Drunken Live Tweet - Zookeeper - "It's not my fault. I said throw Tweets at her. That always works."

If you ever listen to one piece of advice that I give to you then listen to this one - DO NOT SEE THE MOVIE ZOOKEEPER. This movie is a piece of shit. I have no idea how this movie got made. Well actually I do. Adam Sandler is the producer (as well as the voice of the foul-mouthed monkey) and probably asked his friends to make the movie on the cheap. Director Frank Coraci (The Waterboy, The Wedding Singer and Click) joins Kevin James, Rosario Dawson and a voice cast that includes Sylvester Stallone, Cher, Nick Nolte, Judd Apatow, John Favreau, Faizon Love, Maya Rudolph, Jim Breuer and the great Don Rickles. Sounds promising, right? Get that shitty idea out of you head now before I beat you with Kevin James' monkey poop covered shoe. This is a fucking abomination of a movie. Kevin James works at a zoo and talks to animals. And he falls down. A lot. There's also naughty words and farting. And Kevin James falls down. A lot more. They shouldn't show kids videos of the Holocaust in high school so that they can witness the worst of human atrocities, they just need to put this movie on repeat. Then they all will decide to give up on the meaningless things in life and spend their remaining years trying to redeem themselves and make up for the horrors they witnessed by offsetting it with planned acts of kindness. Whether you like it or not, this movie will change your life because nothing will ever seem as bad by comparison.

So why did I watch this movie? I really don't know. I had nothing better to do with my life on Saturday, March 17 and I was hanging out at home with my Mom and Jenny Reck. I think Mom had rented Zookeeper from the RedBox and we sat down to watch it. Even though I knew this flick was atrocious and uncalled for, I watched it anyway because I was drunk. And since I was drunk I decided to Live Tweet this movie even though this was the first (and last) time I saw this movie. I figured that it didn't matter than I technically had no idea where the movie was going even though it was painfully obvious that he was going to save the day and fall in love with Rosario Dawson, his coworker, instead of Leslie Bibb (Ricky Bobby's wife) who was trying to change him into something he was not. Like a guy who wears pants instead of shorts and doesn't work at a god damn zoo. Yeah that'll work. You can take Kevin James away from the stink but you can't take the stink out of a Kevin James movie. Look, he's not bad in movies like Hitch and one of my personal favorites Chuck + Larry, but he is absolutely terrible as the lead like in this film and Paul Blart: Mall Cop. He's just bad man.


So the last thing that I can say here is don't watch this movie. It is a waste of 102 minutes of your precious life. Time is one of those things that we only have a limited amount of and we are losing it by the second, so instead of watching the suckfest that is this movie, hang out with your family, some hot broads, your friends or even some people that you don't even like. Hell do just about anything but watch this movie. But in case you are curious to what happens in the film check out my Live Tweet commentary of the Kevin James laugh riot that is Zookeeper.

Hey Mom - #Zookeeper is rated PG for mild suggestive humor and language. You might have to leave the room.

There's this lion on life support with no heatbeat. That's an analogy for this movie at 12 minutes in. #Zookeeper

Ken Jeong is in this movie? Is there a paycheck that this guy won't turn down? Maybe I can get him to be in my student film. #Zookeeper

Which one is the monkey? Is it Kevin James or the giant ape in the corner? If you answered both then you are correct. #Zookeeper

The wolf was licking his crotch and then denied it, saying that he wasn't cleaning his basement. Laugh out loud humor. #Zookeeper

The animals have a code that you don't talk to humans. I wish that humans had a code that they didn't make this movie. #Zookeeper

The film makers truly understand what people find funny. Make Kevin James fall down a lot. Fucking hilarious. #Zookeeper

If I took one drink for every time Kevin James falls down I'd be passed out hammered drunk in the first half hour of this flick. #Zookeeper

The animals are the only ones laughing in/at this movie. Maybe 5 year olds too. Those little fuckers don't know anything. #Zookeeper

Bears are threatening to kill this kid. I wish they would kill me. Then I wouldn't have to sit through the rest of this flick. #Zookeeper

I'm glad that they showed a wolf peeing on a totem pole. As long as this movie is offending everyone, offend Indians too. #Zookeeper

Kevin James peed on a wolf. Then gave him a bath. That's what I feel like watching this. I have to wash this stink off of me. #Zookeeper

The dogs are outside and I think they have it better off. I'd rather be outside than watching this travesty. #Zookeeper

The lions are fighting with their words. Finally! Some action in this movie. Bite him!! Rip his head off!! #Zookeeper

Mom: who is that? Jenny: Rosario Dawson. Mom: she looks mixed. Me: like one of those swirl cones at McDonald's. #Zookeeper

Kevin James driving around with an Ape listening to rap music. Classic!! Then they go to Fridays! Best movie ever! #Zookeeper

Kevin James has his shirt partly unbuttoned. Who is more hairy? Kevin James or the Ape? There's no wrong answer here. #Zookeeper

Kevin James said he was going to throw up. I might too because of all the booze I have to drink to make it through this. #Zookeeper

None of us have any idea what is going on on this movie. Why are they swinging from drapes? Why is that guy mad? #Zookeeper

Kevin James was flying around the room like fucking Peter Pan and he broke a lot of shit. I honestly laughed at that. #Zookeeper

Kevin James split his pants. Us big people have problems like that. Skinny people never have to worry about that. #Zookeeper

They are at this club and Thomas Jefferson is there. No kidding. Or else someone who looks like him. Isn't this about animals? #Zookeeper

What is going on here? I never thought I'd say this, but can he go back to talking to animals? #Zookeeper

Now Kevin James is wearing a suit and selling cars. I thought this movie was about the zoo and animals. I call bullshit. #Zookeeper

The animals in the zoo hate on the crow because he's not a zoo animal. Now that's a little #AnimalRacist if you ask me. #Zookeeper

Mom just made it a point to say that's the second time she's laughed at this movie. Some comedy. #Zookeeper

The gorilla was trying to drive the van. But then he crashed. Gorillas can't drive. Everyone knows that. It's evolution. #Zookeeper

I just snorted because Kevin James is rowing in a boat with a Gorilla. Damn I'm drunk. Everything is funny. #Zookeeper

Jenny: ewww... She just kissed Kevin James. Me: yeah. That's punishment for committing crime in some countries. #Zookeeper

Jenny: why would anyone be in this movie? Me: I'm sure they were like, I needed a new boat. #Zookeeper

Mom: I've had it with this. I bet anyone who saw this in the theater was dissapointed. Me: coming from one who liked Snow Dogs. #Zookeeper

Mom: no animals were harmed in the making of this movie. Me: yeah they were. That had to be in it. #Zookeeper

Mom just said that this movie was in the same class as #AllAboutSteve and #BrideWars. Good company. #Zookeeper

How godawful was that? After reading my tweets making fun of the movie I bet you want to put a bullet in your head. Watching the movie is 6 times worse. You would want to put 6 bullets in your head. If you have actually seen this movie then my sympathies go out to you. If you want to sit down and talk about it we can start a support group for those victimized by Zookeeper. We might need a very large place to meet because I doubt there is someone out there who isn't a child or mentally challenged that enjoyed this movie. Not even my Mom liked it! And she loves shit like Air Bud and Snow Dogs! Now do you understand where I am coming from? Next time believe me when I issue a warning of caution. But next Live Tweet Movie Commentary will feature a movie that doesn't suck. This I promise you. With the exception of this piece of horseshit I only do my favorite movies and I have several that I have already done that I will lay out here and some that are planned for some drunken night. So keep coming back here to Pookon's Ill Blog and I'll see you at the movies, as long as we aren't watching Zookeeper.

- pookon -

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email: pookondotcom@gmail.com
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