Inaction figure pretty sums up what I am. Everyone is probably familiar with an action figure. As a kid I played with G.I. JOE's, Star Wars, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and He-Man toys. Various characters would bend at the elbows and knees so you could put them into combat positions and several of them even shot weapons. These were a creative kid's dream because it allowed you to act out scenes from the movies or cartoons or create your own storylines. I spent way too many hours in the basement or living room in this fantasy world but I don't regret any of those "wasted hours". When I was recreating Jurassic Park or taking the Millennium Falcon through the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs the other neighborhood kids were playing sports or chasing girls. In essence those afternoons made me what I am today - a fat single dude who still sits at home by himself playing with toys (albeit the toy is now a computer and the action figures are my words). But even though nothing as really changed in that regard I have become the opposite of what I used to play with - I am now an inaction figure.
To my knowledge this term was coined by Kevin Smith (director of Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and you might also recognize him for his portrayal of Silent Bob in those films) to describe the figurines of characters from his movies that that he was selling. Unlike action figures these plastic characters did nothing; they just stood there. Knowing that action wasn't the right word to describe them he labeled them inaction and today I become one of those figurines gathering dust on a shelf. I don't do anything. I barely live a life that provides enough material to fill the digital pages of this blog. I don't have my own family to provide me with a constant need to spring into action like a hero that saves the day. I don't do anything dramatic or memorable. For the most part I just sit here. Of course every now and then I get out there and do something. At Afterglow I get some exercise and spend the majority of the day outside. I recently went camping with my Pops and slept in a tent. Just this past Sunday I laid on the grass in the backyard. But I wouldn't describe anything that I do is any different than what the normal person does. The only difference is that I do it less frequently. And I also have no problem with it.
Some people get all antsy if they are cooped up inside and don't see a lot of action in their lives. I'm not like that. The truth is that I don't care because I don't know any better. I live a life of motionless solitude which has led to me being grossly unattractive and eternally alone. I could change it if I knew how to but that would require action. I've made a living out of being a man of inaction. So how do I do it? What could possible motivate me to be a man of action? How can I change my ways? Where is the evil villain that kidnaps the woman that I love that makes me go out on a quest to rescue her? Where is the woman that I love? She's not in my apartment. I can tell you that much. She's never been here. She's always been out there. I'm pretty sure I met her once a few years ago and went through a period of time when there was plenty of action. I was outside of my comfort zone. I lived for a change. But I screwed it up big time. I didn't make the move when I should have. But by the time I figured it all out she was gone. She was the girl. I know that now. So I've spent every day since then Chasing Amy, so to speak. It's kept me from being an action figure.
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