Yesterday I challenged myself to go out in the world and find something beautiful. Since 1 day isn't enough time to go out and find a special lady to be in my life I looked to the next best thing - the sea. Well actually the lake. I said the sea because I look to the sea and reflections in the waves spark my memory. Some happy, some sad. I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had. Those of course are some lyrics from the song "Come Sail Away" by Styx. I know I've cried during a lot of songs over the past year but when I saw Styx at Summerfest last year (July 2011) I looked up towards the heavens and cried differently during this song. That's because Styx was one of Timmy's favorite bands and that was the first concert I had been to since Timmy died. That night the lyrics hit me really hard but in the end I was left with a very positive message, "But we'll try best that we can to carry on." That's all that we can really do. I know that Yoda would say do or do not, there is no try. That wise old Muppet is usually right and I'd follow him into battle on Kashyyyk during the Clone Wars for sure. Who wouldn't want to fight alongside Wookies? Just hearing them do their battle cry would be worth the risk of death. But seriously, I'm trying man. In the end I hope I can look back and realize that I did instead of tried but right now I can't promise anything. I'm trying to carry on. Rage for Timmy.
During work today I took a lunch break and went over to Doctor's Park in Fox Point. I used to go there a lot when I was younger because my Grandparent's lived pretty close by. We used to have a family reunion type picnic every summer growing up but it's been so long since I had been there. As I walked around the park some memories started to come back to me and I remember playing baseball and having water balloon fights with my cousins. But I still had no idea how to get down to the water. I walked around for a bit but time was running out since I only had a half hour break. But even though the minutes were ticking away against me I decided that I still had enough time to sit down on a park bench and take a picture of the lake through the trees. And even though I was supposed to start heading back to work I sat there and just stared. I don't go by the lake enough. We here in Wisconsin are so fortunate to have one of the Great Lakes (Michigan in this case) border our state but I for one don't appreciate it. Say what you want about the area around Bradford Beach and Summerfest but I like the Northern Milwaukee part of it like it is here in this park. Granted it was February but there was no one else around and I just sat there by myself and just soaked it all in. It was a very beautiful moment and even though it lasted just that long, it was the most worthwhile moment of my entire day.
I don't know how I feel about that because that means the rest of my day was shit in comparison that sitting on a bench looking at the lake was the best part of it. Or I could be positive and say this was so beautiful and simplistic that nothing could compare and that this was the highlight of my day. Taking in a beautiful moment should be a good thing and should always be celebrated. In fact I'm going to take a few minutes every day to stop and appreciate life. I can't always promise to get a scenic nature picture but I will promise to enjoy life if even for a moment. Some days it is tough to enjoy the time outside of that moment but there is no reason not to. It doesn't matter if I have a less than exciting job. It doesn't matter if I don't have a social life. It doesn't matter if I don't have someone to love. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!!! - The Rock. It don't matter if you're black or white - Michael Jackson. It doesn't matter if you win by an inch or a mile; winning is winning - The Fast and the Furious. It doesn't matter how slowly you go - so long as you do not stop - Confucius. Hating people because of their color is wrong. And it doesn't matter which color does the hating. It's just plain wrong - Muhammad Ali. It doesn't matter that I just spent a half hour looking for those quotes on the internet. I still consider that to be something productive where as sitting motionless in from of the TV wouldn't have produced the same results. I'm eager to hear your argument that what I'm doing is just as unproductive as watching TV or movies. Surfing the internet and presenting your findings would seem like a waste of time to a lot of people, but that's how wonderful this little experiment of mine really is.
I'm not going to tell you to turn off your TV. I'm not going to tell you to put a couple bullets in in and dump it in the woods killer style. All that I'm asking you to do is what works for you. If you want to follow in my footsteps then take something that you don't like about yourself, come up with a plan to fix it, then stick to the plan. You've already read about mine so make up your own. Or don't. Do whatever you want just be happy with your life. At the end of the day you are the one who has to live with yourself. Unless you have roommates. Then they have to live with you too. So for your sake, for your roommate's sake please just live your life in the best way possible. I know that it has only been a few days but I can promise you that I am a much more pleasant person to be around because I don't have any pent up feelings or stifled creativity. I need an outlet or else I'm just an asshole to everyone and if this blog serves as that outlet then we're all better off because of it. And since there is no shortage of ideas brewing in my head I should have enough material to keep everyone around me safe as long as I stick to it. So if you like what I am writing here and you like me better when I am positive encourage me to keep going because before I was a walking ball of hate. I don't want to be that way but like all changes it's so hard to go through them on your own. I need support. I need love. I need ice cream. I need a warm blanket at night. I need to smile. But most of all I need a reason to smile.
And speaking of smiling I heard Jewel's "You Were Meant for Me" on the radio this morning on the way to work. Remember yesterday when I said that I love a girl who can sing? I remember first hearing it in 1996 and instantly fell in love. I'm not ashamed to admit it's one of my favorite songs of all time and I love the video just as much. In the summer of 1997 I used to watch VH1's Top 10 Countdown every day just to see this video. I remember the music from that summer well because it also brought me songs like the Spice Girls' "Wannabe" and Savage Garden's "I Want You." And who could forget Paula Cole's "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" But none of those songs or artists stuck with me like Jewel and I'll also admit that I own all of her albums and poetry books. I think it's pretty evident at this point that singers really do it for me and if they can play guitar well then that's what I like to call the jackpot baby. So as far as I'm concerned we've got a winner here.
Jewel - Music - More Music Videos
I took a little break from writing to play some guitar. I must have jammed for a good 45 minutes if not an hour. I didn't really learn any new songs today but my main focus is just to memorize the chords and lyrics of a couple of songs and go from there. Some of the songs I'm getting really good at are Puddle of Mudd's "Blurry", The Wallflowers' "One Headlight" and Tom Petty's "Walls". The Tom Petty song is really important to me because Timmy and I played it at Afterglow a few years ago. One of the best times I ever had doing music with him was outside of our cabin on the picnic table. It was just the two of us and it was midweek in the evening time. The sun was just setting and the lake was very calm and soothing. I pulled up the chords for Timmy so that he could learn the song for the campfire that night. After playing the chords as they were displayed on the internet he told me that they were wrong and he promptly figured them out without listening to the song. He could remember how the song went from memory and could piece it together. He had such an ear for music and was able to pick up any song and play it after hearing it just once or twice. I don't think I could ever get to that level but as long as I am able to play the songs that I used to hear him play I at least get to be a part of it again. And I don't even have to be that good at them anyway. Timmy had a great saying about playing guitar - fake it 'till you make it.
- pookon -
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