Pickle the Day: October 8th - And Soon the Darkness...

For whatever reason, I have started to get into the habit of writing at 1am while I'm listening to Classical music. I don't exactly know why, but it has really set the tone for me to just let go and write whatever is on my mind. While not everything I say on here is positive (in fact it's starting to skew rather negative) it is 100% me at this moment in time. This is how I feel today. This is real. No bullshit. I wouldn't trade that in for 100 puppy dogs, smiling happy faces or romantic comedy movie endings. Not everyone gets the girl. But everyone dies in the end. And soon the darkness comes. I'm more or less forced to do mandatory overtime at work this week so I was there from 845am - 630pm. That doesn't leave a whole lot of time to get out in the World and find something to take a picture of. I had something in mind but I knew I wouldn't get there in time today in this race against the darkness, so I stopped at this cemetery that I pass every day on the way to and from work. As you can see from the picture the sun was slowing fading away, allowing the darkness of night to come and bring the mystery of the unknown. 

I don't really like the night because it reminds me that I'm alone. But I also don't like to sleep. So I often lie awake in my bed at night and let my mind wander. And when my mind is allowed to wander without proper supervision, that's when the darkness takes over. I think a lot about death. I wonder what it is like to die. Does it just happen and you are gone? Does your life really flash before your eyes? Do you wander the Earth as a ghost with unfinished business before you can go to Heaven or Hell? Is there even a Heaven or Hell? What is God like? What if God was one of us? Just a stranger on the bus trying to make his way home? Do we have a soul? Do we own it? If you get buried, do you one day have the option of coming back as a Zombie or skeleton when the dead rise from their graves? I think about a lot of stuff in the darkness, but mostly I think about Timmy. 

I dream about him a whole lot. That's probably one of the only reasons why I sleep. Aside from the my body forcing me to do it thing. When I dream the fantasy of being able to create new adventures and stories with my brother takes over the darkness that crept in there before I succumbed to slumber. In my dreams it feels so real. There is no death, only life. Everything is as it once was before the sadness and the emptiness took it all away. There is still something for me in life and I can appreciate the joy and beauty of this World, but I know that no matter how hard I try, things will never be the way they were before or how they exist in my dreams. But everyone can say that. And soon the darkness comes...

It may be light outside, but the World is still dark because I wake up and I'm still me. My dreams have ended. I have to face the life that I have constructed for myself. A life that I cannot change. I hate what I have done and don't know what to do to fix it. Nothing has worked. There is no point in trying anymore. Every now and then I make an attempt to better myself or to put myself in a position to succeed. It lasts for about 3 days before the darkness returns. It's always there. Lurking over my shoulder just waiting to bring me down. And for some strange reason it sounds just like James Woods. That's never how I imagined it to be. I would have expected someone a little more high profile but I guess you just take what you are given. But this isn't the end. I hope I'm not the next body in that cemetery. There might still be some light left in my World. It's going to take some searching but I have to want to find it. And therein lies the problem. But there will be another day for that and tomorrow there will be another pickle. And soon the darkness comes to take them all away, but I still have a full jar of them just waiting to be shared.

 - pookon - 

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