You are now looking at the final article of 2011's "25 Brewers in 25 Days" and it features none other than Brewers closer John Axford. After a week of teasing, I bet you never thought you'd see this shit. Well peep this article bitches! This is the grand daddy of them all. I've been hyping it up for a week and like me in bed, I know that it won't perform up to expectations. I can't believe that people have expectations of me. I'm a terrible lover, are you kidding me? Why just the other day I caught a peeping Tom booing me. But you didn't come here to read about me, you've done way too much of that in these past 25 days. Oh no, and since you've been patiently waiting, here he is, the Mustache himself, the Ax-man - I present to you Mr. John Axford!
John Axford is eerily similar to former Brewers closer Derrick Turnbow. And it's a little too eerie for comfort. I mean it. This shit will make you shiver more than when you read a Goosebumps book in the dark under your covers with a flashlight when you were 9 years old. Let's make a list of their similarities. Both are hard throwing righties with a fastball that hits the high 90's who have control problems. Both of them were toiling around in the minor leagues before the Brewers brought them on board. Both have a signature look - Axford with the mustache and Turnbow with the shaggy hair. Both broke into the big leagues in their late 20's. Both were huge fan favorites in their rookie years. And speaking of rookie years check this shit out -
Axford: 8-2 record, 2.48 ERA, 24 for 27 saves, 76 strikeouts and 27 walks.
Turnbow: 7-1 record, 1.74 ERA, 39 for 43 saves, 64 strikeouts and 24 walks.
Haunting, isn't it? And I haven't even gotten to the spooky part yet - THEY EVEN WEAR THE SAME FUCKING NUMBER - 59!! What the hell Axford?!? Do you really want to turn out just like Turnbow? Make sure you consider that after his brilliant rookie season he slipped to a 4-9 record, 6.87 ERA and 24 of 32 saves in his 2nd season. After that he became a set up man then totally fell off the map. Last I heard Turnbow was trying to catch on with the Marlins in Spring of 2010 and was cut during Spring Training. Shortly thereafter he announced his retirement from baseball. Do you see the treacherous path that you are walking John? Of course all of this could change and right now he could take a different path than Turnbow did in his second season. I suppose when 2011 is all said and done I will evaluate this season and the Axford to Turnbow comparison will be revisited. Until then let's pray for the best and that the closer won't kill our team like it did in 2010.I hate to talk shit about Trevor Hoffman because he has had such a storied Hall of Fame worthy career and from what I read and hear about him, he is perhaps one of the nicest, hardworking and professional guys in baseball. But let's face facts - he just didn't have it in 2010. After he blew 5 out of his first 10 saves and his ERA skyrocketed to around a 15.00, something had to be done. It pained me to watch Hoffman crumble before my eyes as I watched every one of those blown saves with tears streaming down my face. The Brewers had just come off of a 9 game losing streak then lost 2 of the first 3 to the Minnesota Twins. I was there at Target Field in Minneapolis when Axford recorded his 1st save of 2010 and it was the beginning of one of the only bright spots of the 2010 season, the emergence of The Ax Man.
Not to dwell on Hoffman too long, but it's amazing that he was a closer for 18 seasons and racked up 601 career saves. That's mighty impressive considering how closers come and go in baseball these days. I've been working at Miller Park for 10 years now, and here is this list of closers that the Brewers have had since 2001 - Curtis Leskanic (old #00), Mike DeJean, the 2004 All-Star Dan Kolb, Derrick Turnbow, Francisco Cordero, Eric Gagne (the $10 million dollar man), Salomon Torres, Trevor Hoffman and now John Axford. That's 9 closers in 10 years. That's more turnaround than when I worked at The Mayfair Mall movie theater back when it was General Cinema. Just goes to show you that I'm old because that shit has been AMC for years now and that a closer isn't hard to come by. But I do hope that John Axford isn't like Derrick Turnbow or the multitude of other closers we've had in the last decade because I really like this guy. And I know that you like him too. How could you not love a mustache like that? If I could grow a mustache I would totally model it after his for the duration of the baseball season.
One of the initial reasons why I pushed this article back a couple of times was because I wanted Brodey to be a part of it. Yes, the Brodey of Brodey's Brewers Funday Extravaganza and the Godfather of Milwaukee's CHBPL. He's also my mentor and a hell of a human being. And there's also the fact that he resembles John Axford. Or is it that John Axford resembles Brodey? They both are tall, skinny and are professional athletes. And they both can grow some wicked awesome facial hair. Hmmm... You know I always wondered why you never saw Brett Favre and Geoff Jenkins in the same place at the same time. It was always a mystery to me and I struggled to solve it. I even hired Scooby Doo and the Mystery Inc. Gang but even their combined brains couldn't come to a conclusion worth publishing. Then I realized when the Brewers signed Randy Wolf - they are all the same person and they just can't stay away from Wisconsin sports.How fast can Brodey throw a fastball? In the high 90's. What is John Axford's career shooting percentage in CHBPL official beer pong games? 47.93%. I think that there's a pretty good reason why you never heard about Axford before he became the Brewers closer last year. That's because he never pitched anywhere else. They cobbled together some minor league stats to form a paper trail, and coincidentally Brodey quit working as a bartender and now has a day job at a bank. Clever move Brodey, but I see right through you. Like Batman posing as Bruce Wayne in the daylight, you too have chosen to keep your identity a secret as not to be mobbed by the fans. That actually makes him more like Hannah Montana posing as Miley Stewart. And like Miley, Brodey gets the best of both worlds. He's a lucky man.
I'm not so lucky, because the person I resemble is not attractive, nor is he phphysically fit. That would impossible to look like. But Jonah Hill is hilarious, rich and well liked by the movie going public. He's a rising star in the comedy genre and has a signature style of comedy and delivery of lines. When the trailer for the Last Cup beer pong documentary came out, people commenting on YouTube wondered if this was a "mockumentary" staring Jonah Hill. I had never made the connection before that, but apparently everyone else did. I used to Google search the movie and see what people were saying about it and about me, and there were numerous Jonah Hill comments. When the documentary first came out we did a little "who would play who if this were turned into a real movie." Raphael from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would play the villain Tone and John Heder (of Napoleon Dynamite fame) would play Hummel. John Heder does looks more like Brodey than Hummel, but he would probably want a bigger role in the movie than Brodey plays. Despite being the Godfather, Brodey takes a background role in the film. But then I started to wonder, who would play me?
My initial wish was that John Candy would play me. Sadly John Candy died in 1994 and would not be able to portray Iceman with the comic timing and down home Midwestern goodness that the role calls for. So my next pick was Chris Farley. Even though the role didn't have a lot of physical comedy, he (born and raised in Wisconsin) had the comedy and general likability to be the heart of the film. But sadly he died in 1997 and didn't live to play this dream role. My next pick was Louie Anderson, and I even took a picture next to one of his advertisements in Las Vegas to prove my point, but then I realized that TJ wasn't in this movie and he didn't quite fit the part. Plus he also sadly died a few years ago. Wait... what? You mean that Louie Anderson is still alive? Then where the hell has he been the last few years? Comedian and impressionist Frank Caliendo was my next choice because he's also a fat short funny guy, and if he can nail John Madden's voice and mannerisms, then I'm sure that he can do mine. Plus he grew up in Waukesha and I bet he would like to play a person who is passionate about their state, city and local sports team. I'm no youngin', but all of them (considering that Candy, Farley and Anderson were still alive today) would be too old to play me, which is why Jonah Hill is perfecting casting if I've ever seen it. This is never going to happen, as most people have pretty much forgotten that I starred in a movie (which you can buy at Amazon.com or rent from Netflix) and I haven't received a dime for my participation. So don't buy that shit. I don't get any of the profits from it. I'll burn you a copy of it if you really want to see it.Aside from getting a couple hundred extra Facebook friends (I doubt I know 779 people in real life, and I know I'm not friends with all of them) and getting recognized in public as "that guy from the Beer Pong Movie" I haven't benefited from the movie. So I'm no Jonah Hill. But Brodey is John Axford, and when I asked him if he could put up stats similar to his phenomenal rookie season. But then I figured it was good ol' drunk Brodey talking again. And even though I'd like to believe him, I just have that horrible feeling in my gut that he can't repeat last year. Though that might just be the guacamole I ate last night around midnight after stumbling home from the bar. Axford won't quite fall from grace like Turnbow did, but he will come back to Earth this year and put up numbers like this:
4-3 record, 3.74 ERA, 34 saves in 40 chances, 62 innings pitched, 79 strikeouts and owner of the sweetest Mustache in all of Milwaukee. Wait screw that, he will have the sweetest mustache in all of the WORLD!!
So that's it. 25 Brewers articles in 25 Days. I went a little above and beyond last year's "25 in 25" and you can find those in the archives on the right side of the page. So did you enjoy that shit? Even though it was a whole lot of work, I really enjoyed doing this shit. A huge thank you goes out to all the people who helped me with these videos - Kevin, Timmy, Colleen, Aaron, Lee, Brodey, Brian, Mike Bates and Mike Wilhelm. And thanks also to the countless people who check this shit out. I enjoy writing and talking Brewers, but there is no reason to post it on here if people aren't going to read it. I haven't heard a lot of feedback from people, but Google Analytics tells me that enough of you checked out this blog on a daily basis. This won't be the end of the Brewers talk on this blog, but I'm going to take a couple of days off to enjoy the first couple games of the season. That's right people! The season begins tomorrow March 31st in Cincinati! Now it's for real and the 2011 Championship season can begin. I've literally got a lot of money riding on the Brewers winning it all this season, but that my friends, is a topic that will be covered some day. Roll out the Barrel! We'll have a Barrel of Fun!
Follow John Axford on Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/JohnAxford and Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/JohnAxford
Follow Brodey on Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/Brodwieser and Facebook http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=636449012
Follow Jonah Hill on Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/JonahHill
And of course, follow me on Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/pookondotcom and Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/MilwaukeeIceman
I've ended these articles with a tease, so why should this be any different? I have a great idea for another series of articles called "10 in 10" that should be very enjoyable to both me and you. I plan on starting this in about a week, so stay tuned. I won't reveal exactly what I'm doing yet because I still need to work some things out in planning, but it should be an adventure for my personally and for you following along on this blog. Thanks again everyone, and have a nice day.
- pookon -
www.pookon.com
email: pookondotcom@gmail.com
No comments:
Post a Comment