Globo Gym is evil. So is White Goodman. Thankfully they don't own my gym because I don't think I could handle any of their abuse as I try to turn this Frankenstein into a Frankenfine. OK, that's actually a pretty good line. I suppose I could live with being accosted with insults as long as he keeps throwing out clever one-liners like that. All kidding aside that's all I could think about when I was thinking about how evil gyms are and why people are afraid to go to them. A gym is very intimidating because for the most part everyone who is there is already pretty fit. Let's just say I kind of understand how a minority feels like watching Friends - Mom? Why is there no one who looks like me there? You would think that with a population of over 8 million a random minority would wander into the shot. What a reality shock I got when I first went to New York City. Thanks for warning me TV. So it's tough for a fat guy to walk in there and work up the confidence to even step on an elliptical machine. But at least I got that taken care of. Now I can work on the rest of my goals.
Goals like meeting these chicks and tricking them to falling in love me. Think of me like a project, a lumpy ball of play-doh that you can mold into whatever you like. The possibilities are endless ladies! So line up now because when I'm hot and good looking I'm not going to give you the time of day because you could have had me back then and you passed. OK, so I'll probably still take you. I'm pretty accepting and forgiving. I'll welcome you into my open arms. My toned and muscular arms. Ah but who knows man. I don't think I'll ever be good looking enough to get any chick based on looks alone so I better start working hard at my job. Money might be my only ticket to success so I suppose I better start making a lot of it. That's not going to happen. Maybe I can go out with a blind chick. If she can't see how hideous I am then she can't run for the hills. Well until she starts touching me and stuff. Let's just hope that she doesn't have arms then. I'm really narrowing down the search for a mate right now based on those qualifications (and I likely won't find one) so I'm going to go on to a better topic. One that's a little more uplifting.
I found this on the internet. Hell of a tool the internet is. I was searching for evil gyms and I got evil movie worms instead. If there is a better size chart out there I'd like to see it. I doubt there will be one out there that features 3 of my favorite movies (Jedi, Tremors and Beetlejuice) in such a hilarious fashion. And it is factually correct too. Boba Fett, Three Ninja's Grandpa, Beetlejuice and any of the unlucky fuckers in Dune can totally attest to that. I don't know if anyone got eaten by these things in the books or movies because I have never had the pleasure of reading/viewing those works of art. It's next up on my series of giant worm novels. There's just too many of them that I can't keep up anymore. Every time I try to read Dune a new Tremors sequel comes out. But that's alright though because I just can't get enough of Burt Gummer. Broke into the wrong god damn rec room, didn't ya you bastard! When Burt blows a hole in the Graboid's mouth with the elephant gun I'll admit that I cheered. Don't mess with a guy that has that much ammunition lying around. You could tell that the Graboids don't have eyes and operate based upon feeling vibrations because if he saw the shelf of guns when he punched through Burt's basement wall he would have turned and ran screaming for the hills. But Graboids never learn. That's why they chased Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward into the desert even though Burt had some homemade bombs. And how did that work out for the Graboids? Well if you you've seen the movie I hate to spoil it for you but I'll give you a hint - KA-BOOM!!
I'm hoping that things work out better for me. Remember how I said I wouldn't bullshit you? I started this "7 in 7" adventure on Tuesday February 14th and was attempting to go to the gym every day. It took me one day to break that streak. I didn't go on Wednesday. I felt like total shit and I was exhausted without actually doing anything. I know I should have gone anyway to make this a true 7 workouts in 7 days (the best I can do now is 6) but I failed. Sorry guys. I can't think of a way to make it up to you but I know that if I keep going this week and continue it past the 7 day period then essentially I will have accomplished my goal which is to change my life. So even though it looks bad to have missed a day right now in the long run it will not matter. I know I'm trying to spin a positive into a negative but I did go tonight and I feel a lot better because of it. We'll see how I feel tomorrow but I'm hoping that I'm able to keep this up because I need to be in shape. If I had to classify my shape right now I'd probably say oval. I'm trying to get to rectangle someday. I'd probably settle for square but heaven forbid I get to triangle. All bets are off once it gets to that point. If it ever comes to that I won't have to worry about completing a task or changing my life within a seven day period because I won't be a human anymore - I'll be a fucking triangle! And if you didn't know, things didn't work out so well for Triangle Man. Sure, Triangle Man hated Particle Man and they had a fight and Triangle wins. Then Triangle Man hated Person Man and they had a fight and Triangle wins. So you would think that Triangle Man is a winner, right? Nope. Turns out Triangle Man has anger management issues and he's doing a dime in San Quentin for aggravated assault and reckless homicide. Triangle Man is a loose cannon and without the meds he just might be a cold blooded killer. Do you really want me to end up that way? You really want to be responsible for that?
Well that's really all I got right now. Well I do have one more thing. Kind of like a parting thought or words of wisdom if you will. I'd rather be the biggest person in the gym than be the biggest person outside of it. At least in here I'm making a change. Out there I'm just another overweight American. In here I'm a difference maker. You might not see it that way but if I'm right then nothing else matters. I mean that with no offense but right now the only thing that matters is me. I have to get myself right and be happy with who I am before I can worry about others. That's not to say that I don't care. I do. I'm just having a really hard time showing it because I'm going through some shit right now. What I'm attempting to do goes against everything I believe in and I'm trying so hard not to quit. I don't want to be a loser anymore. I don't want to be a quitter. And most of all I don't want to be a failure. I want to be somebody. I want to be in the phonebooks. Well I don't really know what I want to be. I just know I don't want to be what I am right now.
- pookon -
email: pookondotcom@gmail.com
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