that there is only so much I can devote to this team this year. I have to work really hard at keeping myself balanced. Plus there's really only so much you can say about this team that has only won 1 series all month. Why be negative? I'll be positive or nothing. Trust me. If I have something good to share here I will. If something good happens. Brewers 7, DBacks 1. DBacks 8, Brewers 5. DBacks 4, Brewers 3.

Monday May 28. Milwaukee Brewers vs Los Angeles Dodgers at Dodgers Stadium. Game 48 of 162. I finally watched a game. The whole game too. But I didn't really enjoy it. Environment and your surroundings have a lot to do with it, as does your overall mood. I wasn't in a really happy place. I got real world problems right now and I can't really find enjoyment in things like this. I know that I should be doing it, but it's just so difficult to care about much. Oh well. On to the game and the positives. Shaun Marcum is back to being that dominant pitcher he was at the beginning of last year that helped keep us afloat during the early struggles. If he can do that again we may rebound. And hey! Axford finally got another save. Seems like forever since that happened. And offensively it was the Aramis Ramirez show. Another good thing. If he starts to heat up we may be ok. I'm not saying we can win the division (thanks to all the injuries) but we just might be able to claw our way out of this season with our heads held high. Or not. Who knows. Brewers 3, Dodgers 2.

Tuesday May 29. Milwaukee Brewers vs Los Angeles Dodgers at Dodgers Stadium. Game 49 of 162. I'm glad that we didn't do the old song and dance and trot out Manny Parra to make the start in place of the injured Marco Estrada who is subbing in for the injured Chris Narveson. Melvin and Roenicke finally get it - don't mess with a good thing. Parra is actually pretty good as a relief pitcher so why mess with his head? With all these injuries eventually you have to give unproven guys a shot. Case in point - Michael Fiers and Martin Maldonado. Both made their first Major League starts. Fiers got his first win and Maldonado got his first hit. So that was nice. Fiers earned a couple more starts. So that's the positive. Here's the big negative. Jonathon Lucroy is out for 4-6 weeks with a broken hand. Since it is his right (throwing) hand it may be longer because he'll have to rehab longer to grab a baseball or a bat. Our 2nd best offensive player and best clutch hitter is out. Then we also lose his game calling skills and defense. It's gonna be tough without him but we'll have to make do. It will be important to win these close games. Brewers 2, Dodgers 1.

Wednesday May 30. Milwaukee Brewers vs Los Angeles Dodgers at Dodgers Stadium. Game 50 of 162. Yesterday was game 50. So. Does that mean anything to you? Nope. It shouldn't anymore. That's because Ryan Braun was not suspended for 50 games. And look at how poorly we did with him in the lineup. And it isn't because of injuries or poor play, it's because the Baseball Gods were mad at us and trying to punish the Milwaukee Brewers for Braun's actions. So they caused the injuries, poor performance and inconsistent play. But now that 50-game punishment is over. But even so, I still probably won't care. Over the last few days it seems as if the less I cared, the better they did so I'm just going to do my part to help them win. I have a feeling they're gonna get on some kind of roll and get themselves back to .500 so we can start the playoff talk again. No sense doing that while you are a losing team. Yesterday's games was hopefully a sign of what is to come. Good enough pitching and offense to get the job done. We won't dominate without some of our best players so we just have to try and be scrappy. Brewers 6, Dodgers 3.

Thursday May 31. Milwaukee Brewers vs Los Angeles Dodgers at Dodgers Stadium. Game 51 of 162. WOW. The Brewers actually did something good. In fact, they did something that they have never done in franchise history - they swept the Los Angeles Dodgers. What made it more impressive was that it was a 4-game sweep on the road on the West Coast, which are factors that seem to always work against the Brewers. But somehow they found a way to do it. And Brauny wasn't even in the lineup for the final game. No Lucroy, no Shadows and they still won. They are now within reach of .500 and they need efforts like this (good pitching and step up performances by guys like Weeks and Gomez) if they have a chance. Either way it's going to be an uphill struggle but this 4-game win streak is the longest of the season. I'll be excited but they have to find a way to put together a good 2 weeks worth of ball and quit taking backwards steps every time they do something good. I want to get excited. I want to believe. But then they go and do something stupid and ruin my fun. That can't happen this weekend, as we own the Pirates at Miller Park. Brewers 6, Dodgers 2.

5 and 2. 5 and 2 on the road against Arizona and Los Angeles. While that might not seem very impressive to you, it should blow away anyone who has followed the Brewers more than the last few seasons. This was one of those weeks that shouldn't have happened considering the injuries, sloppy defense and inconsistent offense. They shouldn't have been able to win 5 games on the road. But they did it somehow even while losing their 2nd best player (Lucroy). Stranger things have happened before but not with a team that has played this poorly until now. Seeing as how I am over a week behind I know how they performed on their 9-game homestand against the Pirates, Cubs and Padres in which they had a perfect chance to build upon their success on the road. I'd talk about that here, but I'm not going to. Deal with it. You'll just have to wait a few days to find out what I thought about that. Sorry pal. That's the way it works around here. Make you sure come back in a few days to read about some shit that you already knew but told in the 13th dimension. That's the only way we do things around here. And if you don't like that you can go back to the 12th dimension where you belong. 

- pookon -

www.pookon.com
email: pookondotcom@gmail.com
http://www.facebook.com/MilwaukeeIceman

Drunken Live Tweet - Zookeeper - "It's not my fault. I said throw Tweets at her. That always works."

If you ever listen to one piece of advice that I give to you then listen to this one - DO NOT SEE THE MOVIE ZOOKEEPER. This movie is a piece of shit. I have no idea how this movie got made. Well actually I do. Adam Sandler is the producer (as well as the voice of the foul-mouthed monkey) and probably asked his friends to make the movie on the cheap. Director Frank Coraci (The Waterboy, The Wedding Singer and Click) joins Kevin James, Rosario Dawson and a voice cast that includes Sylvester Stallone, Cher, Nick Nolte, Judd Apatow, John Favreau, Faizon Love, Maya Rudolph, Jim Breuer and the great Don Rickles. Sounds promising, right? Get that shitty idea out of you head now before I beat you with Kevin James' monkey poop covered shoe. This is a fucking abomination of a movie. Kevin James works at a zoo and talks to animals. And he falls down. A lot. There's also naughty words and farting. And Kevin James falls down. A lot more. They shouldn't show kids videos of the Holocaust in high school so that they can witness the worst of human atrocities, they just need to put this movie on repeat. Then they all will decide to give up on the meaningless things in life and spend their remaining years trying to redeem themselves and make up for the horrors they witnessed by offsetting it with planned acts of kindness. Whether you like it or not, this movie will change your life because nothing will ever seem as bad by comparison.

So why did I watch this movie? I really don't know. I had nothing better to do with my life on Saturday, March 17 and I was hanging out at home with my Mom and Jenny Reck. I think Mom had rented Zookeeper from the RedBox and we sat down to watch it. Even though I knew this flick was atrocious and uncalled for, I watched it anyway because I was drunk. And since I was drunk I decided to Live Tweet this movie even though this was the first (and last) time I saw this movie. I figured that it didn't matter than I technically had no idea where the movie was going even though it was painfully obvious that he was going to save the day and fall in love with Rosario Dawson, his coworker, instead of Leslie Bibb (Ricky Bobby's wife) who was trying to change him into something he was not. Like a guy who wears pants instead of shorts and doesn't work at a god damn zoo. Yeah that'll work. You can take Kevin James away from the stink but you can't take the stink out of a Kevin James movie. Look, he's not bad in movies like Hitch and one of my personal favorites Chuck + Larry, but he is absolutely terrible as the lead like in this film and Paul Blart: Mall Cop. He's just bad man.


So the last thing that I can say here is don't watch this movie. It is a waste of 102 minutes of your precious life. Time is one of those things that we only have a limited amount of and we are losing it by the second, so instead of watching the suckfest that is this movie, hang out with your family, some hot broads, your friends or even some people that you don't even like. Hell do just about anything but watch this movie. But in case you are curious to what happens in the film check out my Live Tweet commentary of the Kevin James laugh riot that is Zookeeper.

Hey Mom - #Zookeeper is rated PG for mild suggestive humor and language. You might have to leave the room.

There's this lion on life support with no heatbeat. That's an analogy for this movie at 12 minutes in. #Zookeeper

Ken Jeong is in this movie? Is there a paycheck that this guy won't turn down? Maybe I can get him to be in my student film. #Zookeeper

Which one is the monkey? Is it Kevin James or the giant ape in the corner? If you answered both then you are correct. #Zookeeper

The wolf was licking his crotch and then denied it, saying that he wasn't cleaning his basement. Laugh out loud humor. #Zookeeper

The animals have a code that you don't talk to humans. I wish that humans had a code that they didn't make this movie. #Zookeeper

The film makers truly understand what people find funny. Make Kevin James fall down a lot. Fucking hilarious. #Zookeeper

If I took one drink for every time Kevin James falls down I'd be passed out hammered drunk in the first half hour of this flick. #Zookeeper

The animals are the only ones laughing in/at this movie. Maybe 5 year olds too. Those little fuckers don't know anything. #Zookeeper

Bears are threatening to kill this kid. I wish they would kill me. Then I wouldn't have to sit through the rest of this flick. #Zookeeper

I'm glad that they showed a wolf peeing on a totem pole. As long as this movie is offending everyone, offend Indians too. #Zookeeper

Kevin James peed on a wolf. Then gave him a bath. That's what I feel like watching this. I have to wash this stink off of me. #Zookeeper

The dogs are outside and I think they have it better off. I'd rather be outside than watching this travesty. #Zookeeper

The lions are fighting with their words. Finally! Some action in this movie. Bite him!! Rip his head off!! #Zookeeper

Mom: who is that? Jenny: Rosario Dawson. Mom: she looks mixed. Me: like one of those swirl cones at McDonald's. #Zookeeper

Kevin James driving around with an Ape listening to rap music. Classic!! Then they go to Fridays! Best movie ever! #Zookeeper

Kevin James has his shirt partly unbuttoned. Who is more hairy? Kevin James or the Ape? There's no wrong answer here. #Zookeeper

Kevin James said he was going to throw up. I might too because of all the booze I have to drink to make it through this. #Zookeeper

None of us have any idea what is going on on this movie. Why are they swinging from drapes? Why is that guy mad? #Zookeeper

Kevin James was flying around the room like fucking Peter Pan and he broke a lot of shit. I honestly laughed at that. #Zookeeper

Kevin James split his pants. Us big people have problems like that. Skinny people never have to worry about that. #Zookeeper

They are at this club and Thomas Jefferson is there. No kidding. Or else someone who looks like him. Isn't this about animals? #Zookeeper

What is going on here? I never thought I'd say this, but can he go back to talking to animals? #Zookeeper

Now Kevin James is wearing a suit and selling cars. I thought this movie was about the zoo and animals. I call bullshit. #Zookeeper

The animals in the zoo hate on the crow because he's not a zoo animal. Now that's a little #AnimalRacist if you ask me. #Zookeeper

Mom just made it a point to say that's the second time she's laughed at this movie. Some comedy. #Zookeeper

The gorilla was trying to drive the van. But then he crashed. Gorillas can't drive. Everyone knows that. It's evolution. #Zookeeper

I just snorted because Kevin James is rowing in a boat with a Gorilla. Damn I'm drunk. Everything is funny. #Zookeeper

Jenny: ewww... She just kissed Kevin James. Me: yeah. That's punishment for committing crime in some countries. #Zookeeper

Jenny: why would anyone be in this movie? Me: I'm sure they were like, I needed a new boat. #Zookeeper

Mom: I've had it with this. I bet anyone who saw this in the theater was dissapointed. Me: coming from one who liked Snow Dogs. #Zookeeper

Mom: no animals were harmed in the making of this movie. Me: yeah they were. That had to be in it. #Zookeeper

Mom just said that this movie was in the same class as #AllAboutSteve and #BrideWars. Good company. #Zookeeper

How godawful was that? After reading my tweets making fun of the movie I bet you want to put a bullet in your head. Watching the movie is 6 times worse. You would want to put 6 bullets in your head. If you have actually seen this movie then my sympathies go out to you. If you want to sit down and talk about it we can start a support group for those victimized by Zookeeper. We might need a very large place to meet because I doubt there is someone out there who isn't a child or mentally challenged that enjoyed this movie. Not even my Mom liked it! And she loves shit like Air Bud and Snow Dogs! Now do you understand where I am coming from? Next time believe me when I issue a warning of caution. But next Live Tweet Movie Commentary will feature a movie that doesn't suck. This I promise you. With the exception of this piece of horseshit I only do my favorite movies and I have several that I have already done that I will lay out here and some that are planned for some drunken night. So keep coming back here to Pookon's Ill Blog and I'll see you at the movies, as long as we aren't watching Zookeeper.

- pookon -

www.pookon.com
email: pookondotcom@gmail.com
http://www.facebook.com/MilwaukeeIceman

What's Brewing in the Crewbicle? - Week 7 - Minnesota Twins / San Francisco Giants

He were at the tail end of what was supposed to be a soft part of the schedule. The Minnesota Twins, despite residing in our affable neighbor to the West, are a terrible baseball team. I have nothing against Minnesota because I've spent so much time up there thanks to my best buddy Mike Bates going to college and living up there. Major League Baseball instituted this "interleague rivalry" thing a few years ago but the Brewers and the Twins don't really have any bad blood between them despite playing each other in the AL Central prior to 1998 (when they moved to the National League). But that having been said we still should tear the creme filling out of them like me attacking the 35 foot long, 600 pound Twinkie mentioned in Ghostbusters. That's cause fat people like to eat. And we like to eat sweets. And if we are hungry we'll rip the mess out of anything that piques our appetite's interest. But sadly the Brewers would not win the series against the Twins and I wouldn't get my giant Twinkie. There would be a lot of sad (and hungry) people in the state of Wisconsin after this series and you have to start to wonder just what the hell is going on here if we can't even beat the Twins. This season may be over and it isn't even June yet. What the hell happened? I didn't see this one coming after we won the NL Central and made it to Game 6 of the National League Championship series last year. But as you have been seeing all year, nothing has been going right for your Brewers in 2012, and this series was evident of that.

The San Francisco Giants will always be a good baseball team regardless of their record because they have a good pitching staff. That, defense and clutch hitting is all you need to win. Sure I supposed some things have to go your way as well but at the core that's all you really need. That and a good looking woman to stay by your side as the troubles come and go. Maybe that's why my life has been pretty rough. I don't have a hottie to hold my hand and tell me that everything is going to be alright. And then we'll take a walk through the town square while everyone stares with mouths agape as to how an ugly motherfucker like me could land a girl with an ass like that. Of course I'm just dreaming right now, because there is no way that something like that could ever happen to me. Maybe someday, but for now I'll just sit here by myself and wonder where my life (and the Brewers 2012 season) went wrong. How did they lose back to back series at home to 2 teams that they should be able to beat? Why is our offense so inconsistent? How many players actually like playing in Milwaukee? What the hell am I going to do with the rest of my life? And why am I not wearing any pants? These questions may never be answered. Read on just in case I address any of them. 

Friday May 18 - Sunday May 20. Milwaukee Brewers vs Minnesota Twins at Miller Park. Games 39 - 41 of 162. On Friday night I was watching a comedy improv show featuring Ryan Stiles and Greg Proops. On Friday night those at Miller Park were watching a comedy show featuring the Milwaukee Brewers and the Minnesota Twins. What a joke. Two awful teams squaring off against each other. Yep, after this weekend I'm ready to admit that the Brewers are a bad team. Well, maybe not bad as much as inconsistent. How do you go from getting blown out, to taking a nail-biter into the 11th inning, to completely dominating and embarrassing a team in a 3-game set? It's madness to watch this team. You never know which team you are going to see. It's because of that why we can't get any kind of winning streak going or a nice run of 7 out of 10. I've got it now though. I've gotten used to winning. The past 4 years have ruined me as a fan. I used to love this team no matter what. I've sat through some dark days. When did I start having high standards? It's all my fault. Twins 11, Brewers 3. Twins 5, Brewers 4. Brewers 16, Twins 4. 

Monday May 21. Milwaukee Brewers vs San Francisco Giants at Miller Park. Game 42 of 162. This was a painful game to sit through. The first inning sucked. That was why I was still in the parking lot ThROWing down some beers. Don't know why I didn't cross that out and start over. It looks like I wrote TRONing down. No, I left Jeff Bridges and my light cycle at home. But I did have booze to entertain me because innings 2-7 were rough. Then Brauny comes up huge (because no one other than Lucroy knows how) and tied the game with a homerun to deep left center, above the bullpen and where I was standing. And then innings 9-13 were again a snooze fest. This offense is shockingly bad and they are going to lose games like this all season long. The pitching was fine. When Randy Wolf only gives up 3 runs you have to take advantage of that. I'm supposed to make my judgement on this team in 2 days, but at this point don't we already know the answer? Giants 4, Brewers 3.

Tuesday May 22. Milwaukee Brewers vs San Francisco Giants at Miller Park. Game 43 of 162. I don't know if I care anymore. I'm still going to watch every game, work a bunch and go to a few, but I don't care. The record and poor play has something to do with it, but I'll be the last one to join the done club. It's just that I have too many real world problems to deal with and can't worry about a bunch of millionaires playing a kids game who can't figure it out and work together for a common goal. Whatever man. I'm so over it now. And I'm sick of the negativity. Yeah I know it's my fault mostly because I'm pretty vocal about how I feel with this crap. So let's find a positive in yesterday's game. Lucroy went 2 for 4 and raised his batting average to .344, tied for 4th in the NL. Aoki is looking spectacular with regular playing time and may be the leadoff hitter we've been searching for all these years. Corey Hart looks fine at 1st. Oh! And Rickie Weeks got a base hit! Well done Rickie. How about doing that more often pal. Giants 6, Brewers 4.

Wednesday May 23. Milwaukee Brewers vs San Francisco Giants at Miller Park. Game 44 of 162. Games like today frustrate me. But why Scott? They won today and the offense put up 8 runs (which is strangely becoming a common number of runs for us to score. Look it up). But this game frustrates me because of what will happen tomorrow (technically Friday - the next game). What's the point of winning a game if we can't start a winning streak going? Coming up next is a 3-gamer in Arizona followed by a 4 game debacle in Los Angeles (Dodgers). I know that I set today, May 23rd as Judgement Day but I'm going to hold off at least until after this road trip (maybe longer) before calling it. Sorry. My head says one thing but my heart says another. But how about that Jonathon Lucroy? What a stud. He's so dialed in right now it's insane. He better make the NL All-Star team because I want to buy his jersey. So do it for me Jonny Luc. I've been shouting your praises from the hilltops since Day 1. Even before Day 1 pal. Brewers 8, Giants 5.

I don't think that I addressed any of the questions that I posed to myself. That's because I forgot what questions I asked. Damn you booze! But I do know that I'm not wearing any pants right now, and I seem to recall that one of the questions was pants related. So if any ladies out there find a guy like me without pants sexy, then you may be a permanent fixture in my life from here on out. If you don't find that to be attractive then don't fret - you're in good company with all of the other girls in this world. It's all of you against me and even though I'm woefully outnumbered I will certainly take you on. So come and get me baby! That's about the best I got because I'd rather talk about my futility in the dating world instead of the upcoming 7 game raodtrip against the Arizona Diamondbacks and the Los Angeles Dodgers. I'm scared about the next 7 games because the Brewers (despite changing players and gaining talent over the years) typically struggle on the West Coast. This could get ugly quick and the season could be over even before the plane touches down back in Wisconsin. But we'll see what happens in the next couple of games. They have a better shot at coming home with a winning record than I do coming home with any girl. And that's a fact!!

 - pookon -

www.pookon.com
email: pookondotcom@gmail.com
http://www.facebook.com/MilwaukeeIceman