Wednesday, June 26, 2013

The Write Month: June 26 - We Fear Change

Hey Scott - I'd like to talk to you about making some changes. Change? We fear change. And then I proceed to squash the very idea of changing my life. I've been reminded lately that what I'm currently doing is not working out for me. I don't want to get into a lot of specifics here but there are two parts of my life that need some serious change. Well, three really. The first one is my job. I'm not going to bore you with the details because I'd probably just bore myself to sleep like I do at work. My job is about as unexciting as it gets which causes me to goof off more than I should and inject my day with an insane amount of randomness. This does not lead to a fulfilling 9 to 5. I enjoy the people that I work with and I really think that my company is one of the better ones to work for. Everything about it is great except for my actual task during those work hours. But I have been gifted a great opportunity thanks to some restructuring in our department that is allowing me to explore some other options. The first stage of that just began yesterday so I don't really have anything to report on that front. But let's just say that I'm exploring some options. I don't know where I will go from here but at least I recognized that there is a problem and that I need to fix it. I don't expect to be one of those people who love their job because I don't like to work. I'm an eternal slacker. I like to coast through life. I usually do the bare minimum. But this has caused a lot of emptiness in my life at least for the 40 hours a week between 9 and 5 where I can't just do whatever I want. More on this later because I just don't where I am going with this right now. But the ball is rolling my friends. I could very well be running from it holding a whip and a golden idol. 

Next we have my life. I was hanging out with some old friends last night. While we were catching up I was asked about my current relationship status, which is of course eternally single and alone. I was given a supportive lecture about everything that I already know - you have so many good qualities, you're a genuinely nice person who deserves happiness, why don't you take a chance because what do you have to lose, there's someone out there for everyone, try online dating, don't be so hard on yourself and the standard talk that anyone would give you when they are trying to offer some moral support. After all that she basically asked why I wasn't making any attempts. My response? Thousands of excuses, none of which that are valid. I fear change. I spend an awful amount of time alone. It's almost to the point that I don't know any better. I'm set in my ways. I'm used to my lifestyle. I don't know how to be flexible anymore. I don't know how to put myself out there. To be vulnerable with myself as a person and not just myself with my words. I hide behind my online persona. I don't go out and meet new people. I don't accept change. I have to figure out a way to do this because my life outside of work is also not very fulfilling (with a few exceptions). 

I need to change my image. Both the one that I see in the mirror and the one that I see in my head. There was a time when I ate better, went to the gym and cut back on behaviors that made me unhealthy (excessive consumption of alcohol, lack of sleep, poor mental health and many other things). I don't know exactly when I stopped caring about changing my image. But I kind of know why. I don't really see the point of it. I'm struggling with finding a purpose in life and a reason to keep on living. If I can't get a handle on that then there is no reason to sweat the little things. I'm having a really hard time moving forward in my life and becoming a different person. I want to stay who I have always been. I want to live with no cares, no responsibilities. I want to be a kid. Be young and dumb. Be like I was in College. But I'm not. I'm a little older. I'm a little wiser. And I'm starting to grow hair in really weird places man. I feel like I'm turning into Sasquatch. But I'm not. I'm the same old Scott Reck that I used to be. But the World has changed around me. My family and friends have changed around me. I have not. I feel like I have been left behind, Kirk Cameron style. But they didn't leave me. I simply refused to follow them.

I don't know what to do anymore. Perhaps I need some help. I've tried to stay light and entertaining here on the blog during the Write Month. But sometimes life is real. There is nothing funny about it and there aren't any jokes. This is what happens at 2 in the morning after you witnessed what true happiness can be like then return to your life of solitude. Oh yeah, and the booze probably had something to do with it too. There's a reason that they call it liquid courage or truth serum. It tends to bring out the worst in me. But sometimes the worst can be my best. You're the best around! Nothing's ever gonna keep you down. You're the best around! Nothing's ever gonna keep you down!! I'll keep telling myself that. Maybe I can change my job. Maybe I can change my relationship status. Maybe I can change my image. Maybe I can learn to stop fearing change and embrace it. I need change. I have a dollar. Can anyone help a brother out?

 - pookon -

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