I'm going to warn you right away that this post is about death. I know that subject matter bothers a lot of people and the rest of you are sick and tired of me being so morose all the time. Deal with it. You can leave now and I won't be upset. The clicker already got your visit as a "view" on my page. But I'm still asking you to hear me out. Things aren't always what they appear folks. Every day on the way to work I pass over some railroad tracks. As I'm crossing over, I look down the tracks for a second and stare off into the distance. This doesn't last long because I soon continue along my way. Looking on down the line makes me think of death because of the movie Big Fish. I love this movie and I think it is Tim Burton's finest movie because it is completely different than anything else he has directed. It doesn't have the signature Tim Burton weird style that he seems obsessed with overdoing. But the best part about it is the story. I won't spoil it if you haven't seen the movie but the basic plot is this - as a father lays dying, he retells his incredible life story filled with tall tales that his son is sick of hearing and doesn't believe. The son wants to figure out the truth behind his father's stories to separate the man from the myth. He wants to know who is father really was because he feels lied to for his entire life. Through a series of flashbacks we learn that there's a little bit of truth to every story and that life is really just one big adventure. The reason that I bring that up is that as a boy, Edward Bloom (the father) visits a witch and sees when and how he is going to die. While he is always painted as a brave and adventuresome person, this knowledge allows him to take risks and face danger head-on because he knows he will not die until he is an old man. That makes me think - if given the choice, would I want to know how and when I will die?
It's an interesting conundrum because it could either take all of the fun out of life or give you the chance to live life to the fullest. If I found out I would die alone at 100 that doesn't sound like a future worth looking forward to. But if I found out that I was going to die by 40, would that scare me or inspire me? I'm not sure. I'd probably give up. Say fuck it, quit my job and destroy what remains of my life. What's the point in trying now if I knew I only had 8 years left to reap the rewards. There would be no sense trying to start a family or creating something grand or beautiful because I wouldn't be around to enjoy it. I would probably sink into a dark depression and waste my time on this planet. I wish I could say that I would finally live life but I know how I am. Most people would get to work crossing things off of their bucket lists and quit putting things off for tomorrow, because one of these days there won't be a tomorrow. I would be worse than I am right now. I would be a walking disaster. I would succumb to the evils that torment me every day. Things that tell me to lie, cheat, steal, drink, gamble and be a total asshole. What's the point of living if you have nothing to live for?
Alright so I went there. Sorry. But the other inspiration behind this article is if you could choose how you die, would you want to? If you haven't already figured it out then you most certainly know by now that I'm a little different than everyone else. If I was allowed to choose my method of death I want to die derailing a train. You know, like when a train goes too fast and falls off the tracks which usually results in a big collision and explosion? That's how I want to go. But I have a couple of rules about it. 1. - I am the only person who dies from the derailing. It's not fair to them if I take some innocent people or animals out with me. I need to do this in an unpopulated area where the impact to the Earth will be minimal. That leads to my second rule. 2. - I do what to die in a fiery and jaw dropping crash. It needs to be big and grand. But I also don't want to cause long-term harm to the environment due to a chemical spill or burn down an entire forest with the blaze. So it needs to be explosive yet contained. Kind of like fireworks. My next rule is 3. - People need to be around to see it. I want video of me in the train (an old school train like in Back to the Future III) wearing a conductor's hat pulling the chord with the train horn signalling my impending death. Then I want the camera to pull back so you can see the entire scene and once I derail, it gets captured in multiple angles in stunning high definition display. I don't want it to be so graphic so that you can see me die but I do want you see the train derailment in all the glorious details - wide shot, close up, slow motion, 7 angles, instant replay, from the ground and from the sky. I want to be a spectacle in death as I was in life. Besides, how many times have you see a live train derailment? Plus it would make for an interesting story if I managed to get into Heaven. How'd you die? Guy #1: old age, in my sleep. Guy #2: heart attack at 55. Should have taken better care of myself. Girl #1: car crash. I was texting and driving. Girl #2: complications during childbirth. I never even got to see my baby. Kid #1: hit by a drunk driver. Kid #2: cancer. Me: derailed my own train. All of them had the same result but mine is the only story that isn't sad. Death shouldn't be sad. You should be able to go out on your own terms when you are ready. And when I'm ready I want to derail a train.
It's no secret that I want to die by train derailment. I don't know why I talk about it so much but many of my friends are aware of my final plan. What's wrong with me? Sometimes I think that I'm a little messed up in the head but then a part of me starts to think - does anyone else do this kind of thing? Do you think about death in weird ways? Do you plan out your demise in such unique fashion? I doubt it. If there ever was a question that I'm unique, this is yet another resounding YES from the amassed crowd. I don't know why I'm so different but I like it. What's the point in being like everyone else? Speaking of, here's the part where I have to assure you that I'm O.K. and you don't have to elevate the death watch to Orange or some shit. I'm not going anywhere, or at least I don't know that I am. I don't plan on dying any time soon but that is the mystery surrounding it. We never quite know when or how we die and I'm sure that when I do, it probably won't be by train derailment. But it doesn't hurt to dream, right?
- pookon -
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