By now you've figured out that I'm a little weird. What tipped you off? Certainly you figured it out by following me during this month, on social media or in real life. I don't know what stops me from being "normal" but I kind of like it. It sets me apart from everyone else. I've never met anyone else like me and I bet you haven't either. We all have those little things that make us unique. That's one of the beautiful things about being human. Even identical twins have something about them that make them different from each other. We're like snowflakes man - no two are ever the same. We all have our little quirks. One thing that I'm really weird about is forks. I don't like forks. If I have it my way I will never use a fork again. I'm all about the spoon. And I'm not just talking about in the bedroom, I'm talking about in the kitchen, in the living room, at the park and in my spaghetti.
What can you do with a fork that you can't do with a spoon? The most obvious answer lies at the tip - the fork has those little stabby points while the spoon just has a round edge. You might say that you need a fork to hold your steak while you cut it, or to twirl your pasta, or to pick up the lettuce in the bowl or to comb your hair if you are the Little Mermaid. I'll give you those things as reasons where a fork comes in handy but it's just not for me. A well pressed spoon can hold down a steak for carving, I prefer rotini, shells or macaroni as opposed to angel hair or fettuccine pasta, a spoon can scoop up lettuce as well as all the fixings in a good salad and with the exception of a few times when I grew my hair out I keep my hair nice and short, which makes it perfectly manageable when I'm devotin' full time for floatin' under the sea. Basically if you come at me with a fork I will counter with a spoon. I don't care for forks so you can take that utensil and go fork yourself.
I don't know why I am this way. It would be one thing if I grew up as the brother of The Blue Raja and I had to dodge forks so much that it literally and mentally scarred me for life. In college at UW Oshkosh I actually got quite accurate at flinging them into the wall at the end of the hallway by my dorm room. If I would have taken my training a little more seriously I could have cleaned up both High and Algoma streets and kept the riffraff off of campus. But I grew tired of forks and started my love affair with the spoon. I know that little bald headed kid said there is no spoon but he's still plugged in to the machine, so what the hell does he know? Copper-top motherfucker. I can't think of any situation where a spoon can't be used. Plus it is absolutely crucial for all of the best foods like soup, ice cream, cereal and spaghettios. Mmm mmm good. Not with a fork. See those spaces in between the pointy things? Those are the cracks where your food slips back into your bowl and not into your mouth. You should have used a spoon. Nice work there pal.
Look, I realize that you are either a spoon person or a fork person. Or you can go all Rodney King on our asses and go with a spork. I just want to say, you know, can we all get along? Can we get along? That's like the best of both worlds. Or you can take solace in the fact that God gave you two hands so you didn't have to make a choice. Spoon in one hand, fork in the other. Of course if it were me I'd have a spoon in one hand and a bigger spoon in the other. Don't judge me. I like the big spoon. And I'm hoping there is at least one lady out there who likes it too.
- pookon -
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